How do you make sense of life when, in fact, life has failed you in each and every aspect of the sense? From being molested twice as a child by three different other kids. Too being forced sexually (twice later as an adult) to do something in which you do not wish to do once you are already in the act. As well as being hit by a moving vehicle when I was seven years old, and run down by yet another vehicle in my early 20's

Trying hard to live each and every day with a positive attitude despite the fact you do your best not to go home after work every single day, put the barrel of a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Or, stand in front of on coming-moving traffic.

No matter how hard you try, or how hard you attempt to stay as positive as you can, there is always someone, or something around the next corner waiting to slam you with yet another fist to the face

I'm at work, and I just have to share with happened between me and a coworker just now. They walked up and asked if I still had food and if they could talk me out of some. Sure, it's right there in front of ya, I said. Can I have some, they asked. No, I just told you its right there so you can just stand there and drool over it. In shock they were like, damn Clay. Way to keep a positive attitude.

Upon which they go on to say, I’m trying to do the best I can in life to stay as positive and do the best I can do in life. Hope it works out for ya, I said. Damn Clay, really? Upon which, I walk over and tell them in their ear.

Despite the fact I am forced to work a job I longer wish to be in, and the fact, I have to turn on that microphone and sound as happy-go-lucky as possible even though that is so far from the truth? I'm on the verge of going home tonight, putting the barrel of a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. T hats my positivity in life right now.

Of course they go through all the pleasantries, oh if you ever need someone to talk too, I'm here for you. And, life ain't that bad. I walked back over and in their ear I say, You don't know my life, nor do you know me, so don't pretend you understand what I’m going through right now and walked away.

Three days ago, I had an appointment with a local center for those suffering with mental illnesses and such, yet upon showing up for my appointment, the person that was supposed to see me that day (for whatever reason) couldn't see me that day. 3 days later I finally get a call back and told they are no longer accepting assigned scheduled assessments.

They are, at this time, doing whats known as Open assessments. Where I have to show up each day and stand around with a bunch of strangers. Due to it being first come, first server, hope that I get seen that day. I've since opted out of that option. As I've had a bad experience with a different company in the same building years ago.

Not to mention I have a hard time walking past my front door at times, even going to the local grocery store to get much needed food and supplies. Right now, I think I have a bag of carrots, a mango, and some lettuce in my fridge. There is, of course, rice and beans in the cupboards. But still, I have very little in my home to eat.

So, showing up and some new business in town, standing around with a bunch of strangers is simply out of my ability in which I can do at this time. I was handed the paper work for this place back in January of this year. It took months to get it all filled out, and it took a lot of courage to bring myself to walk in the front door of this place to seek out help.

Upon which I was told, it will be another 2 months I will have to wait to be seen. Well, I waited my two months, and still wasn't seen when I showed up. Never mind the fact that years ago i walked in this building (under a different company) I was basically told by the person doing my Intake that day, They didn't think anything was wrong with me.

And then had the audacity to ask if i wanted to file for disability. I wouldn't think they would approve me for disability, do you, i asked? No, I don't, he replies. Doesn't hurt to try however, he continued. Needless to say, I didn't go back for another session after that

Although I understand this new company is only doing their best to help those in need, when, most people aren't showing up for their scheduled appointments. Yet, I don't get why I must suffer and jump through hoops for the help, when in fact, I did what others aren't doing. Showing up for their scheduled appointment.

I walked into my bosses office today to share what has transpired in the last 24 hours, upon which he tells me, that is life and the problems that arise in life. You just have to deal with those hard to deal with problems is all. While what he had to say made perfect sense. I couldn't help but thinking to myself right then, ya and that’s why some people in my situation cant handle it and commit suicide.

Which I have attempted many times in my life thus far.

I really don't know where I'm going with all this. I'm just trying to stay as strong as I can, yet continuing to deal with the fact I have absolutely no support system. Each time I get to this point of feeling like giving up and just ending it all. There is no one I can turn to too talk with.

I have to attempt to struggle through the overwhelming emotions. All the while, coworkers and random people say things like. There goes clay again, being soooo mellow dramatic. Or, there he goes again complaining. Get over it, grow a pair and man up.

I've even had the pleasure of being in the same vehicle with a group of older men, as I was driving cab then. All laugh and go on about how messed yup bipolar people are. One said, all bipolar people should be round up, put on their own deserted island far from normal people and nuked off the face of the planet. Just gotta love how some people can be, right?

:-( (-:

[ensconce]

Well, I hope you don't go through with some of the stuff you said. I suppose the only thing keeping me here on this planet is my mental illness, I feel nothing at all. My life too is always full of problems and people making it more difficult plus my mental issues, I too have thoughts like yours but all we can do is keep on truckin man. Its hard but we have to keep on truckin.

[Edgar's Mom]

KasparBlue I do hope you keep yourself safe until this passes. These dark periods always pass... you know that even when you feel like it never will. They always pass.

If you are making plans to commit suicide you need to reach out and talk to someone. Do you have a doctor or is that whole process you were describing what is keeping you from one? Can you go to emerg when you feel suicidal?

You are not alone. We are here and we know how you feel. We've all been there. It sucks and it's a very dark place but those feelings will go away. So keep posting and hang in there.

(((((((((HUG))))))))))

Lisa

[A Red Panda]

Ok, so some of your post was a bit hard for me to understand fully, so take that in mind with my reply as I may have mis-read a few things.

Did you actually go and whisper things into people's ears? Or were you just thinking them? Because..... well, the stuff you say you've said is definitely the way to push away any potential help. Have you ever tried to actually become friends with any of your coworkers? If they're offering to listen..... have you tried taking them up on it? Like... not telling them alllllll the deep dark secrets, but you can share bits and pieces to start building up some trust.

Sorry to hear that the mental health facility is.... well, nuts and disorganized. I think a lot of us would find that stressful!!!

What exactly were you telling your boss? I'm not sure on that - were you telling your boss about the mental health place?

What sort of a response would you have liked from your boss? What were you wanting to get through telling them about what had been going on? It doesn't seem like there was much your boss could do for you, regardless of if they would even want to or not. All they could possibly give you would be the cliche sayings that drive all of us nuts!

[CopperStar]

To keep as a last resort, instead of committing suicide, go to the emergency room. They have to listen to you, and they have to take you seriously.

[Sesiley]

Be optimistic....look at the positive in every way you can...

I been molested twice. My Lil sis dad and a preacher. I was verbally and emotionally abused and had schitzoaffective disorder what seems to be my whole life. I say...stuff like...well, maybe I was late to work bc I was going to be in a wreck and die. You, you sound like you have stayed alive for a reason. You have a purpose.

Please don't hurt to urself. Go to the hospital. A crisis unit even.

And a lot of people have mental problems. There are names for about everything now days. Who ever said that was rude....mental illness and addiction are sadly misunderstood. They aren't choice or excuses

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G750A using Tapatalk

Hi Kasper, I hope you feel better. Please go to the ER if you are suicidal, ok?

For me, life has made such incredible turns that I'd have never guessed. I wouldn't have guessed that both of my parents would be deceased by the time I was in my 30s and that I would not know if my brother was homeless, in jail, or dead. I wouldn't have guessed that I borrowed 100k in student loans to become a lawyer and after achieving that later having to quit practicing law because I'm permanently disabled and on SSDI. I wouldn't have guessed that my marriage of 17 years would destruct along with financial stability. I wouldn't have guessed I'd have neck and back surgery in my 30's with two total disc replacements and still be in pain every day.

I figured it would have gone a hell of a lot better than that and that is not including my abusive childhood ^ lol it's a *facepalm*

But, that's where life went for me so I find the positives where they exist: I have a lovely daughter that I have 50% custody, I have a wonderful boyfriend of several years now, I'm no longer married to a malignant narcissist, I love reading and helping others, I have a close girlfriend that I can chat with for support and about girl stuff, I have two awesome Maine Coon cats.

I think life has also given you a sour deal in many respects and I'm not trying to hijack your thread. I'm trying to say that things often turn out in ways we didn't expect, but we can still find goodness in some of the rubble. I know it is the glass half-full speech but it's true.

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Well, yesterday was the first "good" day I've had in about 2 weeks. Although I cant say dealing with the center in town has been stress free. Will eloberate later on that. Also, wanted to thank everyone for reading and replying. I will add more to this later. Just popped in real quick to say I'm doing ok for now. Don't know if it's my mania, or the energy vitamin pack I took yesterday before work. Whatever it is, I'm loving it. :-)

[Standup2me]

This is going to sound shallow, but I've long given up trying to make sense of it all
because when I try I feel like my life isn't worth the effort it takes.
I just can't make sense out of something that is so nonsensical.

[Blackbeltwolfmother]

This might not be very helpful, but are you on meds? Do you have a doc you can see? Because whatever you're on, if anything, clearly isn't doing the trick and I feel certain that the right ones would really help.
Having a therapist as well would b ideal, but start with meds at least! Please!

Hugs

Thank you all again for taking the time to read this thread. While each of us is different. Please remember, what works for one person may not work for another. Yes, my issues cause me a lot of problems in my life, however I do the best I can do within' my ability to function in today's society.
No, i don't see a therapist, or take any medication. And, before you go on to say it works for you and that I should seek professional help. I, on the other hand, have been in and out of the so called Professional's offices. I have helped myself far more then any Professional ever has.
Sure, the way my life is, or the way I live it may not be ideal for most people. Yet, it works for me for the most part. Yet, with anything in this life, there is always draw backs to everything we do, or don't do.
That being said, the few draw backs i deal with/ face. One, isolation. Due to how I live my life I don't get out much. I'm suffer from Agoraphobia (among other things) I spend an unreal amount of time isolated and alone within' these four walls I call my home.
And two, not being able to handle much, if any, human interaction without being triggered in one way or another. Along with my Agoraphobia I also have Complex-PTSD. While I never served in the Armed Forces or seen combat. My life has been less then ideal since I was very young
From time to time I often think back to my childhood and all the boyfriends (or whatever they were) my mother had as I was growing up. One of them I had pleasant memories of. I attempted to find him on Facebook awhile back. Found his sister first and asked if she remembered me.
In fact, she did and went as far as to say. To be honest, I didn't think you would survive your childhood and live to be an adult. Which had a profound impact on me reading those words. Gave me a since that my life growing up as a child was far worse then I thought it was. Which is why I have the PTSD.
We all have a story to tell about our lives however, so I wont bore with mine. I just wanted to give you all some perspective is all. Not to mention, no medication (regardless of what it is) will work 100% of the time. I have done a lot of research on medication in the past, and Id rather do what works for me other then what does not. I've been on med's in the past and nothing as worked thus far.
What bothers me is the overwhelming loneliness I get wrapped up in at times from having to live my life like this. Anyways, enough of my bantering. Again, thank you all for reading and comments. Hope you all have, or had a wonderful day