[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Sorry for the length of this...I'm really irritated right now at something my 'stepfather' said this morning. My kids and I are visiting him and my mom at a vacation cabin in my mom's family. We brought our senior dog on this trip, after clearing it with them, because it would have been unsafe to leave him at home due to weather, even though my husband is still home.

Anyway, it's been a couple of months since our dog was groomed last. Since he's older, he doesn't naturally lose as much of the fur that he sheds as he used to - it stays in his coat more frequently until it's brushed out. With the summer heat, he's blowing coat constantly, and it's hard to keep up. Also, he has dry/sensitive skin, and too much brushing irritates it.

Anyhow, I don't notice that he smells often. Apparently, my stepfather did. The dog was outside until bedtime, then slept next to me in the living room overnight. He went out first thing again this morning. I overhead my stepfather talking to my mother saying that the dog needs to stay out (which he was at that point) because we don't wash or brush him and he stinks.

I'm not bothered that he doesn't want a stinky dog inside. I'm furious that he assumes because he doesn't look/smell amazing right this minute that we neglect him. We drove up, and there were branches from hedges lining the road where they had clearly just trimmed - I didn't ASSUME that they never clean up after their project - I figured they were working on it or that there was some other reason I don't know that the branches weren't collected & dealt with.

I'm furious at how judgmental he always is and that he assumes he has the whole story all the time. He's a slave to moderation and routine - anyone who isn't like him he looks down on. His way would always be the best, and there never seems to be any thought of compassion or empathy from him, at least in the sense of assuming the best in people before assigning the worst to them. Fat people are lazy and unmotivated. Poor people are lazy and unmotivated. Children who are sometimes loud or energetic when it's inconvenient to him must have weak or rude parents. (Keeping in mind, he has no siblings, no children - until he met my mother later in life it had pretty much just been him relying on himself and needing only to consider himself.)

So I'm stewing in my own fury on Day One of this trip. I just want to pack up and go home. I did get the dog groomed (he did need it, but we've been traveling a TON this summer for some unexpected reasons and hadn't gotten to it), so that probably isn't going to continue to be an issue. All the same, I don't think I can tolerate being around him for the next week.

I hate having to take up next to no space. I follow my kids around constantly while we're here getting them to put everything away, trying to make our impact on his space as minimal as possible. I've considered just keeping our bags in the van so that they're not in his line of sight ever. I slept on a damn twin-sized day bed last night whose 'mattress' is older than I am and lumpier than a ball pit because it was 'politely suggested' to me - pulling out the couch bed and putting the mattress topper on it that I brought with me in order to be able to sleep comfortably is seemingly either too much work or too much mess in the front patio room. I don't know. I'm considering sharing a twin bed with one of my kids tonight, even though I wouldn't get much sleep with the tossing & turning - but then I wouldn't be able to keep an eye on the dog.

All this, because instead of saying, "The dog really stinks. He should stay outside as much as possible; can we suggest she get it groomed?" he decided to got with, "They don't bathe or brush that dog." And I can't tell if I'm just inflating the 'offense' here. And I don't know how to forgive it - I'm nursing my hurt and my anger.

Total tailspin.

[bizi]

why not stay in a hotel?
that might solve your problem then come visit for a couple of hours. Maybe the hotel would have a pool for the kids????
sorry this sounds awful.
((((HUGS))))
I hear your frustration.
bizi

[hahayeahtotallylol]

Sometimes, but then I remember that they only act in such a way because they must be even more sad than I

Not giving them an excuse.. but it's how I ultimately forgive

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I keep trying to repeat something similar in my mind. He's old, and he's really set in his ways, his prejudices about others, his views of the world around him. I keep trying to remind myself that his thoughts and his behavior are a reflection of him, not of me. And I keep thinking about how exhausting it must be to go through life having to judge everyone around me all the time for not living up to the standards I've arbitrarily set because they're what I value personally and what I've been able to achieve personally. But instead of that making me feel better, it's been making me want to scream all that at him, slam the door, and head for home instead.

Honestly, it's exhausting to pack the kids and the dog up and trek over here, or trek down the state to where they live the rest of the time. I'm tired of spending so much time traveling to make sure my kids and my & my husband's relatives get to spend time together. I'm tired of getting to our 'destination' (their homes) and spending all my time and energy trying to make sure we're tidy houseguests, not too loud, not too demanding, getting out of the way frequently enough, etc. I just don't think it's worth it.

But then, sometimes I feel the same way about being in my immediate family at all - just wishing I could drift away to somewhere off grid and not have to answer to anyone, cater to anyone, guard myself to protect anyone else, or behave in any way other than what I feel exactly at that moment. Not just to disappear, which would leave a lot for others to deal with, but to erase myself from where I am, in the current moment as well as the past and the future. Like going back in a Choose Your Own Adventure book to a point where I could choose a different path and opt for something way more isolated early on.

uggg forgiveness.

i find it so hard, even if we are close

[lacerta]

I can't tolerate being with my mom and her husband (hate the word "stepfather" as I don't feel that man anything close to me) more than 2 days. After that it gets too intimidating. I can feel that he can't stand me and even less my kids as well. Last year we spent a week together and it ended with serious insults. Now I learned to limit the time together to keep my sanity. Maybe that works for you as well.

[BastetsMuse]

It sounds to me as if you resent your stepfather so much that he can't do anything right. I think the suggestion of the hotel is a good one, really, since you obviously are not comfortable staying in his house.

Of course, you could just get the dog groomed and that would take care of the problem for now (and with the heat, the dog would feel better, yes?).

I think he's (your stepfather's) a bit overbearing and you're right to be feeling uncomfortable.

Originally Posted by BastetsMuse

It sounds to me as if you resent your stepfather so much that he can't do anything right. I think the suggestion of the hotel is a good one, really, since you obviously are not comfortable staying in his house.

Of course, you could just get the dog groomed and that would take care of the problem for now (and with the heat, the dog would feel better, yes?).

I think he's (your stepfather's) a bit overbearing and you're right to be feeling uncomfortable.

Yeah, I agree with that.

But in general, yes... I'm a very forgiving person. If someone wants to apologize, I usually accept their apology... unless I know it's not genuine. (Sometimes people say "sorry" because they have an ulterior motive.)

I see another side to this; and, don't forget this was a conversation he had that wasn't with you. Perhaps had he, he would have chosen the words differently. And this is his space. I realize you love your dog dearly but realize too that respect goes both ways.

I agree with the idea that you find alternate arrangements for accomodation. In the least, this would nullify much of the stress and resentment.

[Daonnachd]

Would it be easier to share space with him if you were to find out that he hadn't gone to you precisely because he wanted to approach it the most delicate way possible, that being through your mother? I don't know him, obviously, but I could see some of the tension coming from poor communication, all feelings aside.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Lots of good points from lots of you here - thanks for the reality check. We've been here several days now, and it's sort of working out. The dog was groomed the morning after we arrived (hours after his comment to my mother), so his coat isn't as full of unshed fur now and it feels/looks cleaner. They still don't want him inside, which is fine with me - we brought (and had planned to use already, prior to coming) a long line with a ground anchor for him. Unfortunately, today he took to barking while we were gone and it irritates them, as well as another neighbor with whom we're friendly. Everyone has been very kind about it, but I know it's another issue I need to address if we're going to stay. He barks because he's outside and wants to be inside; I don't know how to stop the barking while also keeping him out of doors. Obviously this isn't a great scenario, and we won't bring the dog again; I think we won't visit here again until after he dies (the dog - just to be absolutely clear). On other trips, we have also solved the issue of caring for him with a housesitter, it just wasn't a good solution this time due to my husband still being home every night. I'm actually not upset at all at the idea that we shouldn't really travel until after he passes on - it will be a welcome break from the pressures to trek to family at every possible turn.

All that aside, I am hearing everyone's thoughts about respecting my stepfather's space, not judging him based on statements that were not intended for my ears, etc. I try really hard to be respectful - I change the vast majority of my normal behavior, speech patterns, topics of conversation, level of general tidiness of the kids, and more when we visit with him. I expend a great deal of energy trying to minimize our impact on him and his routines and preferences. Obviously the dog situation hasn't worked out that way, but we did have an invitation to bring him prior to showing up; I don't think any of us realized what an issue that was going to be. I certainly don't intend to have that be an issue again. Incidentally, we are about to get a new puppy which will be even larger than our current dog; perhaps we won't be traveling at all for a good long time - I'll have to think that through more.

More to the point BastetsMuse raised about resenting my stepfather to the point that he can't do anything right - I'm really thinking that one over. There are certainly a great number of things that frustrate me about him. But there are many things I appreciate, as well. He takes good care of my mother, in general - they're good to each other and maintain a very active, socially engaging life together. He is also meticulous about a lot of things, which makes it a pleasure to be in their (regular) home when we visit - I always know exactly where things will be and how to put them back. And he has made an effort over the past several years to both be somewhat more accommodating to my siblings and my family when we visit (not something he's used to at all) while recognizing his limits for having activity around him and people in his space. We take care now to plan visits when he's away sometimes (he maintains a home in another state as well - the cabin we're visiting right now is my mother's - so they each have an independent place and they share a home). That allows our family to get together and see my mother without always having to overwhelm him.

I have cooled down from the first morning. He has spent a great deal of time working on projects with my kids that they have loved, which has provided the added benefit of he and I staying out of each other's space a lot. They do like getting to do those projects with him, but other issues are challenges still with the kids. Their noise/activity level overwhelms him sometimes (me too!). And he has some notions that are a little harder to break simply due to how he was raised, I think; he always suggests doing the woodworking projects with my son, even though my daughter loves to do it, too. He will do it with her, but he doesn't think of it - it's a subtle message about gender roles that I hope she doesn't pick up on.

To the suggestion about a hotel, we've brought it up during trips to their home in the past - I think it offended them that we didn't want to stay with them. They have not wanted us to do that previously, so I'm not sure whether to just insist. We wouldn't be able to afford a hotel in the town they normally live in for more than a day or two, which would make the 1-2 visits they expect each year unreasonable (one at the holidays and one in the summer, in addition to this summer trip to the cabin). They live 10 hrs from us, so staying just 1 or 2 nights wouldn't be worth it for the trip. I'll have to mull that over, too.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I hear what you're saying too, Vertigo - I think it wasn't so much that he wanted to address the dog issue, but that he assumed we don't care for him based on seeing our dog once in maybe the last 4 years. I took great personal offense to that - I'm not sure why it wounded me so much. I have increased our dog's grooming schedule over the last year due to his age and the results of decreased mobility from maybe once or twice per year to every 2-3 months. I brush him weekly now because he's blowing coat all summer long. There are a lot of factors going into why he wasn't perfectly groomed on our arrival, including the dog's age, our learning curve with his aging & the summer heat, a really unusual month prior with a lot of out of town travel, etc.

I am very sensitive to negative judgment anyway, but doubly so when I don't feel it's warranted. And it's a sore spot for me coming from him anyway, because I don't feel in general that he likes me very much. It's hard to try to make an effort to visit someone (because it's important to my mom that we do) and work really hard to make it as comfortable/non-intrusive as possible for him, and then to feel like I'm basically just being tolerated.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Originally Posted by lacerta

I can't tolerate being with my mom and her husband (hate the word "stepfather" as I don't feel that man anything close to me) more than 2 days. After that it gets too intimidating. I can feel that he can't stand me and even less my kids as well. Last year we spent a week together and it ended with serious insults. Now I learned to limit the time together to keep my sanity. Maybe that works for you as well.

Yes, we have learned over the last 20 years to limit our visits as well, and to time some of them for when he'll be out of town, overlapping for just a day or two. Our whole family on my mom's side gets together for Thanksgiving every other year (8 of us, not counting him and my mom - 5 my generation, siblings/spouses, and 3 kids). He deliberately doesn't come because it's too much for him. We're all working on solutions that will allow us to not tread too much on each other, but it seems that mostly that means limiting his exposure to us. Doesn't make me feel awesome - makes me feel like a pariah, as if I needed another reason.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Yeah, I agree with that.

But in general, yes... I'm a very forgiving person. If someone wants to apologize, I usually accept their apology... unless I know it's not genuine. (Sometimes people say "sorry" because they have an ulterior motive.)

I am quick to forgive someone who apologizes, or even without apology if I can tell whatever happened was not in that person's nature or they regret it.

I have a much harder time forgiving someone who isn't sorry, who doesn't regret the hurt feelings they've caused, or who is unaware of the hurt they cause when I feel they reasonably should be (i.e., people who generally lack empathy or any sort of awareness about the feelings of others).

It has occurred to me more than once in my life that I have an overinflated sense of justice. I will get raging mad on behalf of someone I know/love, a friend, an acquaintance, or even a total stranger I read about if I feel like there has been an injustice or other hurt done to them. I don't know how to turn that off - it's a total flashpoint for me.

I'm late coming into the conversation. I see it a bit differently.

To answer your question, I forgive easily. In fact, I'm incapable of holding a grudge.

I think your stepdad has an extremely abrasive personality and you have to walk on eggshells there - where you say needing to minimize your family's impact there. He does nothing to provide comfortable accommodations and gets easily overwhelmed (man up!) by the kids, etc. Yet staying at a hotel isn't an option because that's a personal affront to him.

Being direct, that's great he treats your mom well. The rest of you? He treats you like garbage, always has to have it his way, and doesn't give a !&@" if his guests/family's needs are met. In fact, he does the opposite by judging you and assuming you keep a "nasty" dog.

He sounds like someone unhealthy to be around even though there are positives, as you said. I hope I didn't offend - not my intention. Just seems like he's inconsiderate, boorish and rude. Not someone healthy to be around on his turf especially with taking care of your family during the visit. Your basic needs don't even get factored in, I bet. Probably an oversight because you manage and forage ahead until you can leave.

Am I way off here? If I'm not way off - I think Radical Acceptance is in order for your sanity. He's family and takes care of your mom. Good. Those visits? Screw that. They need to be shorter or you need to set boundaries and say, "hey, we are staying at the hotel. Looking forward to coming over to visit and for dinner." He'll get mad but he's already mad at something already. His issue, not yours.

Don't confront as he's not going to change. You need to change by setting boundaries and enforcing them. I mean that kindly. Accept him "as is" and visit on your terms. Not his. If he can't accept that, vacation cancelled.