On vacation- need help

I arrived after 2 days of driving with my BF to absolute paradise. However weary tired and very hormonal. I was very much triggered in hindsight which makes me think this was more related to Borderline- or bi polar or pms or all....?
After settling in and being very hungry, go to dinner. I let BF choose and got ready. In my mind had some expectation I guess. I was taking long to get ready I thought for a cool beachy bar/restr.. Plus I wanted to treat!
So.. We arrive, I hate the place already from location. Bf just wants a meal as we're crazy hungry. They have a wait. Ok... (I hate the place too casual and was complaining). The guy at bar suggests have a cocktail. Relax. I told BF let's sit and he didn't realize I wanted a drink. I tell him I hate it here. He snaps and says we're leaving.
Oh boy.
Things get from bad to worse now. Yelling and acting crazy and we're both taking turns yelling. I get out the car almost while still in motion and scream at the TOP of my lungs like a LUNATIC and everyone playing mini golf turn around. I was mortified (still am). I proceed to break my rear view mirror off the window. That shook me enough to calm my **** down. BF too now he realized this escalated way the **** too far.
I'm not only upset but feel like just jumping in ocean and never coming out.
Fast forward we do manage to salvage the night and forgive eachother. I feel sickened and asked if we can not talk about it anymore bc aside from that we are both so happy and deserve this really nice expensive vaca much of which he is treating me too.

Ohhhh, I've been there, Sister Silver Springs. First of all *enjoy* your vacation. You deserve it.

I used to be the same way in public with my wife, always looking for "move forward" from where I was at the time, never living in the moment. I don't like crowds, I don't like waiting, and I'm not good at adjusting when things don't work out the way I planned. Or, as you suggested, sometimes things just don't feel right and it eats us up to a point at which we go bonkers. I'm a big believer in feng shui and being comfortable in my surroundings.

And then of course, if the mojo isn't there, things would escalate for me way beyond where they should have gone. I've broken some stuff too......one time, I ripped my watchband and my watch right off my wrist, I was so angry.

But, that's BP in a nutshell, now isn't it? We all look for some sort of plan that gives us certainty. My advice - I've tried to go with it and let it all happen around me. Just move on from last night and learn from it. Tonight, pick *your* spot by the beach, let the breeze float by, look at the stars, and take everything in that we miss when life is too busy. My dad would always say "now this is living".

I fail to see feeling so happy after such an event taken place. What's to keep it from happening again? If it does, I say the relationship is very dysfunctional.

Uhnm yep! I'm going through some very bad aggression right now. My bf called me rude. I screamed. Then my cat made a noise in the other room. I flew up so fast to chase her stupid *** under the bed. The bf got so annoyed he went to bed at 7. He rolled over a bit in his sleep and I whispered "I'm really sorry for being crazy. And I want McDonald's breakfast tomorrow". lol but in all seriousness, I've lost it much worst with exs and embarrassed myself greatly. I just like to apologize and never speak of it again. So relax, enjoy your vacation and I hope you guys find a better place to eat

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No I didn't mean we were happy as clams after the drama.... I meant that 90% of the time things are amazingly blissful, lovely and a great relationship.. I am to blame mostly for the fallouts. This is after we both lost our cool. Therapy confirms this is a much better, safer place for me. He has been by my side, promoting therapy, books etc for well being. I pushed. I didn't even describe what a nut I was.,... He admitted: yes he should have been more calm and typically he is. If anything- he has been my rock since my dx. Yes I can see how it seems dysfunctional, but that's not what it is. My last RL was MUCH worse. I am not well and reaching out.

Ah! Thank you.... I even shared this with my BF- thanks bc it helped me feel less guilty .... We managed to fix my mirror/ well he did. Have a great day, exploring and such. In the back of my mind I keep thinking Omfg: why did last night happen? Well being that in my marriage I had the same ****, I know it's not my partner or RL per say: rather... The woman in the mirror.

I think that Borderline traits are where my RL suffers.

It sounds to me like you weren't really validating your own feelings in the beginning and maybe you were expecting, on some level, for him to do what you wanted even though you hadn't communicated what that was? At least that's how I perceived it from the OP. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry.

I've done that same thing before & didn't even realize I was doing it. Then, I felt that"if he loved me, he would know me well enough to know what I wanted" kind of thing. My current BF has helped me greatly to 1) understand how men think in general....(surprise! They're not good mind readers. Sometimes you have to spell it out to them & then they deliver quite well) & 2) how to communicate with him & others better & more clearly..... well, most of the time...I'm still working on this,Lol.

Thank you. I'm happy to say that the vacation has been nothing but total awesomeness since that first night.

Omg, I get the same way anytime things don't work out the way I want or need them to. I don't wait well, I can't stand crowds, if someone looks at me wrong I want to leave, and heaven forbid that my husband tries to calm me down when I am not wanting to be calm. I have a bad habit of hitting myself - in the head - because I don't want to break anything or hurt anyone. But then comes the headaches...

We now agree that sometimes I have to just say "Can't do this" and we leave - no questions asked.

Thanks all for the support ... some updates and I am sort of sad about them and yet only kind of hopeful b/c starting DBT therapy this week:

The last leg of the trip (we drove home, 2 days in the car) we stayed over night in between travels. I had certain expectations i guess, was tired and worn from driving..
We get to hotel, in a cute town that i hoped to explore. He is tired and wants to go out to dinner, and then maybe check the town out (or as i heard it: have dinner, check back at hotel, see town after briefly before heading to bed). ~ Mind you, he is not one to easily just 'go to town' or go out spontaneously often- though it has happened it is rare ~

We go to dinner, i had trouble deciding what to order (this is a restaurant chain that i used to go allot w/ my Ex-H so maybe a trigger there? ) and so i tell him I will order a meal he will like and he does the same, so we can share. We get a drink, take silly pics and are tired but happy. Suddenly, dont know if alcohol or just tired, or miscommunication, or a Seafood allergy? (i ended up getting sick and still not sure if it was from stress of trip or food). I get into a fight w/ him (not even sure why but i felt it was all his fault..), start crying, and leave the Restr. I insisted on paying (i wanted to treat from the start). I am crying in front of our waitress, i cant even look at her!!!! it was SO OOOOO embarrassing. We prob looked like we just broke up or something. I was hysterically crying, had to smoke. We go back to hotel, and start really getting heated. (again, both tired). Said things we later regretted. Eventually, broke down apologizing (feel like i always do first..perhaps it truly is my bad.) and basically once i am a puddle on the floor: he then suggested : Lets go to town, get dressed, i want to help you get your mind in a better place. Lets not end the trip like this. ~~ So, we had a very healing walk together in a really adorable town. Tho my head was low, I felt like **** and even worse, my dreams of that night being special, and different then last time * were crushed. Did i jinx myself w/ too much pressure to be 'perfect' and not misbehave? I was hoping..... things would have been calmer.

About the * last time: Last year same time we did a vaca as well, same thing drove south, wonderful vaca, and stayed 1/2 way in hotel. Well, on the drive home last year, same **** happened, (prior to my DX) i recall getting super anxious, sad, expectations not met, crying, etc etc. Ending up mad we dont have sex. That kind of thing which in hindsight , I obviously have pattern here. He can be very structured, (is German) -- when tired he is grumpy (he doesnt easily admit this, though that night i was very quick to point it out). and sometimes he can be also moody- and then we are like dynamite ... I wish i can be more of a rock for him, more supportive and get so angry at myself for not being better GF. He gets upset that i even pressure myself like this: saying i am setting myself up for the upsets w/ that much pressure. I see his point.

It is problem that i want to overcome and stop repeating (b/c at this point, i had exact same crap w/ my Ex-Husband ie: rewind back to 2004: just married and refused to take the cruise to our honeymoon ~ i didn't like the cruise ship. it didn't meet my standards so I walked OFF the friking boat and schlepped our luggage... through the city, to take a train home, it was CRAZY what i did back then and wrote a letter complaining to the cruise co- and ended up getting a refund/voucher for another cruise. ! ) But that was so drama, and set up my marriage for failure literally right after we said "I do". :/

I believe I have these ridiculous fairy-tale notions that are simply unrealistic. (my mother was same way btw, always had to get HER way... my dad is a total enabler and push over for her demands). When i dream of our vaca, i have a certain idea in my head that is like set in stone. Sometimes my BF meets and even exceeds my dreams, with surprises and cool ideas. I love that! It is special, organic and the way he is. I need to stop having such insane expectations, just to be let down.

This is what i need help with, and once my expectations are not met (likely allot in my life, lets face it **** just happens)- i need a way to cope. I tried, in the hotel, i put on music, i zoned out, i tried to count to 10 (err- 100) ... my BF was sitting there like "can we talk"... he felt ignored. I explained what i was doing, so he could understand: i was trying to stop myself from screaming and throwing things and punching the walls.

This: i need to stop. I must stop it! Otherwise: my RL will not last, my life will basically be very pathetic and lonely. sigh

(Still SMH: how do i go from happy, silly, bubbly then literally in a flash: I am crying, shaking, and crazy person... WTF is that!!!!!)