[Mimielam]

I'm almost 50, I've always had ups and downs. I've been evaluated many times, been in a few therapies that lasted years and still again even with all the nice copping skills, the insight, the experience it keeps happening over and over. I've seen doctors, psychiatrists, talked my heart out, acted out, cried, regretted, and so on..but this still creeps up on me and I'm really fed up of feeling all these emotions, of not being able to reason myself, of having tantrums when I know it's good for notting..mostly of having a deep down feeling that sometimes I just can't control my emotion up or down and I always pay the price and my loved ones also. this mental illness helps me be productive and creative in my highs, than I become a monster, than I wish I was a little tiny moth ball and hide until it's all better but it's never better it just starts all over again. I don't even know when I'm just in a normal stage in my cycle or phases or whatever. Today I have been crabby and I've put a toll on my partner and my daughter..it's hard on them. But you know what its also really hard on me because one minute I want to disappear, ne next I just want someone to hold me and say everything will be better. I wish so many things, simple things and no one will be able to give it to me because I scare the **** out of them..but in fact I'm scarred and angry at myself for being this way. When I'm felling this way I would just like to die because it's too hard for myself and those around me. I tell myself they will miss the good me but finally be rid of the ****** me..I tell myself..I don't want to die cause I love them and some times in my cycles thing are nice and normal..but it is really getting to me..it's just getting harder and harder to motivate myself cause I'm stuck with these cycles for the rest of my life and it will not change..it never has. But I'm a big coward fact is I'm so afraid of dying..what if its worst after..Right now if I could afford it not just financially but emotionally , I would leave my job, and find a good excuse to go far away until I feel better so this way I would not hurt anybody aside from myself and that would be easier to live with..at least when I would come back I'd be the normal me and would not have to explain why I am this way..but that is not realistic..so I'll take my meds and hope I get through this without to much damage. How to excuse my lousy behaviour when I'm having so much time coping with it. I'm going to bed best thing to do now

[Wander]

SO sorry to hear you have to keep going through this all Mimielam. I can partly relate as I am a rapid cycler so I never know how I am going to feel when I wake up, or even this afternoon. It is exhausting and straining on relationships. All I can say is keep fighting and keep seeking different treatment options that may make you life just that little bit easier. I am still at a loss as to what to do with my situation but recent med changes have helped a bit and I am in therapy to help me deal with the illnesses I have. Be kind to yourself, it is a really tough illness to deal with. You have survived this long so you must be very strong. Take care.

[BipolaRNurse]

Your pain is palpable and I am so sorry you feel this way. Sometimes I do too, like now when life crap is making me miserable and there doesn't seem to be any way out of it except either go through it or die. I don't want to die. I want the pain to go away. But as you know, it's not that easy.

I'm older too (almost 56) and I wonder how many more years are left to deal with this stupid illness. But as bitter as life has become for me in many ways, I still count my blessings because that's all I have to hang onto. It sounds like you have loved ones too, and no matter how bad things may look at a given time, they would NOT be better off without you! It also sounds like you know that, so hold onto them through the bad times when running away or dying seems like a solution.

Have you seen a doctor recently? Are you taking any meds? I should think an adjustment is in order with these persistent feelings of sadness and your frequent mood swings. Please try again if you're not getting therapy or meds.....the very next thing you try could be the magic bullet. You never know.

Of course, you can always vent here, too. None of us are doctors and we can't give you medical advice, but we listen pretty well.

Welcome to PC. We're glad you're here!

I'm sorry to hear you are so frustrated. I am as well. I'm also almost 50 and still going thru the mood swings, tho mine are long episodes. I've been doing meds for 23 years and still yoyoing. I find therapy makes me feel worse. I get frustrated because i AM being resposible about my illness and taking the meds obediently and seeing a psychiatrist regularly -- but i still get manic.

I find my psychiatrist just lets me make whatever changes i want. I've come to resent it and realized a chilling thing: she let's me make whatever changes i want BECAUSE MY GUESS IS AS GOOD AS HER'S!!! She doesn't know any better than i what meds will work.

Well, that's a lot about me, but i just wanted you to know you're not alone in being frustrated with managing bipolar into middle-age. I guess it's more of an art than a science at this stage.

[Yoda]

It sounds like the meds you are taking right now aren't effective. How often do you see your pdoc? How long has it been since you tried a new med? After I was diagnosed with bipolar it took nearly seven years to find a combination of meds that worked for me. I am fifty-five years old too and there is hope. I seldom have mood swings anymore unless I run out of meds because I didn't drive into town soon enough or something triggers me.

Hang in there. There is hope.

[Blitter2014]

I can only offer a hug. I also agree with the above posts about getting a review of your medication and hanging onto the positives in your life and keeping them in perspective.
I wish you well

[Lemon Curd]

I'm in the same boat. Hand me the oars. It's my turn to row a bit.
That's just me.
*big warm friendship hug*

I understand what you feel. I go through the same process. The one thing you need to realize is that if you have someone with you then they understand. They're trying to help you get better. If the meds are not working perhaps you need to try another. I've been on nearly every medication there is and I hope you can find the right combination. It takes a long time and I'm sorry but it is what it is. I wish I could be there for you right now. Tell you it will be okay and that we can get through this. The first great step is you joined here. Being here will help you because it should show you you're not alone. You have tons of other people on here going through the same thing and if you ever need to talk, we're here. Please let me know.

[Mimielam]

Hello, Since my last post my moods have shifted to a more reasonable level..not great but I'm hopping I'll get back to an "acceptable stable" mood soon. To answer some questions, for once I think I have a great PDOC. she has been following me for about a year and a half. I had my appointment today for follow up. We talked about medications, she asked lots of questions and I admitted some things that where on my mind about treatment. So we agreed that so far since late september the "hypomania" as stop..no more antidepressants. the divalproex level in my blood work is good...but I should be taking the seroquel that I'm to stubborn to take because it always makes me feel like a dummy. Also it's sometimes hard for me to have the exact words that best describe my up and down..and I forget..i write bits of stuff in one place and some in other places...well anyways..for the past two days I'm more stable in my so so sadness and neutral...I still don't eat too much because I just don't feel like it..but I'm sleeping and talking and I'm functioning. SO she thinks my mood should get better within a week but if not that I must call her and I do have another appointment in two weeks. Thank you everybody for all the answers you gave me. ps: I've tried so many different combinations with other doctors who had given me other "diagnosis" that I'm afraid to try medication because sometimes they make things worst and than I'm sick longer and longer and this time I don't want to be in a sick mood I'm fed up of putting my life on hold. goodnight

[Mimielam]

In case those of you go back to my post..well just to let you know I'm better. My mood is more uniform, still a moody but I thinks it's more acceptable. thank you

[sylo]

Originally Posted by Mimielam

In case those of you go back to my post..well just to let you know I'm better. My mood is more uniform, still a moody but I thinks it's more acceptable. thank you

Glad to hear,,,it makes me hopeful dealing with my own emotional yoyo ,,thankyou for the update,,,,

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Mimielam

In case those of you go back to my post..well just to let you know I'm better. My mood is more uniform, still a moody but I thinks it's more acceptable. thank you

That's great news. I hope you continue to improve

Thanks for the updates, Mimielam. It's good to hear you're doing better!

Originally Posted by Mimielam

…. Also it's sometimes hard for me to have the exact words that best describe my up and down..and I forget..i write bits of stuff in one place and some in other places...

Oh wow, can I ever relate to that! Heh. Aside for the "usual" of that in all realms…Perhaps you will get a laugh…..For quite some time now I've been meaning to update my mood chart form. So in the meanwhile, there's formless half-illegible jibber-jabber written on super cheap glued binding notebook that's all curled up and the pages are falling out all over the place. Since I'm often at a loss how to answer "So how have you been doing?" at appointments, perhaps I should just hold up the "scroll".
"OH. I see."

(And, why has the chart not been updated? Wrote some good ideas of new things to put on there. No idea what they were or where that little scribble is! )

[canadiangaltoosad]

Omg, it's like reading my own words. I know exactly how you feel. Everything you wrote, I just went through over the past two days. I'm with you, hug.

[Mimielam]

today was a bad day and the more I think about it the more I realize that I'm not ok and will need to leave another message to my doctor..Its been a hard week trying to act like I was better to make my family happy but matter of fact I'm not good, I feel like ****, I feel guilty, I'm fed up with everything I must do, I'm fed up that even if I'm a pain for my family they can also be a pain, I'm fed up that addressing issues about what I need never really changes and I'm fed up that even if I try to be nice and undisturbing and just do what I'm suppose to do like a good little person..nothing changes. why should I be nice. My partner is terrible at showing empathy, lousy at being affectionate unless she's in a good mood, or she goes through an issue and that I come around to help the way she needs it. Yup I'm sick I have a mental illness that makes living with me hard some times..but on the other hand man can I be convenient and practical for some things. Today was a hard day, I felt sad and needed a hug a lousy hug but instead I was able to say a few words and it made me feel like I was disturbing her again. In normal times when I'm feeling ok..I can live with this it,s just a frustration, but today, this week with all the **** happening it's just too much. I may have a mental illness but she has her own problems that I live with and today well it made me sad, real sad and frustrated..because I feel guilty sometimes of being a burden..I offer to do stuff that I know will make her happy and because it makes me happy to help but then..when she acts like this it really makes me wonder. While I'm home on sick leave solving the problems around our house and her mom's house trying to be calm and not stressing, trying not to complain she's just acting as if I was all good..I'm not all good, I've just gone from a summer of hypomania that has gone to being cranky, started new med, had to accept I needed to take a sick leave..I'm scared **** I'll loose my new job..and my mother who needs me is in the hospital undergoing test for lung cancer and I can't get myself to go there cause I work there...I'm not ok..and never did she offer to go see my mom...really today is crappy.

[Mimielam]

Happy today is over, I survived my emotions, managed to do something that was a big mountain. Felt drained but was so happy that when I walked in the house, instead of just saying hello, I went to see my partner and we spoke about our days events and that made me feel so much better and even better when she reached out and gave me a hug..wow.

[radioactive1]

Originally Posted by Wander

SO sorry to hear you have to keep going through this all Mimielam. I can partly relate as I am a rapid cycler so I never know how I am going to feel when I wake up, or even this afternoon. It is exhausting and straining on relationships. All I can say is keep fighting and keep seeking different treatment options that may make you life just that little bit easier. I am still at a loss as to what to do with my situation but recent med changes have helped a bit and I am in therapy to help me deal with the illnesses I have. Be kind to yourself, it is a really tough illness to deal with. You have survived this long so you must be very strong. Take care.

I used to cycle so badly before my doc got me on the right meds. It really messed up my life.

[Mimielam]

Originally Posted by radioactive1

I used to cycle so badly before my doc got me on the right meds. It really messed up my life.

Well I hope these are the right ones. Since she stopped the antidepressants, and said I was in hypomania...said she was convinced it was cyclothemia..and started me on divalproex: (epival) and wanted me to take seroquel..witch I took for just a fews days cause I feel too much like a zombie well, yup I came back down to earth..I did notice some change..some good some bad..but now in the last few days..I feels has if my medication is not working enough..My days start out ok but by about late afternoon..I start being yoyo again, and it's hard to stay calm..by evening..if I don't manage to be reasonable I'm not good and the not good varies. She won't let me go back on antidepressant because she does not want me to go up in hypomania again and said that the meds will kick in to help me with feeling not quite functional stable for a full day and feeling depressed at the end of the day. so now I must take rivotril to calm down my anxiety..When and how long will this cycle stop so I can get back to my life.

[Blitter2014]

My pdoc tried me on AD's while I was on lithium. It sent me sky high to the point of hospitalization. Now I'm tring to get stable on mood stabilizers and AP's. Its a balancing act to get the meds working thats for sure.

I hope you get some relief soon from the right combination. Hugs

[radioactive1]

Originally Posted by Mimielam

Well I hope these are the right ones. Since she stopped the antidepressants, and said I was in hypomania...said she was convinced it was cyclothemia..and started me on divalproex: (epival) and wanted me to take seroquel..witch I took for just a fews days cause I feel too much like a zombie well, yup I came back down to earth..I did notice some change..some good some bad..but now in the last few days..I feels has if my medication is not working enough..My days start out ok but by about late afternoon..I start being yoyo again, and it's hard to stay calm..by evening..if I don't manage to be reasonable I'm not good and the not good varies. She won't let me go back on antidepressant because she does not want me to go up in hypomania again and said that the meds will kick in to help me with feeling not quite functional stable for a full day and feeling depressed at the end of the day. so now I must take rivotril to calm down my anxiety..When and how long will this cycle stop so I can get back to my life.

I know what you mean. My pdoc got me on divalproex, cymbalta and seroquel. I have to be careful I don't go manic, but so far it hasn't been a problem. The seroquel helps me sleep. The only time I cycle anymore is when I am getting sick and then it's a matter of getting cranky. That's much better than when I used to cycle every hour or two.

[radioactive1]

Originally Posted by Blitter2014

My pdoc tried me on AD's while I was on lithium. It sent me sky high to the point of hospitalization. Now I'm tring to get stable on mood stabilizers and AP's. Its a balancing act to get the meds working thats for sure.

I hope you get some relief soon from the right combination. Hugs

Lithium didn't even put a dent in my condition. It is tough to get the right combination of meds.