Thoughts

As evening falls my depression seems to set in worst. Like I start to slide down a tunnel. I know when I try to lie down, I’m thinking of what’s to come tonight. What voices will I hear, the nightmares that invade my sleep, racing thoughts etc. The most vivid dreams wake me from what little sleep I get. Seroquel will zone you out, but sometimes it locks me in my dreams.

I have a recurring dream, which I’m walking on a path in a beautiful forest. The deeper I go it starts to close in around me, the peacefulness leaves me, and I’m overwhelmed by loneliness and darkness. I hear the creaking of metal coming down from the sky; a gate comes crashing in front of me. I try to get thru and there’s just enough room to squeeze to the other side. When another gate falls, it happens over and over.

My p-doc say’s it’s because I’m BP and can never get anything done. It’s my since of being a failure in dream state and in life. Since PC, I’ve been drawn out; I need to get things out. I read these posts of lives that are tragic and afraid, but they keep pulling them selves up one inch at a time.

I know I’m at home here so to speak; I will not be judged like I am in the real world. Does that make any since? I need this place.

I write the feeling of the moment the hour. I too am sitting here with my LT alone in a room where I stay most of the time; you at PC have become my portal to the world. Glad about that. My wife is out of town on business, so it’s to quite for me.

I’m afraid of cycling down again; I can feel it coming over me. The tremors, a wave of panic and depression envelops me. The headaches come, feel like my body is alive with electrical pluses that are all confused. No one has been able to fix this, after 19 yrs I’m tired.

Can’t write anymore, thanks for just listening. <font color="blue"> </font>

your down cause your alone. i do that. your not really alone. we are here. keep writting it helps to get it all out. i'm just a moment away. i know the dark places of which you speak. i too have dreams i'm locked in they mimic reality i never know i'm dreaming till i wake up. sucks. had on the other nigh bad i was raped. which mimics real life just reliving bad memories..pull your self up and make a decision you will win tonight. w/b i hope you check this tonight-onyx

Thanks Onyx,

Just lost and alone again. Had to get it out..........

hey not alone. never alone . my hubby even asked about you today. he's off at work so i know how you feel. tired and lonely at home. except i have kids to wrangle . and you can enjoy the peace and quite. except i don't know what i would do with my self if it were truley quite. i'd worry that's what i do best. worry and feel guilty i should have been catholic. atleast they can go to confession. .....well tried to pm you no luck just know i'm here . have a good night . and remember good things as you are driffting off to sleep. -want to talk with you i'll try to fix my java script so we can chat. until then have sweet dreams

Hi Tucker,

Welcome to PC. We are all here. We do not judge. We understand.

Jan

Hi Tucker!

I have been where you are..many times. The feelings of hopelessness & despair..and no-one seems to "get it" but you.

So we put on our "happy face" go to work, do our chores...with the tears just a blink away.

I am BP2...and I have been having the worst 10 mths of my life. I have reached "stability" which is usually short-lived, between hypomanic & depressive episodes.

Serooquel, Trazodone & zoploclone keep my racing thoughts at bay..and I am able to sleep @ least 4-5 hours.

I am wondering if the addition of a sleep medication or another
antipsychotic would be helpful for you..even if short term. The combo of these 3 for me at bedtime puts me under fairly quickly: no drowsiness following day.
Just a thought..it is SO difficult when one is troubled during the day & then cannot sleep.

I hope you can find some peace soon...

Grace03

Grace,

Thanks so much for your post, it means so much to me/we out here on the fringe; to know we have a place we're understood.
As far as sleep on top of the Seroquel, I take Ambein prn. Still the racing thoughts comes in waves of emotions. Simple things that anyone else would let slide, drive me nuts. Urgent thoughts,,, I just try to get thru the night, drive my wife crazy by getting in and out of bed, cause I fear whats in my dreams..

Just slip sliden away...............