[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've never actually been there but from what I've seen on TV I think my head is doing a pretty good impression. Scrolling thoughts, blinking thoughts, tons of "head noise", crowded with too many thoughts, overstimulated in every way except all of it is internal. I have no idea what is going on in there. Mania, depression, swirled together into the blackest, nastiest, tarlike paint.

I need to take valium but I don't think it will work yet. I've been trying to relax and that hasn't been going so well. (ie I just got up and changed the kitty litter because I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten). Two weeks ago I could watch something on Netflix; now I'm past that point and it wouldn't calm me down. I have no idea if it is better to get up and clean and burn some energy or keep trying to relax. I don't want to do either.

Possible trigger:

I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm not ready to pull the emergency hospitalization plug yet because I'm safe and doing it as an emergency has big issues but I also am just not ready to get up tomorrow and fight through another day. As long as I can do that I will wait for my pdoc.

I just am tired. Not physically but mentally I just want to go away for a while. The valium will do that when I am ready to take it (if it take it too soon it doesn't work; if I take more than the dose I take I won't wake up until evening then tomorrow won't be able to sleep).

[BlueInanna]

I was just there in time square mania with you. It is such a horrible feeling I'm sorry you're going through it. I suggest clean and clean some more, beats pacing. I know what you mean don't take the med too early, that just creates more tension when it doesn't work. Can you tell pdoc you're in mania? Mine put me on depakote & it took 7 additional days of hell to work but it is working. She doesn't want me back on benzo's. Alcohol is certainly no relief for mania. I tell myself nice things like just keep moving we are just gonna keep moving and we are doing great. And I tell myself to Stop often when it gets nasty in my head. I finally found a way to deal with the head noise and horrible looping pop radio songs - I play a song in my head that I love & don't mind it being there. Right now for me it's Bella's lullaby from twilight. I'm having some relief from that. I'm also trying binaural beats on relaxation tones on headphones. I asked pdoc last week about the sounds in my head she said normal for mania just part of the racing thoughts stuff. It really sucks. Hope it gets better real soon for you!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks and sorry you're here too. This is actually a bad mixed episode although today it seems like I had my depressed time earlier and now I'm more manic instead of the constant pingpong game in my head that I've been having.

My pdoc knows. It's a long, boring story but I'm waiting to go IP to get a major med change but there are some issues with the hospital and so it hasn't gone very far yet. And I'm going on a last-ditch med; I don't have anything really to add in now that hasn't been tried. I left a message asking if there was ANYTHING until this works out but I didn't hear anything yet.

I probably should go clean or something but I'm just tired enough from my meds that I think I might get to the point I can take valium and sleep sometime soon. I have this loop going in my head about the valium. If I take it I get some sleep and am more relaxed the next day and so even though I know that I'm taking it properly and my pdoc is fine with me using it this way (and that the carryover the next day is GOOD) my brain has decided it is too good. I've used valium as a PRN during bad episodes before and never had problesm; I don't know why my head thinks this time is different. Maybe I think I'm not supposed to get more relaxed times. I don't know.

I just wish it would stop.

[BlueInanna]

I think we get used to nothing working to help us sleep & psych ourselves out. So more anxiety can build before you take the med. thoughts are powerful things. Biologically yes your brains going a bit haywire & you can't just think good thoughts to get out of it. But the subtle stuff you say can have a helpful effect. I read a study proving that telling yourself you rested well improves people's energy level in the morning, so I try to do that now.
I may likely be misunderstanding but is the loop with the Valium about it may not work & then there'd be no relief for the night? Also not sure what you mean go clean?
It's ok to tell me if I'm being too nosey, just wanna help. I'm sittin here awake too.

Oh sorry haha go clean house. Not go clean off Valium. Lord I'm easily confused lately.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

About the valium I mean that I'm having a hard time believing it's ok to take it, that if I feel better the next day too that I'm enjoying it too much or something. I have become suspicious of benzos yet have never had problems with them and have been on them for many years. I've come off klonopin cold turkey without issue, cut my klonopin daily total in half without issues, etc. and I only use valium a few nights per week and will stop when this ends. I just am being weird about it. I think I feel like this feeling horrible is the way it is supposed to be and if I feel better the next day from it lasting a long time in my system that getting that little break is wrong. It doesn't make sense.

I just meant I should go clean something, like wash dishes or put away stuff in my living room. I'm trying to have things in good order since I'm going IP but I can only do so much before I get overwhelmed. Figuring out where to put things is a big problem with that and that's what I'm down to: clearing the coffee table and table. I need to have my mom come over and help me sort those things out.

I think I'm about ready to take the valium so hopefully I'll talk to you tomorrow. I hope you get some sleep soon too (and that this works for me. Hard to know but I should get away from the screen).

Thanks for keeping me company. You helped a lot.

[BlueInanna]

Sorting clutter was the worst for me always. But as of a few nights ago, I am clutter free. For now. Just do what you can, don't be hard on yourself about cleaning. It is all going to get better once the mania is controlled. And it's ok to feel ok for awhile. No one should have to feel ****** all the time. Ok well sleep well good night!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks. You're right. I tend to think that if I am feeling better that I'm faking the whole thing. (I wasn't allowed to complain as a child).

I hate clutter. I live in an over the garage apartment that is only 600 sq ft and if one thing is out of place it looks messy. I have things packed for IP so that's already messy but the other stuff isn't helping. Maybe today I'll conquer that Everest.

That was some night. I took the valium and then woke up a little later b/c my cat needed food (she's really old and needs a lot of calories so I sleep-feed her most nights) and was sick. Horribly nauseous sick. I have meds for nausea b/c I get sick with migraines so I took one and then took a sip of water from my water bottle. It just came out of the dishwasher and i rinsed it before that but apparently not well enough and it must be too deep for the dishwaster; it tasted like sour milk from the traces of milk from the last use. Ugh.

Still groggy so shouldn't be posting. And the cat needs fed. The worst thing about cats is that you still have to deal with cat food and litter when you are nauesous. Blech.

[B2008]

Time square is so appropriate! Thank you beyond the rainbow now I know how to describe it to my husband!

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I've never actually been there but from what I've seen on TV I think my head is doing a pretty good impression. Scrolling thoughts, blinking thoughts, tons of "head noise", crowded with too many thoughts, overstimulated in every way except all of it is internal. I have no idea what is going on in there. Mania, depression, swirled together into the blackest, nastiest, tarlike paint.

I need to take valium but I don't think it will work yet. I've been trying to relax and that hasn't been going so well. (ie I just got up and changed the kitty litter because I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten). Two weeks ago I could watch something on Netflix; now I'm past that point and it wouldn't calm me down. I have no idea if it is better to get up and clean and burn some energy or keep trying to relax. I don't want to do either.

Possible trigger:

I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm not ready to pull the emergency hospitalization plug yet because I'm safe and doing it as an emergency has big issues but I also am just not ready to get up tomorrow and fight through another day. As long as I can do that I will wait for my pdoc.

I just am tired. Not physically but mentally I just want to go away for a while. The valium will do that when I am ready to take it (if it take it too soon it doesn't work; if I take more than the dose I take I won't wake up until evening then tomorrow won't be able to sleep).

really hope you feel better soon.

hugs

Hey, how are you doing?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Not great. I don't feel very good today (upset stomach, probably from stress) and I found out the hospital dr is taking a lot of time deciding to take me or not; his only response has been to ask if this was voluntary which I think means he didn't read the records thoroughly. So I just keep waiting. It's better at this point to not go until Monday to maximize my Medicaid anyway. (not that I won't go sooner if they are ready).

I'm just discouraged and tired of the episode and I want to sleep and I can't.

Sorry, this is a really whiny post but I just don't have much else right now. I watch my mom's dogs for a while tonight and it's no big deal but I just want to stay home. Which would be fine with her but it helps if I watch them and I want to help her as much as I can.

I realized after I talked to my pdoc's secretary that I needed to ask if I can set up a Feb. appt so that if I don't go in I at least have that. So I have to call back. I'm not sure my pdoc has ever not called herself; she was probably trying to avoid me falling apart on her. Wise woman.

Oh well. I'm sure my mood will change soon .

[TishaBuv]

I feel for you. What a scary feeling! I wonder if the meds are causing it. I hope you feel better.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks. Seroquel is no longer working very well for me which is the cause of this. I'm just frustrated with waiting to get things fixed up.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Thanks. Seroquel is no longer working very well for me which is the cause of this. I'm just frustrated with waiting to get things fixed up.

I hope you can make it until you are a direct admit but remember your safety (as you always tell me) is most important and you have to have to go IP if it gets bad or if you are too overwhelmed by suicidal ideation. All my love sweet friend.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks Cash. I know and honestly going into the hospital anyway I can has been on my mind a lot. So far I can handle it but I have to be careful because I'm having moments that I really have to calm myself down. But for now it is day by day. I know that there is a point where my therapist is going to put his foot down. If I would let him see what is really going on in my head he would probably have done it but I cover with him. My mom sees some moments and I have no idea what she thinks aside from knowing things are really bad but mostly I am keeping others from seeing it. It feels too out of control so I fight through the bits of time I need to be more normal and try to limit them. Good or bad that's what is working this moment. I know tomorrow could be totally different and that could be the day I have to go to the ER.

I think as long as I can keep from getting too caught up in my head I can stay safe. But I don't know if I can do that for too long. Then again I've been doing it so long (not this badly maybe) that I can't remember how to get through a day without a fight.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I think as long as I can keep from getting too caught up in my head I can stay safe. But I don't know if I can do that for too long. Then again I've been doing it so long (not this badly maybe) that I can't remember how to get through a day without a fight.

Amen to that! I'll pray for you!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thank you. I appreciate that. Prayers for you as well. Are you feeling any better this afternoon?

[BlueInanna]

Eww about the sour milk, that's the worst ick! Is your mind any calmer tonight? I'm about to make some stress relief tea, take some valerian root, and play my classical music in the headphones. Really so grateful for the depakote, I think it's really working for me.
Were the doggies nice to hang out with? I love my animals. Cleaning poop sucks, but animal love is healing.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I have been a bit slower today but things are speeding up now. It's always worse at night. And I found out today that the dr my pdoc hopes will help me IP has just now gotten back to them after week with just the question of would this be voluntary (umm, begging them to do something here) so I'm guessing he's not read much in the notes she sent over to him. So I'm probably not going anywhere this week. At least that lines up better with the Medicaid month assuming I go in the next couple weeks (I can't imagine I won't have to, plans or no plans). If I go in before the first of the month I get stuck with a lot more dr. co-pays.

Tea is coming soon. Valerian is good stuff. I can't use it b/c I'm on an MAOI and herbals are out but I used to use it and kava kava both sometimes. Depakote helped me for a long time although I had to be at a high dose to keep my blood levels even close to high enough. Definetely no sour milk on an upset stomach tonight.

The dogs are kind of a challenge. I love them both but they have a wild time wresting in the evenings which is why I go over on the night my mom works; they get the wrestling out of their systems and are ready for bed when she gets home. They were good tonight except for a few minutes which is really good for them. They are just big puppies and very high energy. I love them but they are overwhelming sometimes. Fortunately tonight wasn't one of them.

I'm agitated yet kind of sleepy. Maybe tonight will be better. Maybe not feeling good is going to pay off a bit. That would be nice.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Thank you. I appreciate that. Prayers for you as well. Are you feeling any better this afternoon?

No. I am awake thanks to my coffee and vyvanse. I only slept about 4 hours last night despite having laid quietly in bed and taking my ever so sedating meds. But I am anxiety ridden and am having the same thoughts as before. I am having difficultly not giving into these thoughts and difficulty remaining grounded. On top of that, my husband forgot to put my meds in the safe this morning. It's not that I think I will do anything harmful but it makes me feel as though he is indifferent or not listening to me.

How are you feeling? Better I hope.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Not really and now I've agreed to dogsit tonight. Which is not a big deal but it is more time not in my house or my bed. I could have said no but it just isn't that important. I just don't want to do anything at all. I may not even get out of my pajamas today. It not like sweats are much more than pajamas.

Right now I want to sleep and sleep but my thoughts are racing so I don't know what will win. Laying in bed staring at walls seems likely because I don't know what else to do. So sad, so tired, so agitated.

Oh well. I hope your day gets easier.