[IfAnybodysListening]

I'm really struggling with dissociation mainly when I'm depressed. I see things and hear things and it seems unbearable and unbearable. Its an endless cycle. I cant seem to get out of it and tonight I just want to die. So I decided to try and reach out for help where I cant be sent to the hospital for evaluation just for saying die.

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[Crazy Hitch]

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way right now.

Hang in there IfAnybodysListening.

I'm listening.

And I hear your pain.

What has hurt you so much?

[Wander]

Welcome. We are here for you. Dissociation can be really tough. I have dealt with it for years. Have you tried 'grounding' skills or mindfulness meditation? I find these help at least reduce the intensity of it. Hang in there and keep posting if you want/need to.

Hold tight. Wander has good advice -- do you know some grounding skills or mindfulness you can use?

[kindoflost]

I reccomend following 2 articles:

The Forum for Contemplative Studies dissociation « Resources - here you can learn a ton of useful stuff about meditation and our psyche

http://www.clarity-of-being.org/index.htm - grounding exercies with explantion could be found here

[IfAnybodysListening]

Ive been in and out of the hospital since I was 14 and all I learned was DBT skills. I try grounding myself and meditating but the feelings of death and self harm over whelm it. I'm in rehab now because all ive wanted to do is drink and smoke. Now ive reached aPoint where if I mess up one more time ill be sent away for the rest of my life. I even overdosed the other week but it just got me deeper in MHA but all I want is out. Death seems most reasonable but I even fail at that.

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[Wander]

Originally Posted by IfAnybodysListening

Ive been in and out of the hospital since I was 14 and all I learned was DBT skills. I try grounding myself and meditating but the feelings of death and self harm over whelm it. I'm in rehab now because all ive wanted to do is drink and smoke. Now ive reached aPoint where if I mess up one more time ill be sent away for the rest of my life. I even overdosed the other week but it just got me deeper in MHA but all I want is out. Death seems most reasonable but I even fail at that.

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You are clearly in deep distress and I wish I could help. When I was in the midst of very bad PTSD I also found mindfulness and grounding to only make me feel worse. All that got me through was an excellent therapist. Are you in therapy? It sounds like you need more help than you are getting. Thoughts of death are not to be taken lightly. Please seek help if you are not already. We can keep listening and offer our support but we cannot get you out of this. take care, your life is worth it.

[IfAnybodysListening]

I dont know real life skills because all I know is therapeutic stuff. I have social anxiety like crazy. My BPD is out of control but I dont like using that excuse but it my diagnosis seems most fitting. I was raped as a child and all I know to deal with the PTSD is to run from emotions. I do it without knowing. I put myself in abusive relationships mostly emotional because I feel like I need it. I know the fault in everything I do but its the only thing I know. I currently go to therapy daily but it makes mw worse. I feel excuse my language mind ****ed on a daily basis. I resorted to drugs and alcohol because it altered my thinking. Another way to escape but Newman forced into sobriety after my last overdose and rehab is another trigger. One more mess up and I feel like I'd kill myself before they can send me away for good again. That's where I'm at right now. It scares me that I'm not afraid of death and its my biggest curiosity. I dont know what I believe in but I feel it'd be better finding out what its like afterwards. My therapist is aware of my thinking but inpatient treatment just starts the cycle over again. I cant leave my loved ones but they say to do things that are right for myself. I know its not acceptable to some but I just want the pain and suffering to go away. This week I'd be with positive friends but I isolated myself cause I cant have fun anymore. It seems impossible to find true happiness I tried everything. And I jump into relationships fast and Theseus myself away and girls now think I'm a "player" and that hurts me to no end. I want my drugs and alcohol back cause its the only way I can cope and sometimes it leads me to testing my limits which in the end makes everything worse. Two weeks ago was another near death experience spent in the ed. I dont want the attention it made people give me. I want to be alone and not hurt anyone else. Life seems pointless right now. I'm not going to do anything right now so dont worry about that. But I dont know what the future holds but I dont want to know so I try to escape in anyway possible. I moved out to get away from my mom cause she didn't let me do the things I seeded to cope. Now we are distant and I hate it. I feel like its another reason to let whatever's after life just take me. I comply with treatment and meds but they dont help and cause unbearable sideaffects. Ive been on 100's of meds the 30 times ive been admired. I'm lost in this stupid world and I dont belong. I want out but I know its not that easy. I feel as if theres no hope. But helping people in a weird way helps me. I recently got offered a Peer Advocate job but I know I cant so it because of my mentality. Theres no way out of this and I try to face it but fail every time. So this is my like 10th attempt at this. On this site where theres not much judgement but even on here I get *****ed out like I dont belong. I'm paranoid my therapist will see this and send me away and that scares me.

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[Sunnyhunny00]

Don't be afraid to post here, you do what you can to help yourself!!
Every single time you stop yourself from self harming or worse, there is a part inside you... Even if it's very small, that is stronger than your pain. You are strong... You are very strong because you are reaching out and opening up.
It hurts, it hurts so bad to feel the pain of this world. It's like every last ounce of your body is trying to find any sort of escape. The endless thoughts make it worse and tempt us to dig down farther into our rut because it seems the only way out.

It's not though. That is what this pain tries to force us to believe.
It's so hard to even do this but it's the only thing that saved me when I was so far gone in BPD. Here it is...

Anytime I got a negative thought... "I'm worthless, I want to die.. Ect" I'd replace it with something positive like "I can do this, everything will pass. I can get through this."
I'd repeat it if I had too, and I'd force myself to smile even when I hated doing it. I'd fail and fail but I always made the effort to try.
I'm not sure if this would work for you or not. It is so hard to do but it helped a tiny bit.

I'd call the suicide hotline because it does help. Just talking helped me feel somewhat better.

Do you have anything you can do that can distract you? Drawing? Reading? Tv? Video games? Anything at all that can help for a little bit?

I want to see you feel better. I want to read a post in the future saying you made it through the darkness.

The pain is unbearable, it feels like we can feel the pain of the world all smashed inside our little soul. But it can't defeat you because you are stronger than you think and wiser than you believe.

These times are so extremely hard but you CAN make it through this!!!! Don't worry about where you might end up! Don't worry about what others think, don't care what may happen in the future! Divert all your energy into something that you can hold dear to you.

Your mother and you might be distant now but that will not last forever. Live for HER!!! Call her and tell her you love her!! Tell her your're struggling, tell her you need her! Cry to her, tell her to come see you.

Do whatever you can to ease this pain into something even slightly more positive.

It doest seem like it now, but YOU can get through this alive! We are all here for you and don't be afraid to let it all out on here. We are here to help and support each other through the good and the bad.

[IfAnybodysListening]

Thankyou for the support. I really need it. But it all seems to not work. I feel like this on a daily basis ans everyone tells me it'll get better but it never does. I found out today my mom is drinking again. Even though grandma slowly offed herself with it. She was my inspiration to quit drinking but now ive got nothing. My sister is aDrug addict how am I suppose to continue rehab if they couldnt do it. I want out. I never asked for this. I write music but its all sad and when I show people they think I'm going to act on what I write. I dont relate with happy music but this is my passion. To one day play infront of thousands of people WHO understand and relate. I want to change music and write for those WHO go through the same. But so much gets in the way of it. No one believes in me so what am I Suppose to do? Like my biggest supports are hypocrites and its not like I'm able to disown my family. No one in my family understands my illness and are afraid of me. I'm lost. I'm trying to make something of what little "talent" I have. But no one thinks I can do it and neither do I Now. I lived for my mom but I tear her apart that's why she started drinking again to cope. I cant do this anymore.

Possible trigger:

I get really scary thoughts of suicide. Not that I'm afraid of it but itll literally kill everyone that loves me. I saw a reflection in the mirror when I was in the car today. It told me to take my cigarette and blow the care up with the gas in the back.

I tried calling my peer advocate but he wouldnt answer. I know I'm prolly better off in a group home or inpatient ERT but that's not what I want and would make it worse. It dosent matter if I have a good day ill immediately dissociate and it just brings me back to my depression baseline. Death makes me curious if I'd be happier that way. I live for what people think about me cause I just want to be accepted but at 19 I still get bullied. Sometimes I try and pick fights with them because I get so hurt. I lost my childhood. I spent it in A hospital and I'm stuck emotionally of when I was raped. I'm trying so hard to listen too your words of encouragement but it just seems so impossible to alter my negative thinking.


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[Sunnyhunny00]

I wish I could just hug you and make it all go away. I was molested for 4 years by an ex step brother. I know the pain of sexual abuse and the burden that goes with it. Reading everything you wrote is exactly how I felt when my BPD got extremely bad in the beginning of 2014. I felt the same exact way. It was never ending and I attempted many dangerous acts before I hopped in the car and went to the ER. Mania honestly saved me.

I can't say anything that will make the pain go away. I can be here to talk, listen and offer as much support as I possible can. Sometimes I struggle myself to listen to my own advice.

If knowing your loved ones would be crushed if your life was taken gives you even the slightest bit of courage, feed it!! Live for it!! I learned early on that we truly don't live for ourselves, we live for everyone around us. It's them we think of before we do something and it's them that stop us when we think of them.

TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER
I don't know how to use the trigger button!!!
TRIGGER

Possible trigger:

I had a step brother that committed suicide. His dad found him in the closet. It has seriously been the worst thing the entire family has gone through. His dad has almost committed suicide many times. He's haunted by the memory of finding his son the way he did. He's been in and out of counseling. The young mans sister fell apart and is struggling to move past it. They cry and cry and cry thinking it was their fault. They said they should have helped more. The dad blames himself and struggles with anger and all sorts of emotions. Not a single day goes by that they don't think of him... Begging for him back.
Watching the ambulance show up and haul a body away... Family members that was hardly around dropping to their knees screaming. He was only 19.
Going to a funeral of a suicide is sooooo terribly sad. Everyone crying so hard, others breaking down and screaming. The mother losing it completely in front of everyone. Her cries... They could never be forgotten. The cry of a mother that lost her child. It's deathly, it's ear peircing. It will drop you to your knees and make you weak. You will never forget it. The family has fallen apart inside and out. The young man thought no one understood. He thought it was his only way out. He thought he had no one. But the truth is, even two years later not a single person has truly moved on and they never ever will. They still break down and cry at the sound of certain songs. They still lose it from time to time. So many people truly needed him and they still do.

END TRIGGER

I wanted to tell you that story so you undertsood the reality of taking your own life. It's sooo damn hard to live sweetie!! But it's worth it!!! It is WORTH it!
It may feel like a never ending battle, it may get so damn hard you just can't stop thinking about it! But the most important thing for yourself is that you trudge through it. You cry... Scream if you having to. Write songs and make them however you want!! Set small goals and always remind yourself to try to think positive.
No, it won't always be possible, but it doesn't matter how much you fail, the only thing that matters is that you never stop trying!
There are soo many peoole that love you dearly! A lot more than you may even be aware of.

I can't make it go away, none of us can. But we can help you work through it. we can listen and be there for you!

I hope you can find distraction during this tough time! Never ever give up!

[IfAnybodysListening]

I just wrote the longest reply thanking you and sharing something relatable but I think it deleted

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[IfAnybodysListening]

Long story short my friend WHO suffers from the same things I do had her cousin kill herself years ago. And I'm really bad at helping her because it hurts me to see her in pain. The funeral was today and tomorrow marks the number of years ago it happend. Shes in pain and is my biggest inspiration. But its hard for me to be there because I dont know if I should be positive and upbeat or to grieve with her. I love her with all my heart and it kills me that she blames herself. I want to put my own emotions aside tomorrow to be there but this has me crying. I told her she couldnt self harm because of how good shes been doing but I turned around and did it myself. I'm a bad friend and it kills me so ****ing much. Her girlfriend is such a big support and has helped her so much. And she's been struggling too. I love them both so much. They are perfect for eachother but I feel like I bring them down. We hung out today and I felt so paranoid that iWas causing them pain too. I'm not sure if I should back off or fake my emotions for their own good. Things keep happening that make recovery literally impossible. I want to drink and smoke my pain away but I'm in rehab. That's why I See death as the only option. To not only end my pain but end others. But deep down iKnow it'd just hurt them more. So I'm stuck in limbo. Thankyou so much for listening and relating so well. I feel less judged and I appreciate all the support

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