How did you accept your diagnosis?

Hello, I am newly diagnosed and at this stage I am having big issues accepting the diagnosis, which means I'm constantly off and on meds.

How did you accept your diagnosis?
How long did it take before you felt comfortable with this term being applied to you?
What if my team is actually just wrong but they tell me I "lack insight." How ca. I trust their opinion over my own view of myself!?

I'll post my intro from the welcome thread to give people an idea of my situation right now

"Hello
My name is Alice and I'm 22. I have recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
I've had a depression every year since I was 13 (I used to say that I began puberty and then "broke")
A psychiatrist diagnosed me when I was 18 but I rejected it and stopped seeking help.
These depressions got more out control until I've had lengthy admissions the last few years for them. I'm told I've had "manic" episodes
Where I've not needed sleep as much, felt like I was "on fire," very personable etc etc. (but I'm very skeptical)
I feel confused about my future and really upset that I won't just get better and have a day where I won't have a mental illness anymore. I wanted to come here to see how people have accepted their diagnosis and to meet other people diagnosed as a young person.

Sorry for the ramble. This is a hard time for me right now "

Thank you for if you read this or can help.

<b> how do I tell if I actually have bipolar...? </b>

I accepted my diagnosis pretty quickly, because it matched experiences I've had since before I was a teenager. No one in my family was very surprised. I was hospitalized 6 months out of the first year I was diagnosed.

My problem was not with accepting the diagnosis, but accepting that I can't CONTROL the bipolar through sheer willpower alone.

I never had a problem accepting that I have manias. I definitely do, they definitely aren't going away. The episodes cause massive destruction and I can't just pretend they're not happening. I lose friendships, relationships, freedom. So now I work to control it through meds and lifestyle. Different things work for different people.

I don't know how to tell if I actually have it. It just made sense for me. Maybe keep talking here and see if your experience matches up with others here? It's likely some will have different experiences, but some might be the same.

It took me awhile to accept my diagnosis, even though I had long suspected I was bipolar and indeed have had symptoms since I was very young. While the dx explained my moods and behaviors, it was still difficult to allow myself to be labeled.....I didn't want to be a "psych patient" or considered to be mentally ill. But I can deny it until the cows come home, and the truth is I live with a mental illness that has to be managed every day. And that's OK.

I think HOW I was diagnosed helped me. My primary care doctor asked me a question at one of my appointments that I found peculiar. I went home from that appt and looked up possible reasons she would ask me that. I discovered it was a huge red flag for bipolar. So I researched more (being able to research and learn things for myself so I can go to appts and have an informed discussion gives me a sense of control) and realized it really fit. And it was almost a sense of relief that there was an answer to why I felt the way I did. So by my next appt, I was able to ask her if that's what she was thinking at the time, and when she said yes, I could simply say I agree, and here's why. I even had a list of the meds, based on what my insurance would cover (researched that too!) and my top two preferences marked, which she ended up prescribing me one of them.

Yeah it's so hard! While I can accept I have a mental illness (I have had multiple 3 month hospital stints), I think it just hurts so much that this is not an illness that will go away. Everyone has suspected this a while but I have been withholding details that I knew would influence drs into giving me this diagnosis (or else just stopped seeing anyone who did... I know. Running away from my problems much)

Yeah theratrekid, perhaps that's more why I'm so upset. I don't even know where this leaves me in relation to my life/career goals. I'm still in uni and almost killing myself to get through this degree. It seems almost impossible. Then I get told I have this thing and I just don't want to believe i can't predict the course of my illness. It's all so scary. Especially as I've been treated for bipolar for the last 5 years anyway and I've still been so sick. It was just the latest 'elevated" episode that tipped the scales.

Thanks bipolar nurse , I guess time will only help. I know I have an illness, I struggle through so much of my life anyway.... But I just feel like people with bipolar are so sick... And that surely I'm not that bad. But you're right, itheres not much point denying at this point.Anyway forgive all this, my head's a mess and my mood is all over the place. Thanks a lot both of you xx

I still haven't accepted that I possibly am bipolar not sure of my official diagnosis. Just that it's bad. I hate taking meds but don't want to risk hospitalization again. I like my life and the freedom. One day I hope to have the freedom without the meds.

Mamabug1981, that sounds like a really helpful way to find out and I can see how that would definitely help. And that's awesome that you felt comfortable in discussing meds preferences!! My first psychiatrist put me on zyprexa without even telling me much about it- as an 18 year old girl, you can imagine how impressed I was about that! Grr .

My experience was so so different. I think my psychiatrist is absolutely fabulous (and he is known very well in the city/surrounding area) but he doesn't really believe in labelling until he is very certain. (More a focus on treating te symptoms, which I MUCH prefer). I've been seeing him for 5 years and he never told me I have OCD for example.
He definitely let me know in a way but he never explicitly diagnosed me until late last year when I was in hospital and I got referred for treatment for it.
Same with bipolar. I've been on lithium all these years but it was easy to tell myself it's "just in case."
Hearing those words just shocked me because we've never really discussed it. (Though to be fair, I was definitely not open to discussion...)

I think he doesn't want me being influenced by my own ideas or the internet when answering his questions but **** it was a surprise still. Plus I felt WONDERFUL when he told me this so i guess that makes it harder to believe you're sick! Finally I'm not feeling depressed and then this hahaha

We sound in a pretty similar place. Don't know if I believe I have bupolar but I know I am definitely quite ill in some way. Guess I don't know what I'd have if its not bipolar disorder though...

However, I am terrified to stop taking my meds. I never ever want to stop them because I just don't want to get sick again. I'm always scared of ending up in hospital again
My ideal would be to get off everything except for lithium. I love lithium. It's been a miracle for me and I don't get side effects except for the tremor.

I was diagnosed over 20 years ago. After 9 suicide attempts and 10 hospitalizations, I've finally admitted I have BP and I do whatever I can to try and reach stability.

I feel there's a difference between admitting it and accepting it.

I still don't accept it though. With every episode I have, I fight it. I get so down on myself that I can't control it. I berate myself for some of the behaviors that I've experienced due to certain episodes. After every episode which have been becoming more intense these days, I'll get maybe a week of stability and still to this day I think, it's over and make myself believe that it won't come back but it always does and I get so discouraged and it always leads to a depression.

That tells me, I don't accept it but know that I need to get there because I think I would make life a little easier on myself rather than battling on and on fighting it every step of the way.

I'm told all the time, I need to go with it, ride the waves when they come. Know that the episode isn't permanent but ACCEPT that these symptoms will always come back.

This forum really helps me try and get to that point. I learn a lot from these people and their stories.

I'll get there, it's a process.

So true. I guess I mean accept in the 'not rejecting the diagnosis' sense.
It's so hard to go with the flow. I think I'm cured every time my mood goes up and then when I'm depressed, I actually forget that I've been anything but depressed in my entire life! It's so good to talk to other people who know what's going on (and who I'm not scared will judge me. I haven't even told my mum because she thinks my depression is cured and was thrilled to see me happy...) I've spent all my teenage years being severely depressed or not being able r control myself but I thought I was just weak and lazy. The last time I was without these moods, I was 12 and I can barely remember those times. It's easy to forget that that's not just normal moods.

I can totally relate to what you're saying. I go through the same thing, even 20 years later. Acceptance is a process and very individual.

I learnt I have this illness myself over time by understanding and writing down my experiences and talking with others. But when I tried to get official diagnosis and seek professional help through mental health service, I didn't manage to convince the professionals that what I have is severe and challenging for me on own. I had sev assessments, saw psychiatric nurses and psychiatrists but was none of them agreed that I have Bipolar Disorder. They said I have mild to moderate depression. The last diag was Cyclothemia which is mild form of Bipolar when people have short periods of depression and hypomania but don't get severe episodes. Well, I do, have had severe episodes. And I have been affected by illness for years.

I accept that the symptoms fit the diagnosis. Some days still though I cannot accept the illness itself though, no matter what it is called, just living with the symptoms alone as a part of who I am and instead thinking of them as some foreign entity that I want gone; then other days, I know it to be true, it has made me who I am and would not change, so I work with it instead of fighting it.

Some of the first phases of acceptance are usually disbelief followed by denial. There will be these elements but I passed these so long ago knowing something was wrong with me, so for me it was immediately being comfortable with it, as had struggled for so long, I knew it fit. I was diagnosed with depression in my pre-teens but not diagnosed with BP until my early 30's. No one listened to me for decades about the other side of things. So once this dx (diagnosis) came in, I was just relieved to have been heard no matter what the dx turned out to be; I just wanted treatment for it.

If I ever had a doc tell me I lack insight, I would tell them that they better enlighten me, that is their job to explain better if there is something that they are trying to do or have decided, but I do not understand or readily accept at face value.

It is most important to listen to yourself (your body and your mind) and to do your own research, in this you can trust yourself to find out as much as you can paying attention to both the research and yourself; then no matter what someone else tells you, you have facts to check it against and checking with your own experience and symptoms, then you can decide whether to trust in their opinions. Anything you can do to educate yourself will make a difference to help you make informed decisions about your dx, care, and treatment options. Then work as a team with your providers towards a correct dx and your treatment goals.

To me, the diagnosis of BP II was kind of a relief, since I'd been struggling with what I thought was major depression for about fifteen years. I would go on antidepressants, feel great after a couple of days (yes, DAYS), and go off the meds eventually, only to become depressed again. I realize now that I felt so good because I was probably hypomanic, and I did things that were completely out of character.

However, this doesn't mean that I freely share my diagnosis, because of the stigma associated with it. I'm in a highly competitive field and don't want to be seen as "weak" because of it. I know that's an unfair perception but I think it's still there. I try to remind myself that it's a disease, just like diabetes or cancer, and so it doesn't define me as a person. I think the hardest part of accepting the diagnosis is related to the stigma surrounding it.

It did take me a long time to find a therapist and psychiatrist that I felt comfortable with. I think this is a huge help in accepting a diagnosis. I truly trust them and so I will follow their recommendations regardless of what I might think I should do. Having a therapist and not just a psychiatrist has really been helpful as well.

I wish you the best and hope things go well for you.

BPfroggy

I knew over a decade before I was actually diagnosed - never saw a need to go in for meds as I wanted to prove to myself that I could manage on my own!

Had been doing a lot of reading and was like "... oh yeah that sure sounds like me! But my hypomanias would be way too mild so maybe not" and thus went on with my merry life, depressions and all! I developed rules and guidelines for myself that I stick to pretty well (I'm pretty disciplined, stubborn and practical which helps me a looooot, along with my baseline being pretty reserved and careful!)

Finally decided to go and get antidepressants last year in anticipation of a rough year ahead, and I'd been stuck in and out of some really annoying depressions. So in I was to see a doctor and just disclosed the information about myself pertaining to depression and not worrying at all about the ups... to then have a spectacular reaction to the antidepressants and spent like two months SUPER wired and more hypomanic than I've ever, ever been. I was rather nuts.

So in I had to go to see a psychiatrist. I basically knew the results and was open about it, and he agreed with me.

I just accept that I'm me, and that "me" contains some stupid ***** depressions, and some rather fun hyper times. I don't really see anything wrong with me being me, although I do wish that the depressions would knock it off and that my self-esteem would be better. The label itself is rather nonimportant to me, although I don't disclose it to anyone outside of my friends due to the stigma.

I don't know if i have fully accepted the diagnosis, but i think i mostly have. I had 5 or 6 pdocs agree that i have bipolar, but my therapist doesn't agree and he's a psychologist and spends the most time talking to me. But i think he pretty much doesn't believe in bipolar disorder, he thinks these things are all psychodynamic responses to trauma, for almost everyone. So i don't really agree with his beliefs around the nature of mental illness, but he still makes me question myself and think maybe i'm accepting a label unnecessarily. And if i don't have the label, then i don't need the meds. So that gives me some hope, but also causes confusion. But, i do believe bipolar is a real thing, and it is the best explanation of the way my life has been. I've had symptoms since childhood, sometimes extreme, and sometimes needing hospital. It's textbook in a lot of ways. So i think i do accept it, but it is a little confusing.

I was actually relieved to know what I did was an illness and had a name. Then I was able to research and learn about treatment and how to manage it. That doesn't mean I like having bipolar, but at least I understand it better.

I don't need a psychiatist to tell me I have bipolar cos I already know it myself. The problem for me is getting people to believe and understand and trying to manage it so I can feel better in myself and live life more fully. The illness is not me. I'm not the illness and its not my fault and there are things I recognise that need changing and can happen.

I've never really had a problem accepting my diagnosis, because I (partially) diagnosed myself before I ever received treatment or a formal diagnosis. I say partially, because I suspected bipolar, and it turned out to be schizoaffective in the end, but close enough. I try to remain positive about my illnesses, in fact, I try to embrace them. I look at the insight, the creativity, the compassion they give me, as opposed to the negative aspects of them. Granted, ask me when I'm depressed, and I'll probably give you a completely different answer, but that's the nature of the beast, I think.

Just try to remember, accepting the diagnosis is in no way submitting to it. Just because you agree that it is there does not mean that it will control every aspect of you life. Illness or not, it is still your life to live.

I know what illness has been affecting me over years. I learnt through experiences over time. Bipolar is something I have come to understand I have so I don't need official diagnosis to tell me what fact is. Anyway, I didn't like going through assessments and getting inaccurate verdict of my circumstances and not being helped, supported when was in difficult place. I can't ignore, pretend I don't have serious illness. Other people may criticise me and think I don't, but they aren't living my life, seeing how I manage day to day and how I feel at nightime. I've had dramatic mood swings. Experienced both severe depressive periods and times of mania.

You shouldn't feel like ashamed or criticise yourself for having illness and hide it from people. Should be able to talk openly about how we feel with others regardless of what people may think and say about us.

Hey there,

It took me 3 years of going on and off my meds before I accepted it. Mainly my CPN saying I am "a typical bipolar who will always do this" I have proved him wrong lol! This was the easy part staying on meds. The hardest part is the acceptance. I kinda just had to remind myself I'm still me and that no matter how much meds rule my life I'm still old Laura just more stable. Ye I want to stay up late and not take my meds but I'm the end I know I have work FAR TOO HARD to let my own mind ruin my hard work

Ye I want to stay up late and not take my meds but I'm the end I know I have work FAR TOO HARD to let my own mind ruin my hard work

I know what you mean. I would like to add that I have too many demanding responsibilities to not let my mind ruin my hard work. I find that these reasons ars woefully underrated.

I resisted my diagnosis for 16 years, for various reasons.

I finally accepted my diagnosis, after I had a textbook type 1 manic episode complete with heavy psychotic delusions, and grandiosity to the Nth degree!!!

There was no denying it to myself any more, I was absolutely out of control. It still took awhile to sink in fully after that. Once I began Lamictal, and saw a major improvement, that put the icing on the cake, not only did I have extreme mania, but it was chemical imbalance in my brain...that medication can help. Classic Bipolar, no mistaking it. I finally believe the three psychiatrists that easily and rapidly diagnosed me as a clear-cut case of Bipolar type 1. I wish I had accepted it years ago!

How?

Not sure exactly how, because it was quite easy actually. It answered so many questions, and kind of provided the image for the puzzle I struggled to put together for the 10 yrs prior to being dxd.

Relieved much?

I was like, "I knew it! I am crazy! Atleast now I know what kind of crazy!!"

Not only that, but for me, knowledge is empowering, so knowing and accepting it, helps me obtain a better quality of life.
To me it just made sense to do so, because the alternative would be like denying I have a broken leg, struggling to walk normally, wondering why I can't walk, and then complaining about the excrutiating pain I'm in which means I am ultimately complicating my own life, and compromising my quality of life in the process.

Just didn't make sense for me to deny it,and I'm pedantic about me making sense.