I eat carefully to help control my bipolar, but today I forgot breakfast and had just yogurt for lunch. By the time supper came around I was famished and polished off a box of chocolates and a big bag of chips. I feel guilty and gross. Must refocus.

[Pikku Myy]

I am in this I don't know how to feel mode Not happy, not sad, not excited, just here. Could be better, could be worse, lol

[onionknight]

I want this semester to be over. I want to forget about everything that happened and reorder my brain. That is all I can feel right now.

Kind of sad. Our neighbor died. We live in a duplex. Tonight, the police knocked on our door, asking when we had last seen him (doing a welfare check). It had been a couple of days, which, in and of itself was not unusual. But we just knew right away that it wasn't going to be ok. It was the day we knew was coming, and that it would be sooner than later. He was in very poor health, very heavy and altogether unhealthy lifestyle. So not exactly a shock. Still.

We were not buddy buddy, but got along just fine. He worked nights and we're night owls. It was almost like having our own little house. Music at 3 am? No problem.

Two things gnaw. Just a few nights ago, we were talking about what an ideal neighbor he was for us. I thought to myself that, the next time I saw him, I was going to make a point of telling him we really like having him as our neighbor. That didn't happen. Carpe diem, people… The other thing is this. It was not unusual to hear him having coughing fits (chain smoker). But the other night, I heard another sound. It disconcerted me. I realize now it was the last sound heard from the other side of the wall. And that I was the only person who heard it. Yeah.

That's kind of haunting. (Though, TG, without the burden of guilt for reasons too numerous/complicated to go into here.)

We helped the officials with the (very) limited amount of info we could. It was raining and cold, but I felt compelled to stay outside. Respects or something. I barely ever drink at all anymore. But when the wheeled him out, I said a silent goodbye and raised my cup.

It's just kind of sad.
(Mood-wise I've been in good shape for a few days now. This doesn't change that. It's just a sombre thing.)

[Wander]

Saw my psychiatrist today. He believes I have been hypomanic most of the last month and wants me to reduce my Pristiq (anti-depressant) to bring me back to baseline. I am hesitant to do so as I am having fun and am not doing any harm. I am not always hypo, I tend to cycle in and out of it without getting depressed at all. It has been so wonderful to not be depressed over the last month. My psychiatrist is concerned I will crash but I feel relatively stable and hopeful I will stay this way for some time.

[Hopeful Camel]

Ok, I'm a-lovin' the Ambien. I slept ALL NIGHT. I feel like a human. I can't tell you how much getting some sleep means to me. It feels good to be able to function during the day.

I'm a little amazed at how well I have been doing, mood wise. Sometimes I think I am waiting for something to go amiss, but I am finally starting to ease into feeling like this is my current 'normal.' And that, too, feels very good.

My business is doing well.

I have a lot of gratitude as I write this morning. I'm grateful for this thread on PC. I'm grateful for all of you!

[Love&Toil]

I'm down today. Think the late nights are catching up with me. I'm bored.

[Pikku Myy]

Feel much calmer this morning... not so overwhelmed I guess

[onionknight]

Oh hello there, mixed episode and urge to hurt myself. I thought I weren't be seeing you again because medication...

[Turtlesoup]

Feeling better this morning-sun is out so I opened the front door-I always score points with the cat when I do that. See my tdoc this afternoon-think this is going to be a good day-hugs to all

[Stone Serenity]

Hi folks. Newly diagnosed bi-polar here. Today I'm hopeful, but I must say, the circumstances around the diagnosis sucked.

I have been seeing a therapist and a couple of weeks ago I had a total panic attack with claustrophibia and hysterical tears. It was bad, but glad I had it at therapists office. Apparently she had planned on telling me that she was leaving and starting her own practice in another city that day, but because I was such a mess she didn't. So my next session, when we talked about what happened, she told me that she has diagnosed me as bi-polar.

Then she said, "and when I leave..."

I stopped her there. "Wait -- you're leaving?"

"Oh, I thought I told you. No, that's right, last week you were too upset so I didn't tell you. Sorry. This will be our last session. "

That was Wednesday before Thanksgiving holiday. I hadn't even been assigned a counselor or new appointment and I had to sit with that over the holiday. Terrible, irresponsible move by the therapist. I think maybe I'm glad to see her go!

It's been a hard bit of news to swallow, but in one way, I'm relieved to at least know what has been causing me all this pain for so many years. I started Depakote last night and am hoping for the best.

[Takeshi]

Cycles within cycles. That explains a few things, but then where am I? Mindfulness and focusing on the task at hand are keeping me here for now.

My meds are running out. I don't even have enough to slowly wean off of them. I do not trust my pdoc any more and my chances of finding a good doc who can work with me is slim to none. Trained and qualified therapists are nonexistent in my area.

I guess I'm still in sync with myself. Time to rest my brain. G'night.

[HighOnHotSauce]

I got somethings in order today like my health insurance which is huge. I've only been on medication for my Bipolar1 for a few months and I realize now how much I relied on the super upswings to get things done. I got a lot of useless, some times dangerous things done too, but did get a lot done. Now I don't have that anymore, well to that scale so I've been learning how to push myself to get things done and I finally had some real success with that today.

[Standup2me]

Originally Posted by Canadian sasquatch

I have yet to meet a woman how isn't beautiful in some way.... feeling better I guess that is the only way to put it for now

Right on! Right on!

[Standup2me]

Doing okay today. Still drifting through life without a goal

[Turtlesoup]

Originally Posted by Stone Serenity

I hadn't even been assigned a counselor or new appointment and I had to sit with that over the holiday. Terrible, irresponsible move by the therapist. I think maybe I'm glad to see her go!

It's been a hard bit of news to swallow, but in one way, I'm relieved to at least know what has been causing me all this pain for so many years. I started Depakote last night and am hoping for the best.

Welcome Stone-sorry you had such a bad experience-I agree that was pretty messed up for a therapist. Hope you will find plenty of support here.

[Love&Toil]

Today has been...unexpected. I had been dizzy and weepy and went home from work today. My manager said to stay home tomorrow if I need it. Not sure what I'm going to do. Maybe I should just take the day and take care of myself. I feel guilty though. OTOH it may be the only way to get through the next several weeks. I need a day of recouperation from stress.

[tigersassy]

I'm unable to sleep. I'm tired, but I'm thinking too much. How do I deal with this? How should I feel about being diagnosed with leukemia? I'm numb. I want to feel. I'm out of my seroquel and can't afford to get more thanks to everything else going on. I'm just numb. I think stress is adding to this feeling of numbness. What can I do? I'm just numb. I know I keep repeating myself, but what else can I say? I'd almost welcome depression at this point because I'd feel something or even a little manic. Something...

[Roblovescats]

Frustrated with my self.

FOOD ALERGY WARNING: contents may have been in contact with nuts

I was (am) working on a project for the community and was using a mental health professional as an adviser. He was a willing and helpful adviser. Today he told me that he can no longer have anything to do with the project because it is a conflict of interest. I am sad. I am scared that I will not be able to do this on my own. I am confused. I am questioning the relationships I have with any person in a professional role. I am angry because had I known this would happen I would not have gotten so invested. I feel like something has been shaken. I just want to go to bed until it all goes away.

[onionknight]

I took a whole bottle of Xanax last night. That was fun...

[Takeshi]

Off to work in a few minutes. A tad bit anxious as usual, but I know that I'm able. When I go one step out the door, I'll do fine, I often do more than fine. All I need to do is keep pushing forward.

[Turtlesoup]

Had a really good day today-am working on being nicer to myself & putting some of my needs first which is really hard for me to do-I'm always the caretaker & the martyr so it was nice to have a day where I didn't let myself fall into those roles.

Had a good cry, listened to some sad music, felt sorry for myself and finally refocused. Must get back on track. I can do this. I will do this.

[Hopeful Camel]

I had a rough day yesterday, due to stuff happening at work that was beyond my control. But you know what? I handled it as well as I could, came home early and nurtured myself, and did what I needed to, to stay grounded.

So I am proud of myself today. And that is ok.

Feeling a bit more positive about the holiday season coming up. Have been listening to Hanukah music and planning a small get together to make latkes.