[cashart10]

I do not understand why this death has had such an effect on me. I had such a positive outlook yesterday. I thought "look at how hard this has been on everyone; I could never do that; I will never do that."

Possible trigger:

Now today, I have just thought "I really know how she felt; I really ****ing understand grave desperation. I have experienced intense sorrow. I really get it. And I want to do the same thing; the exact same thing. It is so ****ing hard.

How am I supposed to deal with this? How am I supposed to process this? I don't know what to do except to cry. I don't even know what the **** I should tell my therapist. Despite the closeness we once had, I haven't seen her in at least 10 years. It shouldn't have this effect on me. But, I can only envision the happenings in my head and it makes me incredibly sad. How do you explain that to someone? I will look like an idiot. I just can't fight anymore.

This is the death and situation I am referring to, in case you want to read it:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/bipol...r-weekend.html

[Crazy Hitch]

I think that we all react differently when someone dies So this whole thing can seem very confusing to you.

Sometimes we do just suddenly "click" things and the penny drops and everything falls into place that we may not have seen before. And it can suck when it does and I'm sorry for you that this hit you so hard.

Crying is good sometimes it helps release what we are feeling inside.

Here's a thought.

I'm not sure how useful this will be for you.

When I'm stuck in a situation where everything has literally landed ontop of my head and I can barely breathe yet alone cry, I ask myself is there a completely different avenue I could be taking, where I could be doing something better? Or what can I do, from this point in time, to change things around? Because sometimes the point of realisation comes too late, when we're left with nothing but tears. Can you change direction into focusing / working on something? You show a lot of passion and care for others. I think that this is a very valuable trait that you possess.

Even if it all seems too much out there in terms of what you are looking at, may you find some inner comfort amidst the turmoil

[HALLIEBETH87]

Please..think of your children

[Nammu]

It doesn't matter that you haven't seen her in ten years, you knew her. Death is hard to comprehend when it's someone you know. It triggers memories.

[Wander]

In 2004 a friend of mine who was like a mentor for me died that way and all I wanted to do after that was the same thing despite the fact that I could see the devastation it brings. I was a huge mess. Our minds can play tricks on us, especially when under stress. Your desire to copy her is not uncommon but please remember it is not rational. You are loved and needed in this world. I really hope some light breaks through the darkness for you soon. I am so sorry you are hurting so much right now. Stay safe

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I think you said how you feel pretty well here and that's what you should tell your therapist. It doesn't matter if it has been 10 minutes or 10 years, shocking death is hard. Someone I hadn't seen since high school died of cancer about 5 years ago. I knew it was coming but when I got the email that morning I literally fell on the floor crying, knowing what the world had lost in this amazing woman who was an amazing girl when we were growing up. A teacher from my high school died in his sleep at a very young age about 3 months ago. He was a coach which was how I knew him. He was one of the kindest, my caring people ever. He'd had a prior brain aneurysm and he just didn't wake up so presumably he had a massive stroke in his sleep. Even after 2 months people still update his facebook page with messages about things he would like, how much he is missed, things that remind them of him, or of times he was kind to them, every day. I still cry when I think of that loss and again I hadn't seen him since high school which was over 20 years ago.

This is one more thing to take one day at a time. You are going to make it through this, it's just so hard right now.

[Iamalioness]

I am so sorry for your loss. Death is so tragic, especially when it's sudden like this. I hope you can find some peace in the midst of everything. Hugs.

[Skywalking]

We don't get to control how tragedies make us feel.

I have a job that brings me in contact with violence, death, crime, and tragedy. In one case, it was a teenager who robbed a store and was shot and killed by the store owner in self-defense. It hit me so hard, harder than nearly anything I've encountered before or since.

For me, it was about remembering what it was like being a stupid teenager doing stupid teenager things, and grieving that this particular stupid teenager's stupid teenage decisions got him killed. "That could have been me" was what struck a nerve. "I could have done something that stupid and gotten killed." I was so sad for his family.

This hit close to home for you. You're seeing yourself in this person in some ways. You're seeing the fallout of what suicide does to a family.

You're going to get through it. It hurts, but it doesn't hurt forever. You are not this person. This person is no longer in the world. You are. You can make your own decisions. You've decided to be here.

Learn what you can from this, and let the hurt fade with time. It really will. Going for long walks and having some hot tea, and talking about how I was feeling, helped me.

[wiretwister]

cashart you have had such a hard time lately it is no wonder this would hit you so hard , this will sound really weird but I envy you , you can express your feeling , you can cry to let the pain out , you have deep feelings , just need to channel that compassion into more positive ways ,

I can not feel , I did not ever cry or really even feel sad when my mother died , you need control but never deny your emotions ....

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

I'm not sure how useful this will be for you.

When I'm stuck in a situation where everything has literally landed ontop of my head and I can barely breathe yet alone cry, I ask myself is there a completely different avenue I could be taking, where I could be doing something better? Or what can I do, from this point in time, to change things around? Because sometimes the point of realisation comes too late, when we're left with nothing but tears. Can you change direction into focusing / working on something? You show a lot of passion and care for others. I think that this is a very valuable trait that you possess.

Even if it all seems too much out there in terms of what you are looking at, may you find some inner comfort amidst the turmoil

Thank you so much sweet heart. I am sad. I surely will overcome this sadness as I always do as long as I can stay safe. Thank you for your wisdom. You are right. Sometimes the point of realization does come too late. I hope I'm not there yet. I do need a different focus. I will have to meditate on what that will look like. You'd think it would be my family but for some reason I can't hold onto those, "you have an amazing family and you are so blessed" thoughts like I should. It makes me feel rather guilty, actually. I miss prayer and having deeply set faith. I miss it with my whole heart.

[Crazy Hitch]

Sometimes the logic behind words don't help me either (((cash))) - it's just words, after all - so I personally relate to what you say when you say "you have an amazing family and you are so blessed", .... yes, I have an amazing family too, a husband, 2 kids - I am blessed, I know this, but there's nothing like intrusive thoughts that suddenly fleet through our mind and throw us off course .... ughhh it can be hard when our vision is clouded by such thoughts.

I think faith is a journey.

It waxes and wanes much like the phases of the moon.

Sometimes what we need to see we simply can't. There's too much going on.

None the less we know the moon is always there.

We just have to look a little harder on some days to find it.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

cashart you have had such a hard time lately it is no wonder this would hit you so hard , this will sound really weird but I envy you , you can express your feeling , you can cry to let the pain out , you have deep feelings , just need to channel that compassion into more positive ways ,

I can not feel , I did not ever cry or really even feel sad when my mother died , you need control but never deny your emotions ....

Thank you for your advice! Skilled self expression is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes in my passion I overshare and that can be quite embarassing. Believe it or not, I have some depressions where I can't cry at all and some where all I do is cry. I must admit not being able to cry is very difficult. I am sorry for you.

[cashart10]

And, I didn't mean to be arrogant just then so I hope I didn't come across that way.