[WorkhorseDVM]

Realize now I have been bipolar since teenager. Also realize my dad was too. Still made as hell at him even though I understand better now. Being treated with Lexapro and Seroquel. Not quite ready to give up my highs but those black holes can go. Do not want to lose my job. Kinda freaked out. Seroquel knocks me out. VERY hard to get moving. I think I am in mixed mode right now so once I get moving I MOVE, but at the same time do not really care about anything including eating. Guess I do not get to keep the highs? Can they be controlled, keep the good parts? The highs have helped me get and keep jobs, til I lose my temper ... Rambling now aren't I? Oh, in my 50s now, diagnosed after 2nd huge major depression (black hole) been going into for ~1yr. Tried to hide it, self med it. PCMD started 5mg Lexapro, saw psychiatrist increased to 10mg added trazadone and I was manic in 48 hours. Stopped trazadone added Seroquel. This all since 19Aug. So now what happens? I am still all over the place. Seems like the meds changed me very quickly, is that to be expected? I think I feel better on Seroquel, not sure I like how I feel? How do I handle telling anyone? Especially work? Have a major issue there not related but fully expect this would be used against me. Thank you!

[WorkhorseDVM]

Forgot to add I am a gay woman just married my partner of over 20 years. She lost her brother to bipolar depression. I really do not want to add to her pain.

[~Christina]

Even if your on medication you will probably still have break through episodes it happens to most people sadly enough .. Meds can help limit them hopefully .

Its often hard to find the right "cocktail" that you can live with .. Psych meds can have some very difficult side effects . So its beneficial to have a pdoc that will work with you to find the best treatment plan for you.

You will need to learn coping skills to help manage your emotions. Do you have a T (therapist) ? They can be extremely help full when faced with Bipolar and learning to manage the ups and downs

I would never never disclose Bipolar to your employer..Why? Well most people seem to get fired a few months down the road for some lame excuse.. And the ADA,? thats a joke getting help from them.

Congrads on your marriage

Welcome to PC .. You will find lots of support and info here

[Victoria'smom]

First I suggest getting a therapist. I'm very sensitive to medication so it only takes me around 3 days if I'm going to become manic. Each of us have our own way of telling others about are illness in our own way. I just take my meds wherever and if asked why I take meds I tell them I'm BP .

You've had BP for awhile. It doesn't change anything.

[loophole]

Medicine is a bandaid therapy is the healer.. it will never be a perfect thing this bipolar ride.. but you can certainly make it more comfortable with a good therapist and the right meds.. unfortunately the right med combo on average takes 2 to 5 years and that's not an exact science by any means.. you may be lucky.. it may take 10 years... that's why a good therapist is extremely vital.. you can start working on yourself regardless of the meds... wish you the best... also it sounds kinda selfish.. but working on yourself is the best way to help others around you... I'm in php right now and that's one thing I grasp more.. you can't change others only they can.. and only you can change yourself... pretty obvious but remembering that has gone a long way to how I handle things in my life. Gl

[WorkhorseDVM]

Thank you all! Yes, the side effects bite. Break thru episodes, more highs than lows I hope? Pdoc = psychiatrist? What is php? Sounds like a T is the thing I need to do next. I just told my spouse I needed to ask about that next pdoc appointment. I likely have anxiety PTSD OCD happening too. In some ways I am glad to have Dx as it sure does explain a lot for me and about me. I like fight or flight, prefer flight. Part of what is hard right now is I have not been released to drive post shoulder surgery which makes me very fidgety at home and work. Less so with the Seroquel but still when it is close to next dose I get twitchy. Guess this is part of finding my cocktail?

[~Christina]

There is a lot of things can help you cope with BP while your waiting for meds to help
. Therapy is a must in my opinion.

Learn as many coping skills as possible. Meditation, Mindfulness,Yoga, Healthy Diet , Good sleep hygiene, journaling, Exercise. breathing exercises... The list goes on and on... Learn which ones work and your able to actually use it when needed ... I always say keep flinging coping skills until something sticks. BP needs to be attacked from all sides.

Just remember you have had BP looooong before you got diagnosed so dont freak out nothing has changed accept you now have a diagnosis/ Label ...

[WorkhorseDVM]

Thank you! I like that flinging til something sticks! I think that might describes how I got and stayed clean and sober ODAT since April1988. I am a researcher so reading a lot now. Like idea of journaling too. Flinging is good since I am jumping from idea to idea right now. I think I will go fling some coping skills, breathing, etc. now.

[WorkhorseDVM]

Hi

So I had 2nd visit with pdoc. I am now taking Lexapro, Topamax, and Seroquel. Stop the Seroquel Friday and switch to Abilify on Saturday. Discussed therapist with pdoc and she said when I was stabilized a bit more, maybe next month, she had some recommendations for me. Said my brain was not ready / receptive for therapy quite yet.

[WorkhorseDVM]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

... Just remember you have had BP looooong before you got diagnosed so dont freak out nothing has changed accept you now have a diagnosis/ Label ...

I am kinda struggling. I am currently being treated with Topamax, Lexapro, trazadone, and Abilify. I am not so much struggling with being bipolar but with what parts are me? Really me? I like what I guess are the hypomanic parts, they get and keep me employed. Really hate the black hole parts, want nothing of them. My mom says "don't act like yourself" WTF!? THAT does NOT help! I know she means don't lose my temper and shoot off my mouth but that was NOT the phrase to use when I am not sure who myself is! Lots of bad politics at work (long story) and trying to get stablized at the same time I have a lot of anxiety. I have been reading, learning a lot.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Even if your on medication you will probably still have break through episodes it happens to most people sadly enough .. Meds can help limit them hopefully .

Its often hard to find the right "cocktail" that you can live with .. Psych meds can have some very difficult side effects . So its beneficial to have a pdoc that will work with you to find the best treatment plan for you.

You will need to learn coping skills to help manage your emotions. Do you have a T (therapist) ? They can be extremely help full when faced with Bipolar and learning to manage the ups and downs

I would never never disclose Bipolar to your employer..Why? Well most people seem to get fired a few months down the road for some lame excuse.. And the ADA,? thats a joke getting help from them.

Congrads on your marriage

Welcome to PC .. You will find lots of support and info here

Totally agree on the part of not disclosing to work. I did a year ago. And guess what. I have no job now. Got burnt the hard way. No way would I ever disclose again!!

[surfacetoair]

You can request FMLA leave without having to reveal what the illness. A doctor will have to confirm that there is an issue that warrents it. FMLA can also be taken intermittently. The problem is that if you are management, you can be denied if they can demonstrate that your absence would cause undue hardship. It's a little tricky, but generally most employers won't be impacted over a 2 week stretch. The ADA is rather vague but has more bite then most people realize. An excellent resource to navigating both the aada and fmla can be found on the American Diabetes Association website. It simplifies it and provides good examples of what your and your employers obligations are. If you think it's jeopardizing your job, then you need to document any instances that make you feel that. A recommended practice is to send an email to yourself detailing the situation as soon as possible. This establishes dates and times and will support your allegations should it come to that. This shouldn't be construed as legal advice but I do have a little experience in the matter. Hotel executive who has on occasion also doubled as HR. Otherwise, feel better. And I have had some antidepressants trigger mania in a very short time. I was hospitized within 7 days of starting effexor. Full blown psychotic manic episode.

[fishrobber]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I would never never disclose Bipolar to your employer..Why? Well most people seem to get fired a few months down the road for some lame excuse.. And the ADA,? thats a joke getting help from them.

I completely agree with Christina on this .. They may talk about non-discrimination under the ADA, but I don't want to test those waters. As long as you are performing your job, they have no need to know.

[WorkhorseDVM]

Originally Posted by surfacetoair

You can request FMLA leave without having to reveal what the illness. A doctor will have to confirm that there is an issue that warrents it. FMLA can also be taken intermittently. The problem is that if you are management, you can be denied if they can demonstrate that your absence would cause undue hardship. It's a little tricky, but generally most employers won't be impacted over a 2 week stretch. The ADA is rather vague but has more bite then most people realize. An excellent resource to navigating both the aada and fmla can be found on the American Diabetes Association website. It simplifies it and provides good examples of what your and your employers obligations are. If you think it's jeopardizing your job, then you need to document any instances that make you feel that. A recommended practice is to send an email to yourself detailing the situation as soon as possible. This establishes dates and times and will support your allegations should it come to that. This shouldn't be construed as legal advice but I do have a little experience in the matter. Hotel executive who has on occasion also doubled as HR. Otherwise, feel better. And I have had some antidepressants trigger mania in a very short time. I was hospitized within 7 days of starting effexor. Full blown psychotic manic episode.

Long story, but no way I can take FMLA at all for this. I am middle mgt I guess. I am on intermittent FMLA for post op PT. Also got someone truly evil implying I am mentally ill to get me fired so will not be going there.

On a different note I think the trazadone triggers mania in short order for me. I work in what has become not just a hostile environment but a toxic one due to a lying backstabbing woman. So I admit I am kinda of happy to be a bit manic as I am really blowing her away and getting a lot done. But I am not getting balanced out that way am I? Plan to call pdoc in the am and let her know this.

Thank you all y'all for your insight!

[Tawnya20]

Originally Posted by WorkhorseDVM

Long story, but no way I can take FMLA at all for this. I am middle mgt I guess. I am on intermittent FMLA for post op PT. Also got someone truly evil implying I am mentally ill to get me fired so will not be going there.

On a different note I think the trazadone triggers mania in short order for me. I work in what has become not just a hostile environment but a toxic one due to a lying backstabbing woman. So I admit I am kinda of happy to be a bit manic as I am really blowing her away and getting a lot done. But I am not getting balanced out that way am I? Plan to call pdoc in the am and let her know this.

Thank you all y'all for your insight!

I give you so much credit for staying at your job, but as I was reading I thought "there's no way I could work in that hostile/toxic environment with my bipolar." I haven't been able to hold a job, even in a good environment. It's good sometimes to search out a workplace that is more positive. I wish you all the best!

[Blitter2014]

Hi Workhorse.Well done for managing the way you do, and for recognizing what the situation is doing to you!

Having said that you cant put a price on your mental health, so change what you can to preserve it. That may mean walking around with your eyes open so to speak looking for other work, or if possible orchestrating it so that it come to a head where you work. Either way your mental health is paramount so look after number one, everything else is optional.

Hugs

[WorkhorseDVM]

Originally Posted by Tawnya20

I give you so much credit for staying at your job, but as I was reading I thought "there's no way I could work in that hostile/toxic environment with my bipolar." I haven't been able to hold a job, even in a good environment. It's good sometimes to search out a workplace that is more positive. I wish you all the best!

Oh believe me I am sooooo looking to get outta there!!!!!!! ASAP

I already have a line on a more positive environment and could work from home.

Thank you!

[WorkhorseDVM]

Originally Posted by Blitter2014

Hi Workhorse.Well done for managing the way you do, and for recognizing what the situation is doing to you!

Having said that you cant put a price on your mental health, so change what you can to preserve it. That may mean walking around with your eyes open so to speak looking for other work, or if possible orchestrating it so that it come to a head where you work. Either way your mental health is paramount so look after number one, everything else is optional.

Hugs

I am "working" on finding something else. Cannot afford any other option literally financially or because even though it is large the industry I work in is small if you understand. My spouse and my best friend are keeping an eye on ME too. My best friend is the ONLY one at work that knows I am bipolar and is helping my spouse to keep an eye out for me getting too far too either high or low, especially since they both know how very much I like the high. I have been clean and sober since 06Apr1988, besides alcohol, my drugs of choice were anything that sped me up, still like that feeling clearly.

Thank you!!!!!!!

[WorkhorseDVM]

Originally Posted by Blitter2014

Hi Workhorse.Well done for managing the way you do, and for recognizing what the situation is doing to you!

Having said that you cant put a price on your mental health, so change what you can to preserve it. That may mean walking around with your eyes open so to speak looking for other work, or if possible orchestrating it so that it come to a head where you work. Either way your mental health is paramount so look after number one, everything else is optional.

Hugs

I am worried about shooting off my mouth. I get wound up excited and run off at the head and overshare about everything in the wrong place at the wrong time to the wrong people. I get defensive and a hair trigger temper. My pdoc is out of town. I am still not balanced. Feeling kinda wired. But I don't know if it is part of who I really am (wishful thinking cuz I like the high?) or is it just the high?

So time to stop rambling and call it a day, been up since 3am.

Thanks!

[WorkhorseDVM]

SO reminded me yesterday that I was supposed to be keeping track of my moods since 19Aug. Better late than never. This is going to be done on my iPad as I think it, edited only for spelling as that irritates me. I am a bit OCD (is a bit OCD possible?) about some things, such as I like things in 3s, 7s, or 12s, and when I pump gas it has to wind up on 0 or 5. This is going to bounce around a bit.

Question: Why do I repeat myself? Double say a word or short phrase? I have realized I only do this when manic. Is this a bipolar thing?

I have also learned that while 0.5 mg trazadone helps me sleep it also literally snaps me out of black hole depression kinda like from 0 to 60 in seconds. And yes, I like this. So last week 3 days after stopping Seroquel and starting Abilify I got twitchy. Pdoc reduced to 1 mg and added trazadone back in. I am sleeping, and I am manic. Tonight I am back on 2 mg Abilify. So counting Topamax for migraine, Abilify, trazadone, and Lexapro are my currents meds for bipolar.

Still getting used to that, bipolar. Acted like I had no idea what that was in a meeting at work today, like there was a neon sign on my head everyone could see that screamed I was a bipolar nut job.

A week ago I felt I had some energy, got some sleep, got some work done, had nothing when I got home. This weekend did some things at home for first time in a year. Also want sex first time in in a year, did not mention that to SO, dealt with it myself. My outlet is in my head.

Did confess to SO I was jazzed. Also asked best bud at work who knows of Dx to keep eye on me. My brain and my words are going 1000mph. I am productive, but bounce from task to task (“shiny things”). Best bud says I am myself which gives me hope that this is me? Still drained when get home, got nothing left. Did not sleep much last night, not sleepy now. I have gone from crying terrified of losing job cuz of “it” = ***** = (boss’s boss) to whatever and back to going to help save boss (D) and me so that he and I will go to new job together at same different company leaving this one on same day (which is actually what we have discussed doing).

So back to meds. I am back to 2 mg Abilify tonight. Want to give this til next Monday to see if full dose makes a difference with trazadone. I feel like while I am jazzed and I am tending to oversharing but not heatedly shooting off my mouth. Either way I think Pdoc is back next Monday so will call and leave update. Feel weird vibrations. Have to move but now I think it is mania not Abilify.

Reading what I can when I can. Also Psych Central. Really not sure what I think about being bipolar. Hate back holes, love mania. SO and sisters ok. Moma in denial. Told me “don’t act like yourself” at work. Hell don’t know who I am so that was not helpful. Rambling so stopping now.

[Bpfroggy]

I totally understand the struggle with figuring out what parts are "really you". This is something I've been working on with my therapist. He says that although I'm confused about it now it is possible to disentangle the "real" from the "bipolar", and that over time I will see myself more clearly. I've been working with a T for over a year on this so it does take time, but it is slowly helping. One thing I figured out was definitely NOT me is the anger and irritability that I used to have all the time. That's nice to know.

Best of luck with your journey of self-discovery! Having a diagnosis to work with is the first step to recovery .

[IsabelAmy]

I was very angry with my parents when I finally shattered into a million bits. It was sort of the same with you where they would say stupid things and I always felt like I was a burden and it was too much for them to deal with, so I kept it under wraps as best I could. I did a lot of writing and talking to my therapist and the anger has past. I have accepted they did the best they could with what they had at the time and made serious mistakes, that were just that, mistakes. I hope you can find peace in that regard as well. The intro to medication class is a tough one, just make sure you have a good teacher and stick it out the best you can. You sound like someone who can make this happen in your life.

[WorkhorseDVM]

Hi

Any sugesstions in addition to Psych Central for my spouse, best friends, and sisters who get it and want to know more as to websites for learning more about bipolar?

And maybe most importantly websites for my in denial mom?

Thanks!

[WorkhorseDVM]

Really feeling rotten. Last few days I have been VERY anxious, weepy, yet productive on a few hours of sleep. Funny thing is I think the meds are working as I got very angry last week but instead of going off I stayed quiet. I had a filter, I've never had a filter. Why do I feel so much better and so rotten at the same time? Pdoc increased trazadone and Abilify.

[WorkhorseDVM]

I think I am about to be a train wreck again becuz of not sleeping. I was asleep at 8:30 last night, awake at 12am, and every 2 hours since. This has been going on for weeks. Pdoc is aware, appt. on Friday. Terrified of train wreck coming if I do not get some real consistent sleep.

I am very sensitive to meds. Only taking 50 mg topriamate, 10 mg Lexapro, 75 mg trazadone, 3 mg Abilify. Just Dx in Sep and started trying find right meds. Seroquel not for me, I sleep but do not ever wake up enough to function on so low a dose not worth pursuing. Was in black hole depression. Lexapro and trazadone yanked me out into full blown manic but with a "filter" on my mouth, brain, etc. for the first time in my life.

I have got to sleep. Any suggestions!?