[Roaming_bird]

Sometimes when I'm hypomanic, I wonder if I'm faking this illness, like I somehow can control it and I'm choosing to be manic and depressed. What if I'm doing it for attention? What if I'm doing it because I somehow enjoy the highs and lows? What if I can actually turn it on and off?

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by Roaming_bird

Sometimes when I'm hypomanic, I wonder if I'm faking this illness, like I somehow can control it and I'm choosing to be manic and depressed. What if I'm doing it for attention? What if I'm doing it because I somehow enjoy the highs and lows? What if I can actually turn it on and off?

What does it matter? Either way you're crazy!

[Roaming_bird]

Originally Posted by Icare dixit

What does it matter? Either way you're crazy!

But what type of crazy? On a scale of 1-10, how crazy would I be? Or maybe I should be more descriptive?

Can I be crazy now and not crazy in an hour?

If I believe I'm crazy, does that automatically make it true?

If I question my craziness, am I automatically crazy?

If I'm crazy now, what about tomorrow?

If I was an animal, what crazy animal would I be?

Which leads me to,
if a=crazy and b=paranoid then what does c=?

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by Roaming_bird

But what type of crazy? On a scale of 1-10, how crazy would I be? Or maybe I should be more descriptive?

Can I be crazy now and not crazy in an hour?

If I believe I'm crazy, does that automatically make it true?

If I question my craziness, am I automatically crazy?

If I'm crazy now, what about tomorrow?

If I was an animal, what crazy animal would I be?

Which leads me to,
if a=crazy and b=paranoid then what does c=?

Frankly, I think all those questions are a bit neurotically crazy. So that alone doesn't make you really crazy, really. But if you ever truly believe you are not and sometimes that you are, then you're really crazy.

I prefer the really crazy variety. Neurotics make me giddy, which is crazy (literally).

I wish I was faking it. I've tried so hard to convince my family that I don't have bp. But I do. Soon hopefully I'll get a little hypo. But damn the zyprexa has removed it it seems. I miss being hypo!

[Ocean Swimmer]

I do think that it's a typical bipolar mind trick.
I get that way ip. Or sometimes with T.
Or I just doubt myself when depression begins to fade and I turn corner to mania.
It's an illusion.

[BipolaRNurse]

Being hospitalized in October 2014 made me finally realize that I wasn't faking it. No one would fake being so depressed that they want off the planet. And as mu;ch fun as hypo/mania can be, no one would choose to alienate friends and family, endanger their jobs or be unable to control themselves. You're npt faking it, your disease is real so don't torment yourself with those thoughts. HUGS

[xxblackrosesxx]

Nah you're not faking it. It's very real.

[chelseabryn]

I understand completely where you're coming from. I feel like this all the time - you're not alone!

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[Crazy Hitch]

Ditto - what roses said

[Icare dixit]

Also those who always realise their problem (those with only neurotic, not psychotic tendencies) are not faking it, so we certainly aren't.

Even if we would do it ourselves, it being purely psychogenic (which it isn't, but neurosis can be), we still have a problem we can not just think away. As long as you try to manage.

In my experience, especially we sometimes try too hard and feel guilty for not having enough control over it, while we might've thought we could control all and everything maybe only a day ago.

Don't beat yourself up. Never feel guilty for who you are.

[Roaming_bird]

Mental illness: it's all in our head.

[violetgreen]

You sound really self-aware. For me, I need some distance from the hypomania to name it. But it's a ride.

[Lanadelle]

Insane people never question their sanity... They think nothing is wrong.... You sound sane to me☀️

[Roaming_bird]

Lanadell, lol!

violet, it's taken me so long and so much s**t to have any self-awareness. I'd write out my history, but it would take forever and shock and bore people to death. I do believe self-awareness comes through experience, even horrible experience. It's taken me over 20 years to be able to look back on my life and understand. It's taken me a lifetime to respect myself enough to believe that my being alive is a good thing.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by Roaming_bird

Sometimes when I'm hypomanic, I wonder if I'm faking this illness, like I somehow can control it and I'm choosing to be manic and depressed. What if I'm doing it for attention? What if I'm doing it because I somehow enjoy the highs and lows? What if I can actually turn it on and off?

Wow I just typed out a novel and realized how completely insane I sound because I am hypo right now. Ok so keeping it to the subject... In my experience, it's not until something serious happens that we want to admit we are sick. And even then, we sometimes end up in the same hole countless times. Just another wake up call I'd say. I admit that even after losing my job just two wks ago, I'm not making the best of choices for my mental health at the moment. However I DID seek help from a pdoc at the moment after I walked out of being fired, and like I mentioned in my last post, he told me to "deal with it". So I really don't have any options but to wait till I see my regular pdoc. I am going crazy... From lack of sleep at least that much I do know! I'm just being really hard on myself tonight I guess! Going back to my hole and my mountain of junk food now...(I've gained 5lbs since I lost my job. Yikes).

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[furiousfever]

In the moment, I never feel nuts. Maybe just "off". It's always when I look back that I see how I was truly "out to lunch"
I do obsess over my bp tho. I can't get out of the is it/isn't it real loop. I don't know if I'm trying to prove to myself whether it's real or if whether it's fake. I don't know which side it is.

[Row Jimmy]

I used to think that I could turn it off and on when I pleased. I might come from how society views mental illness. I would have thoughts akin to "this is just who I am" or "I can turn it on and off when I want". But time caught up with me and I realized it wasn't true. I did have an issue and have noticed some (but not complete) improvement now that I have a diagnosis.

Life sort of gets in the way for me. I tend to forget during the day that I'm BP2 and downplay it now and then. I never thought I was really "faking it" per se, but there was always this feeling that I didn't have a "real" problem. It was something that I manufactured on my own. Now I know that isn't true and I'm OK with being a little "off" when compared to others I know.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Agree with the above.
I've been diagnosed for 12 yrs now and didn't even take my medication seriously until less than a yr ago! Even after 3 IP stays. I played around, would run out of meds and just plain didn't go back because I THOUGHT I had fixed myself with a few months of medication. And I did that on and off for years, while being a alcoholic. And that period ended veryyy badly for me until I got back on meds and got serious about taking them every single day. I haven't touched alcohol since last May. It's kinda sad what we do put ourselves through just for that peaceful thought that "it's all in my head". So believe me when I say, it's very real... And it's friggin scary the day you realize it lol.

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[Row Jimmy]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

I haven't touched alcohol since last May.

Awesome! You're the best. Keep it up. I used to drink a lot too but I quit when I was diagnosed. Was it the BP that made me drink? Or did the alcohol trigger the BP? Who gives a bleep! Haha!

We climb the mountain one step at a time.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by Row Jimmy

Awesome! You're the best. Keep it up. I used to drink a lot too but I quit when I was diagnosed. Was it the BP that made me drink? Or did the alcohol trigger the BP? Who gives a bleep! Haha!


We climb the mountain one step at a time.

Thank you! For me I'd say the BP made me drink because I was self medicating. I was desperate to numb the chaos in my head or to fall asleep at night.

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[bbTofu]

Originally Posted by Roaming_bird

Sometimes when I'm hypomanic, I wonder if I'm faking this illness, like I somehow can control it and I'm choosing to be manic and depressed. What if I'm doing it for attention? What if I'm doing it because I somehow enjoy the highs and lows? What if I can actually turn it on and off?

This is so relevant, I had been asking this question for long time.

When my T and pdoc tried to medicate my happiness (my mania) I was 100% positive that I'm not really ill but rather getting depressed because some external cause, that is yet to be known.

When I was depressed I believed that it is me who chooses to be depressed, it is me who doesn't allow myself to get out of this, hence it is me choosing it/faking it.

Today I'm probably getting out of 1 month depression. probably because I felt better one day thought it's over and then crashed at evening for another couple of days.

This is what makes it clearer to me that I'm ill, but this is so tricky for me because I'm very blinded by my present state. Now I feel good - and I'm tempted to stop my medication-treatment cuz I think - well I'm on them only for 2 weeks so it's NOT them helping me, it's all me.

....

I have thoughts like this a lot since I've gone to see a therapist. I think a lot of it can be made worse because of how society portrays mental illness as something that is completely incapacitating, and not that that level of extreme does not exist or is not experienced at some point with a lot of people with BPD, but just because you have good days doesn't mean what you are really feeling isn't valid. I grew up in a family that was always saying things like "you don't mean it", "it's just a phase", "you're not really this or that you're just acting like it, faking it" etc.. I think that's frustrating for a lot of us as we get older and need to recognize our feelings, it's easy to be dismissive of ourselves.

AGH again I thought BPD mean bipolar!

[AncientMelody]

Much of my psychiatric symptoms are internalized, I don't have a ton of outward behavioral signs (part of the reason I suspect I may have hypomanias that went undiagnosed). For example my bipolar screen is pretty negative....but I screened using a hypomania scale and I had a lot of strong indicators.

So I don't feel like I personally am faking anything...the only one who has really SEEN outward signs has been my husband. But as for trying to "trigger" a hypomanic episode I do kind of get that. My episodes have been fairly shortlived but I've kind of reveled in them. for someone in particular who struggles with chronic daytime sleepiness the hypomanias feel like a godsend