I went to bed praying that god take me in my sleep, Im not even religious. And then I woke up in the morning and felt even worse than the night before.

Yes I have been taking all my meds as prescribed - but I am lowering the clonazepam while adding the zyban/wellburtin, could this be why I feel so terrible? The anxiety is easy to manage its the depression I just cant bare.

I forced myself into my morning routine, I guess there will be a lot of forcing of coping skills today, Im just sick and tired of always ending up feeling bloody awful. There is no trigger in my life for this - everything in my life is going fantastic. Yet the mood is low and getting lower by the day - faster than "usual".

I feel like I cant breathe under the weight of this depression.

[cashart10]

That breaks my heart, Supanova. I am not sure the cause but I certainly wish I had a solution. I hope God does not take you in your sleep but I pray he does ease your suffering!

[Wander]

So sorry to hear you are feeling so down. Depression is hell. Is the Wellburtin an anti-depressant? If so I hope it kicks in soon. Forcing coping skills is a good strategy, even though it feels counter-intuitive at the time. Are you seeing your pdoc soon? Perhaps you should make him/her aware of what is going on so you can get on top of it asap. Hang in there! Keep posting.

I just saw my meds pdoc last monday and started lowering my clonazepam last wednesday then started on the zyban on friday.

I see my t/pdoc this thursday but not meds pdoc for another few weeks. He said if I needed to contact him I could via email or through our other avenues. I dont know what he could do besides up the clonaz again which I DO NOT want to do or take me off the zyban/welburtin but it is such early days. I really hope its not the zyban dropping my mood so fast. It is an antidepressant but Im using it both to quit smoking and lift my motivation and mood. None of which it has helped with yet. But like I said, only day 4...

I forced myself to get dressed and message a few people to tell them how I am feeling today and prepare if I need someone over here quickly. Im thinking craft and watching my tv shows will help me cope but I hate being so unproductive. And it is SO hard to force myself to do things.

I feel like I am being crushed under the weight of this depression and it is so frustrating that I cant pinpoint why. Could it really be the tiny drop in clonazepam? Pdoc wasnt too keen on my dropping it and would only let me drop .5mg but my brain doesnt work on 2mg a day, I want to be off it before next semester at uni so I have half a chance.

Im kinda at the point where I am screaming WHY?? Why do I feel like this? Why cant I just "think" it away like everyone else. So frustrating.

[BipolaRNurse]

"Everyone else" doesn't have bipolar. We can't think or pray or wish it away. Please don't beat yourself up.....you did nothing to deserve this!

I meditated for 2 hours, that took the pressure off my chest some but Im still really low and wondering how I will get through the rest of the day. Just live in hope that tomorrow will be better I guess. Im really fighting taking any prn, it depends if anyone is coming over after work... But no one has replied to my messages, they tend to do that when Im depressive.

[Woolly Bugger]

Hang in there Supanova! I took wellbutrin a long time ago and loved it. It really kicked my depression in the ***, but I think it took some time to work. I also quit smoking without even trying. I can't remember why my doctor took me off of it, though; perhaps because it was triggering my mania. Good luck and don't give up. Tomorrow will be better.

Thanks guys, it was a total fail of a day. After meditating I went back to bed and just rocked until I had to go feed the horse and my bf came over. He did dinner, Im still feeling low but the simple act of cuddling brought much relief from tensions I didnt even know I had. I cant wait to sleep tonight and start over tomorrow.

[jacky8807]

what else are you on for meds if any? I loathe depression like the rest of us here, because our type of depression is just unbearable at times. I fear it like the monster it is
but right now i have meds that are working with no side effects and im taking them like im suppose to (huge for me) and i feel better than i have in a long time. So keep hope, you will find your way i promise

[mom2trips+1]

I am so sorry you are fighting the depression. I wish we could "think" ourselves out of it; it just doesn't work that way. I recently started wellbutrin about 3 weeks ago and it helped a little so hopefully after a few more days you will see an improvement. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Today is a rite off too. I really really tried but ended up in hysterical tears. Taken prn and stayed in my safe zones so I don't si. I don't know anymore what to do to feel better I've done everything recommended to me I've used every therapy technique I'm trying these new drugs that just seemto be making me worse. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish it was over

Another day, and if its possible I have woken up worse. Pdoc today. I dont know if she will lock me up, I know I will put up a fight if she tries to... bad timing we have a long weekend coming up so if I get sectioned I will be there over the weekend. Im terrified to go to the appointment cos she will just know how bad I am when she sees me, a mess of hair and tears, Im not even bothering to get dressed today. Just going in what was closest to the bed on the floor. Im not functioning, I have a plan, date set time etc. I dont know if I tell her... This plan can be carried out in hospital so that wont make a difference. I am so so scared and sick and just feel awful.

[Nammu]

(((((Supanova)))))).

[Wander]

How did it go with your pdoc? So sorry to hear you are in such a bad place. I hope your doctor was of help. Take care.

[~Christina]

Hope your resting

Supanova I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so crappy...
How did your appt. go? Please stay safe, ok? Keep in touch -- I care and am very worried about you.

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry it's still hard for you Supanova and I know only too well it's easy enough for me on my side to say hang in there but it's really hard when you're on the other side experiencing this turmoil like you are.

I sentiment the same thoughts as the posters above me - how did you go with your pdoc?

I hope that you're able to find the much needed comfort that you deserve.

Spent most of the session with her trying to persuade me to go to hospital and me saying no. I know all they will do in hospital is drug me stupid, and my plan would work in hospital too - I actually think being there would make me do it, rather than at home where I second guess myself and can spend time with the animals. She made me promise a million times that I was safe, Im not but I wasnt going to tell her that.

She said meditate 3 times a day and watch a whole lot of tv... I am already doing that. I meditate up to 3 times a day for up to 2 hours a time and the tv is on 6 hours a day... That doesnt help me get any of the stuff I need to get done, done.

I cant function, I cant do my coursework, dishes, i cant even chuck my apple core over the fence to the horse cos I panic when I go outside during the day. I duno why its got like this, the only thing that has changed is the zyban but she didnt seem to think it was causing these symptoms. Im not so sure, I've got suicidal from new meds a few times before. Maybe it will pass?

She wanted me to have constant supervision which is not an option. So I've just stayed in bed meditating or rocking cos thats safe. But shes called some nurse who is supposed to check on me, I duno if it will happen.

I think these episodes are getting worse and the therapy we are doing is not helping, she says she sees improvement, I definitely dont, I feel worse everytime I trip into depression again.

[Wander]

Big hugs Supa

Do whatever you can to stay alive. I know it feels desperate and dark right now but it will pass. Your life is worth living. Don't give up! Please call someone if you are about to act on your thoughts. Whatever it takes to stay safe, do that. Be kind to yourself right now. Just getting through each hour is a victory worth celebrating. Hang in there.

I took it easy today. My bf will be with me all weekend. I managed to handle a knife and cook dinner tonight which would have been far too dangerous the last few days. I still had intrusive thoughts but I didnt feel like I would act on them so much.

Hey, that's progress--yea! Every bit counts.
Sending lots of encouraging thoughts your way

[jacky8807]

sending positive healing energy your way and no one can send energy like a person with bp

[Nammu]

It's old and often irritating advice, but remember to breathe. If everything is getting overwhelming sit somewhere safe and just block it all out, concentrate on breathing, in, out, in, out.....