[BeyondtheRainbow]

I feel bad because I've come onto this board with mania and agitation and not sleeping and complaining that I was generally not doing well at all. And I've had a treatment change but am still not doing great and so I keep talking. And because I'm manic I'm probably talking WAY too much and it probably barely makes sense although I try to avoid that. And people make suggestions and I know it sounds like I have an excuse for everything. I really do find suggestions valuable and listen to each one. I just have a weird situation and sometimes things that are "normal" don't work for me. I'm complaining because this episode is so, so hard just because of how it has come on and because it's the worst I've had in a long time. But the truth is that my bipolar is kind of a been there/done that thing. I used to be cycling/mixed 98% of the time, for many years. And I've been on so many meds and they just don't work well for me due to allergies and movement disorders and some just plain don't work.

When it gets like this I get scared. And I've brought that to this board and I hope not too much. I'm just so glad to find people who understand. I really am trying things and will do whatever my dr advises. It's just that my treatments kind of vary from normal and so I'm not arguing or ignoring, just going with my strange history with this disorder.

Anyway I hope I haven't offended anyone. Not my intention at all. It's hard to control the excess emotions right now and that unfortunately includes fear/terror, paranoia, anxiety, depression, etc.

I think this board has probably kept me from getting into trouble with SI this week as I've waited to feel better (and I am a little better, just not a lot better). I don't have a lot of people to talk to in my life. So I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has listened and been so supportive and I hope that sometime soon I'll be posting with a little less, um, excess thoughts and I will keep considering everything people say if you can all forgive me when I often say "yes but" or "that won't work for me". I wish I had easier solutions but I just don't. I've been on between 50-60 cocktails with hundreds of dose variations and none worked until I went on the MAOI combined with Seroquel and I got a bit better. I can't take certain meds and others are last-resort things because of prior issues. Treating me is pretty much a nightmare and it's a good thing my dr mainly treats people with complex cases.

But really, I'm sorry if i have posted too much and if I've offended/annoyed anyone.

[Nammu]

Keep coming here if it helps, this is the BP forum most here understand and offer what help they can. If it doesn't fit you and were you are at that's ok. Been there and back, but look I'm here and relatively stable. I admitted to some people I see today that I'm BP. They took it well but the test will happen when I have an episode. Here on PC we've been though the ringer and understand much better. I'm not aware of judgment being handed out on this form, it might seem that way but I don't think it's ever meant that way.

Hang in there and do what you need to to get though this. If it does indeed need IP talk to your Pdoc. better to put reins on the BP than let it pull you over the cliff. Keep posting if that's what you need.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I haven't felt judged. I just know that I've been through so many conversations with real life people who say I have an excuse for everything. And the excuse really is that I've been being treated for 13 years, most of that not very successfully on the medication front. So I guess I just wanted to make sure people know I'm not just trying to be obnoxious or more obnoxious than the mania is making me without my knowledge. I have loved the support here and I don't want people to not want to give more because of my list of "done that's, can't do thats".

[cashart10]

You certainly have not offended me; I am just sorry you are suffering. Also, please don't think you are posting too much. I am the queen of posting too much, lol. But,I have plenty of support and plenty of friends despite what I deem as over posting. Please continue to post if it helps you. That is why we're here.

Seriously, no worries!

Even though we share a ton of common ground, understanding in ways that only fellow BPs can, still, everyone is an individual and has had their own experiences and history with this beastie we call bipolar. That's ok. I don't imagine there are many who haven't had problems with meds. Some more than others. But no matter what the level, there's probably someone that can relate. That's what it's all about.

And as far as posting a lot being manic-y? We're pretty used to that around here.

Welcome and don't worry. It's all ok.

I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy.

[Homeira]

I don't think you are posting too much, and you don't at all seem as someone with an "excuse for everything". You know yourself best, and only you (in the end), know if something will make sense for you to try. You have been through a lot, and I think it is great how you express what is going on with you. I don't think anyone is the least bit offended by anything you have written. You are great!

[Row Jimmy]

We all go through the same things. We are up and down......always hopeful on the upside and always guilty on the downside. It is nice to have a place to rant because not everyone around us is supportive. You're in a place where people get it!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thank you to everyone. Guilt is a heavy part of my episodes. It can be good because it helps me not do things that I shouldn't but it becomes overwhelming as time passes. I really appreciate the reassurances. I think that for some reason I blame myself that the normal approaches don't work for me.But that's not true. Medications don't work for me. Therapy is very beneficial and the right meds are great, it's just hard to find those meds.

On the very big plus side I just woke up from EIGHT HOURS of sleep and I think I'm going to fall asleep again if I don't feel less groggy soon. I guess that as the Emsam (AD) leaves my body the high dose Seroquel is getting a chance to work better. I only had to take half the valium last night as well. The only time I was awake my almost 20 year old, deaf, sometimes confused cat had been trying to wake me by knocking things off the shelf above my bed (she usually hits me so I must have been very sound asleep since this included a dry erase board, a bottle of pills, a book....but she succeeded in waking me when she tried to climb on the beside table and broke a glass. So I woke up from deep sleep to "glass breaking, huh?what?where? and then was up a while. The worst part is that she was meowing her head off and I couldn't move until it was mostly cleaned up and since she is deaf she doesn't get that I'm being soothing. And waking up to that plus a broken glass was a shock. But I got back to sleep and I really think I'm going to sleep some more now after I try to eat.

[Homeira]

Take good care of yourself! Big hug!

[avlady]

i think you are great for putting yourself out here. you can express yourself any way you want here, tell all your feelings and such etc... that's what this place is for. when someone isn't feeling so well about themselves or just have a problem it really helps to know someone here can relate, we've all been there before. i'm sorry you don't feel so happy with yourself, sometimes these thoughts are not lingering ones but you have to get through it and this is the best place besides a doc or t visit to get things off your chest. i wish you a good night and try to get a good nights sleep-sorry about the cat situation-i would have been so angry!!!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks AVLady. This has been a great place and I wish I'd tried it years ago.

The cat thing (besides breaking glasses) is so much a part of my night that I usually can almost sleep through it. She has kidney failure and eats a ton and needs fed sometime in the early morning. Since she really does need to be fed then I don't get upset. It was just not great that I had to clean up broken glass while groggy and that she keeps crying because she can't hear me talking. But she's confused sometimes at night and just can't help it.

Nonetheless I would have preferred to feed her while half asleep.