Bipolar has taken everything.

It was suggested I write on here. Still not sure what the point is, what do people get from doing this? Seems like a pathetic whine from me of everything that has been said before and that has already been penned over the years in medical notes. But here I am putting words together. Entirely familiar words I am tired of.

One thing I can say categorically is that Bipolar has ruined my life over and over again. I do not know how to live with this affliction. I can not make peace with it, I can find no common ground with it. The best I can do is accept it looming there. The Medications have been exhausted, at best they slightly soften it, but mostly it is pointless. My psychiatrist has turned round after a decade and said I am treatment resistance and that we should focus on quality of life concerns. Seems I am fated to end up like my mother.

The holy grail of lasting stability eludes me, the medications I have been on have at times taken the edge off a while and I have built a life for myself in those times. Pursued my goals and tried to make up for all that lost time in a depressive states. But the precursor to ruin is always on the horizon.

I am not sure if I am in hell sometimes, as this seems to occur at the worst possible time. When I am at the height of a loving relationship, or striving for my degree. When I am surrounded by a circle of close friends. Or have finally found some direction in my life.

Then the depression returns, with it my bitterness and frustration resurface. All I have worked hard at is left in tatters. As it all just slides away, I get behind. I become unpleasant to be around I start to feel I am toxic to others and ruminate on this next assortment of failures. I sabotage those around me who care driving them away. I am aware I am doing it and inwardly am screaming at myself to stop, what the hell are you doing? But its like having a war with myself I both try to cling onto what I have and destroy it at the same time. I ask for help, but also reject that help as I wrestle with my inner dialogue. Being bored out my skull in a psych unit has certainly lost its appeal at this stage.

Mania is no better, I dread to think the amount of money I have cost my father after one crisis or another. I owe him a lot.

At some point it feels like the Bipolar has now won. I live in supported housing now, I don’t work, my father lives in chronic fear of the next crisis. I just received a care grant and will be interviewing care assistants throughout January. In a way it feels surreal to be at this point. I also feel despondent about it.

I still don’t know what I am doing or why I am even writing this? In the end what good is any of it? Nothing is resolved, just seems like it comes down to raw survival. As well as constantly trying to mitigate the damage and soften the pain.

I love that your a Carlin fan too!

Hmmm... Have you done out of town inpatient?

Hi EventHorizon,

What you wrote really resonates with me. I too feel like having Bipolar has wrecked my life. I've destroyed and rebuilt my life so many times I can't even keep track. Right now I'm in a rebuilding stage and it's exhausting and I sometimes wonder what's the point if five, ten years from now I've just destroyed everything again? But I'm going to give it my best shot anyway, out of spite as much as anything else, and I hope you will too.

As for the point of posting here for me it's just to share my story, learn from others and receive some support and who knows maybe even make a friend or two. But that's just me--what would you like the point of posting here to be? What would be the best outcome for you?

Anyway, I'm glad you're here, and I really appreciate your honesty in sharing your story. I hope you stick around.

Imah - George Carlin is the best. His social commentary was fascinating, a good laugh helps as well.

Moogieotter - I don’t get a choice where I go, I just end up at my local NHS psych unit. Private options are not a possibility due to the ridiculous expense. Insurance is a joke, answer the one question, “Do you have mental health issues?” Then get lumped in as high risk and refused.

Astridlovelight - I am sorry you understand. I used to rebuild with ferocity, but I have lost so much and made so many messes, been fired too many times. I just feel I can’t find that desire to risk it all again and the pain that comes with it. I am not sure what is the worse option the dull ache of a half life, or the sharp pain of everything being a ruined mess yet again.

I mostly just spend my time reading what others write here, but sometimes it feels a bit much. Because it is like so much similarity. Same frustrations, makes me think mental health is just not considered a high priority any where. It also seems like a science in its infancy, prone to many mistakes, medication has felt more like gambling and hoping to score big on ‘stability’ but instead end up landing on vomiting for 20 odd hours. I flat out asked my psychiatrist why there is no brain scan, so I can whip it out when ever someone accuses me of being lazy.

I don’t know what I want from posting here. I guess I am on a misguided hunt for relief or finding others that have come to grim acceptance and how they have come to cope, beyond just surviving one day at a time.

Thank you for responding, I wish you long lasting stability.

NHS is bad? Not familiar w UK systems. You have a pdoc for free?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can definitely relate. The other night, I just had a complete meltdown about bipolar and how....hard...things are. Just complete sadness and anger at the same time. So, I feel ya. I do.

I'm sorry your just beaten and battered from Bipolar... I've been around here for a long time now and honestly almost every person that finds PC is in a terrible state of mind and many are just resigned to accepting a horrible life. It's a terrible emotional place to be. I found PC feeling the same.

Will posting here help you ? Maybe yes Maybe no.. For me? I was relieved to know I wasn't alone in dealing with Bipolar, I have learned many ways to help live life while managing my unique Bipolar soup. I have made life long friends here that just "get it" I can be "me" here . The good the bad and the ugly. There's no judging.

Some people find that being on a support forum is triggering them and just making things worse, I hope that doesn't happen to you, I hope that your able to find support here.

Welcome to PC

Sounds a lot like my life story Hope you find balance.... still trying here. Hugs

I feel exactly the same as you...your words are exactly what goes on in my mind and body. I've been dealing with this my whole life, rebuilding then it hits me again and my life falls apart. I can't seem to find the strength either this time around. My father is supporting me right now and I feel so guilty because I know he wants to retire. I had a job that I liked, but the mania hit and then the darkest depression I've ever felt in my life this past April. Meds helped to an extent, but I can't seem to get to the point where I can handle normal everyday life. Hard to even go to the grocery store or visit a friend.
I hope the best for both of us. I feel your pain. It is nice to know I'm not alone, but I wish for you to find some peace.

Moogieotter - The NHS did not used to be this bad, but it is now chronically underfunded and being set up to fail. For the most part now it just warehouses the mentally ill, offers them drugs and then kicks them out as soon as possible to apparent ‘care in the community.’ Dubbed by every service user I know of as ‘no care in the community.’ I have a ‘free’ Pdoc, but she is not really free as everyone here is forced to pay national insurance. You also do not get any choice, so I can’t choose a hospital or doctor. So I am pretty stuck in that regard.

Preppsychmel - I am sorry to hear that, I certainly have those moments as well. I couldn't tell you what keeps me going really besides habit and a hope that science will advance enough that something stabilizes this. In the mean time I just survive as best I can. If I think of it all as a whole it is just paralyzing. Instead I guess I live for the moments in between that are not so bad. The small things do matter.

Christina - My friend was right about here, it is a supportive encouraging place. I am not relieved when I find others who understand what this is like. Because it often means sharing the exact same stories. Of coping and surviving. The restless part of me wants more than that. I did make a friend in the chat room, we had a very interesting conversation. I hope it is one of many. So what helps you manage your Bipolar soup?

Summer - I am sorry you understand so keenly. It is a hard position to be in. But then so is being hit by an articulated lorry, having your spine shattered in fifteen places and ending up in chronic pain for the remainder of a formerly fulfilling life. The world quite obviously is not fair that much is true. Sometimes no choice is involved, you and I are the way we are, no fairness and nothing beyond accepting our limits as they now tend to be. It is getting to grim acceptance though and even upon acceptance, then what? That is the question I am wrestling with. What can I do now if my only consistency is my inconsistency? I think my Pdoc may be right, time to focus on quality of life over wellness. I have yet to figure out what that actually means in a practical sense yet. How about you, given any considerations to what you can do to improve quality of life, when running head first against various limits?