Insight

Yesterday I told my therapist that I'm just passively doing what other people want me to do right now because it is easier. Since we've spent 9 1/2 years working on NOT doing that he was pretty specific that I need to stop that now. He was very gentle due to my current state but also very clear on that point (if I weren't so depressed he would have been really firm about it).

Today I went to the county fair with my mom, just to look around and eat junk food. (She keeps trying to feed me anything and everything because I'm not hungry and have lost 15 lbs in the last few months.) And I didn't do it because it was too hard to say no. I did it because I'm doing anything that people offer hoping that something will be the thing that makes me feel better or feel something, anything.

Last night I was up until 4:30 b/c I was realizing how hard I'm trying and even avoiding admitting some of the symptoms (like the weight loss, I said 5 lbs the other day even though I know that's wrong) and I'm not being specific enough with how much I do not want to wake up every morning and a list of other things that I've not been clear about with my drs. I'm not sure my pdoc even knows about some of the psychotic stuff; I think I was so involved with something else when I should have told her that I never did. And I know better. Especially with my disability renewal paperwork probably sitting on her desk.

So I'm avoiding a bunch of things but I'm not being as passive as I thought. And I am praying for sleep tonight because I am tired. I just want to sleep and not being able to is not a funny trick.

Mostly though I remain just so very, very sad. We've been on a quest to find stuff online that makes me laugh. So far after a week of dedicating time to this I have laughed once. Everything seems so distant and unhappy. But not passive. My therapist better be thrilled.

I can relate to doing what others offer will help. I do what people tell me and am disappointed over and over and over again when It doesn't work. Then I feel like maybe I didn't try hard enough, when I'd actually pushed myself beyond limits.

I take on the words of other people "it's not that bad, others have it worse, first world problems, try reading a book, why don't you just smile, you don't do enough exercise, you're just weak and being a whinger"

I think people can do a lot more damage with their words than help

Yeah, the disappointment is tough. I also hate disappointing people when I can't do things. Thursday I'm supposed to go to dinner with my mom and her friend. I also have therapy and a regular dr appointment that day plus 2.5 hours of driving. I strongly suspect that I'm going to be bowing out of that dinner which makes me feel bad. My therapist says not to feel guilty, to do what is healthy and to blame him for saying I shouldn't do things if I need an excuse. My mom doesn't like him much anyway since he had me drag her in to explain that suicidal Jen is dangerous to herself etc., which she didn't want to believe. Thursday I have a feeling that the dr is going to be "running late" and I'll be too tired to go out. They'll have fun without me. It's fine but I feel bad.

I fortunately don't have people saying much of that stuff anymore. My mom used to be the worst but now that I live next door she's seen a lot more what I live with and understands better. Not that she isn't saying those things to other people when talking about me but at least I don't hear them. I avoid a lot of situations where people might say things like that because I can't take it; I say those things to myself plenty.

My mom and I are at a strange place because I don't want to explain what I want to do for treatment (ECT or going on Clozaril without waiting to fail other meds) and freak her out too much before she is leaving for vacation. I know ECT would terrify her and so I'm avoiding that discussion until I know if I can even do it (or if my pdoc will let me jump to clozaril). Either one requires a hospitalization that will be fairly long (ECT longer than coming off Seroquel and getting on clozaril) and ECT will mean I need help getting to treatments after I leave the hospital. So these things will affect her but she just doesn't need to know and worry until I've seen my pdoc. 5 more days.

ECT is terrifying to people who dont understand the desperation. The thought of being suicidal on and off the rest of your life will drive you to try any option. Especially an option that has come a long way and is now a successful treatment for some people.

I can never do anything on therapy days either, my pdoc encourages this as many a time I spend the afternoon after therapy highly anxious, throwing up in the shower.

I recently told my father I could not see him on therapy day and now Im being told to stop blaming my problems on my mental health ???

Im glad you dont have people telling you those things anymore. I feel awful thinking it but I wish they could all spend a day in my head and then tell me the suffering isnt that bad.

I had ECT when I was 18. My depression was so severe I could have cared less about it. I was willing to try anything. However my mother was the one who had to approve it and she agonized over having made that decision for years and years I told her over and over it was no big deal but she felt so full of guilt. I guess ECT just sounds really horrible but if it can help its worth it.

Supanova-I think it would be good for people to spend a day trying to live with these disorders. Anderson Cooper (CNN) did a thing a year or two ago where he wore headphones for a day that simulated auditory hallucinations while he tried to do some simple tests and walked down the street and bought a newspaper. He couldn't do it. Yet we all live with that kind of thing (not necessarily hallucinations but messed up thoughts) all the time.

Neverending-thanks for sharing. I hope that if I do this that I'll find or be given resources to help my mom understand that it's not the scary thing it was years ago. I'm sure she knows that to some extent but she has no need to know about it in detail. I don't want to turn her loose on the internet (especially before I know if there is a reason to do it) because I don't want her scaring herself.

I'm glad to make the decision for myself. Making it for someone else would be very hard. I've tried to make sure my mom and sister know what I feel comfortable with for treatments but every time I've tried to put it on paper I've given up. Hopefully I'll be able to do that or else they will know already if they ever have to make a decision for me, which hopefully never happens.

When I told my MIL I was going to have ECT she freaked out. I very firmly told her that it was a good thing and that I was excited to have some hope. The only thing that scares me about ECT is it not working.

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Everyone I've ever been IP with who was getting ECT thought it wasn't working and didn't believe everyone around them it was working and then you'll see a little tiny change but it won't last so you'll think it's not real but then they'll keep happening and you'll feel better. I've seen this with several people. So don't give up on it yet.

I found a great brochure that happens to actually be from my hospital on ECT so I'll give her that if I need to. Somewhere I had another more detailed handout thing online but I don't know if I can find it again.

But first I have to find out if I even need to bother. I keep thinking I'm getting myself worked up and that this is the answer and my dr is going to have some easy answer when I see her that makes this look like I was ready for something huge and needed something tiny.

I just need some treatment, any treatment. My AD is a patch and I feel like it's not even worth changing it anymore. I know that it is but it is really hard to do that every day when it feels like it's not helping. Plus I forget if I done it and need to put a notebook in the bathroom to check it off so I don't change it twice in a day.

It's hard to make decisions. I totally understand just wanting to let someone else make the decision because it just makes things easier. My MIL called me a people pleaser. That's not really true. I'm a conflict avoider and I'd rather someone else make the decisions when possible. I guess it looks similar from the outside. It's not really an easy thing to stop doing.

faerie moon-It's not an easy thing to stop. But I've been getting better at it which is why not doing it now is so important. 2 years ago I realized I couldn't live completely alone anymore and moved to a little house on my mom's property. Our close proximity means I have to stand up for myself or I get bulldozered into things I don't want to do. Hopefully I'm at least doing a little avoiding this problem. I don't really know for sure.