[MagicsMom]

Apologize in advance that this is long but I'm hurt, desperate and afraid.

My therapists have been wanting me to go inpatient for the past six months. I FINALLY decided to go inpatient and got a bed after about five days. I gave my reasons for going as rapid cycling for Bipolar II, severe anxiety and suicidal ideation. This was HUGE for me because I'm almost 100 percent agoraphobic without my husband. He doesn't drive so I had to drive myself 1/2 hour. Had a panic attack when I got there but forced myself to go in. They put my reason for admitting as self injury.

Met with all kinds of people, answered all kinds of questions and was admitted to the STAT I unit (highest functioning). Was scared to death but felt like I would get good medical/mental health care. The first night they weren't going to give me my Klonopin or Ambien even though I brought my empty bottles as admitting doctor had cancelled them without telling me (also cancelled my Seroquel but didn't know that then). I had a major panic attack, was hysterical and night nurse called on call PDoc who approved them as standing order. Trust broken number 1.

The next day I meet with my assigned PDoc who informs me admitting dr diagnosed me as depressed NOS, BOrderline PD, Anxiety NOS. I again freaked out because those diagnoses are VERY different in terms of severity (see signature for official diagnosis confirmed by multiple Pdocs, therapists, etc). The PDoc said she could not change what he wrote and that she never diagnosed anyone as bipolar because it was a severe mental illness! Uh what? She would determine what she thought when I left. Trust broken number 2. She did put all my medicines back. Left her office hysterical and called husband. He called charge nurse, PDoc, social worker. He told them how difficult it was for me to go there and that they had destroyed my trust in them even though I desperately needed their help. Found out Seroquel had been stopped and got them to restart it.

Leave her office hysterical and sign paper to check myself out in 72 hours - reason given - didn't trust medical staff. Found out I couldn't smoke with that signed so I rescinded it.

Next day I'm pulled out of group and meet with PDoc. She asks me if I think I need that level of care and I say yes. She says she feels I don't need 15 min bed checks, supervised smoking, etc. and that I can go home that day if I want. My husband was there for a visit and they hustled me out in an hour. They basically told me I could come back but I was better off going to my hospital's psych unit.

They just wanted me out. I feel like I need to be there. Although it was unpleasant and they misdiagnosed me - I was getting a lot out of medical care and groups in the short time I was there.

I had just accepted my diagnosis of bipolar and now I feel like I made it up or over exaggerated the hell I've been in for 18 months and all the dots we've connected over the last 30 years of being misdiagnosed. I'm seriously depressed, can't stop crying and just don't know what to do. Maybe there is nothing seriously wrong with me and I'm just a drama queen? Can't stop racing thoughts about it. My PDoc is more concerned with regression than their stupid labels.

They want me to back to IOP which is 30 hours over 3 weeks. Already did that program and didn't get anything out of it. Got more out of 1 1/2 days inpatient. Suggested Horsham's IOP (hospital I was at) which is 60 hours over 2 weeks.

If anyone's made it this long - thanks for reading!

[gloamingone]

OMG, how awful! I don't have any advice really, but I wanted you to know I read your story. I really feel for you. :-(

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[LostMommy227]

That's crazy that thats what happens when you legitimately try to get help. I wish I had some wise words, but maybe there's another place you can go

[Victoria'smom]

Are you still there?

[WorkhorseDVM]

Wow ;(

[~Christina]

Unfortunatly that happens alot ( dropping meds) when one goes IP. Many times the IP pdoc wants to see what happens when your off meds for a day or so.

As far as your diagnosis is concerned don't sweat it your Pdoc and T know the real "you" and what diagnosis fits. I have been IP and given really stupid "labels" I dont care they fall off once I see my Pdoc.

IP is for stabilization and being in a safe place. Is there options for group therapy in your area ?

I'm really sorry this happened to you, I have had a few lousy IP stays but also some very good ones.

Just try to focus on you and your needs right now

[BipolaRNurse]

I am SO sorry to hear your IP experience was awful. Mine was so positive, and I encouraged you to go in so you could get some much needed help on the basis that you'd be treated right. I'm sorry it didn't work out that way and I hope you'll try another hospital, because you still sound pretty shaky and need help that's more extensive than what outpatient can offer. Wishing you a better time on the next try, MagicsMom.

[Pikku Myy]

Hugs I am kind of over labels as long as I am feeling better and the treatment fits. Sorry this happened to you.

[MagicsMom]

Thanks everyone! You've all been so supportive of me going in and I think it would have been a great program if they hadn't hustled me out of there when my husband raised he**. I got a lot out of the first day and a half. I didn't even mind the 15 min checks and other precautions and could have gotten over the labels. I think it would have really stabilized me and got me going in the right direction.

MM: no I'm no longer there as they basically pushed me out the door and told me I didn't need that level of care.

They recommended their IOP which is 6 hours a day, 5 days a week for 2 weeks. I'm going to see the head of my old IOP, their program is 2 2/1/2 hours a day, 4 days a week for 3 weeks. But I feel like I've already done that. The 5 day a week program would at least be better but with my agoraphobia I know I won't make it. At least at the other program I can see my therapist 2 days a week.

BipolaRNurse: I feel very shaky and there is only one other program in the area but it doesn't seem to have a good reputation. The place I was at does but they kind of made it clear I'm not welcome back. I liked having a team of people helping me - PDoc, social worker, nurse, therapist. Don't feel bad! You were right to encourage me! It would have been very good for me!

Oh well - I'll just have to suck it up. I just feel like I should have sucked it up but I didn't want it messing with my disability or my health.

Thankfully I have you guys.

I appreciate all the support and for reading my novel! Hugs to you all!!!

[kmptrgeek]

When I went inpatient I had never been on any prescribed meds stronger than valium. I was put on Seroquel, Zyprexa, Klonopin, Wellbutrin and about 3 other meds and finally had a manic episode and ended up having an affair with one of the patients I met inside after I got out. Yeah...I don't like being inpatient.

Sounds exactly like what happens to many of my Borderline PD friends and clients. I dont think it is all that terrible, its the correct course of action for those not a real danger to themselves or others. Free up the beds for those that really need it. Use your therapy skills and work on it yourself. Hospital is for those who cant, not those who wont.

[Jon_1000]

Sigh...we're so misunderstood.

[Jon_1000]

Originally Posted by Supanova

Sounds exactly like what happens to many of my Borderline PD friends and clients. I don't think it is all that terrible, its the correct course of action for those not a real danger to themselves or others. Free up the beds for those that really need it. Use your therapy skills and work on it yourself. Hospital is for those who cant, not those who wont.

Wow. That was harsh.

[Imah]

You have been through an EXTREME emotional situation. YES, you are allowed to be REELING emotionally from it. That DOES NOT MEAN you need to place yourself in someone else's hands at this moment. If you go into the care of another facility or person soon, they cannot guarentee to response with what you need right now.

BREATH.

again.

= = = again.

OK, now who knows you best? Thats right, you do. Next is your husband, with your pdoc after that. Now, you can trust yourself. I know that sounds like a completly crazy statement. But you really can. Your a good person right? You attempt to be fair to your husband in your house, you work within the system trying to get your meds right. Your not mean to people when you do have to interact with them? Thats right, your doing okay.

Now, lets just set aside what people at that previous facility did or didn't do. Frankly, they really don't care about you or your situation - so what they think or wrote doesn't matter. Your pdoc will help your paperwork get straightened out.

For a little while, just getting back into the routine you have had at home will help. Ease back into that familiar situation. Try to remember to do little things for yourself and your husband around the house that makes it the haven you desire.

In the future, perhaps you can go to another facility that will be prepared ahead of time for you to come in. A better facility. A different one then a busy hospital.

For now, have you yet told yourself how FABULOUS you are to have made it through all of that? OH MY GOSH, you drove alone! You checked in. You dealt with all kinds of irregularities, and better or worse, got through them! That in itself is great steps, great progress!

Our bi-polar can become managable for some. But it is never going to be cured. Self acceptance and toleration are necessary keys for us to give ourself worth and respect. We each need that.

Your pdoc is convinced you need something specific. They may or may not be right. They to are just using their best guesses based on what we tell them. Always give full information to your support staff. Tell them everything, but remember the final trust must be placed in ourselves. If we know something is or is not right for us, be it medication or treatment, we must listen to ourselves and follow what we know is right before anyone else. Give yourself to no one. But trust those close to you who care - not who want to control, or manipulate - but those who accept and care. There are times when we must listen to someone else.

Perhaps this opportunity you have to re-evaluate yourself will help you to conclude that maybe you weren't as bad off as you seemed. You over came a lot. You are a good person. That situation clearly was wrong for what you need. You can hear yourself in deciding what you need.

Congratulations. You did great!

edit: basically I am talking to myself in this, you and I are so similar. I was agoraphobic. I went to a good place for 9 days. It didn't help as much as just time has. Although they did cover a lot of paperwork in groups that can aid. I threw it away after a few months of not looking at it. But, for awhile the ideas they put in my head were good. And it was nice to know that kind of place was there. I had an Ahrms worker for over 2 years. That was a great thing for getting me used to being out of the house. Have you looked into those? Insurance paid for it. I saw her once a week for 2 hours. We would go shopping and stuff together. She was fabulous. But after 5 years of talk therapy, and over 2 years of arhms, I was exhausted with judging myself. I said I had to take a break from talk therapy, and got rid of both of them. At least until I need them again. This for me is a time to step back and re-evaluate how far I have come, and where I want to get to. Now I just have my psychiatrist. I am relaxing more with not over-analysing every little thing I say. and last week when I went to the store, I had a moment of feeling like it was years ago when I liked myself. I felt relaxed, and normal. Not normal as in, no one knows I am nuts! Normal as in me, when I liked myself. Normal.

Never forget that meds can cause us to have more problems, mine meds have changed about 6 times over the past 6 years, until now finally I am on stuff that works for me. To be honest, when I started the Trilafon, and it lessened my delusions within the first week I was shocked. For years I had been trying to control my thoughts by learning more about myself via talk therapy. I was a little angry. Although the years with my counselor were needed, and taught me much. I think everyone with bi-polar should have some professional to help them through all the extra stuff we have to learn.

I got a bit sidetracked, but I hope what I said helped. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. <3

Best of luck to us all.

[MotherMarcus]

Magic, I'm afraid I don't have any advice to give. I just want to offer moral support.

[MagicsMom]

Supernova - I DO NOT have BPD as confirmed by the head of the IOP I met with yesterday I'm going back into and my psychiatrist. I have Bipolar II, GAD and Agoraphobia. It's not that I won't, it's that I CAN'T. Is Sui ideation not harmful and dangerous? It was one of the main reasons I was admitted along with gaining skills to deal with my bipolar and other issues. Do you have any idea what it took for me to leave the safety of my house, go to an unknown place and try to get the help I need as recommended by multiple professionals? It was an act of God! This whole situation set off a mixed, rapid cycling cycle that I certainly did not need. I needed that bed and deserved it. Your message was harsh. Please don't reply anymore to this thread as I found your reply extremely upsetting.

Imah you described my situation perfectly. I had no idea about a Ahrms. I will look into it. Your response was so touching and helped me feel so much better about myself. It made me feel PROUD of what I accomplished and realize how huge it was. Your suggestions are excellent! I can't thank you enough. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Justugh]

ma'am

i am partly like u i dislike leave my house every time i do something seems to happen to get me in trouble because i do not think like the rest

i travel to 2 spots buddy's camp site behide his house (safe there he owns it and likes me) and my older brother's house (he loves me so does his wife kid and dogs safe there)

other then that i do not go out the longest i have gone not leaving the house was 3 years (ppl came to me and brought me what i needed )

ok this is how i deal with it hope it helps u
your jacket it is like a child safety blanket ( it makes them feel safe) find a jacket u like with a lot of pockets and load the pockets up with things u might need

when ever u are out of the house u wear the jacket .......u do not take the jacket off anywhere unless u feel safe and comfortable ......in the pockets u have every possible thing u could need cash to get home phone to make a call hidden handcuff key .......what ever u need

the other part of my trick is i get angry....not raging mad ........just boiling point no going to take it mad ....this is what drives me to go out get what i need done and come back home

that is what gets me out of bed in the morning the fight back ......otherwise the only other choice is to curl up and die and doing that the jackasses win

[Imah]

Originally Posted by MagicsMom

Supernova - I DO NOT have BPD as confirmed by the head of the IOP I met with yesterday I'm going back into and my psychiatrist. I have Bipolar II, GAD and Agoraphobia. It's not that I won't, it's that I CAN'T. Is Sui ideation not harmful and dangerous? It was one of the main reasons I was admitted along with gaining skills to deal with my bipolar and other issues. Do you have any idea what it took for me to leave the safety of my house, go to an unknown place and try to get the help I need as recommended by multiple professionals? It was an act of God! This whole situation set off a mixed, rapid cycling cycle that I certainly did not need. I needed that bed and deserved it. Your message was harsh. Please don't reply anymore to this thread as I found your reply extremely upsetting.

Imah you described my situation perfectly. I had no idea about a Ahrms. I will look into it. Your response was so touching and helped me feel so much better about myself. It made me feel PROUD of what I accomplished and realize how huge it was. Your suggestions are excellent! I can't thank you enough. Thanks for sharing your story.

I am touched that you felt the kinship I was trying to portray. You truly deserve congratulations, and tell your hubby - a special party for the huge mountain you climbed ON YOUR OWN! I am very proud of you.