[cashart10]

So, I'm a liiiittle special. I should not be allowed to send 4AM emails. This is what I sent to my pdoc.

Yes; I am sending you an email at 4 AM. Why? Because I left OLP after waiting (literally) more than 5 hours, feeling mostly paranoid of the vast amount of people and the overwheming sea of voices, for an intake assessment. What were the results of the assessment? Oh, just that the psychiatric IOP is full and I shoud contact you for directions. Joy! My favorite part was when the person doing the assessment said "I know of only one place that may do evening IOPs, but it is mostly for the severly mentally ill." (Read, "I know of only one place that may do evening IOPs, but it is not for cute, polite, little nicely dressed red heads") Now, I'm not exactly living on the streets but Good Lord does that drive me insane; I hate when someone assumes I'm not that sick because of how I look!!!

As for the IOPs, you and I were both correct. They do offer an evening IOP but it is only for substance abuse/addiction. I thought you might like to know about it still since you have many substance abuse patients (I've included OLP's program schedule at the bottom of the email).

Now, what else can I do to feel safe? I told OLP that I had suicidal thoughts
without intent because I am not stupid and didn't want to get admitted.

Possible trigger:

However, I am crawling out of my skin and apparently self harm is not politically correct.

But seriously (I'm sure I will regret that statement in the morning when I am thinking like a rational human being). I am sorry; I am hugely mentally exhausted. Undoubtedly though, I need to do something. Also, will Haldol knock me out? I need to know in case I have to take it during the day when I have all of these kids. Sorry to bombard you with so much at once, I am simply concerned.

As always, thank you so much for everything. Did I mention recently that I think you are exceptional doctor?

[Crazy Hitch]

I like your email.

I think you get your point of view across succinctly here.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad you wrote an email to him.

[jacky8807]

good email
i had haldol once but it was a shot........and knockout was not the word lol
but the pill form is probably slower acting

[Wander]

I really like your email. I hate the fact that you have to suffer so right now.

[HALLIEBETH87]

One time I went to olop for assessment and the wait was hoooooouuurs. I ended up downtown ip. It was what I needed though. Sorry it didn't work out. Maybe you really need io at this point? There's more options!

[~Christina]

Well.. I am going to be blunt.. Because someone was blunt with me once and saved my life. My husband didn't wind up a widow, My daughter didn't wind up without a Mom.

I think when push comes to shove you appear "more well" than you really are, probably a default setting in your brain, I have been guilty of it many times. Last night was a perfect snap shot of your ability to basically shrug all this hell off.

Now really...... is going IP so terrible that you can't bear it for 5-7 days? Can you not see that your practically setting yourself up to fail? It is a proven fact going IP will give you that access to an IOP program, fact ! You have been off the rails for far too long. Your not safe alone. Your not safe for your kids. You seem more worried about upsetting your precious Pdoc than fighting for the immediate help that you.

Your Pdoc is being reckless. Your frantic basically all the time, I have watched you for almost a month now having more and more trouble. Your music is your friend and certainly your trigger. You are disassociating on daily basis on your threads.

You Pdoc is reckless. Clozaril really is a last resort medication. It is something that should never be a treatment until everything else is exhausted, and certainly for safety it should only be started when a person is IP , so that you can be monitored 24/7. This medication is a heavy hitter than can leave you with life long medical problems.

You are suicidal. Your desperate, frantic and need help. It's simple pack a bag with your comfy clothes, a pic of your family, and your toothbrush. Go to the ER and say... I am suicidal ....... 3 words that will help you take back your life.

I am sorry if I have upset you, not my intention... rattle your cage a bit, sure. I hope that you think to yourself... If someone was having all these problems what advice would I give them ?

[HALLIEBETH87]

Yes. That^

[raspberrytorte]

cash - Is it possible that all the medication you're on is making your condition worse and actually causing your psychotic symptoms? Don't know. Just a thought.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Well.. I am going to be blunt.. Because someone was blunt with me once and saved my life. My husband didn't wind up a widow, My daughter didn't wind up without a Mom.

I think when push comes to shove you appear "more well" than you really are, probably a default setting in your brain, I have been guilty of it many times. Last night was a perfect snap shot of your ability to basically shrug all this hell off.

Now really...... is going IP so terrible that you can't bear it for 5-7 days? Can you not see that your practically setting yourself up to fail? It is a proven fact going IP will give you that access to an IOP program, fact ! You have been off the rails for far too long. Your not safe alone. Your not safe for your kids. You seem more worried about upsetting your precious Pdoc than fighting for the immediate help that you.

Your Pdoc is being reckless. Your frantic basically all the time, I have watched you for almost a month now having more and more trouble. Your music is your friend and certainly your trigger. You are disassociating on daily basis on your threads.

You Pdoc is reckless. Clozaril really is a last resort medication. It is something that should never be a treatment until everything else is exhausted, and certainly for safety it should only be started when a person is IP , so that you can be monitored 24/7. This medication is a heavy hitter than can leave you with life long medical problems.

You are suicidal. Your desperate, frantic and need help. It's simple pack a bag with your comfy clothes, a pic of your family, and your toothbrush. Go to the ER and say... I am suicidal ....... 3 words that will help you take back your life.

I am sorry if I have upset you, not my intention... rattle your cage a bit, sure. I hope that you think to yourself... If someone was having all these problems what advice would I give them ?

You did not upset me. You know that I am not easily offended. As well, I am crazy about you and I am equally crazy about your opinion. I am also as stubborn as hell. You certainly did rattle my cage because even as I sit here reading this, I think

Possible trigger:

about taking my life

. Even your post (and this isn't to make you feel badly, only as an example) makes me feel like doing it, only because I am so low that any criticism makes me loathe myself...makes me feel like a terrible individual, makes me feel worthless, makes me feel like I am undeserving of this life. I have to be careful though, one of my daughter's friends, who I am keeping during the summer days, is here so I really can't cry (I just started to cry and had to wipe away my tears--it's no easy task at the moment). I have no idea what "dissassociating" means. Do I really need to go to the ER AGAIN? Can't I wait for a response from my pdoc? It really is VERY complicated for me to IP. I understand that it is better than being dead but we are working on some good deterrents and it really has to be a LAST resort. I know you talk about me in terms of my "precious pdoc" but it is very difficult to sever such a firm relationship. Yesterday in his office I told him "I don't want to make you feel guilty, but I don't want to leave." Then I just cried. He asked me if I needed to stay (and he absolutely would have let me) but I said no because I knew he obviously needed to see other patients. It is very hard for me not to trust him. I asked the pharmacist about this medication and he told me you have to have blood work done weekly (because it causes some sort of sometimes fatal blood disorder) and sign a release to use it but it often works very well. I know certainly that my pdoc is tired of seeing me suffer. He has known me since I was 15 and he knows my history, he has witnessed the worst of my struggles. He also knows (or claims) that I metabolize meds slowly and this is why I take such high doses with little effect and almost no side effects. He just wants me better as quickly as possible and he's struggling with that. I am frantic all the time, I realize that, and you are ABSOLUTELY right that I don't show it. The other night when I realized I was hearing a voice that wasn't real, I was extremeley distressed. I waited and, by the time I saw my husband, I calmly told him I had started hearing a voice. I am now hearing voices; I've heard that woman's AND a man's voice speaking and some back ground noise at least 3 times since I've been typing this. I want to run in the corner and rock like a cradle every time it happens but instead, I do nothing, except get on here and, when applicable, cry...a lot. I just really don't know what to do and frankly, the last time I was IP was for a week and it did pretty much nothing. I came out of the hospital feeling the same as I went in the hospital. If I could really hug you, I would; I appreciate that you care and I appreciate your concern. My sister is researching all of my meds right now and I think I am going to invite her to my next pdoc appt. She is a lion of a woman and she will fight on my side with tooth and nail (as will my mother). This will be straightened out; I also will not leave my family alone, even if every inch of me says otherwise. All of my love.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I think you're at last resort level and need ip.

I'm not going to respond to your threads any longer.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

I think you're at last resort level and need ip.

I'm not going to respond to your threads any longer.

I will continue to respond to yours, Hallie Beth. Because it is my pleasure to support and validate you. All of my love.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I will continue to respond to yours, Hallie Beth. Because it is my pleasure to support and validate you. All of my love.

How passive-aggressive of you.

[loophole]

I was denied iop for similar reasons... I look above average and my wife as well (she went with me to the "interview" I was so bad off I don't even remember my wife being in there with me besides the fact she told me later... Wife was scared to come home and called our pastor because she didnt want to bring the kids in the house because she thought I may of killed myself.. But we look like up and coming people... So nope can't get iop. What a crock huh? 2 days later I went IP . Wouldn't you know it after ip they let me in iop for a month.... I feel your frustration

Sent from my iPhone 6 plus using Tapatalk

[cashart10]

Please don't let this thread turn into an arguement or animosity. That is the last thing I want. Hallie Beth, it really is my pleasure to support you. You have never known me to be passive agressive and I think you know me well enough, at least on here. You hurt my feelings, which is easy to do right now, and I just wanted you to know that, despite that, I still care. Love to you all.

[raspberrytorte]

Is there a refferal you can get from your pdoc? Can he get you into IOP? When I was in it my doctor at the time just told me I needed it and got me into IOP (and then I ended up IP. Guess I went the other way around! lol).

[Victoria'smom]

I also look well no matter what.you going to write a long post generally because this matters to me a lot. I have avoided inpatient for well over 3 years. a new state. and I have been inpatient to times within the past 6 months. my experiences both times with the same teams we're completely different.

the first time all I said was "I am psychotic I need my meds changed." I was there for 4 days and they completely changed my medication. it helped me a lot. I came home too depressed husband, and son who hadn't taking his medicine in 3 days, and a destroyed house. luckily I was well enough to get back on track and get my husband and son well. unfortunately the medication put me into a depressed state instead of normal. instead of going in again when I realize that I was in trouble I waited until my psychiatrist was going to commit me involuntarily.that time I was in for 10 days it really did that help. but since I was in there I was able to think about my family and how it is not my choice to commit suicide.I don't believe it is selfish as everyone was telling me but I do believe that its not my choice its a family choice and I'm not allowed to make decisions not affect my family without their input. the second time I was inpatient I had written a note to tell my Dr exactly what I was thinking. I was told to hand that in when I went to the er. I handed it over at triash and was admitted. it was extremely hard for me to be admitted the second time because I know the outside world explodes when I'm not there. however if I'm not well or dead I'm not there. it's not fair to you that you feel like you can't get help solely from outside sources. it's not fair to your family that you are sick. and it's really not fair that you have to go through this anguish. you need to give impatient a second chance to save your life and make you well. you need a fresh eye on your medication. I'm not saying that you're going to get out anytime soon but you need this and your family needs this. if you do not want to say that you are suicidal then go in and say I'm psychotic. those two little words will get you in. I'm not saying its not hard, I'm not saying that your husband is not going to have to find someone to take care of your children while you were gone. is FMLA an option for him currently. I know it will cause financial troubles but it'll help you get well and then go help you get your needs met. I'm sorry I don't trust your current Dr. I feel that he heeps medication on top of medication. inpatient will add and subtract medication to what you need. I never went inpatient I would not be taking a shot right now that has stabilized me. this is your chance to get a complete overhaul of your medication to a cocktail that helps. you need to take this opportunity psychosis can get really bad really fast. you don't want to hurt yourself or your family and the best way to prevent that is inpatient. you can go back to your doctor after it but currently you need new eyes and help finding a new psychiatrist if that's what you choose. I don't hear anything about your therapist anymore so I don't know where he or she stands on how you're doing. you look well but you're not. take the stuff that you sent you psychiatrist because it's already in your file, take it to the er and handed in. this is the easiest way and the most helpful wayfor you to get your needs met. take it from someone that is always on that side of the fence, I'm "always well", I never need intervention, I'm the rock , the glue that holds my family together. I think you in the same situation it wasn't for PC I would not have gone too inpatient twice. and I expect them to kick my *** next time I have to go inpatient. so this is me kicking your *** to the ER.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Miguel's mom makes a lot of good points.

I think that if you took a poll on here you'd be nearly 100% at "we think you need IP and a different dr at the very least looking at your meds and giving an honest opinion about them as well as discussing Clozaril honestly with you". Maybe your dr's issue is that he is too compassionate? That would help explain your mixed feelings. I'm not sure why he hasn't hospitalized you if you've expressed intent. I thought that was a pretty straight ticket into IP. But maybe that's my drs.

The judging how people are doing based on looks or other characeteristics is so stupid. I once had a pdoc who didn't diagnose bipolar because she thought if I could get a master's degree and work in healthcare I was too well to be bipolar. I was going home from working and climbing into bed in my filthy scrubs and eating (often cold) chef-boy-r-dee only b/c it was the easiest food. (So gross). She was very, very wrong.

Can you think about what you would say if it were someone else? Wouldn't you be worried and want them to get the help they needed however they could? If IOP is not an option that doesn't leave much else but IP and so that's how you can get it.

I think that's how we all feel about you (I'm guessing about others of course). We just want you to feel better, whatever it takes for that to happen. You've tried home care, you've tried for IOP, that just doesn't leave much else but IP and it doesn't negate that you still need help.

You're going to feel better but you have to take that awkward, painful step first.

[raspberrytorte]

Just go IP. Do it and get it over with. I feel like it's becoming inevitable anyway. Like miguel'smom said, psychotic symptoms can just get worse and worse, and then the next thing you know there are police officers at your door asking if you're going to cooperate and EMS people and an ER that is out of network but no one will listen to you because your husband told everyone you're delusional and have been having hallucinations, and then once you've been physically stabilized end up handcuffed in the back of a squad car and end up in a different ER in handcuffs with two police officers and get escorted up to the psychiatric ward by a security person and the two police officers.

Sorry. It's just easier to go willingly and not end up on hold.

(And not have a million people ask you if you're going to cooperate. lol)

[raspberrytorte]

Seriously, sooner you do it, sooner you'll get it over with and hopefully leave on a less weird med combination and hopefully feeling much better.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

cash - Is it possible that all the medication you're on is making your condition worse and actually causing your psychotic symptoms? Don't know. Just a thought.

Yes...I asked another online doctor that very question and he said that the Vyvanse could possibly cause and/or worse psychotic symptoms. I planned to bring it up to my pdoc at my next visit.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Apparently even high doses of anti-psychotics can cause psychosis in a baffling conundrum....Someone (don't remember which dr or both) thought my paranoia might be related to my Seroquel dose (which while super high was NOT much higher than my usual dose where I've never been that psychotic in an episode) and it did seem to improve when the Seroquel level came down. So your Abilify (which is activating and therefore it would make sense for it to be even more so) could be a problem too.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by loophole

I was denied iop for similar reasons... I look above average and my wife as well (she went with me to the "interview" I was so bad off I don't even remember my wife being in there with me besides the fact she told me later... Wife was scared to come home and called our pastor because she didnt want to bring the kids in the house because she thought I may of killed myself.. But we look like up and coming people... So nope can't get iop. What a crock huh? 2 days later I went IP . Wouldn't you know it after ip they let me in iop for a month.... I feel your frustration

Sent from my iPhone 6 plus using Tapatalk

I am so sorry that happened to you...what a terrifying experience. It is ridiculous, isn't it? I feel like it is very possible my pdoc will have me go IP if there are no other IOPs that accept my insurance (and I don't think there are, but I certainly hope). He even mentioned a DBSA group but thought that was likely too low a level of help.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I did the support group (NAMI for me) as replacement for IOP thing. It didn't work too well. I needed so much more than a peer group could give. It was a last attempt to get something going for me because I couldn't get into an IOP since there wasn't one reasonably close to home and the only one possible did not meet my needs at all (they wouldn't let me see my own drs and that's an absolute requirement for me; nobody messes with my meds but my own pdoc or the hospital one who is in contact with her).

I can't see that working for you either, not the way you are feeling right now. Peers can't help with suicide or psychosis and you need help with both of those.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Is there a refferal you can get from your pdoc? Can he get you into IOP? When I was in it my doctor at the time just told me I needed it and got me into IOP (and then I ended up IP. Guess I went the other way around! lol).

I'm hoping I can get a referral. I am hoping this email will show him I will need one (although I wrote on my paperwork that my pdoc requested it in the first place). Last night, when I told the peerson doing the evaluation that I needed to do an IOP, he said "you just want IOP? We like IOP requests," he said. Then he didn't even go through the evaluation, he just said he would just keep the same answers from my last visit as long as there have been "no major changes." Then he said, "I'll get you the IOP referral and you can be on your way (after 5 1/2 hours of waiting, of course)." That's when he came back and said "sorry, the IOPs are full and sent me home with nothing."