[wildflowerchild25]

Hey guys. I haven't been around as much but I've been thinking of all of you. Came back today to see how things have been going for everyone and to share. You are all my friends I think, this is what friends do, as if I would know that.

I believe I have crashed out of a terrible mixed episode that began the day my husband told me he had an addiction to opiates (may 4). I was fresh out of my first non med induced psychotic episode so yeah, it was a bad time. This has been the worst 2 months of my life which is saying a lot considering the trauma I incurred as a child...but anyway.

Lamictal did not work. It blurred my vision too severely and was also responsible for my unbelievable anxiety and panic, which I figured out only after I was tapered off and the anxiety subsided. Now I am trying topomax. Which I read somewhere is not really considered effective for bipolar anymore but I'm not sure how true that is. The geodon is able to keep me off the very rock bottom and out of complete outer space but that's about it. I have had breakthrough hallucinations and I am in a bone crushing depression right now with the same intrusive images and brain splitting I had back in April that signaled my rapid descent into psychosis.

I can't take that again.

Pdoc has suggested an injectable form of Invega.

And I am so ****ing scared right now. I am scared of everything. I am scared of taking a medication that could have intolerable side effects because I am so sensitive and as an injectable I would not be able to stop taking it - I would be stuck for a month. I am scared because this is pretty much my only option. I'm scared for my job - I am barely hanging on. I can continue because there are only two weeks left in the school year so there is an end in sight. But I'm scared I won't be able to continue working because I'm scared it's my job that triggered the recurrence of my condition in the first place.

I am terrified of my own mind, that it could turn on me like it did at any moment. I never ever thought that could or would happen to me. I never thought my condition would take me there.

I just want to cry. I hate the images. I don't want to kill myself! So ugh does my brain show me how to do it? It's not me. And why does it still do it on that much geodon? Which is raising my prolactin by the way. So I shouldn't continue to take it anyway.

I absolutely 100% cannot go inpatient again. Not while my husband is so new to recovery. I would be sick with panic the whole time wondering if he is using. That is why I am in an IOP. But they want me to step up to partial. I convinced them to let me finish out the school year but I'm not sure I even can.

The worst part is I can't tell my boss what's really happening. I can't think of a good lie either.

I wish I had IRL friends. Not that you all aren't great but right now it is not safe for me to be alone while my husband goes to meetings. I went with him last night. Tonight my mom stayed with me. Tomorrow he is staying home. Then I have IOP. So it's figured out for the next few days. I just wish this would end.

On a positive note I am seriously doing everything in my power to find ways to manage this condition this time. I have accepted that it is there and that I have a severe form. That has taken 18 months to achieve. That's where I'm at.

Please give me hugs and tell me it's just depression telling me I'm terrible. I'm really not I don't think.

[Hbomb0903]

This illness is so hard. The medications truly change us and I find it hard to differentiate what is med, bipolar, or just me???

I have felt awful before and it eventually changed. Life is change. That much we are guaranteed. You are strong and about you are just on a bad trip. It will improve but right now you have to take it in bite size pieces. Day by day. Control is an illusion. You are strong and I care. Pm me if you want to chat.


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[~Christina]

Your plate is overflowing ** hug **

You can try out Invega orally first to see if you can tolerate it ..I took it for a while and had zero side effects. I am the queen of sideeffects so I was surprised I had none.

Im sorry your having such a struggle right now , just remember bipolar cycles all the time.. Your due for some good stable times.

Take care hun

[Curiosity77]

Sorry to hear how hard things have been lately. I don't have any advice, but i just wanted to send some positive energy your way. Thinking of you

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[HoneyBack]

wildflowerchild, I don't have answers, or experience with those meds- but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. We all face an illness that affects us all. And sometimes the battle is fierce and deep. Please know we have all plunged into the depths, and that things will improve again. That's the nature of bp. We're here for you.

[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks everyone. Today was much of the same. Functional in front of people and horribly depressed on my own. I am still scared but still trying to distract.

If I try the Invega I need to be off geodon first. I am terrified of that. On Tuesday this week I forgot my morning geodon because I left it at home. Then I somehow messed up my night geodon and only took one. Wednesday I woke up in this horrible state. I can't even try coming off geodon while I'm still working. No way. And I honestly don't know if I feel safe doing it outpatient. But I can't go in. My husband has told me that if I do he will most likely relapse. And please don't think he is being manipulative and that he doesn't want what's best for me. He does. He is just being honest. If he had to go back to detox right now I would definitely relapse with self Injury so I know what he means.

I am just so unsure

[nummy]

Hi, hope you are doing well. How is iop for you? It's not being in a hospital, but it should support you. Have you been to discuss this with a therapist recently? Bipolar really sucks. I'm newly diagnosed, but I think I had my first mixed episode 2 years ago. I totally understand how you feel "looking" normal but are in knots inside. (Matter of fact, I just told my sibling that not 5 minutes ago).

The thing about fear, is, it's an emotional reaction. Can you try and remind yourself that? Emotions aren't rational, and they try and fool the brain into thinking they're smarter than the rational part of the brain. Emotions are followers, not leaders. Emotions aren't rational. Please hang in there. You are stronger than you know.

I don't want to upset you, but addiction and manipulation go hand in hand. If you need to go into the hospital, do it. Short term your hubby might relapse, but you need to see the bigger picture. Long term your husband needs you strong. I highly recommend a support group for family members with addictions. There is this thin line between love and enabling, and if your husband says he'll relapse then I question how sincere he says he is in wanting to quit. You are you and only you can do what's best for you. Long term your marriage needs you at your best, right? So stop worrying about your husband and whatever is best for your emotional health. You can do it, you know you can.

[wildflowerchild25]

It's very difficult to take care of yourself when both people are in crisis. It's difficult for my husband to take care of himself because he is afraid to leave me to go to meetings, but he has to. And I have to deal with being alone so he can go. And I have to I to IOP and so does he. And I have to figure out my meds in outpatient because so does he because neither one of us can be away from the other.

I never saw us as codependent until just this minute. But I never dreamed we would both be in emotional upheaval at the same time. Neither one I us can take complete proper care of ourselves because neither one of us can be totally selfish. We both have to be strong for the other.

It's such a tough dilemma. Two bad choices. I go inpatient and risk him relapsing. I stay out and risk harm to myself. Two terrible choices.

But in better news I did do a short guided meditation and it calmed my panic. Did nothing for the depression or intrusive images but it did calm the thoughts saying I had to act on the images. So that's nice. I'm not being so stubborn and pig headed anymore.

[Nammu]

I don't have any answers for you but I wanted to also say you are not alone. My daughters situation is similar to yours except they got though their crisis and he's( on parol for drug position, best thing that happened) been working and she ( on APs and mood stabilizer ) went back to school, they are both doing good now.

[swheaton]

Oh, Hun. I know that this is a struggle. Keep doing what you need todo..we are here for you.

wildflowerchild. I feel so much of what you are talking about, cried a bit. Know this -- You are not alone. The details are different, but damn, it hits some powerful familiar chords. So, even right there, even possibly without realizing it, YOU are doing what friends do too, "as if I (you) would know that" or not.

I wish I had words of wisdom to give you. The title you chose is apt. Sometimes it's all we can do…. radically accept it. It's f'd up, it's unfair and it just plain sucks, but it is what it is and we muddle through the best we can. The double crisis -- where to begin? But for those who've been there, no explanation of its challenges is necessary. Do watch that it stays in relative balance, though. It's all to easy to slide into a pattern of serious lopsidedness. WAAAY easy. And a fast road to that is to stuffing down and minimizing your own needs. Their needs are NOT more important than yours. Being strong for each other is all well and good, but can only go so far. You really DO need to do what is best for YOU.

This line gave me chills: "I am terrified of my own mind, that it could turn on me like it did at any moment. I never ever thought that could or would happen to me. I never thought my condition would take me there." It is almost exactly my answer to a question a week ago in therapy. I will be back there again tomorrow (it's been a long time since such a short timeframe of appts.). BF couldn't understand why so soon again (he is consumed with an issue of his own). My reply: "Because I need to." My energies have been so focused on him, but I'm losing it in ways he can't understand. It doesn't diminish my concern for him one bit. But to ignore what is going on with me -- and get help for it -- is a recipe for disaster and won't be a help to either of us.

Guessing there might be some parallels there.
to you

[wildflowerchild25]

Thank you so much innerzone. See what's happening right now is that my husband is starting to actually address issues that have plagued him for many years, things he talked about since the beginning of our relationship seven and a half years ago, but things he denied, covered with marijuana or alcohol or anger or most recently opiates. He has always had bad anxiety stemming from some childhood traumas but he has never addressed it and now he is, and from my own experiences I know it has to get worse before it gets better.

But I am in te clutches of an evil depression and I don't know what to do. I am willing to try Invega but the doctor says I must come off geodon and I cannot come off geodon and stay safe. My brain is showing me terrible things that I can resist if I don't forget my morning dose but if I do forget it I get mired in my mind. The worst part is I know where to get the most current form of destruction and I don't think it would be too hard.

I'm hanging on by my fingernails at work. At least I have confirmation that I do indeed have a job next year and that I do have a job for the summer even though I would prefer to do the partial program instead. There are six days left until school is out. Really, I think I can do that. It's not so bad when all I'm doing is showing a movie or two.

Thank you everyone. I'm so glad I have all of you. This is a non IOP night and of course hubby has NA and he was highly anxious today so he needed to go. I am spewing hate and vitriol in my mind (this is an evil depression after all) so it's best I sit alone. I can at least keep it together for my son. I mean I'm just sitting on the couch like a limp rag doll but at least I can work up a smile and not yell at him.

[lonelychick]

Hello! I'm so, so sorry things are so sucky for you right now! Your first post mentioned trying topomax. I've actually had WONDERFUL luck with that one in the past, so maybe you will too. I'm trying it again for the 2nd time now. I wish there were something I could say to help you. Just know I'm thinking of you.