[lunaticfringe]

I'm back to post about the same topic that I seem to write endlessly about, never arriving at a solution. I understand it's a complicated situation and I'm posting this not only to get outside perspective but also in the hopes of providing perspective to others.

I have been in my long term relationship with my fiance for about five years and we have continually had the same issues. Yesterday I was reading an article on the Huffington Post called Ten Signs Your Relationship is All Wrong For You (article here http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/10-signs-your-relationship-is-all-wrong-for-you_55fb2a22e4b08820d917fa51?3tedn29

The article was so eye-opening and sparked a rather dire conversation between my partner and I. It talked about how there are three different facets to every relationship - intellectual, emotional, and sexual (I'm sure you could add many more) and that if there was a disconnect in one or more of these areas that that would be grounds for a breakup. This hit me hard. A huge theme in our relationship has been me constantly feeling like my needs are not being met intellectually as well as sexually (they are sort of one in the same for me if you get me). My fiance has been doing all kinds of things to try to better himself and to fulfill my needs but it's just not happening. Since I am bipolar, it has been easy to brush this issue under the rug and tell myself that my needs in these areas are far larger than they should be and that if I feel myself wanting more it means an episode is coming on or I need a med adjustment. Whether or not this is true, I am me, and I think I will always have these needs. I love my partner very much but my needs aren't being met. Do my needs count even though I am bipolar? Every day I have this nagging feeling inside me and I know that's it's my unmet needs just eating away at me. Should I stay in a safe and supportive relationship that is lacking in other areas?

So what I'm wondering is...

Do you honor your needs for intellectual and sexual stimulation despite being bipolar? Why or why not?

If you're in a relationship, has the relationship been able to meet your needs and if not, what have you done to get your needs met? In the past I have cheated to get my needs met and I worry it will happen again.

Life is just constantly kicking my *** across the board.

[Capriciousness]

Hey friend.

I haven't been as attentive here as i would like to be...can you give me a quick update on your "mood" status?

The link didn't work but i tried to google the article and there were at least a dozen huff post articles on that same kind of thing 4 signs...8 signs....on and on.

I will speak honestly and from my opinion and experiences (obv). I don't know your whole story so please disregard whatever you find way off base or annoying

"Should I stay in a safe and supportive relationship that is lacking in other areas? "

Yes. I think you should. But like i said I don't know the whole thing. I just feel that not being safe and or not being supported/treated kindly and respectfully are good reasons not to be with someone.

But you are saying that this man is safe and supportive and most importantly TRYING. that is really pretty cool. That is a good man.


No. My emotional and support needs are not met. Yes. I have to find other ways to have those needs met. No they are not always met anyway.

No I am not considering ever leaving him.

Why.

Because there is so much more the relationship.

Because I believe I would be trading one set of issues for another.

Because a good man is hard to find.

Because what we have is amazing anyway.

Are there any ways you can get your needs met outside of the relationship without hurting anybody....

is he willing to give you some freedom......

is there something else going on in your heart?

Most of the people I know are not completely satisfied by their relationship but in relationships it seems impossible to be completely satisfied so the best bet seems to find someone who you love and who loves you and who is a good person that you have fun with.

I think you need to just think about if these needs you need met can ACTUALLY be met by someone else in the long haul.

And if the fulfillment of these needs in a way that requires leaving this man is worth giving up the safety, support, love, and history you have in your current relationship.

The fact that he is trying to please you and be better for you speaks volumes.

Apparently I speak volumes too. hahahahaha

hugs

disregard this if it pissed you off and still like me.

[BleakGeek]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

Hey friend.

I haven't been as attentive here as i would like to be...can you give me a quick update on your "mood" status?

The link didn't work but i tried to google the article and there were at least a dozen huff post articles on that same kind of thing 4 signs...8 signs....on and on.

I will speak honestly and from my opinion and experiences (obv). I don't know your whole story so please disregard whatever you find way off base or annoying

"Should I stay in a safe and supportive relationship that is lacking in other areas? "

Yes. I think you should. But like i said I don't know the whole thing. I just feel that not being safe and or not being supported/treated kindly and respectfully are good reasons not to be with someone.

But you are saying that this man is safe and supportive and most importantly TRYING. that is really pretty cool. That is a good man.


No. My emotional and support needs are not met. Yes. I have to find other ways to have those needs met. No they are not always met anyway.

No I am not considering ever leaving him.

Why.

Because there is so much more the relationship.

Because I believe I would be trading one set of issues for another.

Because a good man is hard to find.

Because what we have is amazing anyway.

Are there any ways you can get your needs met outside of the relationship without hurting anybody....

is he willing to give you some freedom......

is there something else going on in your heart?

Most of the people I know are not completely satisfied by their relationship but in relationships it seems impossible to be completely satisfied so the best bet seems to find someone who you love and who loves you and who is a good person that you have fun with.

I think you need to just think about if these needs you need met can ACTUALLY be met by someone else in the long haul.

And if the fulfillment of these needs in a way that requires leaving this man is worth giving up the safety, support, love, and history you have in your current relationship.

The fact that he is trying to please you and be better for you speaks volumes.

Apparently I speak volumes too. hahahahaha

hugs

disregard this if it pissed you off and still like me.

Beautifully said!!!!

[tipper1492]

Here is the bad news about bipolar marriages. Search Google - Bipolar marriages and divorce rate. Google shows 90% end in divorce. Any marriage has problems. So called normal marriage divorce rate is 50%. If you are feeling something is missing before a marriage, marrying will not change anything. To think other wise is only kidding yourself.

[lunaticfringe]

Thank you so much Capriciousness...

I just don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice that much of myself just to have the security of a relationship, you know? I don't want to be held back by my illness.

[Trippin2.0]

My needs are being met on all levels, we are definitely in sync and fit very well together.


I don't think you should be measuring your needs as bipolar though, we all want and need what we do, its just the human condition.


With that being said, my emotional needs were not being met for quite a long time, but that's a long story and he eventually let me back in, and we are now closer than ever, thick as thieves.


The fact that he's trying, that is EXCELLENT, I don't suggest you just up and run. But it may take some time, practice and alot of patience on your part.


Me personally though, I know I could not stay with someone forever if there were crucial holes in our relationship. To me the relationship would then become obsolete.


I would rather be alone than have half or a third of a partner

[wiretwister]

no all my needs are not being met ,,, and I am sure neither are hers ...

but as you age and live together for a long time ... those don't really matter that much ... we adapt ... maybe that's bad maybe ok ... but it is the way we are .... been married 33 years ... much more good times than bad ... but the meds have had a negative effect that is sure ... however even with that she says she would rather have me this way (medicated) ... I think sometimes we want perfection when none of us are perfect ... I for one am glad she has saw fit to stay with me ...

[Trippin2.0]

Perfection doesn't exist, chasing that is a fools errand, especially within relationships, because the fundamental components are people, and people are flawed creatures.


There's a lyric for this particular situation by FOB:


"The best, way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realize, two out of three ain't bad..."


I think adaptation is good if its what you actively choose, because the alternate is not a good option for you.


People evolve, and relationships do too, but I think we enter dangerous territory when we fool ourselves into believing its enough, or will somehow magically become enough some time in the future.


LF and the bf are standing on some solid ground though, because they've identified the areas in which the relationship is lacking and are actively trying to fill the gaps.


That is a healthy relationship, even if you should decide that you two weren't a good forever fit as a partnership.


Sometimes it comes down to compatibility, other times it comes down to working on it.


If I may ask, is there a viable reason he is not meeting these needs, has he never met them and is it an obtainable goal, for him to attempt to meet them?


The OP was kinda vague so I'm not exactly sure what we're discussing in detail.

[lunaticfringe]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

If I may ask, is there a viable reason he is not meeting these needs, has he never met them and is it an obtainable goal, for him to attempt to meet them?


The OP was kinda vague so I'm not exactly sure what we're discussing in detail.

Thank you so much for asking this question. The issue we're having is that we're not connecting on an intellectual level or a sexual level. While I am a person with a very busy and multi-layered mind, he is a much simpler person, and this leads to us being unable to carry on few, if any meaningful conversations. I am a person who loves to talk and he would usually prefer sitting in silence. AND in my opinion sex has everything to do with the mind. As a friend said yesterday, "You're not turned on, you're not intrigued, you're not fascinated...". And this is exactly what it is. I love him very much and we are very close emotionally, very close friends, but it sort of ends there. It pains my heart to have to say all this because while I know it's true I just can't really imagine leaving him as our lives are very enmeshed and he would be devastated. I hope this explains things.

[lunaticfringe]

I feel like such a complete b!tch about all of this. My fiance is as innocent as could be and I am a bit more rough around the edges.

[lunaticfringe]

Oh and is it an obtainable goal? Hmm.....well I just don't know. My sense is no...? He is in therapy right now and reads all sorts of books, goes to the gym and whatnot. I know I sound like such a whiny *****...I am embarrassed by how hard I am to please. I don't want to be this way but I can't help it.

[Trippin2.0]

You don't sound like a whiney biatch at all.


You're asking the right questions and looking at all the angles, as well as possible outcomes of committing to a life time together.


I agree, it really doesn't sound like something he can really change, so now its time to strategize.


If you choose him over the opportunity for finding someone more stimulating, (a better match if you will), then you two will have to discuss and decide on a game plan to keep you more than just emotionally engaged.


I think a therapist would be very beneficial for helping the 2 of you figuring out these things.

Because even if you don't step out of the relationship to fulfill these needs, you may grow resentful in time, feeling as if you've settled for less than.

[Capriciousness]

Originally Posted by lunaticfringe

Thank you so much Capriciousness...

I just don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice that much of myself just to have the security of a relationship, you know? I don't want to be held back by my illness.

Interesting.

I wasn't thinking about Bipolar at all in my response. To me it has nothing to do with Bipolar. Just that sometimes the amount of distance between what I need and what he can give me grows when I am "off".

I don't feel like I am sacrificing anything of myself to be in the relationship honestly. It isn't about that.

I feel like maybe there is more here for you somehow

[Capriciousness]

Originally Posted by lunaticfringe

Thank you so much for asking this question. The issue we're having is that we're not connecting on an intellectual level or a sexual level. While I am a person with a very busy and multi-layered mind, he is a much simpler person, and this leads to us being unable to carry on few, if any meaningful conversations. I am a person who loves to talk and he would usually prefer sitting in silence. AND in my opinion sex has everything to do with the mind. As a friend said yesterday, "You're not turned on, you're not intrigued, you're not fascinated...". And this is exactly what it is. I love him very much and we are very close emotionally, very close friends, but it sort of ends there. It pains my heart to have to say all this because while I know it's true I just can't really imagine leaving him as our lives are very enmeshed and he would be devastated. I hope this explains things.

This does clear things up and change things around in my mind.

This doesn't really seem to me like a 10 plus year satisfying marriage with the usual holes in it. That requires acceptance and personal transformation.

This to me sounds like two people who are holding onto something even though it might not be working.

It doesn't sound to me just like your needs aren't being met in this relationship. It sounds like you don't want to be in this relationship (no judgement or harshness intended).

The picture I am getting from you is that you know this isn't right for you but that you feel bad about it.

If this rings more true for you than yes

You can't give up what you need because you are afraid of hurting him. It isn't good for him to be in a relationship where the other person doesn't really want to be in either.

I think it is hard to give it up to find what you really need......

Here is the thing...I do think that someday you may find a different person who fits much better but they probably won't meet all of your needs either...at least not without a **** ton of work. Sometimes good relationships start with the passion and then are built.

So you do deserve more and you can get it but you also need to realize the limitations inherent in human relationships

I think the sex part is a pretty big deal. They say that sex is the barometer of a relationship.

Without sex it is actually just a friendship and we can have a lot of friends but technically you are only supposed to be lovers with your husband. So if there isn't passion and you feel like you are just close friends then yes that cannot be satisfying.

To be repetitive. This doesn't sound like a case of not getting needs met in an otherwise great marriage. This sounds like a case of a relationship with love and caring but otherwise no passion...which makes it not a romantic relationship. And we all need one of those.

I have to run but is it too forward to ask you why you guys have been engaged so long and haven't tied the knot?

And secondly, I'm still not understanding how Bipolar factors in here for you.

I would and have said all this **** to normie girl friends too

[Trippin2.0]

LF, I cannot stress this enough...


Please try to untangle yourself from your dx.


Yes, during rough times we may need more of whatever it is we need, and yes, its important that our partners understand that and are up for it.


BUT, this dx doesn't automatically render you high maintenance, which means you don't have to resign yourself to settling for less than you deserve.


I also want to reiterate that you cannot stay with someone because you don't want to hurt them by leaving... That leads nowhere happy.


Not only do you inadvertently pity that person, but you also rob them of the chance of meeting someone who's better suited for them.


Now I am not saying you should break off the engagement, cut your losses and run, but I want you to think long and hard about why you choose to stay.


And if you think staying is the better option for you, then maybe its time to have a couples counselor intervene, maybe as part of premarital counseling.

[lunaticfringe]

I cannot tell you guys how much I appreciate your responses.

Capriciousness -- the reason we've been engaged for quite a while is because of these issues we're having (and also financial reasons). Bipolar factors in when I am asking myself if it is ok to have these needs, or does it just mean I am symptomatic when feeling deeply unsatisfied. You're absolutely right that it is a passionless relationship. For years I've been telling myself that it would get better, or even that it didn't matter...that with commitment and time we would have a satisfying relationship. I think you're right that I know it isn't right for me...but I have invested so much in it that I am finding it really hard to be able to leave. Not to mention the fact that the past two to three years have been horrible for me in terms of my illness and my fiance has been one of my only supports. He is there for me no matter what. He could not be more loyal or caring. My fiance is one of the best people I have ever known...and the men that I have had the most passionate relationships with were always jerks in a way or just somehow deeply flawed...I know we all are but I seem to have a knack for certain characters. I am missing romance in my life though. I want it so bad it hurts. I have asked my fiance to try to be more passionate or more romantic but it seems like something he cannot do. I think he may have Asperger's...but that is a whole other story.

The good news is we are seeing a therapist together soon. Even if we do go our separate ways, we will need help with that.

I just feel so sad about this whole situation. I just cannot seem to make the right decisions in life...but I am great at making HUGE life-changing decisions...then a year later going "oh **** what have I done" and having a period alone in a very dark place. I'm pretty messed up guys. I don't know what to do. If I leave my fiance I think I will be suffering mental health wise. Maybe I'll go back down to FL or go see my ex in CA... All this **** just makes me realllllly want to take off and leave.

[lunaticfringe]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

LF, I cannot stress this enough...


Please try to untangle yourself from your dx.


Yes, during rough times we may need more of whatever it is we need, and yes, its important that our partners understand that and are up for it.


BUT, this dx doesn't automatically render you high maintenance, which means you don't have to resign yourself to settling for less than you deserve.


I also want to reiterate that you cannot stay with someone because you don't want to hurt them by leaving... That leads nowhere happy.


Not only do you inadvertently pity that person, but you also rob them of the chance of meeting someone who's better suited for them.


Now I am not saying you should break off the engagement, cut your losses and run, but I want you to think long and hard about why you choose to stay.


And if you think staying is the better option for you, then maybe its time to have a couples counselor intervene, maybe as part of premarital counseling.

Thank you soooo much. I am going to try to validate myself and untangle myself from my dx. I'll be thinking this one over... I really think therapy is going to be very beneficial for us. What a mess.

[BadWolfC]

The first thing I want to say is: don't lower your standards. If you need all of those things to be completely happy, then that can't be changed. The real question is whether you feel like you're as happy as you can be right now. If you are, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you really feel like your needs aren't being met, then I would try to look for something better.

Now to my second point: your wants and needs are not connected to your dx. I've known people far needier than myself who weren't diagnosed with anything. It seems that I'm similar to you in the sense that I need to be stimulated emotionally and intellectually as well as sexually. I was in a "safe" relationship for a time and was going to settle, but it finally hit me that I wasn't happy. That person was not on the same intellectual level as myself and there were sexual inefficiencies, so lacking those things made the relationship fall apart.

The relationship that I have right now with my fiance (who I never would have met had my safe relationship not fallen apart) is the best thing I've ever experienced. It's the first time that all my needs are consistently being met, and none of the issues I had in past relationships even exist. I've been in a lot of relationships, but this is the only one I feel completely happy with. I'd given up when I met him, and all my negative expectations have been completely blown away because I never expected to meet someone like him. So it is possible to have high standards and have all of them met, it just takes a while to find the right person.

I hope that whatever you decide to do, you end up happy. That's what's most important.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by tipper1492

Here is the bad news about bipolar marriages. Search Google - Bipolar marriages and divorce rate. Google shows 90% end in divorce. Any marriage has problems. So called normal marriage divorce rate is 50%. If you are feeling something is missing before a marriage, marrying will not change anything. To think other wise is only kidding yourself.

Exactly. And if you're thinking THIS much into it then you should know the answer already. He may be a good man. Just not the good man for you. And don't ever think you deserve less because you're BP. Everyone e deserves love and respect. Unless they're a serial killer or something.

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