[One More Day]

I am embarrassed to even admit this anonymously on this forum. I drew the lucky card when it came to the risky behavior I would engage myself in when in a state of mania and hypomania. It's sad really. Pathetic even. I am a mother of three beautiful children. A professional who works full time. A respected volunteer and member of my community. Married to my high school sweetheart for over 19 years. And I have had too many indiscretions to even know where to begin telling you about them.

The guilt and shame is unbearable and only magnify the low when it comes. The secrecy of the magnitude to which this behavior has developed is the hardest to deal with. I need to talk, I need to 'confess my sins' to someone but, I can't risk anyone finding out. I am too embarrassed to talk to my therapist anymore about these indiscretions. I just don't know what to say anymore. Over the past 8 years they have progressed from flirtatious behavior to full out affairs. I feel like I am falling apart at the seams. My family, marriage and reputation are all at stake here. You would think that would be enough to stop me, but I just keep stepping further over that line.

Are you on any meds? It seems like you are still experiencing a lot of behavior that is on the hypomanic side.

Do meds help at all with the sexual urges?

When I am manic, I don't cheat. Then again, I haven't been in a relationship for several years. But when I am in a relationship I just want tons of sex.

[Edgar's Mom]

First of all ((((((HUG))))))

I'm really sorry that you are having such a hard time :-( It sounds like you are on a precipice and I'm wondering if you see anyone? Do you have a doctor and are you being treated? Are you diagnosed and getting the medical support you need? I'm assuming that you are either diagnosed BP or suspect that you are...

It sounds like your illness is running your life and I get the feeling that there is some urgency for you to get help before it comes crashing down.

"You would think that would be enough to stop me, but I just keep stepping further over that line."

If it were that easy for us to control our behaviour/moods we wouldn't be here. From what I've read here, most of us engage in behaviour that we don't feel in control of when we are ill or episodic. That's when it's important to get professional help. This is a real illness... a medical issue that needs medical attention.

I hope you get the help you need and please keep us posted about how you are doing.

[Curiosity77]

I feel for you, because that was a problem for me before meds. You are not alone. I can still be wild, but within what i am comfortable with. Hugs

[One More Day]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

Are you on any meds? It seems like you are still experiencing a lot of behavior that is on the hypomanic side.

Do meds help at all with the sexual urges?

When I am manic, I don't cheat. Then again, I haven't been in a relationship for several years. But when I am in a relationship I just want tons of sex.

I am on meds. A mood stabilizer and two different anti depressants. The medication has certainly helped with the indiscretion but it has not stopped it completely. I have been on the meds for about 7 years now. In those seven years I have relapsed 4 times. Each time riskier than the time before.

[One More Day]

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

First of all ((((((HUG))))))

I'm really sorry that you are having such a hard time :-( It sounds like you are on a precipice and I'm wondering if you see anyone? Do you have a doctor and are you being treated? Are you diagnosed and getting the medical support you need? I'm assuming that you are either diagnosed BP or suspect that you are...

It sounds like your illness is running your life and I get the feeling that there is some urgency for you to get help before it comes crashing down.

"You would think that would be enough to stop me, but I just keep stepping further over that line."

If it were that easy for us to control our behaviour/moods we wouldn't be here. From what I've read here, most of us engage in behaviour that we don't feel in control of when we are ill or episodic. That's when it's important to get professional help. This is a real illness... a medical issue that needs medical attention.

I hope you get the help you need and please keep us posted about how you are doing.

I do have a doctor who I see regularly. Unfortunately, her solution is to continuously up my meds. I feel I need to get to the root of why I act this way.

My therapist was good. My willingness to share this information is dwindling. I am beyond embarrassed. He has already helped me in the past to overcome indiscretions that I have obsessed over. It is too embarrassing to say I have done it again! The guilt is too much. He has advised me NOT to disclose these indiscretions to my husband as they would only hurt him and not be productive. I agree but Keeping secrets is hard and I fear I am standing on a ledge. My husband does know about two minor indiscretions, but not the most recent two. I also should clarify that of the 4 only 2 involved intercourse, the other two might as well have, but didn't. Only 1 has been a stranger. The others were friends or acquaintances. All have been married men which only heightens the shame.

I just finished reading a novel, Hausfrau, in which the main character is a married woman with three children who suffers from depression. She deals with her depression by having affairs with men she meets. The books hit way too close to home. I kept reading because I so badly wanted to see how it would end for her. How she would overcome the secrets and the lies and the shame. Of course it was not a pleasing ending. I really just desperately do not want my story to end the same way. Do I come clean? Do I keep trudging along?

[One More Day]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

I feel for you, because that was a problem for me before meds. You are not alone. I can still be wild, but within what i am comfortable with. Hugs

Normally I would say my meds have the same affect on me as they do for you - comfortably wild. I think the issue for me is that, one of my indiscretions is a very good friend who has regular contact with me. Do you think that when we are in a manic state that we must be a lot of 'fun'? Or is it that we are perceived as easy targets? Because this particular friend seems to like to 'restart' things every year or so even though his wife and my husband are aware that lines have been crossed. I always feel used afterwards and that bothers me because I feel like I am victimizing myself which I feel is excusing an inexcusable behaviour.

[Curiosity77]

Originally Posted by One More Day

Normally I would say my meds have the same affect on me as they do for you - comfortably wild. I think the issue for me is that, one of my indiscretions is a very good friend who has regular contact with me. Do you think that when we are in a manic state that we must be a lot of 'fun'? Or is it that we are perceived as easy targets? Because this particular friend seems to like to 'restart' things every year or so even though his wife and my husband are aware that lines have been crossed. I always feel used afterwards and that bothers me because I feel like I am victimizing myself which I feel is excusing an inexcusable behaviour.

Yeah, that makes sense about being an easy target or not. I don't think I've really been a target, because in that state I just seem to get into those situations easily, and i don't think the other people were being predatory. But i have looked back and wondered what they were thinking, and what kind of a stare they were in. The one i wonder about the mist was the guy I cheated on my husband with, which lead to me getting my diagnosis. We worked together at a mental health team, where i was a nurse and he was a social worker. I was pretty drastically different than normal, but he seemed not to notice. But everything was consensual, and i can't expect others to figure that sort of thing out. I just wonder about him, because he was educated about mental illness. Other situations the people would have had no clue, of were going through equally crazy times. I only really regret 2. Now i'm in a relationship, and he worries that i could cheat if i get hypomanic, but he's never seen me in that state. Hopefully it will never be an issue with us.

[lunaticfringe]

I relate to this so much and I feel for you. I was actually about to write a post about this very topic. Coming from a place of recently achieved stability, I feel so much shame and embarrassment about my past actions and decisions. Looking back I can't believe how out of control I was. I am now doing well after finding a med combination that is really working well for me. I can only pray I maintain this stability.

I'd say the first thing to do is to start being honest about what is going on even if it's really scary. You have to come to terms with this to move forward. I told my current fiance about an in depth affair that I had. I was honest with him and he has forgiven me. He knows it is an aspect of my illness. There are other things I have spared him with but that I have talked about extensively in therapy.

I still feel a lot of shame about the things I've done but I just need to give myself time to fully process it. Time will heal things if you're able to get a hold on this. Reach out for help in any way that you can.

[BrandonAK]

Hugs for you for sure. I know exactly how you feel.

I used my indiscretions as a coping mechanism when I was manic before medication. I am still tempted to do it today because it makes me feel better about myself when I'm able to start an affair like that.

Luckily I'm divorced now, so I've been trying to build a relationship with someone where I don't feel the urge to have one.

Keep talking to your therapist about these things. Relapse is normal and it is important for him to know so that he can help you in the right ways.

I wish you luck! PM me if you want to chat.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk

I think that if you give off manic/sexual vibes than your friend could definitely pick up on that and make a sexual move towards you. It does seem like waving alcohol in front of an alcoholic who is on a bender.

Can you avoid certain people or situations when you are manic? That way it won't be as tempting?

That is what I try to do when manic.Stay at home and not drink or go out to bars with friends.

Again I am single and there is no reason for me to do it, I just know I may be making decisions that aren't healthy for me. I think it is a combo of meds and behavior modification.