What it feels like

I just had a wonderful, short (but way too long) surge of severe depression (luckily it comes and goes, for now), memory basically non-functional and very slow, thinking consequently slow and hopefully due to the slow but steady improvements in dealing with depression, I kept my optimism and determination (though I was fearful of doing anything rash and dangerous, but just like any severe pain does).

It got me thinking: we all talk about our problems doing things and thinking certain things when depressed, but what does severe depression actually just feel like for you?

Not anything about behaviour, memory or thoughts, but just the feeling.

How would you describe it?

I would describe it as my whole body feeling acidic. Maybe every cell in my body mildly inflamed (though maybe hypersensitivity makes it feel like the effects of very serious inflammation, so not the pain but like a severe migraine without physical pain).

Since it's not clearly physical, I could maybe better describe it as inflammation of the soul.

It feels like an essential part of me is dead and I just drag it around. It feels like my body is burned out by fire and what remains is a lot of heat and smoke, clouding my mind.

It feels like a million little knifes making or having made cuts within my body. Like countless deep carvings on my soul that give a burning sensation.

Stuff like that.

Mine is cold and dark with clouds. Colors are washed out of the landscape and everything is sepia toned. I feel like an enormous weight is crushing the life out of me; it's even too difficult sometimes to raise my arms or get off the sofa. My whole body hurts. And nothing interests me or ever will again because depression is FOREVER. (Thankfully that's not the case, but it sure seems like it when I'm in the middle of a depressive episode.)

glad your coming out of it .. my last one was almost my "last" one ... thank god for meds and "kpop" ... what ever your doing to help yourself keep doing it ....

Mine is total numbness no ability to feel anyrhing....just want to sleep away the days

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Mine is seeing everything in grey, lungs filled with water and I can't breathe. My eyelids weigh a thousand pounds and I can hardly keep them open, let alone focus on anything. Everything is heavy. It traps me, it keeps me on my back. It feels like drowning but it looks like swimming.

Since I've been properly medicated I haven't had what I call deep dark depressions.

They feel like nothingness. I can't move, eat, bathe, nothing is interesting. Sometimes I'll sleep a lot sometimes not at all. Taking a bath feels like going to another country. Absolutely no energy. Just darkness. No appetite. Just want to be in my bed laying down. Can't even cry. Numbness. It's awful, feels like it's gonna last forever.

Now my depressions are still can't bathe, but can eat and cry. Still want to just be in bed but can actually listen to the tv. Still want to be left alone but can at least express myself to my family and friends that I'm just not feeling well. They're not as dark...I know I will cycle out of it...

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

It doesn't really feel exactly like drowning for me, but I absolutely get it. I'd describe probably/maybe something similar as suffocation, lack of oxygen.

I also can't cry. I wish I could (a little). I used to (be able to) cry a lot during depression.

If I don't sleep, I get quite extreme hypersensitivity (more than the rather mild one I always have with severe depression).

But if others want to share/describe their experience, please do. It might help just to describe it, I think, concentrating on that rather than toxic thoughts making things only worse.

Upon reflection mine have felt different.

The very first severe one I had I was just numb. And I was twitchy. Loud noises freaked me out (I remember standing on a bridge, contemplating jumping, and the cars were so loud! A truck went by behind me and I almost had a heart attack). I would start easily. Things seemed slow (I remember staring at a sprinkler and it looked like it was in slow motion and the water reflecting in the sun was too bright. I mean, it was painful to look at). Light was way too bright. Colors seemed too vivid. I was so anxious and freaked out all the time it made me sick.

That one ended when I was finally able to have a nice bawl.

The last severe one I had I was just pissed during it. There was a lot of pacing. I was agitated, irritated, wanted to scream because I couldn't stand how I felt. I lost like fifteen pounds in two months because I never ate. Anxiety through the roof. No numb feelings that time.

The best way too describe the overall feelings is that things seem out of focus, not right. Like if you wear glasses and your eye doctor is a moron and changes your prescription and everything becomes somewhat out of focus. It feels like things shift over. I don't feel right. It feels like my bottom drops out.

Severe depression doesn't feel at all to me; I'm just numb, dull, dead in soul. Minor depression is similar to feeling sad.

I am bombarded with constant thoughts of wanting to kill myself. I start to play out various suicide scenarios in my head, trying to decide which one is "best".

I don't want to do anything; I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to sleep... sleep it all away.

Nothing matters anymore. Life is meaningless. Everything I do is boring and nothing can cheer me up.

I feel utterly worthless, and that no one would care if I just ended it all. No one would go to my funeral. I will be forgotten, so "it doesn't matter if I kill myself".

To me it feels as though I am already dead, close to death, or wishing I was dead. Simply to not exist. I feel this often. I don't cry much. I can't eat or move hardly and I feel like I'm spread really thin. Motivation is non-existent, as is any inkling of hope or sense of self-worth. My whole life basically revolves around trying to distract myself from or treat my feelings/sensations/emotions. On a physical level, I have almost constant heart palpitations, headaches, nausea. I do feel like I'm drowning.

I don't know about anyone else but I have a pretty hard time deciphering whether I'm manic or depressed, as I have symptoms of both at the same time every day. I don't sleep enough, can barely move, cognitive functions are sluggish, yet my heart races and my mind is flooded with strange thoughts that cause me distress.

I recognise a combination of both. You've explained it well. Not the numbness exactly (rather acidic, inflamed), but everything else. Basically, hypersensitivity. It is worse than (pretty much any, I know many severe types) physical pain.

It's like a migraine without pain or a mild overdose (or at least the one I know, where you stay conscious).

"Living death", as I sometimes call it, I absolutely recognise.

When I am in a mixed (or dysphorically manic) state the difference between the two can be hard to pinpoint, especially if its mostly depressive or my mood continuously changes within a minute, sometimes every few seconds.