[cashart10]

I would share music but tonight it would be christian music and I know most of you would duck the songs and likely this post because of that.

My mom says not to worry. She says when I become too preoccupied with my faith she can tell me and knows what to look for. The problem is, I don't tell her everything. And, I'm sitting here basking in anxiety, borderline panicked, contemplating showering but aware that this night could possibly become very bizarre if I do shower. I feel like I have a spirit with me. And I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7. So, either this presence is an angel that has come to be with me and guide me and whose presence is overwhelming me, or it is a spirit of fear straight from the devil. Either way, it feels like a shower is the only resolution. To be covered by healing waters. To bask in water, to have it fall on me. To sit down in what feels like rain fall. To be rescued by the Lord from this burden. I feel like I could vomit this away. I am knee deep in the word of God from Scriptures I know from memory and in lyrics to the music I am carrying to worship God. I am contemplating going back to my old mentor's ministry to be cleansed. I just need to become worship. I have shackles on my hands and scales on my eyes. I wish I could shake my husband, cleanse his evil thoughts. Carry him through his grief. I just want normalcy. I need very much to sleep as I know that my situation could quickly go downhill but, at the same time, I feel like who would want to pass on the ecstasy that is likely just around the corner. How could so much turmoil be placed on a person with an ever present mental illness? I need to squeeze myself silly. And, I need to do something with this sex. I once believed that the Lord kept me from sleeping with my husband one night so that I could be made holy in the presence of God. I feel like I am becoming one with the Lord, or at least with his message. “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” 1 Corinthians 15:55

[cashart10]

And now, after typing that out, I have butterflies, the good kind. The kind that brings passion. The kind that brings a rush of emotions. I feel like a warrior.

[Nammu]

((((((Cas)))))

Sending big healing hugs your way.

[cashart10]

And, as I am listening to an artist named Rita Springer, I heard Janis Joplin sing. I am listening closely to see if this happens again. Janis Joplin is long deceased. I have the same song on loop. I know it is making things worse but I have SO MUCH ANXIETY about turning it off. I keep restarting it before it ends because I feel like something bad will happen if the song end on its own.

[raspberrytorte]

Instead of taking a shower, could you sprinkle some water on your face? That could cleanse and the night won't end bizarre.

Though it could anyway I suppose, but hopefully not.

Hugs!

[cashart10]

And, I was momentarily panicked because I thought that there were trumpets sounding outside and that I wouldn't be raptured. Upon greater reasoning, I was able to discern that it was just a car revving it's engine.

Sorry for the play by play. I just need to post my thoughts to gather and perhaps rationalize them.

[raspberrytorte]

Hey, cash... it's good you're at least having a positive experience with positive thoughts. We're having exact opposite experiences right now.

[HALLIEBETH87]

How ya doing?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

How ya doing?

Thanks Hallie for checking on me. I didn't take a shower last night but I have no idea what time I went to sleep. I was still awake when my husband came in around 5:30 this morning with my mind racing and with the giggles. I was able to nap some this morning though. I have run out of clozapine and can't get a refill until they have my bloodwork. So, this afternoon I went for blood work. I blared Janis Joplin, especially the song Move Over, and at one point, accidentally drove 25 miles above the speed limit. I caught myself and got out of the fast lane but I was still unreasonably into the music, with the giggles again. Last night I was seeing shadows in my home. I feel excited right now.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Cas I'm concerned. Are you going into psychosis?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

Cas I'm concerned. Are you going into psychosis?

Thank you! I think there is no concern. I think I am bouncing off of stress. My husband reiterated today that there is no hope for reconciliation. So, ha! is what I think. Screw him. He is beneath me...an ant below my feet. I think that I am on top of him; that I am far more reasonable. I will never again proposition him for sex. He is on his own. My high will come from the arms of my Savior whose comfort and rest will be frequent in my mourning. I am blessed!

[Anrea]

Originally Posted by cashart10

And, as I am listening to an artist named Rita Springer, I heard Janis Joplin sing. I am listening closely to see if this happens again. Janis Joplin is long deceased. I have the same song on loop. I know it is making things worse but I have SO MUCH ANXIETY about turning it off. I keep restarting it before it ends because I feel like something bad will happen if the song end on its own.

Cash Sweety, I really like you. Don't stop posting just because you think people (including me) will judge you. We learn from everything others say.

You really are clearly going through what so many of us has, an episode of delusion.

Look, I believe some of the things I experienced that would be considered miracles were miracles and actual spiritual things, but when they go beyond just a momentary reminder from God that we are loved, into hours and even days of being surrounded by the episode, we are not being healthy.

It is not healthy for you at this very important change in your life to be basking in the invisible world. If it comes from God, he knows you have stuff to focus on, if it comes from elsewhere, it isn't helping - so either way, you can do yourself a favor by taking a prn of an anti-psychotic, and contacting your pdoc and telling him you did.

When I start to see things crawl along walls, or start to get too psychic, or aware of invisible things, I recognize I need a PRN. (as needed) and I take an extra Perphenazine (Trilafon) and I leave a message at my Dr.s office that I did it. She knows I handle my meds well and don't abuse them so I don't get in trouble for doing this.

Hugs Cash. Try to focus on what you can physically touch.

[Anrea]

And Cash, I don't remember a lot of my childrens young lives because I was so caught up in my own delusions. Because I was not medicated and untreated - I became very self absorbed in the invisible world, and really - even though I thought I was taking care of my kids, now that they are 23 and 29 - I think back on their childhood, and a lot of what I remember is about me, and what I was going through.

I am not happy at how I parented and there are no do-overs.

(((((((((Cash))))))))) I'm concerned for you too, and Anrea put it well. I read your posts last night, but it was the middle of the night and I didn't know what to say. Basically... this sounds a whole lot like psychosis you've had in the past that turned very problematic. I'm all for feeling strong and (ack, still at loss for right words...) all, but it's beyond that a bit. Just saying. Not judging. Just concerned. Please be careful.

[BipolaRNurse]

Cash, I'm concerned too. You sound manic and I'm afraid the religiosity is bordering on psychosis. I know how it is, I've had many mystical experiences myself and love to believe that they came from God. Maybe they did, but they may also have come from an overheated brain...I doubt I'll ever know for sure, at least not while I'm still here on earth.

I heard once that if one talks to God, it's prayer; if He talks back to them, it's psychosis. I don't necessarily believe that, but to be honest, it's only when I'm in the throes of mania that I have intense religious experiences. I never have them now that I'm adequately medicated, and I'd be the first to wonder if I'm coming off the spool if it were to happen now.

Please get some rest if you can, stay out of the shower, and have a little talk with your pdoc ASAP. I'm worried about you.

[Victoria'smom]

Cash, when do you see your T? you sound unwell right now and it has to be controlled as your husband will use this against you.

[raspberrytorte]

I don't know why you were prepositioning your husband for sex anyway. He's mean. You should be slapping him in the face. lol!

[cashart10]

Wow! Thank you all for your concern.

MM, I see my t tomorrow. Maybe I will share some of this thread with her. Although, even though I don't think I sound crazy, I know that other people will think that and she has told me to caution what I tell her just in case it gets nasty (I still don't think it will). I am SCARED to share with her because of this. I will tell her my fears up front and go from there. My pdoc told me that if they subpoena my records it will look badly for my husband as he left me in control of the kids for significant amounts of time even when I was psychotic. He told me that if they try to subpoena his records he will fight them tooth and nail before he releases them.

Tonight I went to my group. Between almost pulling out all of my hair (seriously) and my persistent movement, I am not sure how they let me stay let alone how I made it through. I couldn't focus on much and if something was asked of me it took enormous amounts of time to scrounge an answer. Then, once I started talking, I couldn't stop. Truthfully, I am well aware that I am manic; I'm banking on it staying moderate and under control. I have 2 prns. 1 is an increase of the Klonapin I already take, and 1 is Haldol. I am concerned if I take the Haldol that I will actually sleep but then not be able to get up for my appt tomorrow. I need that appt. Maybe I will take 1 1/2 Klonapin instead of just 1/2 Klonapin.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I don't know why you were prepositioning your husband for sex anyway. He's mean. You should be slapping him in the face. lol!

Ha! Thanks love! This is the question of a lifetime. I should be slapping him repeatedly.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Anrea

And Cash, I don't remember a lot of my childrens young lives because I was so caught up in my own delusions. Because I was not medicated and untreated - I became very self absorbed in the invisible world, and really - even though I thought I was taking care of my kids, now that they are 23 and 29 - I think back on their childhood, and a lot of what I remember is about me, and what I was going through.

I am not happy at how I parented and there are no do-overs.

[Victoria'smom]

T's there for you. Tell her even if it's just "I'm manic and possibly psychotic". Stay safe.

[Anrea]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

T's there for you. Tell her even if it's just "I'm manic and possibly psychotic". Stay safe.

I agree with this. Remember Cash, it is a sign of capability to recognize your own needs. It shows ability to handle yourself.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Anrea

I agree with this. Remember Cash, it is a sign of capability to recognize your own needs. It shows ability to handle yourself.

I agree Ts and Pdocs and courts are big on insight.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

How is it going tonight? I saw your post when I was too medicated to answer last night and was away all day for my pdoc appointment so I've been thinking about you but couldn't check in.