i have not had 1 suicidal thought yet, and it's now quarter past 11 in the morning

yay for me

just wish the sun would bugger off and the rain would return

hate the sun... hate how it triggers my feelings of agoraphobia

[Icare dixit]

Cathartic writing.

I think it might develop quickly into mania again today, since I'm now relieved from depression.

I want a steady state, but I'm grateful that kind of depression is gone in just an hour or two, now.

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

i have not had 1 suicidal thought yet, and it's now quarter past 11 in the morning

yay for me

just wish the sun would bugger off and the rain would return

hate the sun... hate how it triggers my feelings of agoraphobia

Agoraphobic sunny weather, I know that one.

It must be that people used to lots of rain and changeable weather are especially vulnerable, don't you think? The extremely steady state of just the sun makes things so depressing, like empty.

It's the weather equivalent of depression: empty, understimulating, the sun the equivalent of anxiety, being what remains. No dynamic, just incessant sun, incessant anxiety.

Is that anything like how it feels? It does for me.

[Prism Bunny]

I am tensed up, and I feel protective. Though still in a depressive episode; I know it will change, things will get better. But man, the crying spells and the intense, relentless emotional and mental obstacles are weighted on one's soul and heart. The nights are too short, and the daytime kicks in my insomnia. My anxiety lurks and springs at me like a jack in a box; scaring me instantly.

*sigh* I need a hug.

[hopeless2015]

HUGS prism bunny!
I'm up getting ready for work, back to reality and life whether I'm ready or not!

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[Icare dixit]

2 pm, 1600 mcg mB12 and methylfolate, 150 mg 5-HTP.

The colour represents a mood between mania and depression at the baseline, while being between stability and instability/mixed (a tiny bit more towards mixed). So rather changeable. Volatility scale is not linear time-wise, but it is linear frequency-distribution-wise (more or less).

The lighter the colour, the more volatile the mood, the more mood changes, cycling moods.

I might change that scheme to include severity and reduce the current dimensions.

Edit:
But severity may be rather dependent, able to be described by a function, derived.

Now, there is dimension including dysphoric mania and incongruently/bipolar psychotic depression or clearly alternating mood polarity but faster than one can determine the colour.

Anxiety may deserve a separate dimension, but may also (in part) be derived from volatility and mood range.

Another edit:
I've added two dimensions: strength of (possibly ambivalent) beliefs and anxiety. Together with volatility (say over the last week; this could mean the end of a long period of mania and severe depression, not just longer mixed states) they determine the colour's tone.

The valences (points on each scale) are 2, 2 and 4, respectively. The proportional (ratios of) influences are 1/2, 1/4 and 1/4 respectively.

If anyone is interested I might write a decision tree algorithm.

Gotten 0 work done. Can't concentrate. Probably won't get much work done the rest of the day

Story of my life

[Gabyunbound]

I still haven't gotten over this flu -constant fevers and body and headaches, etc., etc. Missing SO much work

[Rjaye]

Feeling really off today. I think I am taking too much Lamictal. Am going to cut it back to where I had it and not what the doc thought I was taking.

Off to get coffee.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Icare dixit

2 pm, 1600 mcg mB12 and methylfolate, 150 mg 5-HTP.

.

I think 5-HTP can be activating....how long have you been taking it?
bizi

[gina_re]

It's tourist season. FYI...I understand you're lost and may not know where you are going, but please don't stop in the middle of the walkway or walk extra slow. I still need to catch my train home/get to work on time.

[gina_re]

I've also fallen behind on my posts. I know there is no obligation to do so, but I miss being up to date. Checking in now on my lunch break, but will respond to as much as I can as soon as I am able.

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by bizi

I think 5-HTP can be activating....how long have you been taking it?
bizi

This is the second time. I wanted to test it when stable.

But as now severe depression has set in again, I realise I'm still cycling. I was really functional, so it makes sense.

I honestly don't know whether I can do this much longer. It's the first time this happened without prior mania and after a relatively stable period of many months. I was slowly recovering from a long delusional period and anxiety, learning to function with some stability.

If it remains like this, it's rather pointless to go on, maybe. I will. I will always, but I wish this kind of thing was a bit more evenly distributed among all people.

It's so tiring. All I do is keeping the boat afloat.



But I will do further experiments with it. Taking in at the exact time that I get depressed. It's very mild for a mixed state, so it might work. I also experiment with other supplements and nicotine.

[Icare dixit]

All that glitters is not gold.

Like discovering planets by their gravitational pull, I discovered some more mania/psychosis in the past few months than I thought there was.

I feel a bit lost.

[hopeless2015]

After spending the weekend at a mental health facility and staying home yesterday I made it to work and my appointment with bankruptcy lawyer, didn't have a meltdown when I found out how much more paperwork I need to collect. I'm feeling better today, calmer than I have in quite some time

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[bizi]

Originally Posted by Icare dixit

All that glitters is not gold.

Like discovering planets by their gravitational pull, I discovered some more mania/psychosis in the past few months than I thought there was.

I feel a bit lost.

I am sorry that you feel lost.
Wish I could help.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Had an ok day. Still worried about my son. Went with my peer counselor and got a coffee and talked. Took a long bath. I hope my son never smokes weed again...I really think he did. I love him so much, just want the best for him.

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by bizi

I am sorry that you feel lost.
Wish I could help.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

That's kind of you. I don't think there's much that can be done. It's tiring bit it my mood states alternate not too slow or too quick for me to do anything dangerous. I'm actually very much used to this. I just didn't expect to experience it now I was relatively stable on meds. Ah, well.

It'll be fine.

[Prism Bunny]

Originally Posted by gina_re

It's tourist season. FYI...I understand you're lost and may not know where you are going, but please don't stop in the middle of the walkway or walk extra slow. I still need to catch my train home/get to work on time.

Oh man, tourist seasons are awful. I live in the Smoky Mountains, and there are signs that advertise tourist rides, shops, and buildings. And of course, a few signs for the actual attractions that involve the mountains itself. *sigh*

Traffic with terrible drivers, sidewalks filled with people, and rude tourists almost steer me away from all the summer fun. Ugh.

[Blaire]

Hi everyone, my first post on this thread, so let me know if I should be doing anything differently.

I've been increasing my seroquel to try to address the rapid cycling. Not sure if it's working, but I've had a couple pretty good days. It makes me feel a little spacey sometimes, but nothing major. This morning I'm having some random anxiety. I'm going to try for a stable day. When I keep having these little hypomanic spikes, it's so tempting to roll with them - turn the music up and drive fast, run around the office talking to everyone, buy something frivolous on my lunch break - it just feels so intense and good! The last thing I want in those moments is to sit quietly and calm myself down. It feels so frustrating and unfair. But I'm going to try really hard to stay focused today.

[Coconutzo]

I'm confused and overwhelmed. My moods and the manageability of my life keep changing. Like too fast. Furiously ferociously fast. Last spring/summer was like this too. My brain is filled with obsession,apprehension, apparent and sudden invincibility. Sleep is all over. Drugs are worthless.
Maybe supplements will help? Maybe exercise? Maybe I will get my wits about me and sit in the doctor's chair once again, saying, " I'm sure it's fine. It's fine. It's probably fine" while cackling nervously. It's not fine. I'm not fine. To hell with my inability to speak my mind and share my feelings. My burden on the world is my burden alone, because I am not a burden, but a coward.
But a crow.
Given, in three hours I will probably be a different girl. In different skin that is not so indifferent and not so defeated.


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Feeling especially pissed off for no reason today...

Doesn't help that I got woken up by voices this morning... Stupid voices kept telling me to "wake up, wake up", then asked "what are you doing? Wake up"

Couldn't go back to sleep. The voices didn't stop until I physically got out of my bed... so it's not like I had much choice. Very commanding

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings /sarcasm

[Coconutzo]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Feeling especially pissed off for no reason today...

Doesn't help that I got woken up by voices this morning... Stupid voices kept telling me to "wake up, wake up", then asked "what are you doing? Wake up"

Couldn't go back to sleep. The voices didn't stop until I physically got out of my bed... so it's not like I had much choice. Very commanding

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings /sarcasm

I'm sorry,blue. This sounds incredibly frustrating and scary. ::



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[Blaire]

Originally Posted by Coconutzo

I'm confused and overwhelmed. My moods and the manageability of my life keep changing. Like too fast. Furiously ferociously fast. Last spring/summer was like this too. My brain is filled with obsession,apprehension, apparent and sudden invincibility. Sleep is all over. Drugs are worthless.
Maybe supplements will help? Maybe exercise? Maybe I will get my wits about me and sit in the doctor's chair once again, saying, " I'm sure it's fine. It's fine. It's probably fine" while cackling nervously. It's not fine. I'm not fine. To hell with my inability to speak my mind and share my feelings. My burden on the world is my burden alone, because I am not a burden, but a coward.
But a crow.
Given, in three hours I will probably be a different girl. In different skin that is not so indifferent and not so defeated.


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I can't communicate this stuff to my doc either. I'm a bumbling mess in person. I usually have to write it all out ahead of time and just hand it to her to read. That gets the job done. Wishing you the best, I can relate to so much of what you said.

[hopeless2015]

I'm feeling calm and peaceful today...hope it lasts

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