Not much here...

Bit now I'm thinking about it abd they could heal me fro
Demons abd satan attacking me.

This is true. However, she is a christian therapist, not a therapist who is christian. We open and close in prayer. She relates things that I say and do to the Bible (she amazes me with how much of the Bible she can recall from memory alone). She is actually a therapist through my church. She is a real therapist though; I go to a mega church where we are afforded such luxuries (and since we are poor, I pay barely anything). I REALLY, really like her and trust her judgement. In the case we were discussing, I can pretty much peg her opinion but that doesn't mean I can't or won't. It just means that I will hear an outsiders view of the situation.

I'm not talking about the intensive spiritual hospital you are referring to in this post. I would highly recommend that though. I've been there. If you do that, I would recommend being diligent in your faith and even in the usage of your language. You are not possessed by demons and satan is not attacking you. Instead you have a mental illness that you will likely deal with your entire life.

I've been down that road before. I believed I was possessed and when demons were expelled from me I was healed. When I believed that, I thought I was bad and that I was weak. I am none of these things and neither are you. The prayer there, OMG, is intensive and powerful. And they lay hands on you and speak in tongues.

The thing I am referring to in this thread however, I am wondering if it is pagan and unreasonable or if it could indeed help me by adding light to my darkness (something that sounds perfectly sane to me).

Last night I was convinced I was healed but that my illnesses is demons abd Saran attacking me... It was weird. My mind was jumbled abd I feel like I was slightly manic almost. I texted my t a weird text about that stuff at 2am.
I'm worried she think I'm nuts or mad at me

Tomorrow I have my group, overcoming adversity. I think the main reason I still go is because it is led by my therapist. Just being near her is largely comforting. I wish I could talk to her every time I feel overwhelmingly suicidal. Her voice on the other end of the phone would be healing. I cannot call anyone in my family, it's too awkward. I can only tell them things in hindsight. Anyone else feel that towards your therapist?

I enjoy therapy usually with J, my therapist. I find time with her very comforting usually too.
It's funny, because I still don't know if I actually like her. I mean I love her professionally. But I can't imagine being her friend. She doesn't attract me as a friend if that makes sense. But when the world came crashing down around my ears she is the one I called as I stood in my kitchen at night crying, begging for help.
She is good for me right now. I trust her with my mental health and to help, guide, and sometimes kick my buns to better health for me.
I can see though her pulling back a bit. I understand that as I get better I need to gain confidence about standing on my own two feet. I mean I want to not be so in need to be healthier. But thinking about moving away, which I do want to do in a couple years, it makes my chest hurt. As j would say though, "You're not there yet."

Something I did with my therapist (actually we've done it a number of times) is we've made relaxation recordings (on a digital recorder) that work for me. Listening to another person do a guided relaxation usually doesn't work for me. I think it is a trust thing and I don't know why I'd ever trust a voice on Youtube but I don't feel safe relaxing with a stranger talking to me. There's years of paranoia involved. So after I once went in on the verge of hysteria and he did one with me and it WORKED I asked him to record one. Over 10 years we've recorded others as I moved from tape player to digital recorder and sometimes to include certain circumstances (I think the current one was taped before my ankle surgery and excludes the legs).

I am very attached to my therapist and find him comforting but I also know that he'll be comforting for so long and then he'll start pushing me to change something. So I think 1-2 visits per week is just enough. I have though in the past known that I just do better with talking to him and worked it out to call him while IP so I'm maybe not as tough as I talk .

I saw my t today. I asked her about the thing I needed to process with her which I will just say was cleansing my house of darkness through a ritual. It sounded like a fine way to cleanse my home of the darkness that seems to linger in my home and around me. However, my t didn't think it strange at all. She told me that if I was ever influenced by demons I no longer am since I am a christian and she gave me an alternative to this ritual of going through every room and speaking scriptures out loud and also posting scripture in every room of my house.

Other than that, I had a pretty desperate and sad appointment. I asked her at the end if she would be sad if something happened to me and she said she would be devastated as well as everyone in my life. She made it clear that I was not to have access to my meds. She told me to tell my parents to keep track if my husband would not do it. She asked me several times if I needed to be hospitalized and I said no. She made me say out loud that I would not harm myself. I'm just having a hard time right now.

So...I slept last night from 6 until 1:30 this afternoon waking only to get my kids ready for school. I woke to find my 2 year old scribbling all over my walls. We were out of magic erasers and I tried several different things, none of which worked. So, my husband came home to the mess. Surprisingly, he wasn't overly worried about it and was worried about me instead. He is finally distributing my meds starting tonight. I told him my therapist insisted if he doesn't do it I would have to get my parents to do it. I really don't want to worry them and I have a lot of control issues with just him doing it. So he says he is going to do it.

Other than that, I am still doing very poorly. I'm ready for bed already and I have no idea how I will stay awake to take care of my toddler tomorrow. Coffee??? Vyvanse??? Both??? What ever it is, the depression is beating the both of them. I just want to curl in a ball and cry.

They would be, cash. I lost my father at ten and my husband this year. Both things devastated me. Your kids would not get over it, trust me. I didn't "get over" my father dying for ten years. Just repressed the thoughts. I don't know if I'll ever be "over" my husband's death. It kills me inside knowing that it could have been prevented. For all your husband's faults, it seems like he does love you. He would never forgive himself if you died at your own hand. I'm having trouble forgiving myself for my husband's death and he didn't even do it on purpose. I just so wish he could have felt like he could talk to me and not turned to drugs. Your husband would forever be left wondering what he could have done differently.

Please believe me. Depression tells us lies and says no one would care or they would be better off. But they won't be.

Hugs. I hope we both start feeling better soon.

Cash,

My health insurance case coordinator is trying to get me an alarm pill dispenser. I only needed a Dr.s Prescription for it. She told me they also make ones that lock, and only open at certain times. You should be able to get a prescription for one of those, and your insurance might cover it. Check it out!

It's hard to imagine this is true...but I know it is. I am just sick of feeling this way and keep justifying that my family would be better off without me. My t does a good job of giving me the right perspective though. And, it's so nice to have her in my life. She doesn't judge and she has no expectations of me (other than I don't hurt myself).

You know there is nothing you could have done differently for your husband and he would hate to see you struggle with this. It is so tragic what happened to him and you can't put that blame on youself.

I look up to you so much because there is no way I could walk through this life without my husband. You are amazing! And don't forget that! I hope both of us are feeling better soon as well. Sometimes life sucks!

In my state Medicaid is more likely than any other insurance to pay for the locked auto pill boxes. Just so you know. We used them all the time when I was in home health.