How's my family here at pc? Myself, I went to a 6 hour family Christmas get together today. I stepped out on three different occasions to keep anyone from seeing me spiraling, rapid cycling, or whatever term you prefer to call it. Until now, that hsd only happened at places of employment, but never around family. I watched my cousins as they had their children to tend to, and I just missed so much when we were all young and played together with our innocent minds. Now their lives are filled with love, and I am filled with so much emptiness, because I ignored my mental health and my desire to have a life, just so I could try to be stable and keep menial, low paying jobs because hey, it was better than no income.

As I see that I am in the midst of fighting some dark demons that have entered the back of my mind, I would like to take this opportunity to say Merry Christmas to everyone who reads this.

As I started my treatment a little over a year ago, I had a good outlook and hoped for a quick turnaround. I still do. After today, I still have a positive outlook, but not for it being quick. I had to hide from 3 crying spells. I am a man. I was raised to not cry, and certainly to not cry around other people. I know my brothers, aunt, and one cousin saw me crying as I stood in my long deceased and unoccupied grandparents house. I still miss them so much.

Life just ain't worth living anymore for me, and it has been this way for a very long time.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Things can turn around. They did for me and I had given up on ever feeling better again.

PS: I still miss my grandparents and parents, especially, here at Christmas.

of course we care.

glad you took the time to check in with us

[gloamingone]

Sending you big cyber hugs. Sounds like a rough day. :-(

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[wing]

I care, too.

What I think would help is a med adjustment. You have been living with bipolar for a relatively short time, and sometimes it is difficult to find the right combination. You sound terribly depressed, and I think your psychiatrist should know that.

Keep reading posts here and other forums. You are not alone in any of the things you mentioned.

[Victoria'smom]

I care I was woried. There's still time to have your own family but I suggest freezing your little guys. People are starting there first families around mid-30's and there second families mid 40's.most of my family and fiends waited and there mid 30's to start a family. Plus there's a bunch of step families where the kids are as much yours as blood. Stop beating your self up about the past.I know a guy in his late 50 with a 6 & 4 years old. Work on getting stable then meet people. I know you like reading have you tried book clubs or writing clubs?

Originally Posted by Lunatic Fringe

How's my family here at pc? Myself, I went to a 6 hour family Christmas get together today. I stepped out on three different occasions to keep anyone from seeing me spiraling, rapid cycling, or whatever term you prefer to call it. Until now, that hsd only happened at places of employment, but never around family. I watched my cousins as they had their children to tend to, and I just missed so much when we were all young and played together with our innocent minds. Now their lives are filled with love, and I am filled with so much emptiness, because I ignored my mental health and my desire to have a life, just so I could try to be stable and keep menial, low paying jobs because hey, it was better than no income.

As I see that I am in the midst of fighting some dark demons that have entered the back of my mind, I would like to take this opportunity to say Merry Christmas to everyone who reads this.

As I started my treatment a little over a year ago, I had a good outlook and hoped for a quick turnaround. I still do. After today, I still have a positive outlook, but not for it being quick. I had to hide from 3 crying spells. I am a man. I was raised to not cry, and certainly to not cry around other people. I know my brothers, aunt, and one cousin saw me crying as I stood in my long deceased and unoccupied grandparents house. I still miss them so much.

Life just ain't worth living anymore for me, and it has been this way for a very long time.

I'm sorry ur struggling so much. Hang in there and I suggest looking into a med adjustment.

Ps. Love that song.

Christmas is a tough time. 6 hours is a good effort! And I have to say, you are doing well keeping employed with a mental illness, who cares if it is low wage - as you said it is better than no income and it keeps you busy. I think you have done very well to cope this year and need to take some time to see what you do right. Unfortunately treatment is rarely fast, but hang in there - it does get better.

I ruminate about family events too, I usually cant stay more than 3 hours or so. Yesterday at my dads birthday I had to leave before the cake, I felt so guilty and feel like a terrible daughter but I had to get out of there before my mood dropped. As it was I spent the rest of the day ruminating about what I said at the party and beating myself up for not staying longer although the rumination would have been worse had I stayed any longer. I am ok today (thanks coping skills) but I get a niggle of guilt that tries to drag me down about every half an hour.

[Turtlesoup]

Sorry you are feeling this way-I understand how you feel about your grandparents mine passed away 2003 & 2005 & I still cry at times but it's not as intense as it once was. Please remember you are not alone & the fact that you are working & went to your family gathering shows your strength-I have missed many get-togethers due to my issues. Take care & keep posting here & let your pdoc/tdoc know how you are feeling

[prepsychmel]

I am sorry you are having a hard time...but Merry Christmas to you, too.

[~Christina]

The holidays are often just a really tough tough time. I am not a fan myself .

Just take it minute by minute if you need to..

Ps: Its okay to be a Man and cry.. One of the many thing kids are "taught" that really should not have happened .

[Alone & confused]

I care too! And I've had two close family deaths in the past month so I'm having a hard time getting into the whole "family Christmas spirit" too. But I'm trying. I'll probably have to do as you did and slip off to myself a few times. We are doing ours tomorrow. (Yay! ) I just found out today! Anyway, enough about my b.s. If you ever feel you want to talk to someone I'm here for you! You can PM me anytime if you want. Merry Christmas!

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

I care too! And I've had two close family deaths in the past month so I'm having a hard time getting into the whole "family Christmas spirit" too. But I'm trying. I'll probably have to do as you did and slip off to myself a few times. We are doing ours tomorrow. (Yay! ) I just found out today! Anyway, enough about my b.s. If you ever feel you want to talk to someone I'm here for you! You can PM me anytime if you want. Merry Christmas!

You may certainly pm me as well if you need to. I know how death at this time of the year is. I've got first hand knowledge of not being able to focus on the holidays when the focus is on the passing of a loved one. I'm hoping the best for you as you grieve. I hope you have the Merriest Christmas as possible.