I am scared. Not for myself but for my loved ones if something doesn't give soon

I don't even know where to start..maybe just being honest would help. I am scared. I am angry that I have not been diagnosed with bipolar depression and have just been told I have depression and anxiety. I feel time has been wasted. I was told for the first time by my general practitioner that he believed my depression was not just depression and asked if I had ever been tested for bipolar disorder. I balked at him as my mother, sister, husband are all bipolar. But mine is different. So I did some research as my antidepressants seemed to not be working and any other kind I tried made my symptoms way worse. I have every single symptom of bipolar II. It has gotten to the point where I am just surviving day to day doing the bare minimum to keep up a front of being a good mom and wife, until I can slide back into bed and sleep until I have to get up. I have no appetite at all. My moods swings are to the point of scaring myself. I can go weeks without showering and not care at all. Only showering and getting dressed when I absolutely have to to keep up the front. Which is rare as I have no desire to go anywhere at all save the school ride taking my kids to school and picking them up. But even then there is no sense in putting on anything but the yoga pants and hoodie I live in. I hate everything about myself. I hate the world. The only thing that keeps me going is my kids. I know without a doubt that if I did not have them I would have killed myself a long time ago. I lost my sister in law to suicide 2 years ago and I am daily reminded that I can't do what she did because of the pain it would leave on my family as she did. But I still want to. I still am jealous of her that she got out of this world and I am still here hanging on by a thread. I am never happy. I don't think it is possible to be happy. I feel like the world is cruel and there is nothing to be happy about. I just want to be left alone but can't bear the thought of hurting my kids the way I see my nephew and nieces hurt everyday. I feel like I am doomed to this misery and am so scared that I won't ever be able to feel any ounce of enjoying life again. And to be honest I don't care. But then I guess I do if I HAVE to stay alive. But living for everyone else and battling these feelings day in and day out, I just want at least to feel content. I can live without happiness but I wish I had a desire to live at all. I graduated nursing school and should be an RN 6 years ago next week and yet my world started to spin out of control in my last semester and all my longings to be a nurse are gone. I think everyone would be better off without me they just don't realize it. I am supposed to meet with a psychiatrist soon and I am terrified of being hospitalized and even more afraid that no meds will work as I have been through so many antidepressants that have only made things worse except for zoloft which I have been on for 10 years since my first baby was born. But in the last 6 years I feel like the hole I am in keeps getting deeper and deeper. I guess if anyone has even taken the time to read this, if you have any advice or any type of support, I could use it. It has taken a lot of effort that I normally wound not use to get into this forum and to type this out. But I feel like if something doesn't give, I will only get worse and the outcome or the end of me won't be pretty. And I don't want to hurt my family. I don't care about me. I am ok with pain. But I can't do what I want to do so I guess it is time to try to get some help. Thank you if you are still reading this.

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Hello I Am Doomed: Welcome to PC bipolar forums.
Must of us have been in your situation more than once.
However, even if the symptoms are alike, you may have certain traits
exclusive to you. Only a good doctor can get to the botton of it.
My personal suggestion would be to get a definitive diagnostic first.
Then to get proper medications for what you have.
I wish you all the best in your search.

Hugs, maybe new Dr will have suggestions on a med change that can make a difference...what about therapy? I understand how your feeling I've been there

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Sending you big hugs. You need help. If you don't feel your current doc is listening to your concerns, tell him/her and truly consider if this person is working for, or against your best interests. (((((Another hug))))

Oh god I've been there and I'm so sorry. It sounds like you need to go to a proper psychiatrist and get reevaluated. Just being on antidepressants won't help ****.
Also, I'm so sorry about your loss. Grieving on top of depression is a lot.
Big hugs to you. All I can say is that I've been through it and the only thing that helped me was time and reminding myself that these feelings, and all feelings, are temporary.

I'll bet that with the right medications you will be well again. Of course that starts by getting the right diagnosis, and hopefully your new psychiatrist will be able to provide that for you. I cannot offer any advice whatsoever, but I do know that when you are in the depths of depression, as you are, it's like you are in a deep hole and you can't get out. With the right meds, you'll climb to the surface and be able to see the world as it is again. Bipolar meds tend to make people flat, with neither extreme highs nor lows, so many of us miss the joy that can come from everyday life. But at least you'll be able to feel content with life, which is what you seem to be asking for. Best of luck to you. Hang on a little longer, and everything will be fine.

It sounds like you're going through the same depression I am. It's a thin line between this and dysphoria so watch out for that one. I think you should see a pdoc and get a proper diagnosis and meds. You've been on Zoloft a long time and it sounds like it stopped working or you need to increase the dose. And be careful because ADs can absolutely make BP worst. If that's what you do have. The only AD I can take is lexapro but I stopped it for sexual dysfunction. Not fun. In the mean time while you're waiting for a proper DX, get the right amount of rest and eat well. The first rule for me and achieving sanity is getting the right amount of sleep. Staying up the whole night spins me out of wack for sure. I hope you are able to get the right answers and help. ((Hugs)). I'm in the same boat you are.

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I am so sorry you are going through this. It might not seem like it to you, but many of us here have been where you are. I know exactly what it is like not to shower for days on end and to crawl back into bed (or on the couch) all day.
I got on a new med a few weeks ago and it lifted my depression. I feel good now and am taking another crack at life.
My old psychologist told me "If you hurt yourself, your kids will never get over it". This kept me going through many bad times. Am thinking of you and hoping things ease up.
Do get to a real psychiatrist and get on proper meds.

Not sure if this helps much at this point in time but a lot of us have been down that same hole. It sounds to me like you are just being treated by a GP. Try to get to a pdoc (psychiatrist) as soon as you can for a proper diagnosis and the right meds that work for you. It IS possible to crawl out of that hole, too often GP's mean well but sometimes they are just out of their element with BP. Good luck and welcome to PC, you will find lots of people here that can relate to what you are going through.