Grrr...

I'm kind of confused as to why your family is against you listening to music? Why? A lot of people are obsessed with music. My husband has boxes and boxes of cds in our closet.

Im obsessed with music...

(I haven't been following this thread very closely, so if there already has been an explanation as to why your family is anti music I apologize!)

I like music enough. I like sitting in complete silence more admittedly. My husband is a musician, so he's of course obsessed.

From my perspective you are clinging to music as some form of connection to reality. You are excessive with it but I think that finding anything that keeps your feet touching the ground when it is really bad like that is helpful. In the past I have knitted until my fingers couldn't do it anymore. Another time I snapped and canned 27 pints of green beans, cut up and processed tomatoes into 28 pints of spaghetti sauce and made 18 pints of homeade applesauce. I had cuts all over my fingers and blisters from the snapping and peeling but it was something on earth I was doing (and my mom operated the canner since I was way, way too high for that) and it was a connection to earth. It wasn't ideal because I was so excessive but it was what I felt drawn to do, to provide food for many months to come. I'm sure I've had others. Even in the hospital they've worked really hard to come up with things to keep my hands busy because that is such a big thing for me when I'm manic; if my hands are busy my mind becomes more chaotic.

Maybe letting your mom got the pdoc isn't so bad. Sometimes an outsider notices things you can't. When I was diagnosed it was through a mood disorders clinic that does research under a big-name bipolar specialist. I had to have someone with me who could confirm/deny what I was reporting. I was humiliated in a way but also so glad that I had someone to say what I didn't know. Too bad the person was already judging me nastily and I didn't know it, but at least it was someone at the appointment as required. That other person can help, especially when things are flying at the speed they are for you right now. And perhaps your mom can get him to see that all the stimulants are not good for you which would not be a bad thing at all. You say you cover well with the dr. I know how hard it is to NOT do that because it took actual lessons for me to stop doing it so I know that sometimes having someone who isn't covering there to talk is helpful. It's why I'm glad that if I get bad enough my therapist contacts my pdoc; it's easier when he has told her that things are really bad and why he thinks that.

Hoping for lots of rest tonight.

This is beautiful. I love this.

A couple of things

1. I am so jealous that your mom is there for you and trying to take care of you. I have never even told my mom about Bipolar. The relationship is not good (although in her unawareness she doesn't really know that). And when my cousin was dxed bipolar she had a very um bad reaction. You are really lucky.

2. I do think your music thing is mania driven obviously. But i do think we access some things while manic that we can't and others can't when not. I think in general we Bipolars have a different experience of even every day reality than the neurotypicals do. This does not mean I think it is okay to indulge mania. But it seems music is keeping you out of trouble. And it is serving as a way for everyone around you to have a measure of this mania. However it may now be fueling it so trying to rein it in my have a positive (though negative feeling to you right now) effect.

I know one of my signs I am manic to myself is when everything starts moving in time with the music that is on.

3. Last time I was really manic I did and said things to my best friend that I kinda kept from others and she probably understood more than others how dangerous it was getting. She didn't say anything to me though because she was afraid I would be mad at her. After I crashed and went through everything and gradually realized I was manic in that slow way you start remembering things that occurred in a drunken night and how bad it got, I was really upset with her (didn't tell her though) because I felt like she put her own needs before the need to keep me safe. I still can't believe she didn't say something to somebody about some of the stuff I said.

After being through this with you (yes we are all holding you through this. It is an honor though don't you dare feel bad about it) I am able to even more understand how she felt because I like you and I don't want you to be mad at me. But it is more important for you and your family to be safe.

It seems like the edges of this beautiful mania you are loving so much are starting to fray. You have kids, buddy. Please go to the hospital. Please listen to your mom and husband. Please follow the advice of all of these wise people here. Please. Please. Please.

4. I too have the lesbian pull while manic. Always have. Though I am not a very good lesbian when it comes down to it. If you know what I mean. Ha!

I think it's fine also. I told my mom that music is a part of me, it runs through me like magic (didn't even tell her everything, I knew she'd think I was more unwell than I am). She told me I needed to go to sleep without music because it is an unhealthy obsession and I told her it isn't possible because I can't handle silence (it's poisonous). And, it's so much worse at night.

That is a wonderful perspective and in a way you are right. Music has become my reality. I wish I had understood long ago what I know now. I don't think I will ever be depressed again and I believe that the music is making me fly high. It is enchanting and captivating, if not mystical. It recharges my soul every time I listen. I think when you understand how to feel music you can find joy. Thank you again for caring.

Oh, and I will let mom go as long as I get half the session without her. I do worry about what she will say though.

Thank you!

I am so blessed to have the support system I have, especially in my mom. I realize that is very rare and so sorry for you!

I would have trouble trying to rein this in because I believe that I've discovered the truth. I'm not sure there is anything to rein in. I do understand what you are saying though.

I entirely understand what you are saying about telling some one things and having them keep it to themselves. I was out of my mind delusional, took a six hour shower that I believe was The Lord using me to cast out demons. My husband stayed awake, terrified, but never told a soul. He said I had always been so "normal" and he was confused and didn't know what to do. Now he would scoop me off to the hospital in a flat second, which is why I don't tell him things. I am so sorry for you!

I definitely appreciate all of you more than you know. It is so hard to listen when it feels like nothing is wrong. I see my pdoc this week we will see what he has to say.

Oh and the klonapin worked but not as well I woke up only one time and not for long and pretty much got a full night. I woke up human too, ha! I did take my stimulant this morning I felt like I had to to counteract the klonapin I took this morning. Last night, my hubs was on me like a hawk to lay in bed and try to get to sleep.

That's all for now. Much love to you all!

I might have already mentioned this but not the details. My 7 year old was in the car when I was listening to # 1 Crush when she suddenly said mom, I thought this song was about Jesus, it isn't is it. I said no baby, it isn't. She said turn it off, it's evil. Then she asked me if she would be in trouble because it was stuck in her head. I told her no. I felt angry, not with her, but because I had to turn the song off. I actually told my mom about this and she was pissed. "Your musical fantasies better not have an influence over your babies." She's only 7 years old". Then she asked me the songs title and the band name. She had a cow that the band is called a Garbage and now she thinks she is going to filter what I listen to, or mostly, try to prevent me from listening at all. Today she asked me if I was listening to music and I said no, the kids were watching a movie. She said good, let's keep it that way, I didn't of course, I listened to the very song she told me not to. That is the biggest song. I own it; I feel it; I live it. I will not give it up.

I hope your appointment this week is productive and helps lead you toward getting well and not crashing.

I have to commend you for not doing any of the risky activities often associated with mania like drugs or extramarital sex or massive spending or traveling to random places in the world or running away from your family. I know you said something about driving too fast so be careful about that one, but otherwise good for you for finding something neutral and not dangerous to focus on and sort of ground you.

Thank you RisuNecko! Being a severe worrier helps prevent me from serious trouble unless and until I become psychotic. I have spent over a grand which for my poor family, is pretty devastating and I have been watching fairly ugly pornography which for me is pretty damaging to me and to my sex life. I am feeling paranoid today though, or maybe more than a little. I feel sick and like I just need help (disclaimer: this is not intended for religious debate). I just remembered this verse: If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, Matthew 8:6. My daughter was worried about that "evil song" being suck in her head causing her to be in trouble [with the Lord]. It was my fault and, I would have kept playing it if she hadn't said it. I even thought about playing it anyway. My views on music have torn me apart but, I can't give them up. They are my core. Plus, I have a strong desire for and (way TMI) I masturbate to women. I am cussing. I am listening to music I would have at one time avoided. I rarely go to church and have no relationship. My thoughts are very evil. Maybe I will go to hell? I am worried. I can't stand it. I feel like I need to hide.

A little bit more on exercise. I find that lifting weights helps me burn some fat. Muscle actually burns fat. It increases your metabolism. You will be more toned, and have more energy also. You dont need to lift heavy weights. Just two small light ones, do the reps properly and slowly. Best in combo with aerobic exercise though, but it is really important to take care of your muscles also. And drink a lot of water☺
And now, take this from a non-believer, if the god you believe in is the god of love, why would he condemn you to go to hell? You have an illness, and a god of love and FORGIVENESS would not punish you for that. That is what I was taught in Sunday - school when I was a little girl at least.
Not for religious debate, just giving my understanding of the Christian faith, since this seems to be on your mind.

It took me many years to realize that God is the God of grace. If He creates each of us as the Bible says then he will offer grace when we are imperfect because of an illness He created within us. I think it is as simple as that one sentence.

Maybe you can cross that worry off your list?

P.S. Is it wrong for a woman to fantasize about women? What is the difference between fantasies of men or of women? I think it is normal. And healthy. Like all sexuality is

P.S. II: Speaking of music,
"Shine on you crazy diamond" and "Learning to fly" with Pink Floyd.
"Wuthering Heigths" with Kate Bush.
And Springsteen's first couple of albums.

I hear what you are saying and logically I know you are right but I can't move past

Okay so you are finding out that you need to watch what music you have playing when your children can hear....that okay....its just like how I am sure you monitor what they watch on tv or movies that's just good parenting 101 Music can be the same, You can save the graphic stuff for when your children are sleeping or you can pop on some head phones/ear buds. That should keep your Mom off your backside for that issue.

I think your mania is taking a nasty turn cash. Do you have someone irl that can help you? Maybe talk to you and help you ground yoursel? If not I would try grounding exercises so you don't panic and get lost in this particular possible delusion. Breathe deeply and really feel the air moving in and out of your lungs. Then maybe try some progressive muscle relaxation.

I know what you mean. Logic is one thing and what is going on in our minds can be two very different things. A lot of things in the Bible should not be taken literally, IMO. And nobody is going to die. Especially not such a nice and caring person as you

I promise I am not delusional. That is why I am so open with you all. Everyone irl life would think I am delusional; in fact, they already do. I thought my pdoc appt was this week but it's not until next week. I tried to call and move it up to this week but he said they are simply overbooked. . If I start getting very paranoid, **** just goes to HELL! I see my therapist tomorrow and I will talk to her but I'm not sure what she will do. I feel like I am drowning. I am thinking that hypothetically God is letting this happen and what if I die? I'm afraid I am going to die. I know how conservative my pdoc is about the hospital and he will say I don't need to go and I don't want to go. I know it won't help. Maybe bricks on my chest will help. Maybe it will weigh me down to reality. I would look pretty stupid laying down with bricks on my chest though.

Aww..Thank you!