This is my first post on this site or any for that matter. Four years I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 after being placed under a code 5150 and put on a 72 hour hold. After being on meds for a few months I stopped all my treatments, as I was convinced I was merely depressed and I did not have bipolar. Since then I have tried anti depressants on and off, as well as self medicating with substances. I recently seeked treatment again after I accepted that I was indeed severely bipolar. Now I'm facing up to what I've been doing all these years

I'm married, my wife and I have been together eight years. We have a five year old son. She stays at home with him and I work. While she is imperfect in her own ways like everyone, she's always been loyal and faithful to me. And I always tried to be, and when she asked me I always said that I never did anything to betray her. But that was a lie. Although when I feel like my regular self I am completely faithful to her, when I would lapse into a mixed manic episode I would look at pornography, and I did this behind her back and never once told her what was going on. A week ago she figured out that it was happening, at least at that time, and my immediate reaction was to keep lying. I tried to lie my way out of what I'd done, partly because i was still in my manic episode and partly out of panic. After a lot of coercing on her part, I eventually came clean about everything. And still being clouded by my episode, I tried to blame her and said I was unhappy and I was leaving her. The next day she told me she was four weeks pregnant, and she didn't want to keep the baby. Hearing that rocked me to the core. She has always been against abortion, and to know what i had done led her to feeling this way opened my eyes to the hurt I had caused her. Three days after she told me, she miscarried due to stress. All this happening has sent me into a whirlwind. It's completely changed my perspective on what I've done and the person I am. I've gotten back on my medication, and I'm in the process of doing everything I can to change myself into being a better person. But as for our relationship, I fear it may be too late. At times she seems hopeful that she can forgive me, but more often the pain is too much and she wants nothing to do with me ever again. She does not believe I can change and be honest, which I can hardly blame her. I know I'm committed, and if she does leave me I will continue striving to be a better healthier person, for myself and my son. But I cannot let her go. I have always loved her and I still do, but my actions were so unloving that she doesn't believe that. To her, the entire 8 years has been a lie. I've been begging her to seek counseling both with me and for herself but so far she hasn't. I know that if there is hope that it will take time, but I want to do everything I can to try to help us be on that road, together. It's hard to look at myself in the mirror anymore, and the things she has to say about me don't help, partly because there is truth in some of it. I don't know what I expect to get out of posting this, mostly I just have nobody to talk to about this, so I'm just putting it out there to see what happens. I feel like a terrible evil person. Anybody with any insight I'm all ears

[kaliope]

it took me a long time to admit I was bipolar too...I had to reach a bottom as well before I was willing to take meds...it was a long journey...It took a long time to stabilize but now stable a few years I look at the wreck life was all this time and I never want to go back. that keeps me on meds...not for my family or my career or anything else...for myself..i am sick and tired of living that wreck of a life...you have to do it for you to be successful.....welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[hiddenfriend]

Your story and mine are almost identical. I have been married for nine years and have a five year old son. Bipolar I here, addiction after addiction. pornography included. Kicked the pain killers 7 years ago and haven't had a drop of alcohol in a almost a year now. But I still pull my hair, smoke, have a horrible caffeine addiction and a few others. The rest of the story almost mimics my life. Me wanting to leave after a manic episode to her having a miscarriage. But after that it was another manic episode for me. We spent 3 years in counseling and things are finally improving for us. I still see help every week on my own. Hope things improve. Keep it together man. At least for your son.

[Pikku Myy]

You can change and be a happy person just by accepting your diagnosis.

[ChipperMonkey]

Simply looking at porn is cheating?!?! (No, you're not an addict...) I guess I don't get it. Lots of guys look at porn. If I refused to date a guy who ever looked at porn, I'd never date! I get that your wife is against porn, but I honestly think this is being blown up into something greater than it is. Its not like you're going out an having sex with random women you picked up at a bar.

I get that you feel bad, but I think you're beating yourself up for it just a little too much.

[Victoria'smom]

looking at porn is not cheating in my relationship but I know several relationships it is cheating. I would have her put parental filters on so it's harder for you to get too giving her more trust. I think she probably feels worse about the lying and subsequent divorce conversation then the porn.

Schedule a couples therapy session and just tell her the time. I feel both the BP person, and each of there family members (including your son) need individual therapy to stay healthy.
Do not blame yourself for the miscarriage there are so many reasons that can happen it's not right to blame it on you or her

[Sillywabbit]

This thread really hits home for me. I have been with my husband for almost nine years. We were going through a horrible time in life and we stopped being nice to each other. We were merely living together with off and on days. I worked nights and he worked days. We had opposite days off so we never saw each other. I didn't know I was bipolar at the time and didn't understand my reckleness and actions. I started drinking every night after work at a bar with the crew I worked with. I had a very high ego as I was the only woman Chef in a very large and reputable casino. I was flying high and felt untouchable. A man started showing me attention and complimenting me heavily. We worked together so we spent a lot of time together. Well, the worst happened. I had an affair. I went against everything I had ever believed in. I wasn't a cheater. But I was now. I left my husband during a huge fight and while he was at work I picked up and left. I lived with a friend and couldn't have the heart to tell him what really happened. I was so upset that he wasn't showing me the attention that some other man was. Anyways long story short, I ended up coming clean about everything to him. We have decided to work things out. It has been almost a year and we have our good and bad days. I hurt him so bad. There was no excuse for that and I accept all responsibility. I absolutely do not dismiss what I did to him, but I just couldn't figure out what made me do it. I can't even remember the details of the affair. I can't remember what the guys face even looks like. I was so confused and came crashing down so hard. I hit rock bottom. I resigned my position as the Chef, and I sought help. It was then that after seeing a Psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and Borderline personality disorder. I feel your guilt and your pain. I feel the demons that go through your thoughts. Many times I crucify myself over and over. I understand. There is hope though. You have to admit to yourself there is a problem and you will do what it takes to better yourself, which then in turn you will better your marriage. I feel for you, I am sorry you are going through this.

Thanks for the support folks. Unfortunately, I have fought hard to try to show her I'm committed to treatment and being better, but so far in vain. She has stopped fighting. She told me multiple times there was hope but today she texted me while I was working and told me she has figured out she can never love me again. The lies for eight years is just too much. There were so many times I could have come clean but I had to wait to be caught and for that I must face the consequences. I think she won't be there when I get home. I know she's been trying to contact her ex. Or at least she's saying that. I know it's possible in time we could come together again but the end is so hard to see when you're in the middle of it. I've gone back on my meds, I'm going to my first therapy session in two days, and I have to maintain my focus on my son, my recovery, my job, and my new found faith. But it is the hardest thing I've ever experienced to watch her go. And To those of you who say porn isn't cheating, I disagree. I don't care if "everyone does it". I don't care if the pope does it to be honest. There are millions of families destroyed by it and it is detrimental to your brain. It has been proven to cause erectile dysfunction. It hurts those you love. My son will grow up in a broken home over it, and my unborn child might still be alive if it weren't for my actions. Mania or not, it is far from harmless. If I didn't have a son and I wasn't on my meds, I guarantee I would have committed suicide by now. I was supposed to protect this woman and my child and I did the exact opposite. I will always hate myself for it.

[Curious651]

Reading, reflecting, and feeling sad for your child and all involved. It is shame that things have gone as far as they have. I cannot tell you how this will work out, but I can say it will resolve some way. I hope it has minimal impact on everyone and perhaps everyone can become stronger. As for the porn, it is everyone's choice. Lying is hard to accept for anyone. One lie leads to many others. Like addiction, ppl become use to lying and lie for no reason. Best of luck