[Skitz13]

Losing my grip real fast. Going into a mixed episode. I'm all over the place. Ok in the morning, depressed by lunch and over the top by evening. Tonight I'm totally wired and I panic because I'm alone. Obsessed with making iTune playlists, been cooking all night and ready to start cleaning. I hate going through this alone.

My boyfriend has no idea about my illness and he knows somethings up. I'm gonna lose him, I just know it. I'm in no shape to talk to him about it right now.

I have no intentions on taking my meds tonight. Too much to get done.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this

[pawn78]

When I'm like that, I just go with it. Clean the house, whatever, listen to music. Enjoy it. I also get depressions coming over me, and sudden anxieties out of nowhere, but I don't post about them because my whole strategy consists of AVOIDING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. I am going through a marital separation, and this should be a massive trigger for me. And it is. I get depressed, cry in the work truck sometimes driving down the road... but I cope. I FOCUS INTENSELT ON PLEASURE AND FUN. Right now I am cleaning the house and blasting music and feeling awesome.
I have heard some people here call it, COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY.... I don't know what that even is, but if that is what I am doing....IT WORKS... IT WORKS AMAZING!
I swear I can literally pull my mind out of depression and anxiety, and into a happy or at least calm and stable mood. I can even push myself into pleasant hypomania this way. If I need to get a lot done, or I am in general motivated to have energy and be UP, I can literally TRIGGER MYSELF TO BE HYPOMANIC! I did it today. I was depressed for the last couple weeks since my wife left. Today, I DECIDED I AM GOING TO BE HAPPY AND ENERGETIC, PERIOD. I started cleaning the house, paying bills, planning my goals for the future, playing music, talking to friends on the phone and going into an energetic, joyous mania... I am not saying you are like me exactly, but I am sharing because this METHOD i am using has changed my frickin life.

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by pawn78

When I'm like that, I just go with it. Clean the house, whatever, listen to music. Enjoy it. I also get depressions coming over me, and sudden anxieties out of nowhere, but I don't post about them because my whole strategy consists of AVOIDING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. I am going through a marital separation, and this should be a massive trigger for me. And it is. I get depressed, cry in the work truck sometimes driving down the road... but I cope. I FOCUS INTENSELT ON PLEASURE AND FUN. Right now I am cleaning the house and blasting music and feeling awesome.
I have heard some people here call it, COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY.... I don't know what that even is, but if that is what I am doing....IT WORKS... IT WORKS AMAZING!
I swear I can literally pull my mind out of depression and anxiety, and into a happy or at least calm and stable mood. I can even push myself into pleasant hypomania this way. If I need to get a lot done, or I am in general motivated to have energy and be UP, I can literally TRIGGER MYSELF TO BE HYPOMANIC! I did it today. I was depressed for the last couple weeks since my wife left. Today, I DECIDED I AM GOING TO BE HAPPY AND ENERGETIC, PERIOD. I started cleaning the house, paying bills, planning my goals for the future, playing music, talking to friends on the phone and going into an energetic, joyous mania... I am not saying you are like me exactly, but I am sharing because this METHOD i am using has changed my frickin life.

Thanks for that pawn. I'm so f****'d up right now I don't even know where to begin to do that. I'm freaking out, I'm really scared.

[pawn78]

are you taking your meds?

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by pawn78

are you taking your meds?

No not tonight anyway. No sense

[Manic Trance]

I can totally relate.

My moods are always sailing in one direction or the other. I am a rapid cycler it seems. I get stressed by something and I become entirely taken in by it, I think they call this brooding or ruminating. I become irritable and then spaced out and depersonalized, but few minutes can change all that, and then I am bouncing off the walls in a hypomanic frenzy. I talk a LOT and loud and skim over many loosely connected ideas to make simple points and am just in a free fall. This describes most days.

My wife hates it! I feel like she hates me, though I know she does not. But she doesn't like me when I am hypomanic, and I am hypomanic most of the time, and when I am spaced out, and she doesn't like that, and when I am depressed she resents me, she feels that I take up too much emotional space already. She has threatened to divorce me more times then I can remember which is so upsetting and destabilizing. Somehow I know she won't, but I know what you are feeling and going through and how hard it is.

Right now I am coming down off a week of hypomanic carrying on, insane busyness, sleep deprivation, etc... And I am wishing I was not this way.

I can say that I understand. I wish I had some cure or something to tell you about, but I don't, all I have is empathy, but it's all yours!

Hang in...
Soon...
MT

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by Manic Trance

I can totally relate.

My moods are always sailing in one direction or the other. I am a rapid cycler it seems. I get stressed by something and I become entirely taken in by it, I think they call this brooding or ruminating. I become irritable and then spaced out and depersonalized, but few minutes can change all that, and then I am bouncing off the walls in a hypomanic frenzy. I talk a LOT and loud and skim over many loosely connected ideas to make simple points and am just in a free fall. This describes most days.

My wife hates it! I feel like she hates me, though I know she does not. But she doesn't like me when I am hypomanic, and I am hypomanic most of the time, and when I am spaced out, and she doesn't like that, and when I am depressed she resents me, she feels that I take up too much emotional space already. She has threatened to divorce me more times then I can remember which is so upsetting and destabilizing. Somehow I know she won't, but I know what you are feeling and going through and how hard it is.

Right now I am coming down off a week of hypomanic carrying on, insane busyness, sleep deprivation, etc... And I am wishing I was not this way.

I can say that I understand. I wish I had some cure or something to tell you about, but I don't, all I have is empathy, but it's all yours!

Hang in...
Soon...
MT

Thank you. The right words at the right time. I just don't know how much more I can take. I haven't felt this suicidal in years. I just want a happy healthy life. Thank you again.

[Parks]

Originally Posted by Skitz13

Thank you. The right words at the right time. I just don't know how much more I can take. I haven't felt this suicidal in years. I just want a happy healthy life. Thank you again.

Thanks for what you have written about what you go through today helping you tomorrow.

Hang in there. If your anything like me,your mood will change soon enough to ride it out. Sort of like the tides, changing constantly.

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by Parks

Thanks for what you have written about what you go through today helping you tomorrow.

Hang in there. If your anything like me,your mood will change soon enough to ride it out. Sort of like the tides, changing constantly.

As alone as I feel going through these episodes, you all show me I'm really not alone. I'm just tired of the roller coaster ride. I haven't been stable since February and it's so disheartening. I've lost so much because of this illness and stand to lose more. There's not much more it can take from me.

The most amazing gift crossed my path and losing that will absolutely break my heart.

Today's a new day, I see my T. I'm hoping that will help. Thank you for your reply

[Creatre]

Jeez, sounds just like me the past week! Hang in there!

[Angry1541]

Originally Posted by Skitz13

Losing my grip real fast. Going into a mixed episode. I'm all over the place. Ok in the morning, depressed by lunch and over the top by evening. Tonight I'm totally wired and I panic because I'm alone. Obsessed with making iTune playlists, been cooking all night and ready to start cleaning. I hate going through this alone.

My boyfriend has no idea about my illness and he knows somethings up. I'm gonna lose him, I just know it. I'm in no shape to talk to him about it right now.

I have no intentions on taking my meds tonight. Too much to get done.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this

You always got this forum--so you aren't alone!

You're description rings very true to my experience lately....I am up in the morning, depressed from 12 - 5 and then up again in the late evening.

I get really really heavy anxiety as I switch moods....odd that I don't get it when I am in the throes of one my moods...it's always in my swings.

[Manic Trance]

Originally Posted by Skitz13

Thank you. The right words at the right time. I just don't know how much more I can take. I haven't felt this suicidal in years. I just want a happy healthy life. Thank you again.

Glad what I wrote was relatable. Yo are feeling at least somewhat better today? Good luck at your T. I dropped mine because something she said really upset me, but I need to be in it. I'm a wreck. Ah!

Anyhow, I also experience frequent suicidal ideations. I was just thinking I wanted to start a thread about it, and I checked your responses.

It is scary to be a person who considers suicide and entertains things like imagining killing yourself. What I am wondering now is, what impact is that having on us, even if we don't kill ourselves? Do you know what I mean? Like, it can't be the same for a person who has thoughts of ultimate violence against one's self running through the mind, as it is for someone who would never dream of killing themselves. Just something I got started thinking about.

I experience thoughts of suicide as a form of self punishment. Because as much as there is this compulsion to consider suicide, doing it makes me sad and it hurts. So I feel like I am punishing myself for some reason that is not available to me.

I hope I am not just carrying on, that there is something helpful in here.
And I'm sending you strength. Totally want you to have and keep that wonderful thing that crossed your path!
Soon...
MT

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by Manic Trance

Glad what I wrote was relatable. Yo are feeling at least somewhat better today? Good luck at your T. I dropped mine because something she said really upset me, but I need to be in it. I'm a wreck. Ah!

Anyhow, I also experience frequent suicidal ideations. I was just thinking I wanted to start a thread about it, and I checked your responses.

It is scary to be a person who considers suicide and entertains things like imagining killing yourself. What I am wondering now is, what impact is that having on us, even if we don't kill ourselves? Do you know what I mean? Like, it can't be the same for a person who has thoughts of ultimate violence against one's self running through the mind, as it is for someone who would never dream of killing themselves. Just something I got started thinking about.

I experience thoughts of suicide as a form of self punishment. Because as much as there is this compulsion to consider suicide, doing it makes me sad and it hurts. So I feel like I am punishing myself for some reason that is not available to me.

I hope I am not just carrying on, that there is something helpful in here.
And I'm sending you strength. Totally want you to have and keep that wonderful thing that crossed your path!
Soon...
MT

After giving it some thought. I agree that an act of suicide is a form of punishment against ourselves but it also punishes the ones we love. All we are doing is transferring our pain to others and that's not fair. Thank you for your response.

[Hopeful Camel]

I am a rapid cycler as well. And I hate to hear this when I am in the thick of it, but it is true: this too shall pass. Hang in there. You will feel better tomorrow. Take your meds. There IS a point to taking them...they are for your benefit. Stick to a routine as much as you can. Be good to yourself, don't beat yourself up. You are worth hanging on for. You are so much more than this illness. Hugs.

[~Christina]

You sound mixed to me .. pure hell ! Right now your not rational.. hense not wanting to take your meds . You need to call your Pdoc and let he/she know they will be able to help you come down from this episode quickly.

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is pick up the phone and start dialing.

Stay safe

[gubernova]

I'm in a mixed state right now and I'm glad someone is here to relate to. I have my appointment tomorrow and I feel soooo bad. I hate adjusting my mood stabilizer but I need more lamictal. It's been 3 yrs since I felt this bad. I forgot just how bad it can get, and I thought I was clear through for the rest of my life. It came out of nowhere, and it's kicking my butt, especially the relentless OCD and hypomania.

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

You sound mixed to me .. pure hell ! Right now your not rational.. hense not wanting to take your meds . You need to call your Pdoc and let he/she know they will be able to help you come down from this episode quickly.

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is pick up the phone and start dialing.

Stay safe

Thanks Christina. I saw my T this morning and an urgent e-mail was sent so my pdoc will get it first thing tomorrow morning.

I've just been under such stress it's no wonder this has happened. I had myself so freaked out with panic last night, I stayed under my couch. That I think made me the saddest.

I will take my meds tonight. Usually I have to take a high dose of Serequel. I took 2 mg. of Clonazepam this afternoon and I feel a bit better but the evening hasn't hit yet and that's when it get's the worst.

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by gubernova

I'm in a mixed state right now and I'm glad someone is here to relate to. I have my appointment tomorrow and I feel soooo bad. I hate adjusting my mood stabilizer but I need more lamictal. It's been 3 yrs since I felt this bad. I forgot just how bad it can get, and I thought I was clear through for the rest of my life. It came out of nowhere, and it's kicking my butt, especially the relentless OCD and hypomania.

I just went through this in February and my episodes have been scattered ever since. I absolutely hate mixed episodes. They are tormenting and completely wear me out. I saw my T today and she just knew. My biggest problem is that I'm losing my drug benefits and that I guess, put me in a tail spin but it's all being taken care of for me. I'm to just stay home and take care of myself. Easier said than done.

Thanks for your reply

[newtothis31]

I feel for you skitz13. Take care of yourself!

[Manic Trance]

Originally Posted by Skitz13

After giving it some thought. I agree that an act of suicide is a form of punishment against ourselves but it also punishes the ones we love. All we are doing is transferring our pain to others and that's not fair. Thank you for your response.

Totally true! Thanks for giving it some thought, and hang in.

[Skitz13]

Thank you all for your hugs and great support, words of encouragement. Anyone who needs to know is fully aware of the problem.

I took my meds and feeling somewhat more settled. I think I can sleep tonight. I know I was totally irrational last night. It's so easy to get caught up in the cycle and I panic everytime. I should be used to it by now but there are times I get so scared that i'm going to slip away and not return. I know I always do but at the time I can't rationalize.

Things have been going so well for me and when this happens I lose all hope and don't feel I deserve the good that comes my way. How can I feel good about anything when this hell keeps repeating itself over and over again. IT JUST WON'T STOP!!!

Thank you all again. You make it a little more bearable.