[Wander]

This morning i broke up with my boyfriend as I just don't have the same feelings for him as he has for me. I don't think I was ready for a relationship when we started off last July and I still am not ready. He loves me and treats me wonderfully. In fact I don't think I have had any boyfriend who has treated me so well, especially considering I have been so unwell. So why don't I love him?? One theory I have is that my illness currently makes me unable to cope with the intimacy and as I feel so dead inside I just am not capable of love. I have tried to wait until the feelings came but they have not. Maybe it is just to do with how unwell I am right now. I am scared I have made a big mistake and now on top of feeling so damn low and irritable i have to deal with this.

Does having bipolar give anyone else similar problems? Maybe he just wasn't the one or maybe i have made a huge mistake. I am so confused right now and also scared about how depressed I am. I don't want to be alone all the time and now I will be as my friends are often MIA. Thankfully I have a very supportive Mum so she will be checking on me daily.

[Blue_Bird]

I think you should focus on yourself and getting stable, and when you feel ready to date again, then date. I'm not saying you should stop any relationship you have because you run into instability but when you're going through a lot like you seem to be it may be best to put on the back burner for now

[wiretwister]

been married many years, love my wife dearly but I feel "dead" inside also....in my case I blame the meds...

Last year in my horrific mixed episode I too broke up with my boyfriend. He is the most wonderful and supportive man, but a manchild and I got frustrated with him at times as he doesnt understand why he couldnt make me happy and it distressed both of us.

I felt ok after the break up but after about 2 weeks of online flirting with other people I realised I would never find anyone so sweet and caring. So I practically begged him to take me back while I was inpatient with a list of things I was looking to achieve in the future. He accepted me back and we pursued my short term goals together.

He expressed his disappointment when I got ill this time round but its not a horrid mixed state this time (so I am not so nasty) but it is an agitated depression, I manage not to take it out on him, and surprisingly he has been so supportive of me going inpatient for so long.

I feel guilty though as he misses me so much and is really struggling without me. I didnt expect that.

Thats just my experience , I can relate. I didnt think I was capable of love either but the boyfriend slowly showed me what it is again and I'll never forget again having him by my side.

Thats not to say you made a mistake, I have no idea of your relationship and maybe it was the best for you breakup in your current state of mind. I can relate to your feelings.

[Wander]

The more I think about it the more I feel that the last few years of being unwell has closed my heart. Hw do you let love back in after being hurt so much and going through the traumas of regular horrible episodes and hopitalisations? Today I am very, very low. I feel like a am drowning in a deep, raging sea. I called my pdoc and therapists to see if they can help but I am waiting for calls back. What can be done anyway/ None of the treatment seems to get me out of mixed episodes for very long. I just go out of hospital and feel just as bad as before I went in. Am I now untreatable Is there any hope left for me

[Crazy Hitch]

I am sorry this is such a difficult time for you.

Hang in there!

For me it's hard to love also bc I'm always battling my own mind and mania and deep depression and when I did try and love I was never noticed by my husband.. And he was getting tired of seeing me go back and forth he didn't know what to do.. It hurts me more that I am bipolar and constantly having mood swings and depression and such and knowing that he has to see me this wAy sometimes I think it's better for me to be alone you know so I don't hurt anyone or they don't have to worry about me. But it's nice to be loved knowing Someone could actually love me and be there for me it means more bc who the heck would stay with someone who is so unstable idk I would just focus on yourself for now if it's meant to be it will happen I am focusing on myself right now I need to be stable first before I can be the best wife and mom. I hope things get better for you! Thinking of you!

[lacerta]

Oh, dear, I swing from "my husband is the best man in the world" to "I want to divorce instantly" continuously. It's so difficult.

I don't have any answers but I hope you get it all sorted out.

[Crazy Hitch]

Yeah after reading your thread and looking at more responses I think this can be challenging on relationships but can certainly be managed.

[Wander]

Thanks everyone. I broke up with him last year for similar reasons but I was hypomanic at the time and now I am mixed. I miss him already but also know I just don't have the feelings of passionate love that he deserves. I am running on empty and perhaps need some time alone to focus on getting better, work and university. Just those three are overwhelming me right now. In fact my therapist recommended I take myself to hospital today as I am so low and irritable but my hospital is a construction site so I am not going back to that. I also cannot afford to take more time off work or university. Yet I am very unwell. What do I do.Struggle through and hope this episode passes. Drown while trying? I am scared of all options. I just need my health back, gosh just closer to baseline and NOT mixed would be nice holiday. Mixed is so awful. To feel full of restless, agitated energy while deeply depressed and crying is awful. I need a break, soon.

Can you go into another hospital? The one I am in has no construction and there are a few private clinics in our area. Your pdoc might not have admitting rights but could easily get you in somewhere if you really needed it and didnt want to go back to the same hospital.

Im starting uni from in hospital, pdocs all agreed it was best as I am not coping with every day things like showering and eating and feeling completely worthless. I can also work from hospital if they give me the hours!

[BP2014]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I think you should focus on yourself and getting stable, and when you feel ready to date again, then date. I'm not saying you should stop any relationship you have because you run into instability but when you're going through a lot like you seem to be it may be best to put on the back burner for now

I agree, especially if you are fragile right now. I am BP and know what a struggle a relationship can be. I have a wife who cares about me alot but really does not understand how I feel. She thinks if I just go back to work and make some money I will feel better about myself...kinda like people who think depression is same as having a bad hair day...WOW. I ponder if my marriage will survive as well but I also realize that me getting better is important as well...maybe even more important than making sure we survive? I read on a website about BP...."no toxic relationships".

[Wander]

I am seeing my pdoc on Wednesday so I will discuss my options. Just have to get by day till then. if all goes South I will present myself to emergency. It sounds like a good set up you have at hospital. I wish you all the best with university and your treatment.