is it worth it???

, again i mucked up- i did not fill in all the required fields so lost all that i had written. Who knows- maybe that was a good thing... I'm just so confused. As I got to the end of my 1st attempt at this post, I realised that a lot of my self pity at the mo seems to be coming from the mixed messages ex is sending me. I went round to his place this evening with some DVDs and PJs for no1 daughter as she is staying with him tomorrow night. The first time I ever saw his house the living room was bare boards and the house had hardly any furniture (he is doing the place up). It was cold, uninviting and horrible. Today though, it was beautiful... the living room is painted, all the curtains were up, it was furnished (including the huge framed photo of the 2 girls we had done last year) and a lovely china cabinet. ( ) He told me how much he missed me, and kept wanting to kiss me. I was crying at the time anyway, as I was so... jealous... of how the place looked, and as I do miss him so much. But I just don't know what to think really. Last time I saw him he said that there was no way we would get back together, yet today he was kissing me at the same time as mentioning 'shared custody' and 'we can still be friends'... ( ). What do I do- get on with my life (easier said than done of course) or look at rebuilding the marriage? I kept stopping him from ralking about the relationship today- I couldn't handle it. But I really liked being embraced in his big arms and being hugged so securely. I'd better stop typing before I start a flood here. Does it REALLY get easier to deal with ex's? I can't remember... last time it was rocky for the 1st few weeks than although we lived apart we rebuilt the relationship easily...

I am so sad to read this as your pain is so real. I have no advice to offer - I am terrified of being in your position. Whatever happens, I hope it is what you both want. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling and for all that you are going through.

now he has just been round here- he has been trying to ring me (but i'm on the internet so he couldn't get thru!), and he's tried texting 2x and rung 1x on e the cellphone (but i'm on the computer, no-where near the phone!!). he was so concerned he couldn't get in contact with me that he came round to check if I was alright. oh, I do love him and miss him SOOO much...

Hi Irishsj,
I am so sorry you are in pain. It does sound as if your ex is giving you very confusing mixed signals. It's hard for me to say whether you should try and rebuild the marriage or move on with your life. It's extra hard when you have children together, because that means having to see and be in contact with him all the time.

I know you said he tried bringing up the relationship and you told him to stop because it was too painful, so maybe when you are feeling more up to it you can talk to him heart to heart about everything. (I know it's hard). But maybe you can get to the bottom of his "'mixed signals" since he seems somewhat confused. In my opinion, it sounds as if he misses you, although I don't know why he would say there was no way things would work out and then be kissing you. Like I said, he sounds very confused.

As far as getting over an ex, I find it to be easier as time goes by, or if there is something that happens to make you fall out of love with the person. (Then it's super easy ) but if there is still love there and that person is giving you signals they want to work things out, then it can be harder to move on. (I have been there).

I hope you can get this worked out, I support you in whatever you decide to do. Take good care of yourself, ok? Also, feel free to pm me anytime. I know you will get through this.

Love,
Sujin

I find myself here again, typing my woes onto my keyboard . Txted him in desperate SOS today, as 21mth old became hysterical to see her sister and him. He ended up asking us over for dinner, and things were fine (apart from the fact where he 1/2 jokingly invited me to bed for $$) until tea was served. He was having a hard time with no1 anyway- well, he was totally stressed out by her and she was doing nothing wrong, and things went SOOO badly during tea. 1st she accidently spilt her juice and you'd have thought she had killed the cat. And it just continued from there. I ended up getting blamed, and being told that this is all why the relationship cannot work. I did enjoy pissing him off a bit tho (hehe) when I was getting into the car. In the still of the nite with ppl walking by I pointed out that it was him looking for sexual favours, and that the only prob 2nite had been with him and his anger... He wasn't too pleased at ppl hearing that, and proberbly didn't like the facts being told straight to him either!!! I don't know where I am at the mo; I am still so down, yet am feeling totally ambivilent to it all at the mo. S'pose I should go soak in a nice hot shower, go to bed and enjoy an early nite. Then again, perhaps I'd better tackle the mess that is meeting me in every room of the house...

Dear Irishsj,

I feel you pain and then I asked myself..... "Why did her marriage end in the first place" - ask your self that and then see if it is worth saving or restoring to YOU (and you only). I find that we often want what we do not have and it is hard to let the heart go once it has loved another.... you must look within your self and see if you miss him out of comfort or out of real love.

I will be PRAYING for you - asking God to lead you in the way you should go.

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Weigh the options. If the relationship is worth saving and it's GUARANTEED that he'll work at it too, go for it. Otherwise, you need a CLEAN BREAK! As it is, you keep ripping the scab off the old wound, Sweety!

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irishsj said:
I find myself here again, typing my woes onto my keyboard . Txted him in desperate SOS today, as 21mth old became hysterical to see her sister and him. He ended up asking us over for dinner, and things were fine (apart from the fact where he 1/2 jokingly invited me to bed for $$) until tea was served. He was having a hard time with no1 anyway- well, he was totally stressed out by her and she was doing nothing wrong, and things went SOOO badly during tea. 1st she accidently spilt her juice and you'd have thought she had killed the cat. And it just continued from there. I ended up getting blamed, and being told that this is all why the relationship cannot work. I did enjoy pissing him off a bit tho (hehe) when I was getting into the car. In the still of the nite with ppl walking by I pointed out that it was him looking for sexual favours, and that the only prob 2nite had been with him and his anger... He wasn't too pleased at ppl hearing that, and proberbly didn't like the facts being told straight to him either!!! I don't know where I am at the mo; I am still so down, yet am feeling totally ambivilent to it all at the mo. S'pose I should go soak in a nice hot shower, go to bed and enjoy an early nite. Then again, perhaps I'd better tackle the mess that is meeting me in every room of the house...

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Girl... I'm sorry ... and it may not be my place to say this ... but from what you write, it sounds like he is placing you under a great deal of stress. Even when things seem like they are going OK, it seems like you are walking on eggshells hoping that they are not going to crack (e.g. he is not going to snap at something. Your little one spilt juice and he was ANGRY??

You have said something of your mental health issues from what I have read. Stress, especially that state of not knowing what is going to happen next with someone volatile, can be a BIG contributor to your mental state. It almost doesn't surprise me that you have been so unwell while living with someone who keeps you on tenterhooks.

I am going to stop there ... I hope that you have not been offended by what I said ... but I think you deserve a lot better.

hugs.

Irishsj

Yes, I too thought of the little one spilling juice and being treated like a criminal. That was a serious danger signal that you ignore at your peril. Never trust a man who is short-tempered with a little child.

And I absolutely agree with every word drunksunflower has said - please heed her words of wisdom! The kids don't need your ex's mood swings and these ups and downs are no good for you either. Your requirements are continuity, calm, peace - not a roller-coaster every time you come into contact with him.

Please think about it very seriously.

FG

well put FG.

Thank you so much everyone. Reading all your posts sent me into a little bit of a mess (in case it wasn't obvious!!), but it all rung so true. I'm going to have to sit down and really think about this, altho deep down I know the real answers to those hard ?'s. But again, thank you all so much. I really care for your opinions, as they are helping me along this really hard path.

take what helps you ... we don't know the reality of your situation, we only offer advice on what we see.

but yuo are a good chick, remember that you deserve happiness and so do your lil ones..

x

thanx T. One day that happiness will come, but it sure feels like it is a long way off at the moment!! Easter Sunday and I'm sitting here with 2 unhappy kids- 1 b/coz i won't allow her any more chocolate and 1 b/coz her big sis is annoying her sooo much Arghhhhhh!!! Hope you all have a good day anyway...

oh, and sorry... ... abit!!!

Send Big Sis to her room to chill! Teach her respect for other's feelings.

When you get it together with your situation, they'll stop feeding off of your emotions and calm down. Children pick on their parents emotions. Somehow they know you feel out of control and so do they. Acting out is their only way of letting you know they's scared.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Irish}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

ok, i have decided it is NOT worth it. I have layed down the law, and the only access he gets at the mo is wat is officially set. (Not good for me, if i need a bit of help with them, but best in the long run). Big sis is soooooo mucked up by everything you should see the carnage at the house right now... But in 1/2 hour i'm off to our friends in the country for a few hours, so I hope that settles things down a bit... for all of us. Ha- i just thought... if anyone were to take my blood pressure right now they wouldn't get a reading- it would be off the meter!!! So thanks, and I'm off to destress somehow...

(((((irish)))))

I'm sorry that you're going through all this junk right now. I hope that this mini-trip/vacation makes you feel a bit better.

Honey I am glad you are going to friends ...

If you need to text my number is 021 708803. I can call u back.

And next time you are in Auckland for number 1, I hope that you will call me.

kia kaha.

x

never made it out to friends... got a bit of the way, had both no1's shoes thrown out the window- her, not me!!- dropped her off at caregivers while i went to retrieve them, and now i have no custody of her til at least wed... decided couldn't face trip out.

i don't blame you.

you have time to do something for yourself now?

x

yes, wallow in the sadness that I don't have no1 with me, and look at the prospect that i might not have her in my full time care again? Sorry to sound so negative, but that's what i'm up against now. it just don't get any better... but thanks for your no. I'll txt ya sometime (when I have credit on the ph!!- i go 027...)

Can you come to chat?

x

avoiding it at the mo!! maybe later. anyway, no2 in bath so i shouldn't even be HERE. at least b/room right across hallway...

girl you are obviously a good mummy and making the best of a bad situation.

here if u need to talk.

x