i am tired

i am tired of this damn disorder! i am tired of having to take so many medications everyday and still have moodswings. i am tired of not knowing how i am gonna wake up in the morning and whether or not my mood will change that evening. i am tired of being irritable. i am tired of people who do not understand what i am going through and continously judge my behavior. why can't they let me be? i k now that they love me. but why do i have to go out when they go out. and why do they use my kids as an excuse, always telling me to snap out of it and take my kids to the park. SNAP OUT! i am barely getting by, trying to work, be a good wife and mother to my kids, yet i am not good enough when i am in the pits of depression that i don't ask to be in. do not they not think that i want to enjoy regular outtings? then when i am "extremely" happy (manic) then i am too much too handle. well then i guess i have a very big problem them since i don't exactly have "normal" days all that often, i try very hard even when i am at my whits end i try to blend in and make sacrifices to make others happy but i cannot do it all the time. sometimes i feel like a failure because i turn my own children away from me and it pains me to do that. i don't want to do that. i don't want to be irritable towards them. i try to stop it but i can't help it at times. then i feel so guilty that all i can do is cry and hope for a better day. i am sorry that i am rambling. but i am FED UP with everything. i am beginning to think that maybe i should get off the meds, i think i was better off without them. oh i don't know, i'm just venting.

((((((((agony))))))) I'm sorry. I don't know what to say but I just wanted you to know that I hear your frustration, hurt and anger. It's going to be okay. Things may not change around you but you'll learn to change from the inside on how to handle it and cope with it all better.
Eventually-it does happen. Hopefully sooner than not.
It's okay to vent and cry until then-we're here to listen.

Hi agony007!

Oh, I hear you.....somedays I feel exactly the same.

Wondering when my mood will settle. Wondering if/when I can move forward or see a change in the wind. And yes, feeling guilt, anger, confusion.

In Oct 06 I fell into a severe depression. At Christmas I was dx as Bipolar II. I know how you feel, truly. I just couldnt get a grip on anything...and no-one understood what I was going through on a daily basis. Each morning opening my eyes and knowing right away where my mood was...oh God here we go again.

Following the last depression, I was left with cognitive impairments. This frustates & angers me because these skills were my strongest & I cannot access them unless I am stable. I feel like a helpless child: I have had to learn to ask for help or say "would you repeat that, I don't understand"........

Do you go for walks? This has been my salvation for 30 years. If Im feeling tense, frustrated, angry etc. I put on my headphones & head out. I walk & walk until I feel better (there have been some marathons for sure LOL)

Just removing myself from the situation for a while & walking clear my head..I embrace nature-hear the birds,,and before I know it I feel better (for a while anyway LOL)

Agony007 Please take care of your needs & yourself first, without guilt.

Stay in touch, I am here to listen and help if I can!

agony007 it took me a few years to find the right meds and become stabalized. And sometimes even now they need to be tweaked a bit when my moods are starting to get out of hand. Maybe you can work with your pdoc to try and stabalize you more? I know I wreaked havoc on my family life before I was diagnosed and now wish I had found the help I needed earler.

It sounds like you are trying the best you can and there is no "snapping out of it". They just don't understand as they have never lived through it. I am sorry that it is so hard on you.

The only thing I can suggest is to keep working on your meds. There were many times I wanted to give up and stop taking anything but that would not have been a good option. I understand where you are at and I am sorry you are there right now. Please take care and don't give up.

Hello 007.
I am very sorry that you are feeling this way. i sincerely hope that the Dr can find something to help you soon. Take care 007. Soidhonia