I don't know what to do

Are there other pdocs you can go to? like maybe the one youre waiting for can recommend some other trusted colleagues?

I am familiar with your situating. depression and panic hit me like a ton of bricks, so when I couldn't get an appointment I kept getting names until I did. And it worked out really well in the end. He actually gave a crap enough to see me off his normal hours.

There has to be something wrong with the system when so many of us with BP are terrified of going IP even when we obviously need it.

I don't know how much is the system and how much is us and our perceptions. Now that I'm in the depressed and not that badly phase of this infernal episode I sincerely wish that I had done as I planned one Monday about 6 weeks ago and gone to my Thursday therapy appt. ready to go in and said the words because my therapist was really worried and would have had my pdoc on the phone in minutes. I wish I'd done that because I would have greatly preferred that to not feeling so bad for so long and I would have missed the scariest paranoia/delusions. But at the time it seemed like it was so awful that I talked myself out of it. My perception of IP then was so different than what it is now; all I could think of is the ways it would be bad (agitated and no space to move, unable to sleep and they'd probably take away the valium that sometimes helped, no control when I most wanted control, the money for a co-pay, etc). Now I am glad I didn't go solely because it would have been unlikely I'd have been put on this med and I am doing well on it aside from the nausea after every dose but on the other hand I would have preferred to avoid the last 6 weeks or more.

I don't want to go IP because I was just IP in january of this year (for what the inpatient doctor called a mixed episode? But I wasn't depressed during it, just psychotic and scared and paranoid, so I think he may have gotten that wrong).

Anyway, I am feeling much better now, since I started the seroquel again.

I think there's something wrong with the system since so many of us need help, but it's so hard to find depending on where you live. Seriously, this pdoc I'm seeing next month is the only person I was able to find who would see me (and I had to get a referral from my GP, so what do people do who don't have a GP?!).

You make a solid point. The whole thing is so flustering. Sometimes I see other people who clearly need to go IP but who are in denial and being stubborn and making excuses and it just pisses me off. Because my parents needed to get psychiatric help but were too cowardly and selfish, convinced themselves that they were 'strong' and being martyrs when in reality they were selfish cowards who traumatized my brother and me both. But, even when I am having the worst dysphoric mania, I am too scared to go. And then I feel just as pissed off at myself. I hate it.

The hospital really isn't scary.

Just boring and expensive.

That is good to know Raspberry. Thanks. I have not been and have to admit am pretty terrified.

When you are pregnant you get to go take a tour of the hospital and they show you the rooms and everything etc so you can be less nervous right. We should be to take tours of the hospital we would go to if something happened. Ha

But seriously it would help me

I do think there is definitely something to this. I don't have an answer but things just need to be better. I know it is our perceptions too but our perceptions are shaped by stuff. I'm sure more could be done for us some way some how. I don't know.

How are you now? I know it has been a little while since your OP.

I have wondered often if it would be possible to do like a fake hospital at home situation. Which I guess basically would just be not being left alone. I don't know what else really. But is that possible. Can you just not ever be alone? And at work could you like have to text your husband every 30 mins or something to say you are ok. I don't know. I know that stuff isn't going to help you with the symptoms you are enduring but I just want you safe as do we all. Like maybe just try to set up some ways to keep you from yourself.

Oh and maybe cut out on as many stresses besides your job as possible....like paper plates etc. I don't know. I'm sorry if this is totally annoying unhelpful. I'm trying to think of what I would do. And yeah geez it just sucks so bad.

I'm just so sorry.

We're here

If you know where you would go if you had to be admitted you might be able to see pictures online. They didn't have any up before my first admission, did before my 2nd and then they've taken them down (not like I don't remember but when I thought I was going I wanted a look). And the hospital near here that I won't go to has pictures up and looks really nice (I just want my dr involved and that means her hospital). The pictures were calming for me. My pdoc was also willing to tell me about it which depends on whether your pdoc spends time there and knows. Some of what she told me wasn't completely accurate and some of what she thought was good I didn't like but the basic information was good. She also happened to be in before my first admission and told the nurses about me; turned out I was a lot sicker than she really knew and so they were a little surprised but it did get me a private room (heaven).

I worried so much about what it would be like for years and then it just wasn't that bad.

Some home health agencies will provide in-home psych care. Combined with IOP it can help people stay home with a a lot of extra support. For example I remember people who had IOP every day (and IOP there provided transportation so there was also bus time), then psych nursing 2-3 days per week for an hour or so each time, me for 2 hours per week and possibly others (medical nursing, social work often, PT occasionally) each for an hour or two a week. They could set up pill boxes that worked automatically to keep people safe from overdoses and provide general support and structure. IT wasn't all the time and people certainly needed more care than we provided but it was a pretty full schedule. The company I did this through was Amedisys; I have no idea if other home health companies offer as comprehensive psych services although logically some must since it's pretty lucrative although staffing intense so less lucrative now that I think about it. Probably not very much at all in fact. But we still did it.

Thanks this is very helpful to me

Omg this is awesome. What a humane program. Especially when there are little children at home. I worry that I would do the thing where I would feel better and then feel all weird like when you stay home from school and then have to act sick because you know, you stayed home from school. I'd probably be all like "I'm so sorry you have to come here....."

Sorry for hogging your thread with my questions Rasp. Don't hesitate to be like get out of here and start your own dang thread.

How are you today?

Some people were like that but they generally knew it was helpful we were coming.

I enjoyed it because it was usually a patient I could help and sometimes we made a big difference.

If you want to read about an admission written as it happened you can read my blog posts from my first admission. I thought that I had put this all neatly into a heading on my home page but I guess not; however if you go to the link and keep hitting next you'll go all the way through. The early entries are from my friend Julia who posted coherent versions of what I emailed her until I was able to post. The admission was for going on an MAOI (which means coming off any other ADs) so it was a little unusual in that it is not that suicidal and the one suicidal thing that happened that time isn't in the blog (they gave us paperclips accidentally and I had to toss mine into the heating vent because I wanted to use it in a dangerous manner). It's not quite as much about the experiences (groups, groups, groups) as it could be but it's what I was able to discuss from back then. The link to start is Master of Irony: Ready

and it is about 10 days long.