[Alone & confused]

I felt like staying in bed all weekend but my life just wouldn't allow it! I have to babysit so my kids can work.

[gina_re]

I still need to clean my house, but I was at the hospital with my sister until 3am. So I ended up sleeping most of the day since my cocktail is taken at night for sleep. But the important thing is she is better, so it's all good.

[Takeshi]

My belly button infection is still bad, it hasn't changed at all and keep hurting me at all the waking hours. If it doesn't change till next Monday, I'd better go see a doctor about this. Antibiotic cream is being used but it is from other doctors visit from long ago, and I'm not a doctor. I can only move around do stuff at 60-70% capacity, I'm not happy about that. This hurts like hell, and I'm looking at a possible pustule right now, maybe it's time for a redneck surgery, I'll go check it on youtube later.

Good news for a change. I finished a book I was reading today, I'm still in a reading mood and the tatoo I got done last Monday started to itch, in other words, it is healing. My belly ache might be helping take my mind off sctratching. And I'm preparing dinner two days in a row.

I'm looking forward to sleep tonight, so I can forget about this pain.

One last thing. Census survey is coming up. This time, I should prepare a speech for my refusal.

[Moreta]

I was denied SSDI. Guess I should get a lawyer now.

[Cocosurviving]

I'm decent so far--spending time with my oldest daughter. My mom kinda stressed me earlier but I did good I just let it go. I told her whatever and "by".

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[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by Moreta

I was denied SSDI. Guess I should get a lawyer now.

Don't give up. I'm going through the process too. I was also denied. I re-filed and sent all my papers in. They claim they didn't get one specific document from me and they closed my case. Me and my case manager tried to get them to re-open it but they would not. Last week I re-filed again and this time I'm mailing, faxing and taking all my documents to my local office. They have you mail the documents to their central processing office which is fine. I'm also taking a copy to my local office and faxing it the number listed on the forms too.

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[Takeshi]

Called my boss, asked for a time off for a hospital visit. If the pain doesn't get worse, I might head for work later today. Strange as it may seem, this bump in the road with a literal bump in my belly button is making me want to move my life ahead, so to speak. I'm looking forward to people watching at the hospital, I've never been there so it is exciting.

Im glad you are going to the hospital Takeshi, sounds like it needs to be seen!

I had some more breakthroughs in therapy, my pdoc seems to think I am making progress even though I feel dull.

I cannot wait to get off meds but I know I have a lot to process before then.

Struggling with work but I have been getting tons of support from my partner, mum and best mate, so when they are with me, even every 3rd or so day, I am managing.

[Takeshi]

Good to hear good news from you too Supernova.

My hospital visit went well, although it was costly even with a help of health insurance, now I'm pain free and am looking at another unexpected day off work tomorrow. Pills, oh yes, been a while and I checked them all out on the internet, they checked out. My very first operation(tiny tiny incisions) and this CT scan were good experience, and I'm thankful for the modern medicines, namely this unknown suppository and lidocane. The doc thought I could fall off the bed when he started to cut into my belly button, it hurt despite with the help of numbing agent, yet I came through.

All and all, I guess I chose the right hospital for my situation, It was my first visit there but all the staff that I observed seemed to have been trained very well and compassionate, I'm hoping that my wound will heal soon, my doctor today in effect told me that my "smoking" habit caused this, it may have been a little judgemental on his part, but I'm not taking any offence. While I was nursing the wound myself past few days, I didn't even think of reducing the smokes, so I just think he's got a point there.

Yes I've cheated already, I've had one and half so far, I can do better.

To Moreta:

Sorry to hear about the bad news, and I'm also sorry that I couldn't do anything about the community fund drive that was there for you. Only if I had a credit card and paypal setup... hope you're still doing awesome on Etsy? GL with the 'good' lawyer search, refiling etc...

[Standup2me]

Going to the library after work
I love the library
All those books.....wwwwwhhhheeeeeeee

[Wander]

Last week my dog died and yesterday my grandmother passed away. I know I should be upset but I am hypomanic and feel great. It is confusing to be sort of grieving but so happy at the same time. My biology just won't let me grieve properly. A month ago I stopped Lithium and now I am trying to stop Olanzapine (ZYprexa) as the weight I have gained is still not coming off and it is starting to really bother me. Problem is this leaves me only on Prozac and Clonanzepam which may worsen the hypomania. I wish I could find stability without having to put on over 20kg (44 pounds). Being hypomanic right now is great though as I am happy and productive but not overly manic in a harmful way. Spending too much but reigning it in. My thoughts are all over the place though. Also managed to stop smoking pot and tobacco. Very motivated at the moment although a bit disorganised.

barely anything going on in my life at the moment.
been getting ready for things like halloween and christmas.

colder weather's now here, (and oh do i welcome it)

the new (last) series of downton abby has started, so the last few weeks to enjoy it (but i'm buying the dvd of it, so no worries.. i'll have the whole collection)

been struggling a lot with bing eating and self harm, and sleep still a real issue for me

apart from that, things are pretty much been the same as they always were

no major improvements to my life or anything

[Takeshi]

Where do I start?

I had another hospital visit today, yesterday on the way back and today, I used bus. I hadn't done it for a long time and I just wanted to make sure that I found out how to pay and wanted to secure a nice seat fast, so even though passengers were getting off, I somehow pushed myself through in the wrong door of the bus yesterday, I didn't like my own behavior. and today, I forgot to push the button when I got off the bus, I got up, got myself ready to get off, the door wasn't opening and asked not so nicely to the driver, I just said, "I'm getting off here". The driver didn't take it very well,(I apologized soon after) then I noticed that I was naturally high again for a bit, it seems I'm still getting these moments every day, and this morning or yesterday morning, I almost caught myself heading for pessimistic direction, but all has been manageable lately.

Except one thing. Today's visit cost me almost nothing, bus fare and hospital charged me less than 2 bucks for changing wound dressing, but it didn't end there. I saw a different doc to the one from yesterday, and I fired all the questions to him, just in case stuff, what if, what if I needed a surgery, that kinda thing and he didn't have the exact answer that I was looking for. So at this point, it is unclear whether or not if my belly needs a surgery procedure, I'll probably have to take a cat scan again on Monday, this means extra cost. The doc didn't exactly say the possiblity of the surgery is low, he said the same thing as the first doctor, one day for a surgery and 3 days for observation and recovery that'd be what was required.

Now I think that I should've anticipated this, only yesterday, everything became peachy again since I was out of that horrible pain, I thought I was just heading straight to recovery without any additional cost. And today, I'm looking at the complete opposite, the possibility of the dreaded hospital stay, all alone for 4 days, of course I'll lose my income there, the total cost will go over a grand which will be a huge financial hit to my life, and this is only if I could take care of this financial assistance from local government, which I'll need to prepare real soon.

A little panic hear and there are okay, btw I noticed I was shaking my right leg all the time I couldn't stop it, before, during, and after the bus ride today, the hospital waiting room's tv was bugging me too, the latest news, murder! I know I can handle things fine without an incident, I don't even feel that these different environment are taking toll on me at all, but I know how I'm reacting, I have been like this all year this year. It feels like I have no reasoning, the same frontal robe pathways aren there any more.

I almost forgot what I really wanted to write. Doctors, especially surgeons, they like to cut ppl up, don't they? That is why they are suggesting this. Maybe, there's no need for me to go through all those crap, the financial struggles, loss of pay, and of course I can't afford a private room, that means,,,a pretty bad living situation is waiting for me to experience that. Can I decline the surgery option if it were put on the table? And this is a rather big hospital where ppl come to ask for second opinion, is everything my doctors telingl me true and good for me? They are doing this to me, for profit!

I'm just rambling without any proof. I'm just all alone and wanna minimize any damage that could cause to my little life, I thought about the timing of this unfortunate things that's happening to me right now too. Coincidence!! If it doesn't cost me much money, my hands, thier hands, anything could cut into my flesh.

Did I write about anesthesia procedure? I may have heard that they had to put me under, instead of local anethesia, I may have misheard, see? I'm quite nervous and pretty much in a panic mode. Got no one, no one to comfort me and there won't be any free wifi at the hospital, I really really don't wanna spend ton of money and stay there for 4 nights.

On Saturday and Sunday, 13hrs shift, my sleep been wonky past few days, did I quit smoking already? Hell no, I'm gonna take as long as I need to figure things out, I'll be away from this privacy, the thing that's like a necessity in my life, it is essential, I hope that people that see me aren't aware that I sometimes behave out side of social norm, I've got to stay away from ALL the people in real life to be myself, I don't wanna say or do what's not appropriate, or something that people might think I'm suspicious or whatever.

IT'S NOT A CANCER! I'll live without the procedure, I could be under the knife because I don't know any better, can they explain absolutely everything why this has to be done? Probably not, 'cos I wouldn't know what to ask. The right side of my belly button started to hurt, so why is it then that the left side is swollen right now? I'll take antibiotic pills for weeks and weeks, pls don't cut me up, pls don't make me stay at your hospital, I know it has 7 stories high, you don't have a ward/department for MI folks, and you never asked.

Seriously though, can't I just stay for one night for the surgery, then I go home, I'll visit them as much as they want? I don't even have a bag for an over night stay. Would they provide sleeping pills if I asked? They are just scaring me, aren't they? And they are probably assuming that I have much more comfortable income, the question was never raised, I've been living in quite lower percentile of a social ladder, and I'm cheap.

HAI? How about switching to new antibiotic pills instead of the one that doesn't get absorbed into my system, before jumping the gun?

In short, I trust no one, and I can't trust myself either...

I got 2 more days to think about this. Or not to think too much...

Having a hard time with my husband, he doesn't seem to care what he says or does and how it affects me .

[gayleggg]

Not having a great day today. Feeling a bit down. Feeling a little lonely and lost.

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[Takeshi]

Warning: it's gonna sound gross.

I woke up at 5, I'm busying myself to get to work. It still hurts of course and what is this? Am I tasting my own pus? I don't know much about human anatomy, I stopped watching grey's anatomy long ago, no more McDreamy for me. Where's doctor Carter when I need him? This is almost like and emergency! The drug's working, the stool's runny, everything's still what It's supposed to be, I guess. Am I expecting a lot of toilet visit at work today? NSAIDs that I'm taking, is it really okay, not slowing things down? I could at least put few hours of free time with this patchy wifi, I can do research, I just wanna know more what's up with my body. Mentally, I feel okay, didn't wanna get up when the alarm first went off, it just rang the another one, yes, I'll be doing light washing up and I gotta go get me some money. Things are just the way it is, and most importantly perhaps, I am back to consciousness this morning. There will be so many decision makings and the responsibilities that comes along with it. I'll always have too much of a freedom, I want to be a person who can really handle it.

When's the halloween? I'm feeling a little desperate to know where I am in this universe at the moment. I should just go, and try to be nice at work. Have a nice y'all. I'll be waiting for everyone's update.

(Is this happening to some of you too? I can't change 'My Mood' again for some reason. Happening on my Kindle too, I can't quite figure it out. If you know anything to fix this, pls make a short reply, thanks.)

[Standup2me]

It's the same old song and dance my friend

[Nammu]

I'm thinking its a good thing my AP increases tomorrow

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Day 6 of Wellbutrin rage. I'm stopping it on my own. Maybe try lamictal and no Ad at all. Still havn't binged and purged since pdoc put me on vyvance. I feel great about that so that's somethinG I guess

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[Takeshi]

urachal remnant (disease) -> infection (cause:unknown at this point) -> possible surgery(loss of income/savings, possible loss of my employment due to the length of the time required for the recovery)

Unlike my last post, I'm typing this after some research and I'm not panicking at all, it's becoming clear what I must do to achieve my goal, which is to ask for time to think about the surgery if it were put on a table by a doctor tomorrow. I'll spare you readers the details since I don't see this belonging to this part of the forum. I may create a new thread asking for help/advices elsewhere regarding my concern.

This all started last Saturday, I was under the excruciating pain last night and this morning, it could get worse before it gets better, this granuloma that came outside of the belly button is the further proof that this is serious and I'mma have to do/think the best to take care of myself.

I've already made the list of things to ask to a doc tomorrow, some are technical/medical, it's a way outside of my comfort zone but I can't just let everything slide because one doctor whom I've just met can't possibly know what's best for me. Going through the surgery down the road or not, I'm still hoping that this hospital could help me with appropriate antibiotics.(more research 's needed)

What I need to help me with comes down to two things. One, people skill/mannerisms. Especially since the beginning of this year, I'm a bit careless as to whom I talk to, when or where. Or what subject. Talking and thinking at the same time should go hand in hand, but they don't for me. I just don't want the doctor tomorrow to take me the wrong way. I don't wanna say the wrong things to cause the system to work against me.

From what I hear, the majority(the desease itself seems to be rare to have as an adult) opts for the surgical removal of the cause, it's their choices, and even if someone were to insist on it, I'd like to take my chances for the foreseeable future.

Maybe this is just me, I get a strong reaction when somebody paint my future and tell that into my face. It's just a possibility among many, what are you a fortune tella? Are you trying to hypnotize me? I'm a stupid immature ahole, but when I get serious, the person that I'm talking to better hear me out.

I don't know if this could be called solitude or not, thinking on my own has been working lately, and I also notice that when I'm not entirely by myself, I'm a mere reaction to the outside world, it seems like my normal operational parameters. Why would I wanna spend time adjusting the parameters, I'm aligning my self, which seem so hard to do when the self itself is subjected to change, perhaps expected to change.

Aimless self is me. I do not need purpose to whisper into my ears, having no long range scope of time does the job for me now. Usually, the pain worsens as the day goes by. I had to go over the limit on NSAID to give me any relief yesterday and it didn't ease the pain at all. Right now? It's a lot painless, even with the enough pain that was forcing me to move slow, I was smiling at myself.

Thinking that the pain is slight didn't make it so. Asking tatoo needles for more pain didn't work either. I admit, that and little cuts that I made on my flesh felt a little too good. After thrown into what I perceive as a cruel world, one can't learn enough about oneself.

I'm turning 40 next month. Then there still will be 4,5 months of coldness/darkness to come. Unless it's a big surprise like carcinoma, I guess I'll be okay till next spring. It's like l got too much to do and read.

Sorry I forgot about the second one. So I'm going back to the first one. These type of things are usually private, then why did I tell it to so many ppl today? I still talk too much sometimes but it helped. Doctors? That's a title, I don't exactly know how to talk to them.

------little break, I'm heading home now

Is this my lucky day or what? Saw a white lizzard, possibly the one I saw months ago was on the ground floor, I saw it when I was parking my bike, is it my lucky charm? So here's what happened, I came home, with less pain than last night, then I peeled off my gauze on my belly button just a wee bit to see what's going on down there and found this thing popping out. A new one, right besides this huge granuloma I already have. I wasn't sure at first if it was still attached to my body, I waited a few seconds and now I understand that it was falling off. It has a pâté like texture, in a size of a centimeter, it was super gross.

In the article I was reading yesterday told me that the weird thing that's going on in my body could be as big as the size of my thumb! So, there maybe more inside, I can't just conclude the worst is over yet. It was a good timing though, now I have more to talk about tomorrow at the hospital, other article said that ultrasound can see the same thing, but cheaper than CT scan. I know I'm starting to write the details that ppl may not wanna hear, especially here, but the longer the post, the more the chance of ppl skip reading? This could happen to anyone, y'know, at least I'm not attacing any images.

And I'm having fun, Less smelly too. I still feel lower abdominal pressure most of the time, but I'm ready. There's this one guy, a proud guy who chronicled his experience of the same disease as mine(possibly), and he taught me that there were no other person writing the experience without going through the surgery. I wasn't entirely wrong to have met a surgeon at a first visit, where I'm gonna go from here all depends what a doc has to say to me tomorrow, 'cos I'm ready to hear professional opinion.

I've never met anyone going through the same thing IRL, let alone someone close who went through a big surgery. So I asked around, talked too much at work, the former boss of mine came to visit after months of absence, now he's sporting a shaved head! Am I making these people feel awkward? All the people I talked to, like 4 of them and I kept chatting, so that's a good sign, innit?

Well, I wanna end this post with how I'm feeling right now, and it is freggin' good, (ouch!, pain just went through me now..) I don't know much about medical stuff, but I'm not too ignorant, I used to watch ER, Grey's Anatomy, and House, I loved them more than cop/lawyer type of shows, so I'm into it. I didn't finish all the season of House though...

I'm sorry about the "It's not a cancer!" comment from the last one, it could've been offensive to someone out there, I still don't know what it really is, without a biopsy, I don't think they can tell with 100% certainty, what this is or not. Is the scientific proof what I'm after?

No one can tell what's gone happen tomorrow. They won't dare to use medical terms that I wouldn't understand or they gone try to draw picture like I'm a child, they did it already. That helps but I need some concrete informations as well to double check on things that they'll tell me.

I may be repeating myself but I'm looking at 30 days from showing the signs of belly button anomalies to the relatively normal painless state. 30 more days on top of that till the navel button will look normal, the granuloma should be almost invisible by then.

I just realized that this means bunch of doctors visit and lots more money going out of my bank account. I just can't afford an expensive mistake like getting a surgery just because someone told me to and to be left with un-reconstructible disfigured belly button, no one would want that. Medical doctors, the title may complicate things, they don't have to show me genuine care, but a cover up, omission of the facts, neglect etc... I won't be taking them.

I gotta stay sharp, 'cos I ain't done yet with my life, this is just like a turn of a page, and this happens to be a new chapter. It has to get better right?

Although it could end like The Sopranos's ending, metaphorically speaking.

[gayleggg]

I'm feeling depressed this morning. And a bit anxious. I don't have any plans for the day. I guess I don't have a purpose either.

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[Moreta]

Stayed up all night making jewelry. Some of it sold today, so I'm happy about that.

Going to start therapy with a DBT therapist tomorrow hopefully. Working on my life vision plan now. I'm glad I have goals and dreams now. The first time I did one of these my main goal was to just stay alive.

[Cocosurviving]

My day has been decent so far. I went to workout. I was tempted to eat bread but I didn't tho --it was a egg mcmuffin which is a healthy choice. I went to visit my grandma who is in bad health. I went to pay a bill to and picked up a few things at the grocery store

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[gina_re]

I could not focus at all at work today. I kept getting side tracked...picking my nail polish off, looking at other websites, etc. Then I became obsessed trying to find a primary care doctor. All the weight I've gained from meds and living this sedentary lifestyle has caught up with me. I've concentrated so much on my mental health that my physical health is horrible. I desperately need help..

Anxiety is out of control. I am trying to ride it out. Trying some distraction. I feel like I have failed and when I talk to friends it feels like they were just waiting for this day. Encouraging me to move on break lease and hand the job over to them since it causes so much stress.

I was so enthusiastic that I would have so much privacy here. So far it's worse than the last place and people drop by unannounced to my door. I am getting blamed for things on the farm that are NOT my responsibility. I dont think I will be rehired for next time as they expect me to pay out of pocket when I don't even get paid for the job! They get ****** I" made them sound dosgy" but not getting a signed lease for 3 months, not getting privacy and not getting a job description IS ducking dodgy. I've been thrown in the deep end and the boss has apologised for that. But I feel like they all want me to sink.

I had a plan for last night. My partner held me all night. I obviously didn't go through with it and that's half the anxiety that I've now Mae the choice to live and I hetter make the most of it.

But stuck in bed out of my mund and body with anxiety