[optimistic_dolphin]

Today was my dr appt. I have been experiencing psychotic symptoms for over 5 weeks. Delusions and hallucinations. It has been getting worse.

Supposed I was going on a France trip for 13 days. I fought to come back after 3 days because I believed I was the cause of the hailstorms in France. The people there havn't been getting hailstorms for as long as they can rmb. I was there for 3 days and two hail storms came. Stroke me on the road in vehicles both the times. Someone was trying to kill me. Or I was going to cause deaths in that city.

Finally I got to see my Dr. She was 'challenging' my thoughts, saying they never have logical/rational basis. She said since I don't like to take med, she is doing CBT with me. If I am not even trying to cooperate, no one can help me.

I am so alone. I feel like no one ever understands how strong the beliefs are, no matter how irrational. Now she is blaming me for not trying. It doesn't even feel like CBT. Just her telling me to think again and get over it. Plus, I am not even sure I am plain bipolar. I have periods of just psychosis without mood problems.

Any of you ever experience similar issues?

[wildflowerchild25]

Are you in fact against medication? Like are you unwilling to take medication? If so I can see why your doctor would try to go the CBT route. There isn't really another option if you don't want to try an anti psychotic medication.

However it isn't helpful to just tell you the thoughts aren't real. I have had episodes of psychosis and I understand how real the thoughts are. I was absolutely certain that the ER screening person was calling social services on me and having my son taken away at that moment. I was trying to call my mom to tell her not to let my son go with anyone. I was also sure that strangers could read/see my thoughts and that someone out there was trying to get me to kill myself. So I understand how you feel. Simply telling you it's not real isn't going to change your mind.

I am on an antipsychotic but I still get breakthrough thoughts at times. When that happens I have to fact check - I ask a therapist in my program if what I'm thinking sounds reasonable. If she says no, I try to do grounding/breathing exercises to bring myself back to the real and true moment. Then I can usually assure myself of the invalidity of the thought. I suppose that's a little bit like CBT. But I have medication helping me as well.

If you don't think your doctor is taking you seriously, maybe seek a second opinion of another doctor?

But honestly the only way I can deal with my paranoid delusions is to challenge them. There is always a small part of me that is back there saying this is crazy. I have to grab that part and pull it out to the front. No one else can do that for me.

I hope you find some peace.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by optimistic_dolphin

Today was my dr appt. I have been experiencing psychotic symptoms for over 5 weeks. Delusions and hallucinations. It has been getting worse.

Supposed I was going on a France trip for 13 days. I fought to come back after 3 days because I believed I was the cause of the hailstorms in France. The people there havn't been getting hailstorms for as long as they can rmb. I was there for 3 days and two hail storms came. Stroke me on the road in vehicles both the times. Someone was trying to kill me. Or I was going to cause deaths in that city.

Finally I got to see my Dr. She was 'challenging' my thoughts, saying they never have logical/rational basis. She said since I don't like to take med, she is doing CBT with me. If I am not even trying to cooperate, no one can help me.

I am so alone. I feel like no one ever understands how strong the beliefs are, no matter how irrational. Now she is blaming me for not trying. It doesn't even feel like CBT. Just her telling me to think again and get over it. Plus, I am not even sure I am plain bipolar. I have periods of just psychosis without mood problems.

Any of you ever experience similar issues?

Yes---I needed medicine for the cbt to work it would have not made sense to me because I knew everything to be fact(even when it was a delusion) when I was psychotic. I see medicine as one tool---I was on it for 2.5 years including a slow taper off. It doesn't have to be forever----the current recommendation is like 6 months symptom free for psychosis and then you can taper off. So here is the question do you hate medicine so much that you are willing to ruin fabulous vacations etc to stay off. Untreated psychosis tends to progress and get more confusing over time and while cbt is helpful you have to have the right mental state for it to work at all. Other than medicine mindfulness meditation has been shown to be somewhat promising but I really recommend meds for short term stabilization....

[optimistic_dolphin]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Are you in fact against medication? Like are you unwilling to take medication? If so I can see why your doctor would try to go the CBT route. There isn't really another option if you don't want to try an anti psychotic medication.

However it isn't helpful to just tell you the thoughts aren't real. I have had episodes of psychosis and I understand how real the thoughts are. I was absolutely certain that the ER screening person was calling social services on me and having my son taken away at that moment. I was trying to call my mom to tell her not to let my son go with anyone. I was also sure that strangers could read/see my thoughts and that someone out there was trying to get me to kill myself. So I understand how you feel. Simply telling you it's not real isn't going to change your mind.

I am on an antipsychotic but I still get breakthrough thoughts at times. When that happens I have to fact check - I ask a therapist in my program if what I'm thinking sounds reasonable. If she says no, I try to do grounding/breathing exercises to bring myself back to the real and true moment. Then I can usually assure myself of the invalidity of the thought. I suppose that's a little bit like CBT. But I have medication helping me as well.

If you don't think your doctor is taking you seriously, maybe seek a second opinion of another doctor?

But honestly the only way I can deal with my paranoid delusions is to challenge them. There is always a small part of me that is back there saying this is crazy. I have to grab that part and pull it out to the front. No one else can do that for me.

I hope you find some peace.

I am not very against med. I used to be on topamax, but my dr knows it's too mild for psychosis. She only prescribed it for maintenance of stable period, so I am off it right now. Plus topamax doesn't do anything to me from experience. I was off all med when psychosis came back. Then she started on quetiapine again 25mg, then to 50mg. Then she stopped here. again from past exp, she knows quetiapine isn't as effective as zyrexa so she didn't see the point in giving more quetiapine. I have more problem with zyprexa because it makes me gain weight very fast. I am eating disorder (AN more /BN) so I really resist taking it. All antipsychotic just have this crazy side-effect of weight gain.

I think my symptoms are getting worse. Sometimes I feel so violent like I can kill anyone. The image would be in my head. I tried to kill my dog multiple times. I don't know why. I couldn't control myself. I am scared. It's a govt doc I am seeing, so I can't change to another one. Seeing private is too expensive for my parents.

Feel like no one can help me now. I feel like everyone is against me.

[optimistic_dolphin]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Yes---I needed medicine for the cbt to work it would have not made sense to me because I knew everything to be fact(even when it was a delusion) when I was psychotic. I see medicine as one tool---I was on it for 2.5 years including a slow taper off. It doesn't have to be forever----the current recommendation is like 6 months symptom free for psychosis and then you can taper off. So here is the question do you hate medicine so much that you are willing to ruin fabulous vacations etc to stay off. Untreated psychosis tends to progress and get more confusing over time and while cbt is helpful you have to have the right mental state for it to work at all. Other than medicine mindfulness meditation has been shown to be somewhat promising but I really recommend meds for short term stabilization....

Antipsychotic makes me gain weight like hell. I have been on quetiapine and zyrexa. Quetiapine isn't as bad but not as effective. Gaining weight makes my ED worse. She knows I wouldn't take zyprexa so she didn't give any. Q isn't effective, so she stopped at 50mg. God. I don't know what to do. I feel I am getting worse and further away. A part says take med. My mind will say it's ok, don't take med, they make you worse. You can simply stay in this state. The latter is winning. I feel something is controlling me. A force.

[Atypical_Disaster]

If your psychotic symptoms are causing you to feel violent then you really need to take medication at least until you're stable again.

If your psychosis is causing you to be violent as evidenced by trying to kill your dog, you really need to be on meds, weight gain or not. If you hurt someone and end up with charges brought up against you, you are going to have much bigger problems than gaining weight.

[wildflowerchild25]

Honestly I must agree, I know the weight gain will set off your ED, but if you are prone to violence you NEED medication. If you become violent and get caught you will have larger problems than eating disorder. I am not one to say that everyone needs medication but for you if you cannot regain control of your thoughts through CBT you may need it as short term stabilization. It does not have to be forever, but I can see that you are going through a very rough period right now and you are in a very dangerous situation. I urge you to consider medication at least for a short time.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by optimistic_dolphin

Antipsychotic makes me gain weight like hell. I have been on quetiapine and zyrexa. Quetiapine isn't as bad but not as effective. Gaining weight makes my ED worse. She knows I wouldn't take zyprexa so she didn't give any. Q isn't effective, so she stopped at 50mg. God. I don't know what to do. I feel I am getting worse and further away. A part says take med. My mind will say it's ok, don't take med, they make you worse. You can simply stay in this state. The latter is winning. I feel something is controlling me. A force.

Zyprexa is the worst by far for weight gain..try a weight neutral med like Geodon, abilify or Latuda or add metformin to your AP to reduce weight gain...results are different for everyone though,

[optimistic_dolphin]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

If your psychotic symptoms are causing you to feel violent then you really need to take medication at least until you're stable again.

I keep thinking if it's the med side effect or the illness that I am feeling violent. I have outburst out of nowhere. Feeling like I want to hit something, throw stuff, yell, kick, scream. I only see my pdoc for ard 20 min once every two weeks, so she doesn't know the extent of these episodes. Most of the time, I look normal when I see her. I just saw her yesterday, so the next time is two weeks later. I don't know who I am.

[optimistic_dolphin]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

If your psychosis is causing you to be violent as evidenced by trying to kill your dog, you really need to be on meds, weight gain or not. If you hurt someone and end up with charges brought up against you, you are going to have much bigger problems than gaining weight.

I know... That's why I am so scared. During those episodes, I feel like the power to kill someone overwhelms me. I wonder if I will really do it one day and only realise afterwards my act. You ever feel the need to 'vent'?

[Curiosity77]

If you are feeling violent, and have done things like tried to harm your dog, and you are having thoughts of killing people, it is an emergency! You should go to ER and tell them that you are having homicidal thoughts and you don't know if you will act on them. You might need a hospital stay to stabilize and get you out of the danger zone. This sounds very serious, and should not wait 2 weeks until your next pdoc appointment. Please take care of yourself.

[optimistic_dolphin]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Zyprexa is the worst by far for weight gain..try a weight neutral med like Geodon, abilify or Latuda or add metformin to your AP to reduce weight gain...results are different for everyone though,

i wish i can communicate that freely with my dr. I have tried abilify before and it's not for me. She thinks those two are the best for me, besides topamax which is only for maintenance, so she only gives those two...

[optimistic_dolphin]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

If you are feeling violent, and have done things like tried to harm your dog, and you are having thoughts of killing people, it is an emergency! You should go to ER and tell them that you are having homicidal thoughts and you don't know if you will act on them. You might need a hospital stay to stabilize and get you out of the danger zone. This sounds very serious, and should not wait 2 weeks until your next pdoc appointment. Please take care of yourself.

Thanks for being so supportive. homicide sounds so daunting.The problem is i have an overseas trip coming up tmr for 5 days. I feel like an outcast in the family and I don't belong here. I am nobody. So alone

[sarahblue]

Can you call her between appointments and tell her what you're going through? You don't sound like you're in a very good place.

[Curiosity77]

Originally Posted by optimistic_dolphin

Thanks for being so supportive. homicide sounds so daunting.The problem is i have an overseas trip coming up tmr for 5 days. I feel like an outcast in the family and I don't belong here. I am nobody. So alone

You are somebody, and you matter. That's hard if you have a trip coming up that you don't want to miss. The thing is that traveling is stressful, and stress can make psychosis worse. If you go on your trip without dealing with this you run the risk of totally losing control, and being far away from home, maybe in a foreign hospital. I work in mental health (I am also bipolar), and I have had a patient lose it on a plane and get taken off by police and into hospital. I don't want something like that to happen to you. Your health is more important than your trip. If hospital is not an option, at least see if you can talk to your pdoc and get some meds before you go. I still think that you should go to ER if the thoughts of hurting others are strong and you feel like you can't control it. Safety first.

[optimistic_dolphin]

Originally Posted by sarahblue

Can you call her between appointments and tell her what you're going through? You don't sound like you're in a very good place.

I can't. There's no way I can contact her or talk to her. She isn't at the outpatient clinic everyday and being a senior dr, her days are packed to the fullest. so it's impossible to arrange urgent appt.

[optimistic_dolphin]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

You are somebody, and you matter. That's hard if you have a trip coming up that you don't want to miss. The thing is that traveling is stressful, and stress can make psychosis worse. If you go on your trip without dealing with this you run the risk of totally losing control, and being far away from home, maybe in a foreign hospital. I work in mental health (I am also bipolar), and I have had a patient lose it on a plane and get taken off by police and into hospital. I don't want something like that to happen to you. Your health is more important than your trip. If hospital is not an option, at least see if you can talk to your pdoc and get some meds before you go. I still think that you should go to ER if the thoughts of hurting others are strong and you feel like you can't control it. Safety first.

My family are all packing right now. They know I am not thinking straight but don't know what exactly is happening. Well, the trip isn't too much of a big deal to me. It's going back to a country we used to live. for 8-9 years. They are excited. I know I can blow it up over there. The flight is tmr morning at 11am. So there's 8 hours before we leave for airport... I have thoughts like my luggage will get x-ray and they will steal my stuff without opening the luggage, so I cover it up with newspaper.
I feel like I need the hosp but a part of them doesn't want to be trapped there. No going on the trip means anything can happen during this period at home. I keep thinking of killing my dog. The body goes cold and rot for the week before they come back to find him lying on the floor with flies and maggots.
My thoughts are running wild.like I need to sprinkle the floor with paper to lay the road for the man to return. the path of soul and hell. scribble on the wall to mark his blood and recognition.

[Curiosity77]

Go to the hospital now!! This is an emergency. You are thinking about killing your dog, and that is not ok. And the last paragraph of your last post sounds like you are quite psychotic. I'm really worried about you.

[~Christina]

You need to go to the er ... Your not safe at all. Imagine how you will feel if you did hurt your dog or someone else ? You need help now not later.

[Victoria'smom]

It's time to take your PRN and tell someone you trust what's really going.

[Curiosity77]

You ok optimistic dolphin?

[optimistic_dolphin]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

You ok optimistic dolphin?

hey everyone, thanks for your concerns.
i am really touched. sorry for not going online for so long.
I took some pay med and went to slp. my head is usually more clear in the day than night. My parents woke me up this morning to pack for the trip. My dad said just enjoy and have fun... My head is still running wild. I am overseas. I know it's bad but getting stimulated outside kinda distract me from the demons in my head. At least they don't occupy as much space. Only when night comes and i get back to hotel.

Curiosity, since you're working in this field, am i right that a PRN is injection taken when needed? I wish i have one. But my doc doesn't prescribe it. Never. I hav no idea why. Only in rare occasions when I am restrained in ward I get injection. Other times when restrained I only get slping pills, since it's night time.

I need to stay as stable as possible during these 6 days before returning home. Then I can consider inpatient. I need to meet up with parents' and my friends here. I don't wana face anyone. The psychotic thoughts are still strong. I feel there are surveillance cameras in my room.

[Curiosity77]

A prn would be a pill, not an injection. Prn means take as needed. There are a few antipsychotic meds that would work for this, but you should talk to a doctor to pick one. But it sounds like you need more than a prn, probably a regular daily dose, with maybe a prn for breakthrough symptoms. You will probably need to be stabilized in hospital, or at least with very frequent pdoc appointments if you are staying at home.

I think going on your trip is a dangerous idea. Hang in there, you will get stable and out of psychosis, but you need medical attention to get better. This is a serious illness.

[optimistic_dolphin]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

A prn would be a pill, not an injection. Prn means take as needed. There are a few antipsychotic meds that would work for this, but you should talk to a doctor to pick one. But it sounds like you need more than a prn, probably a regular daily dose, with maybe a prn for breakthrough symptoms. You will probably need to be stabilized in hospital, or at least with very frequent pdoc appointments if you are staying at home.

I think going on your trip is a dangerous idea. Hang in there, you will get stable and out of psychosis, but you need medical attention to get better. This is a serious illness.

Thanks for the info.
Zyprexa and Quetiapine is like one of the newer med these days.
My dr wants the least side effects as possible.
It's so hard to communicate with my dr :'( ughh........ i don't know. I am so frustrated. I am drawing my psychotic thoughts and images out on paper coz I can't possibly draw on the wall of the hotel room.... I stilll feel like punching someone in the face. and I have to pretend to be fine in front of others.