Completely Lost.

I'm not sure where to start. I am in need of help and not sure how to get it. I tried reaching out to my family, it's been almost 2 weeks now, and it hasn't seem to phase them.

I gave them all links to my very emotional, very open blog and emailed videos that I have made during severe episodes because I wanted them to fully see what I have been really struggling with. To this day, they have yet to read my blog and have yet to say anything about these videos. I've only gotten excuses of being too busy and "I will soon." I've tried all I can to express that it's beyond what it's ever been but nothing has been done.

I met with my grandparents and cried and tried to openly talk. You can clearly see now that I've changed. I'm weak, pale and emotionless. We talked about treatment but they left for vacation the next day. I spoke to them on Sunday and began to try when my grandfather asked how I was but was soon cut off because his breakfast was served.

I met with both of my parents (whom are divorced and rarely meet together) to talk as well. They both watched me break down and I told them I was so exhausted and I had begun to no longer feel. I told them both how I've been relentlessly calling hospital after hospital, doctor after doctor and even read through all 100 pages of my insurance policy trying to find something. Neither offered to help and neither has. Since that day my father has yet to call and check on me.

The past few days everything has faded. There's no crying because there's no emotion. I'm numb and there's nothing left. I've never been this way and I don't know what to do. My mother called me on Saturday and I told her that I was so exhausted and I needed help, I couldn't feel and death was on my mind. I told her I might need to go to the hospital and her response was "call me if you do" not "I'm coming over" or "I'm coming to get you." She was on her way to some social thing so obviously it wasn't important.

When I told them I needed help I didn't mean a month later or even days later. I meant I needed it then and now I'm so far past that point I honestly don't know what to do. I've become numb, I don't feel anything anymore and it does feel like if they tried they couldn't reach through. Nothing can.

I feel so stranded. I know this is one big jumbled up negative post and I apologize but I just don't know what to do. I had a apt with my pDoc today and my mother went. I look like hell, you can clearly see I'm struggling. I told her EVERYTHING. I can no longer function, my job is struggling because I'm forgetting things and I have no energy to focus. I can't feel, I'm exhausted and I need treatment and needed to consider short term disability to seek it.

I don't want to loose my job but at this rate I will loose it anyways as my efficiency is suffering profoundly. My pDoc's response was that she doesn't want me to loose my job and gave me samples of Latuda and said I should setup therapy and then possibly out patient therapy.

What should I do? I feel so abandoned. I have to my pDoc on board if I want to successfully get treatment without going broke. My insurance is tied up in all sorts of pre authorizations and going to the ER to get committed would have me feeling like I'm escaping a train wreck that I'll have to return to. I know if my mind isn't at peace knowing that when I get out things will have somewhat of a easy transition that I'll drive myself that much further away from any benefit.

Does anyone have any advice? After the news of Robin Williams I've been getting text all day but some that are trying to strike fear into my heart by telling me I'll go to hell if I take my life and that I need to get help. How can I get help when everyone just says they'll help but aren't actually doing anything??

Can you call the local mental health center or a hospital and ask if they have partial hospitalization or intensive out patient program?

are you close enough to any of your friends. ive been open with my parents with mixed results. both my partners during my bouts of depression have been very supportive as have two of my really good friends. if you have a friend that you can confide in to help you I would really go that route. after cutting myself up I sent a picture to a friend of mine at 4 am. i got a text back 5 mins later saying on the way.

if there is no one to take you. go by urself to an impatient. i did this as well. it was a very hard decision to make. because at that point you feel you have no one and you are all alone. but you arent. you still have urself. as cliche as that sounds. and thats all you really have in life. going impatient feels like you have failed or that you are on the brink. but its not. it is a way of getting help. it is positive.

i think my parents didnt know what to do and they thought it was their fault. i know my mom looked at me like she was guilty of something and my dad stayed away from me for a long time. but i thought about it a lot and realised they didnt know how to deal with it. im not sure if its the same with your parents. you seem to communicate more to them your needs then I have with my parents.

pm if you wish.

I think my parents and family don't. Unfortunately I don't really have any friends that would do that for me. I'm scared to just go to put myself in the hospital leaving all ends loose. I have a condo, new car I just bought, etc, etc. I know these things aren't as important as my life but with how many family has been how will I catch myself when everything falls as a result?

They haven't shown me they would be there and I'm not sure they would. I do know all I have in this life is myself but when I can't hold myself up what do I do?

I would consider intensive out patient but I feel it would have little effect. It's worth a try but I don't have the energy to move at a pace carrying treatment and work.

im not sure what type of work you do. but i did request off from work before for impatient. i went in for 7 days. i did have vacation and sick time saved so I was able to use some of that to cover the time off from work.

I'm worried that what I previously posted came across in the wrong way so I'm removing it.

I wish you all the best in your journey and hope you find the support you are looking for.

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It is a betrayal are desperately reaching out for help and the very people who should be helping you the most are not helping. I am familiar with this feeling because I went through suicidal depression, anxiety, panic and an episode of psychosis, and abuse as a teenager and my parents did not help me. I learned through therapy that while I was at the mercy of my parents as a child, as an adult I could make some decisions for myself and take action to get the help I needed. I say this hoping it empowers you to keep seeking the help you are looking for.

The not being able to feel is a side effect of medication. I have had it and its the worst side effect i had ever had. I felt nothing not happy or sad nothing!

Thank you, I hate to hear you went through those things but it does give me some hope. I am trying to take things into my own hands but it's been rather exhausting continually searching and fighting fatigue and emotions all at once. What types of therapy did you find were helpful to you? I have been looking therapy but didn't know which direction to take.

I'm hoping that may be the case with what I'm feeling but I have been on the same medications for years so I question why that would be happening now. My pDoc just switched me to Latuda yesterday and today was my first time taking it. It made me extremely drowsy and I just got up for a nap I couldn't resist. She said it would be activating and give me energy but it did the exact opposite. I know these things take time so hopefully this will help.

I wish you the best... I'm trying to pull myself out of a 8 week hole of hell..... therapists and other people were encouraging me to do outpatient because my psych of 2 years is a worthless clown imo.... by act of god (yes I truly believe that) I called another place they got me in the next week... couldn't believe they was still pushing these meds on me and I'm currently adding one med and getting off a few others.. cannot wait to be off them.... called yesterday and the dr actually talked to me for like 15 minutes..... this is what you need... a personal advocate for you.... therapy etc.... therapists. A good one will goto bat for you.. help your parents (if there's anything that will make them get on board it would be a therapist most likely. .. I wish you luck.... I'm hoping to see the light of day soon... been very rough. . Feel your pain

((Hugs)) I am in Canada - I am grateful I don't have to deal w Ins stuff. If I feel that bad I can just go to the emergency and self admit - tell them that I don't feel safe - Here they don't Commit or put a hold on you if you 'Self Admit'. The only problem is whether or not they have a bed available. It is SO OVERCROWDED. If you feel 'unsafe' PLEASE take yourself to the ER & tell them - Insurance etc will sort itself out. So will your Job. xo <3

I wish you the very best. I know how hard it is to juggle hospitalization with family, bills, job, etc.