When asked, "How can I help you?". What's your reply?

I've been with my husband for about five years, we've been married less than two. Something happened back in September that threw me for a loop and I am struggling to get back to some sort of baseline. Between Bipolar and BPD, I am allover the place. He tells me this is the worst he has ever seen me.

My husband isn't one to discuss feelings, or moods. He lacks a bit in the empathy department as well. I know that he cares for me and loves me, and I love him as well. That's not the issue. It's just when I'm in a state of panic, or my depression is all consuming, or some other emotion is heightened and distorted I would like for him to be able to reach out to me somehow. He always asks, "What can I do?". "How can I help you?" But I have no idea how to answer that. We then just sit there together. Me, a world of mess, and him, completely silent. It's awkward and sad.

How do your partners/significant others/friends/family members reach out to you? What do you find to be most comforting on your hard days? What is it that they "do", that somehow grounds you for a second? Anything is helpful. Thanks.

Hello, it's a pleasure to meet you!

It's kind of interesting that you described this situation. Because my family members and my significant other has also asked me that. I didn't know how to answer them. Because usually, time was the best way to heal my mental and emotional wounds. I just needed a day or two alone to get myself back together. But during the moment, with them desperate to help, looking straight at me; I didn't know what to say.

To be honest, my significant other is also kind of lacking when it comes to empathy. He isn't that emotional, but it's obvious he cares about me and I care about him, too. Whenever I'm extremely down or I start panicking, he's obviously confused. He asks me questions and I can't respond, because I'm just in such a state of panic that I can't speak or think clearly.

Regardless, when I need comfort, he'll hold me in his arms and we'll just sit there quietly. It really does help me, having him there. He also does breathing practices with me, slowly breathing in and out. He also tries to make me laugh, and we just watch things together like movies or videos to try and get me to settle down. It doesn't work all the time, but that's what he does to try and calm me down.

I'm sorry if I wasn't much of help. Either way, I hope things get better for you soon!

Have a wonderful day.

Thank you for your Reply BlossomingLen,

I like your mention of your partner holding you in his arms. Sometimes a hug from those we love most can go a long way. I don't believe my husband and I have hugged once when I am not feeling well. I have to figure out why this is.

My husband passed away, but when he was alive he used to ask this question. I think the most helpful thing for him to do for me was to let me rest and not criticize me for "not doing enough". Also, give me hugs. He was very good about that.

I wish aomeone will ask me that. They think I'm really Superman. And I am. Only not all the time. Good luck.

Just sitting with you and being there for you could be what you need and of course a hug, sometimes we have to ask for one.If I am crying hubby will hug me. Get me tissues. I don't cry very often at all.
When I was put on trazadone I went manic and had a panic attack/was frightened/frozen after watching a very scary movie. The only thing that got me settled was a dose of zyprexa. Got off trazadone....
hugs and presence are supportive alone.
bizi

So, it seems that everyone likes the feeling of a hug. I think the last time he tried to hug me I was having a panic attack, could barely catch my breath, and was seriously thinking I was going to die. I told him not to because I couldn't breathe. I wonder if he thinks I'll always turn down a hug in crisis, so hasn't tried.

Hey Pirillin, it can take a lot before I get asked that question as well. People seem to think I am magically resilient. Screw that!! I am not playing the "I'm ok" game right now. I am not ok. But...I'll ask you. "Pirillin, what can I do for you today?"

I say nothing is wrong and silently bawl/heave/try to catch my breathe while they sleep.(did this for hours last night) I don't know that he would be unempathetic but he has melted down when I talk about my feelings before, taking them too personally and getting defensive. Or telling me that I'm too sensitive.I can't risk that type of reaction when I am already at an extreme level of emotion. He also flat out hates crying. And I cry so much

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Maybe you are going to have to ask for a hug?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Bizi - You made my night. Thank you!

12345678

Sometimes it's impossible to know what I need, so I can't. If I know what I need, I ask for it. Sometimes I just need someone to sit quietly along side me. Sometimes I need someone to listen, sometimes I need advise or comfort. Vsometimes I just ask my husband to hold me, and he will, for hours if needed. The worst feeling is not knowing what will make you feel better, just knowing you need something or you will burst. I hope you figure out what you need and I hope the people you love can provide it. (((Hugs)))

My boyfriend has bipolar 1, too, so a lot of times he will know how he can help without me asking.

My stepdad will ask, sometimes. I just thank him and tell him I will be ok. Unfortunately, this worries him because he knows I am not ok. But there is not much he can do.

I do ask my boyfriend for a hug sometimes. He gives the best hugs! I will also ask him to tell me things are ok...when I have a mixed episode or when I have psychotic symptoms.

I ask "What aisle are the diced tomatoes in?"

What do you do when you have psychotic symptoms? do you call your pdoc or do you have emergency meds that you can take on your own?
bizi
think I will start a thread asking this question.

I have APs that I can take. Also, psychosis is now something I can usually see coming. There are indicators. The first time, I had no idea. Now I know.

I make a point of telling my husband what I need from him. He can only work with what he knows.... although, as the years have gone on, he's been able to speak up and tell me I need to take my clonopin, or a sleeping pill, when I've ramped up to hypomania. It's experience plus specific information from me that has "trained" him in this way. Sometimes I just want him near me; other times I need something specific. I never expect him to read my mind... when I'm feeling that I want him to do that, I actually tell him that I wish he were a mindreader -- and sometimes he can then suggest something I can do to feel better.

When things are really bad, he goes with me to the pdoc and lends his support.

Yes Elsa, (I loved that season of AHS by the way. It may have been my favorite season.)

It's those times when I feel as if I am going to explode and I just can't figure out what I want or what I need. When I feel like I've lost complete control. Sometimes I pop an extra anti-psychotic as it calms me down. But, I don't like doing that during the day because they tend to make my head heavy. I guess that's better than the alternative though. I've started talking aloud about what I'm feeling - that's new for me. I don't like bringing him down though when I am feeling despondent and inconsolable. Not that he's ever given me a reason not to talk.

I know what it's like to try and stay tough, to hide how bad it is so as not to burden your loved one. I learned the hard way not to do this. The people who love me (and I bet this applies to you too) actually mean it when they say they want to help. Sometimes I need to be alone to reflects, think, stew or whatever. But other times, having someone near me helps so much. My mom will come over and just sit with me. Sometimes we chat, sometimes she just sits silently with me and it helps. I feel guilty for taking her time, since she's a very busy person, but I know my mom feels I am worth it. When I cannot figure out what I need, I often ramble on and on to my husband about one topic to the next, just expressing whatever comes into my mind. I will cry on and off and just talk. Sometimes that really helps. But sometimes, I have to be alone and wallow in it and people being around makes it worse, and I lash out and say something out of character so I know being alone is best. It is the worst when you know you need something but cannot figure out what it is. I hope you figure out something to help. (((Hugs)))

The only ones who ask are my beautiful, supportive parents (yeh, I lucked out with them). Often I simply ask my Mum to cook for me as I find it hard to do so for myself and she is worried I will stave. Other times I stay with them for company. We often don't chat about how I am it is just nice to not be alone. When I am really bad my Mum won't leave my side (to keep me safe) and she and I talk a lot. Recently I even wept in her presence which I rarely do as I am a private person, but it certainly was comforting. It ended with us deciding I needed to be in hospital as I had a plan to run away from their house and die. Her actions saved my life. I am so thankful.

It is so nice that you have a loving family close by. Unconditional love is a true blessing. I hope you are doing well these days,
I recently went back home for a little visit. My mother knew I wasn't doing well and splurged on an airplane ticket. I left there feeling well fed, cared for, and my head just a little bit lighter. I miss my family every day.

I'm so glad to hear you spent time with family and feel a little better. It's amazing what feeling loved can do to keep you holding on in tough times. (((Hugs)))

My family are the only reason I was able to choose to live over that last hell of a month. True, it is amazing what feeling loved can do.

yes families can be quite supportive.
I have a very loving twin sister.
We are very lucky!
bizi

i often don't answer, and just ignore it

on the rare time i do respond, it's usually.. well, if you're actually here to help, then you can do such and such, but if you're not and just here to pretend you care, sod off.

and they usually go.. which says a lot