[raspberrytorte]

I believe I may be depressed.

I just think back on my life and wonder what the f happened. In high school I was upbeat, optimistic, excited about my future, ready to take on the world, completely convinced I would make it as a writer, have a successful career, get books published, etc.

Reality: It's a competitive market out there. Nearly impossible. Rejection all the time. It's really quite depressing. I'm trying to have a successful writing career, but it's not working, so now I just feel like a loser who works at an unfortunate job, with unfortunate pay, and that I'm going to be poor and destitute for the rest of my life (and yes that is somewhat exaggerated). I just feel like I work and work and WORK and nothing good ever happens! I could use some sort of break here! I barely have time to write, just work at my unfortunate job all the time, take care of a toddler. I'm always exhausted.

I've become impulsive, like today I took 60mg of propranolol at once, when I'm only supposed to take 30mg a day, spread out during the day. That somewhat concerns me.

And why am I just getting worse as I get older? I feel like a crazy lady.

I don't want to take my seroquel because I don't want to get fat and become diabetic, but it really helps with my mood.

But then I wonder what would my natural mood be right now? I hate all these meds. What would I be like if I wasn't on them? Would I really be worse? Or would I be better?

I'm stressed and anxious EVERY DAY. Every day! And for no particular reason. I don't even have anxiety thoughts. I just FEEL anxious. I hate it.

Sorry for the novel and the rant.

I bawled three times today (I know. BOO HOO).

Wondering if anyone can relate?

[cashart10]

I am so sorry you are feeling depressed! You are such a sweet and compassionate heart and I have come to appreciate you and your posts. I'm sorry for the tears too.

I feel very similar to you. Instead of working though, I stay home while my husband works. And for me, that sometimes means just sitting on my butt wallowing in pity or self-loathing. Sometimes I wonder if I would do that if I worked a "real" job. I CERTAINLY didn't do it at all when I had a "real" job but that was also before my breakdown (I last worked 5 years ago, breakdown 3 years ago). We couldn't afford for me to work at this point (daycare, before and after school care) and my hubs thinks I can't work right now. Well, is it possible that my not working is making me crazy? When I had my breakdown, I was caring for 2 four year olds, 1 three year old, and 2 two year olds (mine, my niece and nephew, and my good friend's daughter). Did keeping all of those kids all the time make me lose my mind? I seriously consider it as a possibility. I used to be a career woman. I gave it up for my babies. I am glad I did but I'm uncertain that I should have done it. I also often wonder if I would be different if I was on or off the meds. My husband would not allow me to find out. There would be repercussions if I made the decision to stop the meds.

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I believe I may be depressed.

I just think back on my life and wonder what the f happened. In high school I was upbeat, optimistic, excited about my future, ready to take on the world, completely convinced I would make it as a writer, have a successful career, get books published, etc.

Reality: It's a competitive market out there. Nearly impossible. Rejection all the time. It's really quite depressing. I'm trying to have a successful writing career, but it's not working, so now I just feel like a loser who works at an unfortunate job, with unfortunate pay, and that I'm going to be poor and destitute for the rest of my life (and yes that is somewhat exaggerated). I just feel like I work and work and WORK and nothing good ever happens! I could use some sort of break here! I barely have time to write, just work at my unfortunate job all the time, take care of a toddler. I'm always exhausted.

I've become impulsive, like today I took 60mg of propranolol at once, when I'm only supposed to take 30mg a day, spread out during the day. That somewhat concerns me.

And why am I just getting worse as I get older? I feel like a crazy lady.

I don't want to take my seroquel because I don't want to get fat and become diabetic, but it really helps with my mood.

But then I wonder what would my natural mood be right now? I hate all these meds. What would I be like if I wasn't on them? Would I really be worse? Or would I be better?

I'm stressed and anxious EVERY DAY. Every day! And for no particular reason. I don't even have anxiety thoughts. I just FEEL anxious. I hate it.

Sorry for the novel and the rant.

I bawled three times today (I know. BOO HOO).

Wondering if anyone can relate?

Man do I relate. In my 20s and until about 33 I was such a different person. Now I'm lame with no life other than my son. I too wonder if I was off these meds how I'd be. I imagine suicidal...I really do.

I wish it was different. Why'd I have to go through that psychosis, it's ruined everything. Just everything. This zyprexa helps so much but I'm gaining so much weight. I see my pdoc on the 7th but I don't know what else to try for my meds for sleep. Sorry to make this about me....

I understand though, boy do I.

Originally Posted by cashart10

I am so sorry you are feeling depressed! You are such a sweet and compassionate heart and I have come to appreciate you and your posts. I'm sorry for the tears too.

I feel very similar to you. Instead of working though, I stay home while my husband works. And for me, that sometimes means just sitting on my butt wallowing in pity or self-loathing. Sometimes I wonder if I would do that if I worked a "real" job. I CERTAINLY didn't do it at all when I had a "real" job but that was also before my breakdown (I last worked 5 years ago, breakdown 3 years ago). We couldn't afford for me to work at this point (daycare, before and after school care) and my hubs thinks I can't work right now. Well, is it possible that my not working is making me crazy? When I had my breakdown, I was caring for 2 four year olds, 1 three year old, and 2 two year olds (mine, my niece and nephew, and my good friend's daughter). Did keeping all of those kids all the time make me lose my mind? I seriously consider it as a possibility. I used to be a career woman. I gave it up for my babies. I am glad I did but I'm uncertain that I should have done it. I also often wonder if I would be different if I was on or off the meds. My husband would not allow me to find out. There would be repercussions if I made the decision to stop the meds.

You're so sweet, just wanted to say that.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I had to go off my anti-depressant to go on an MAOI. I was still on Seroquel and klonopin but had to stop imipramine which I'd been taking for 5 years. We planned a 6 week taper and then I would be admitted to the hospital to go on the MAOI without having to wait out 2 weeks without any antidepressant. I think I made it 4 weeks, maybe 5, before I had to call and say it was time to go into the hospital. I was so glad they didn't make me do the 2 week washout because I would have been inpatient that entire time and then more to get on the MAOI.

I cannot imagine going off all meds because I know what that was like. I don't even have a word to describe it. I remember the day they were trying to get all the insurance stuff done for admission I was sitting with a patient working on her hand. I loved 98% of my patients and liked most of the rest. She was one I liked but who was frustrating. When they called for more information I realized I'd been sitting there thinking "I hate doing this, I just want to die, I just want to be out of here, I want to run away, I can't be patient with teaching her the same thing for the millionth time". And so I had to talk to the nurse and explain that I had to stay in professional mode so I wouldn't fall apart but that I was much worse than I was going to sound. That night I had to flush all the rest of the bottle of imipramine to stay safe.

I hope you feel better when you wake up.

[RisuNeko]

"But then I wonder what would my natural mood be right now? I hate all these meds. What would I be like if I wasn't on them? Would I really be worse? Or would I be better?"

I wonder this all of the time. Like when I get breakthrough manic symptoms I wonder, would I be totally manic and psychotic if I weren't on meds right now. And when I'm depressed I wonder if the meds are just weighing me down and dulling my emotions to the point where I'm dead inside. Or sometimes I wonder if I would be pleasantly hypomanic if I weren't on meds.

[Capriciousness]

I totally relate. The anxiety. The boo boo. Etc.

The anxiety with nothing anxious about. Blah. I try to tell people that I am not actually worried about anything but I FEEL so freaking anxious that I feel like I have to come up with something to focus it on (maybe I have CANCER! etc).

I try to explain to them too that all the CBT and breathing in the world just ain't gonna cut it sometimes. That it isn't in my mental head. It is in my physical body. And a little bout of anxiety can trigger that physical response and then I just can't cut it off. My pdoc confirmed this happens to Bipolar people.

So I just went off on a rambling tangent

Yes I totally relate. I hope you get some kind of peace somehow today.

[Sunnyhunny00]

My life took a turn for the absolute worse when I was 18years old. I had experienced trauma all my childhood. Then something extremely traumatic happpened at 18.
Before this time, I was bipolar, but I was unaware of anything else. For instance, I was care free almost. I didn't have anxiety. I didn't care what people thought, I was just myself. I had ambition, goals, and dreams like you.
After the trauma at 18 everything changed. I became extremely aware of everything. My bipolar got worse. I was and still am always on the look out for anything and everything. My depression brought me a first class ticket straight to hell and never misses a flight to bring me to back.

Nothing is the same. The farther I get away from the trauma in years, the worse I become inside. It brought forth everything clear as day. I lost a massive part of myself that I can't find. I believe it's just dead and I'll never get it back.

I can relate with getting older and things getting worse. That's my life. The problem I have is I still interact and speak to the two that caused the trauma at 18. I have too because they were people I trusted and loved the most. I still love them.

Everything inside me is fighting this and I lose the battle everytime. I still get nightmares of the incident. I had one last night. I'm forced to relive it anytime my brain wants me to. The trauma is my biggest secret. I don't speak of it. I can't. I protect them by not talking about it. They destroyed me but I still protect them.

I know this post isn't about me. But I just want you to know that I truly do relate. To the anxious feelings, the depression, the loss of hope and goals. I have experienced all of this on a great scale.

I am truly sorry you feel this way. I can only say don't give up hope. it's all we have. Its the one thing that keeps us going. Things may not get better at the moment, but in the future maybe we can look back and see things aren't as we perceived them to be.

(((hugs))))

[Homeira]

You are certainly not alone in feeling like that.

I don`t know, would my life have been different without my BP? Yes it would. But this is it. This is my life, and I am on this earth only once. I have to make the best out of it.
Would it have been easier? Maybe. Maybe not. We all have out crosses to bear.

A friend of my mother lost her son in a truly horrific and tragic manner. She has never been the same since. While my child is healthy and happy...

A girlfriend of mine has a brother who is a heroin-addict. She lives in fear of him, because he is violent, and steals from his family, and at the same time she fears that something will happen to him. While my brother is a great guy...

A woman died from cancer. I know it was a long, hard and very, very painful battle against death. And I know that when she died, she was not ready. And how deep her agony was about the fact that she would be leaving two young children behind. While I can be here for my son, getting a chance to love him every day, and watch him grow up...

A very close friend of mine had to escape his country as a refugee, after being inprisoned for five years, being starved and tortured (it was unspeakable, truly) for his political views... And he is one of the people in my life who cares so deeply about my situation and about how I am doing, maybe because of what he has gone through, and still is. (He has PTSD).

I look at them and realize that everyone has a burden to bear. Some have a heavier load than others though, and if I am one of those, well, then my back just has to be strong enough to shoulder it.
Didn`t know how strong I could be before I got this illness.

There is something very deep and existential about that question ; "would my life have been different if not for..."
My answer to that is that maybe it would have been just as hard.
There is so much suffering around me, in the world as a whole, and amongst people I am close to also. Why should I be spared?

It might sound strange to think like that, but it keeps me from despairing completely about my own situation.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Sunnyhoney-have you ever gotten PTSD therapy? There are several different kinds and I won't lie, it is hard, but I'm also very glad I went through it. PTSD is always going to be with me but the treatment changed it. I'm less afraid, rarely have the formerly constant nightmares, and I feel a lot more confident. I am proud of myself that I made it through something that difficult (the therapy) and I understand now more about what it took to survive my past and how that created good parts as well as bad parts. I know longer feel like my past defines me.

I did some form of exposure therapy that I don't remember the name of. It is so effective that it usually takes 12 visits. It took much longer for me but I had some things going on that made us need to take occasional breaks, back up, or stay on one thing longer than typical. Had I not been going through what I already was I think it would have been much faster.

Originally Posted by Sunnyhunny00

My life took a turn for the absolute worse when I was 18years old. I had experienced trauma all my childhood. Then something extremely traumatic happpened at 18.
Before this time, I was bipolar, but I was unaware of anything else. For instance, I was care free almost. I didn't have anxiety. I didn't care what people thought, I was just myself. I had ambition, goals, and dreams like you.
After the trauma at 18 everything changed. I became extremely aware of everything. My bipolar got worse. I was and still am always on the look out for anything and everything. My depression brought me a first class ticket straight to hell and never misses a flight to bring me to back.

Nothing is the same. The farther I get away from the trauma in years, the worse I become inside. It brought forth everything clear as day. I lost a massive part of myself that I can't find. I believe it's just dead and I'll never get it back.

I can relate with getting older and things getting worse. That's my life. The problem I have is I still interact and speak to the two that caused the trauma at 18. I have too because they were people I trusted and loved the most. I still love them.

Everything inside me is fighting this and I lose the battle everytime. I still get nightmares of the incident. I had one last night. I'm forced to relive it anytime my brain wants me to. The trauma is my biggest secret. I don't speak of it. I can't. I protect them by not talking about it. They destroyed me but I still protect them.

I know this post isn't about me. But I just want you to know that I truly do relate. To the anxious feelings, the depression, the loss of hope and goals. I have experienced all of this on a great scale.

I am truly sorry you feel this way. I can only say don't give up hope. it's all we have. Its the one thing that keeps us going. Things may not get better at the moment, but in the future maybe we can look back and see things aren't as we perceived them to be.

(((hugs))))

[raspberrytorte]

Thanks everyone. I am feeling better today. Think I was just having one of those days. I also took my seroquel dose as prescribed, so I think that helped too. No more boo hoo posts from me! Promise.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Glad you feel better!

[Homeira]

Good to hear! Hope you have a great day

[raspberrytorte]

Thanks. You too.

[notyouraverage15]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I believe I may be depressed.

I just think back on my life and wonder what the f happened. In high school I was upbeat, optimistic, excited about my future, ready to take on the world, completely convinced I would make it as a writer, have a successful career, get books published, etc.

Reality: It's a competitive market out there. Nearly impossible. Rejection all the time. It's really quite depressing. I'm trying to have a successful writing career, but it's not working, so now I just feel like a loser who works at an unfortunate job, with unfortunate pay, and that I'm going to be poor and destitute for the rest of my life (and yes that is somewhat exaggerated). I just feel like I work and work and WORK and nothing good ever happens! I could use some sort of break here! I barely have time to write, just work at my unfortunate job all the time, take care of a toddler. I'm always exhausted.

I've become impulsive, like today I took 60mg of propranolol at once, when I'm only supposed to take 30mg a day, spread out during the day. That somewhat concerns me.

And why am I just getting worse as I get older? I feel like a crazy lady.

I don't want to take my seroquel because I don't want to get fat and become diabetic, but it really helps with my mood.

But then I wonder what would my natural mood be right now? I hate all these meds. What would I be like if I wasn't on them? Would I really be worse? Or would I be better?

I'm stressed and anxious EVERY DAY. Every day! And for no particular reason. I don't even have anxiety thoughts. I just FEEL anxious. I hate it.

Sorry for the novel and the rant.

I bawled three times today (I know. BOO HOO).

Wondering if anyone can relate?

I have those feelings all the time. I just recently got diagnosed as BP 1 and am now taking Seroquel. It makes me feel tired all of the time. I just feel like I'm going nowhere (even though ultimately I am). I hope you can get it figured out and I do know that it is way worse when you're not on meds. Good luck!!!!!