[Cdnstargazer]

If so, how?

If not, then how long did it take you and what did it take to accept it?

My husband worked in mental health and his mother has bipolar. After he witnessed me go through some ups and downs he brought up bipolar. I dismissed it. My mother in law said something at a family function which I found very strange and I wondered if it had something to do with bipolar....so I started reading about bipolar online and instead of reading about her, I was reading about me! I discussed it with my husband and then had another bad episode of depression and my husband encouraged me to talk about it with a doctor. I went in and discussed it and 40 minutes later I walked out with a bipolar DX and meds for it. I accepted the DX for about an hour then it all felt too fishy...how could he diagnose me with something like this after a 40 minutes discussion where we really didn't talk about much. I decided he was full of it. Then another breakdown occurred and I believed it again and started meds. Then I decided the meds were toxic nonsense so I stopped....then something happened and I believe again....then I didn't...then I did. You see the pattern. Right now I accept I have BP and also PTSD which another doctor thought was a factor. Tomorrow I might feel different. I don't know if I ever will accept it on a constant basis. Maybe I now do? I'm not sure and only time will tell.

If there was a brain scan or blood test this would be a little simpler....I think acceptance is hard in general with this condition. Some people seem to just accept it more easily though....I wonder what their secret is.....maybe this thread will reveal something useful for both of us. (((Hugs)))

[purplesmilingpanda]

I didn't. It took me 8 years and I'm still just learning how to accept it and work with it being a part of my life.

[piano97]

I didn't for well over a year, and on some days I still reject it. It's part of the illness.

[Anxiousvalkyrie]

I accepted it, even though I hated it and it terrified me. But it connected a lot of dots and explained a lot of things from my past.

The diagnosis connected a lot of dots for me too. I'd been diagnosed with many things over the years...they always connected the dots too, until they didn't. It's like when I first got sick...I was sure it was lupus, then MS, then early monopause, thyroid, brain tumor, hypochondriac, RA, Insanity, pregnant, permanent damage from previous attempts, damage from a bad car wreck I had as a teenager, syphallis even came up...the list goes on and on.....and they all connected the dots too. Fact is, it's all guess work still. I could have some never before seen rare genetic disorder for all we know. Or do I just over-think things? That's a strong possibility. Now I just focus on symptoms and methods to control them....it keeps it simple that way and I cannot function with complicated right now.

[Theseus]

I accepted it right from the start. It explains why I'm the way I am. It's less frightening.

[Anxiousvalkyrie]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

The diagnosis connected a lot of dots for me too. I'd been diagnosed with many things over the years...they always connected the dots too, until they didn't. It's like when I first got sick...I was sure it was lupus, then MS, then early monopause, thyroid, brain tumor, hypochondriac, RA, Insanity, pregnant, permanent damage from previous attempts, damage from a bad car wreck I had as a teenager, syphallis even came up...the list goes on and on.....and they all connected the dots too. Fact is, it's all guess work still. I could have some never before seen rare genetic disorder for all we know. Or do I just over-think things? That's a strong possibility. Now I just focus on symptoms and methods to control them....it keeps it simple that way and I cannot function with complicated right now.

I've had much the same path as you describe. I've thought a different times I had lupus, Crohn's disease, cancer...any number of things. I've had my fair share of physical problems but bipolar explained so much. Often my episodes coincided with what I know now were bad manic or mixed episodes. That makes life really hard.

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by Theseus

I accepted it right from the start. It explains why I'm the way I am. It's less frightening.

Exactly, I was relieved. I finally had an answer to so many questions about my behavior.

[Moose72]

I finally had something to explain my experiences over the years. I was relieved.

[OctobersBlackRose]

I'm still questioning my Dx, I've had it since 2012 when it came up in a neuro-psych assessment (along with autism), but lately I question it, maybe cause I don't want to accept it. But it explains my ups and downs, and the reason why I get delusions and hallucinations (okay that may be something else completely, but still BP is the best explanation for now). So it's a back and forth game for me between questions and acceptance. It's all so confusing...

[st0psign]

no I did not, took 11 years, my 2nd mixed episode first one with psychosis. that was an eye opener.

[venusss]

I accepted the diagnosis. It made sense. But not the treatment that include life on pills and giving up on education.

[bioChE]

Originally Posted by venusss

I accepted the diagnosis. It made sense. But not the treatment that include life on pills and giving up on education.

Why did you give up on education?

[venusss]

Originally Posted by bioChE

Why did you give up on education?

I didn't I gave up on the shrink and their advice.

I didn't follow the advice, I did my thing. Gotten my diploma and managed to actually get over most of the symptoms.

[Unrigged64072835]

I felt I had bipolar before I was diagnosed, but all the psychiatrists said that it was major depression. When I was IP a few years ago, I told the pdoc what happening and he said Bipolar 1. It made more sense to me. My regular pdoc confirmed it and it explained why she started me on Lamictal rather than yet another antidepressant.

[Row Jimmy]

I accepted it immediately because I knew I was f***** up before I walked through the door.

[scatterbrained04]

Originally Posted by Row Jimmy

I accepted it immediately because I knew I was f***** up before I walked through the door.

Same here! I walked in after one hell of a depression/mixed episode. I knew something wasn't right. The diagnosis made so many things make sense.

[wildflowerchild25]

I was first dx'ed at 18. I laughed in the doctor's face. I said there's no way I'm bipolar, I'm never happy! I didn't know about mixed states at the time. I spent most of my time cycling between severely depressed and mixed. I believed the Borderline personality Disorder dx, but not the bipolar one. I thought all my problems were stemming from my childhood, which they were, to an extent. I had a hellish year with lots of self-destructive behavior and seven hospitalizations that ended in a suicide attempt and my first round of ECT.

After the ECT I felt great. I finally felt normal. I was no longer depressed, I had a boyfriend (later my husband), and I was getting **** done. I applied to school, got accepted, etc. The doctor in my php program still tried to convince me i was bipolar, just hypomanic. I said no way. I thought all doctors were liars and bipolar was overdiagnosed, a label they just stuck you with no matter what was wrong. I thought they were the crazy ones. Looking back I might have been slightly hypomanic, but didn't recognize it as such.

I was stable for the most part for six years. I had periods of depression, periods of agitation, but never what i would consider to be mania (because I thought mania had to euphoric). And those periods never lasted very long. Every time I would think, "Maybe I should go talk to someone", the next morning I would wake up and be fine. so I went on.

Then **** hit the fan. I became severely depressed. Not only that, I finally had a real hypomanic euphoric episode. I remember singing and dancing around the house, and I remember washing dishes so fast I nearly broke them and my husband threatened to call my mom to tell her how i was behaving because I was acting so strange. But I thought, this is GREAT! I feel like superwoman! So I didn't seek help till my next depressed episode, which included major agitation as well.

So of course I was dx'ed bipolar. I joined these forums and started learning about BP and how it can manifest. But i wavered back and forth between believing the dx and thinking I was just overreacting to normal life events, that it was MY fault, and that there was some way to just "get over" it myself. Even after antidepressants threw me into a psychotic mixed episode I still didn't believe the dx. I thought it was the medication's fault and I would be just fine if I didn't have any meds in me.

So I went off all medication. I did well for about six months. But what really clinched the dx for me and made me truly believe it was when i went manic. I was so high. it devolved into a mixed state with psychosis. I thought people could read my mind and were trying to harm me. It was terrifying. I ended up hospitalized. And this time, I could not blame it on the meds. I had gone psychotic all on my own.

That was two and a half years ago. Since then I do not question my diagnosis. I know what I'm like. I know what will happen if I stop meds. Recently I've tried to justify stopping meds, since Invega has caused me to gain 50 pounds and caused pre-diabetes because of the weight gain. but I know what I'm like without meds. I'm too scared to go off of it.

So overall it took me about ten years to finally accept my diagnosis.

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by piano97

I didn't for well over a year, and on some days I still reject it. It's part of the illness.

I have been diagnosed Bipolar 1 four different times by four different mental healthcare professionals, and I still don't believe it sometimes. But like piano97 said, it's just part of the illness. In the meantime, I take my meds regularly and use my light box and eat (mostly) healthy food, and I make sure to get adequate amounts of sleep. I know I have to do those things just in case the diagnosis is accurate, because I don't want to find out what could happen if I didn't.

[~Christina]

Right away. It explained soooooo much of my life lol

I wasn't diagnosed until age 43 so I had decades of "proof"

No I didn't. It wasn't until I took a lot of tests in the hospital that came up bp I that made me accept it. Even then I struggled with it. But I've accepted it now.

Finally being on the right meds has made me finally accept it. I was put on Seroquel right out of the hospital. I felt zombiefied. I didn't know much about meds yet. I was too afraid to try a different ap, and didn't want to be on one to begin with. I tried a lot of different combos and had some not so good psych nurses and pdocs.

I finally got a really good psych nurse. I'm on the right meds. I'm finally stable without feeling zombiefied. I do miss hypos, but I don't miss deep dark depressions. I still get depressed but not as severely now. I can look back and see that yes I have bp. But that's just a part of me. Not all of me. I have finally accepted it.

[Cocosurviving]

Well I remember the date I was told my diagnosis Aug 1st 2012. I was in shock I could barely speak. I knew the basics of bp. But the first thing I thought is "why could I not see this" and "why me?" I worked in mental health as social worker. I started meds and therapy to deal with the "why me"....."what did I do to deserve this". I was in therapy from Aug 2012-May 2013 and I started to get a better outlook. I had to move out of state. Then I started therapy again to deal with "where do I go from here since my old life is OVER". I had the hardest time with that. I was so sympathetic that I couldn't do the things I use to do. My old friends I told a few and they pulled away for the most part. I loved going to football, basketball games and banquets. All that was over with. Last year I pulled it together and went back for my college homecoming. There are back to back events and they last until late. I was so nervous about this. I needed to be in bed but I wanted to be out celebrating our homecoming with my old friends. When I returned back home I slept for a few days for long periods of time making up for missed sleep. I was so scared of being manic. But because of this MI I cannot do what I use to do stay out celebrating like that.
Now I have accepted that I have bp1 (2012) and schizoaffective disorder (2015). I've learned more info about both and I do agree with the diagnosis. The area I moved from had excellent MH resources. In my current area I have been able to find great support groups and programs to help with services. Only catch is you have to see there pdoc for must of the programs (I just wanted help with meds).

[Sad Mermaid]

At first I accepted it, but then I fought it, stopped the meds and became acutely manic. Even a hospitalization with acute mania (which was dealt with via Zyprexa short term) did not convince me that I had a serious disease, but I reluctantly agreed to taking Lithium alone. In hindsight, this was simply due to identifying with Kay Jamison (I had parties in my life history that were similar to her description of parties, and I love to write about myself, like her); Jamison idolizes Lithium. I now suspect that Lithium does not do a thing for me.

On Lithium, I had acute psychosis, during which I took my bike outside to be picked up by thieves, mailed gold jewelry to various connections of mine, including to Germany, and ultimately ingested detergent in a self-punishment act. Was outside on the streets of my city dressed in nothing but a winter jacket, thinking that I was in hell having died without noticing it. Somebody alerted the authorities and I was taken to ER. I was put on Risperdal for what I thought would only be 6 months "to heal the brain from psychosis" and I hoped to go back to Lithium monotherapy. Risperdal was a horrible medication that made me more depressed than I had even been before, including completely off meds. I became suicidal twice. Second time around it was really bad and I remembered that Geodon helped in the past, and asked for it. It relieved the suicidality soon and since I resumed it in May I have been doing better and better, and am now titrating down Lithium in the hopes to go off it completely. I have no side effects to Geodon and on Lithium I get chemical burn (damage to teeth) and low thyroid function, so if I can get rid of it, I happily will. Only after I experienced the sudden relief from suicidality did I realize both how ill I am (I no longer fight the diagnosis) and how incredibly lucky I am to have a medicine that works without side effects.

My first diagnosis came in 2006 and I fully accepted it only in 2016 and only based on evidence that cannot be disputed.

I am both regretful I did not accept it earlier because I got into all kinds of trouble when I was off Geodon and happy that I tried all options before becoming fully convinced.

[franz kafka]

It took me a long time to accept my diagnosis. I still don't know if I do. Well... OCD I do. But bipolar is harder.