It's not worth the pain

That's it.I'm giving up everything.I'm gonna lock myself in my room and i'm never gonna get out from my room.I cannot stand seeing my oved ones and friends like me at one moment and the next hate me.I cannot stand forgetting things and the next second rememberin them and the other let them slip away and never come again.I cannot see myself struggling to be good at something and when i do it forget everything.I can't be angry and calm at the same time,i cannot be relaxed and stressed,determined and empty,idiot and smart,rebel amd prisoner.It just isn't worth all the moments i have given myself to be what i wanted,to see everything that i did broken and wasted and left in a rubbish can.That cannot continue,this or me...

Rebel, good morning. I'm sorry you are not having a good day. Do you have a doctor appointment this week? It is very important that you talk to someone in person about these episodes you are having. Remember about the slow, calm breathing. There are many of us who care about you.

The forum is not very active right now, it will be later in the day. (((((((((((((rebel)))))))))))))))

Were you able to find any telephone numbers you could call to talk to someone about this?

sometimes locking yourself in your could be a good thing - maybe this is one of those times for you - i've been doing that lately, but im also in the process of working with my pdoc to change meds

I have been exactly in your place so many times over the past few years...always hating myself for treating others the way i do and cn't control it, then hating myself more because I cant control it. Sometimes I pace like a wild beast in my room and sometimes I can't stand it and come roaring out of my room screaming. I really feel sorry for everyone around me, but they say they love me and will stick by me...I don't understand that at all, cause If I were them I would kill me!

<font color="#000088"> WOW are we in the same body? I could not have said that better myself. It is exactly what I am doing right now. I slipped RIGHT back into the dreaded "one or the other has to go" ideation weeks, months, hell years ago....

Who and/or what do you have as treatment options? Please tell me you at least have soemone to go to, i.e. ANY type of psych/p-doc/regular doc... If $$ is the problem, tell that too... I've given a creidt card out before, I'll do it again if I need to..
Niko</font>

Man,money's not a problem,thanks for the offer.It is that i am emotianally dead and have been bleeding the hearts of my friends and loved ones.I got through some very difficult years too.Now my hate is what gets me through,hate for the world around me,hate for the damage they did to me.Anyway,i will go to a doctor this or the next week,even if i have to go alone.

PSo you go to a doctor?

Rebel.

<font color="#000088"> I sure do. Despite reluctance, hatred, and so forth, i do go. Usually I am forced by the family, but I go. I'm tired of hurting eveyrone just as much as you.... keep in touch - we're all in this together </font>

Will do.

I'm with ya. I am depressed since my session with T on Saturday. He mentioned about I will terminate someday, I don't know when he is talking and I don't want to know. I finally found something good in my life and it's going to end. Theraputic relationship then kick you in the butt. I know he doesn't really want to hurt me & I couldn't tell him how I felt. I've been crying since that session on Saturday and have not ate a thing. Today I went off my meds. They are not helping. I just want to self destruct.

60 mg cymbalta, 200 mg wellbutrin, 300 mg trileptial

It's sad.I'm really sorry that you had to do this.Try another therapist.You might have a better luck.

<font color="#000088"> How rude and un-ethical of a professional to do. We deal with that enough as is, and to have that happen at the office? What the hell - it's as if NO one gives a hoot whether or not we succeed or not. One minute I feel the total support of my T, then I feel all she is wanting to do is lock me up. This has been talked about WAYYYY to many times lately and I honestly believe, come tomorrow @ 8:30AM, I will no longer be allowed to roam free in my bedroom; i'll be stuck in some hospital room, looking at white walls, all the while supposedly being a medical guinea pig.

ALL bcuz i admitted to going off meds; plus i have an HX of doing such and need to be 'monitored'. Well, when can I HAVE MY OWN CHOICES? It becomes overwhelming on timing meds and all that, then ya find out you have to have someone else ENSURE you are taking them.

Again, if they are not helpign, then why keep taking them? That is my opinion and that is my take on it. I believe I stated in a previous post that I'm 'maxed' out on the dosages due to my weight; so - where's that leave me? I never ever remember signing up for 'mental roulette' as far as medication is/was concerned!!!

Maybe i should just NOT take it either; what's the worst that will happen? Surely to god it can't get any worse!!!
Niko </font>