Embarrassed

I have felt "wound up" since last night. I took a 45 minute shower then did some housework at almost midnight then couldn't sleep, my husband worked 3rd shift so it was the kids and me but they were sleeping soundly.

I haven't eaten today and hardly ate yesterday. On top of that, I had 3 cups of coffee, one of which was Starbucks. I drank the entire Venti iced white chocolate mocha while in my therapy session. My therapist said "I guess that caffeine has kicked in, huh?." I couldn't sit still, I kept thinking I needed to be up walking and I told her that. She said I seemed hyper. I asked her if she thought I was safe to drive telling her I had driven to her office with Janis Joplin BLARING and perhaps inattentive. She suggested maybe I take a walk around the office before I drive. I didn't listen. But, I did breathe deeply, turn down the music and paid my best attention to the road and other drivers.

Anyway, the entire session I felt wired. I had (have) warm butterflies in my stomach. I feel like they are fluttering and daring little balls of energy. I feel like I couldn't stop talking and that I couldn't calm down. I told her I felt idiotic.

After I left (about 10 minutes after), I called and left her a voice message about my puzzling affect and my inability to calm myself. I told her she didn't need to call me back but that I just wanted her to know my embarrassment and wanted to apologize.

Now I feel embarrassed about the phone call and I want to call her to explain that, ha!

When I got home, I took my meds. Within a half an hour I felt significantly calmer and even lethargic. I hate how all this **** messes with my mind, causes it to race, causes me to look and act sometimes like a teenager. I want to crawl in a hole on one hand and I want to fly on the other.

I so relate to you. Yesterday I went to the studio and painted three 30x40 canvasses in one session. I was hopped up. The colors flowed and swirled. I met new people, had fascinating conversations. Then my whole being zigzagged redder and hotter. I had the music on high, I drove fast, smoked a bunch if cigs, bought a Les Paul guitar, bought art supplies in the middle of painting bc i was painting all the canvases up so fast, did some incredible art though. Got home, couldn't harness the energetic schizoplanes. Felt crazy. Called a friend. She came over, was headed to an NA meeting but I wasn't able to maintain myself. Completely screwed in the head. Had to stay home and miss it. Couldn't sit still. Couldn't just be. Felt like I was in a zillion pieces. This is life. So scared about today and whether I would crash. Prayed for stability and got it today. I drink half decalf. Coffee doesn't affect me too much. Hell, I had to give up liquor and pills and I've cut out processed sugar. I can have a cup of coffee or three!

It sounds like you would be a cool friend or neighbour to have if I lived in the States. You'd be the kind of person I'd like to know. Your illness makes you creative but also you. I like the Janis and Starbucks combo. Mine would be Adele and a double expressso from Nero.

I suffered from manic highs for a long time. Racing thoughts, forced speech, impulsive shopping, risky sex....etc. I finally found the right combination of medications and I'm now stable. I have to take my medications every day or I'm a mess. Since I don't want to be a mess in take them. I hate taking medications, but I hate being a manic mess even more. Saying inappropriate things, putting people off etc. If a medication is causing lethargy maybe try a lower dose, or a different medication .

Sent from my SM-T550 using Tapatalk

Caffeine has had that effect on me too. I felt like I was bouncing off the walls!

Thank you so much; that is quite a compliment. Wouldn't it be cool if we could put faces and voices to our user names? It would be thoroughly fun to meet and relate to folks who understand. Wishful thinking.

Also, I love Adele as well (so...I assume you have great taste) but have never heard of Nero.

Yes! Caffeine doesn't usually have THIS effect on me though. Combined with lack of sleep and driving like a bat out of hell, it made its mark. I am just so embarrassed! I mean she must have thought a lunatic had taken over me. I recall her only seeing me depressed as I have mostly been for the almost 7 months I have seen her. She expects me to cry at most sessions, to vent about my husband, and to be as self aware as possible regarding my depression. But this, hardly. She asked me at one point to explain back to her what she had just told me. I was able to recap but only with my eyes closed and after much concentration. I must admit that there was plenty I didn't get. I kept smiling at her, even if she mentioned something somber about my relationship with my husband. I would even giggle...completely inappropriate responses. I kept interrupting her or agreeing with her using emphatic "yeses" and imperious "absolutelys." It was ridiculous. I was ridiculous. OMG!

Let's just hope I can sleep tonight and wake up less insane.

One time I was really hypomanic/manic, and a little tiny bit of caffeine sent me shooting through the roof. Most other times, I can drink it like no tomorrow. Out of superstition I used to drink lots of coffee thinking as long as I could stomach it, I wasn't (hypo)manic but I have seen caffeine sensitivity come and go with me. Does nothing on me when I'm super low, does more when I'm elevated, and just randomly moves around the extent of effect it has. Can't give it up though...

I'm no expert, but I think it's good that you recognize something's a little off. That's all that's needed to try to start to work towards feeling more like yourself. No need to be embarrassed (at least I tell myself).

I need to ixsnay the tupiditysay...it seems I didn't sleep well again last night. I slept from 1 to 3:30 and then from about 5:30 to 7. Taking it in stride like a champion.

I'm ready for my group this morning but am concerned I may monopolize the conversation (pretty sure I did that yesterday). Anyway, ha! Hope everyone has a beautiful day!

This is Nero Caffè Nero. It's a chain like Starbucks only waaaaaaaaay stronger coffee!

Oh I can SO relate to this. I feel GREAT when I have all this energy, I accomplish so much and just feel peppy... but when I look back on my actions a few days later (what I can remember of them anyway) I am so embarrassed of how much I talked, how I am unable to express my ideas and thoughts and just stutter and repeat myself, how I do silly goofy crazy things... I bounce off the walls and it's fun while it's happening but it's embarrassing when I think about it later.
I don't have a way to contact my T outside of session but if I could I would do the same as you, call her and apologize for not being able to focus and for being crazy, haha.

I just remembered... at my last session, I was so distracted and jumpy and jittery and my train of thought was so disrupted that my T literally interrupted me to ask "annielovesbacon, how much sleep have you gotten this past week?" and when I said I hadn't slept in a couple days she said "I thought so." I was so embarrassed by my erratic behavior

Dear, You are not supposed to drink so much coffee when you are bipolar!

Haha! It doesn't usually have such an effect on me though, I swear! I can't even imagine giving it up!

I have called my Dr and left little messages like that. "You don't have to call back but I wanted to tell you_____".

If I did what I should, I would only drink a small cup of coffee on a depressed day to give me a boost. I can't have 2 cups or I get wacky.

I avoid caffeine because sometimes its fine and I can drink to my hearts content, but sometimes and I never know when it causes me to be irritably manic, like gtf out of my way and let me race around doing xyz. I get frustrated when life prevents me from doing my manic obsession. Not a good combo with kiddos around. I wouldn't worry about your T though because likely she has seen worse and if anything maybe it validates your need for therapy. Sometimes I feel like, 'why do I come here?'