Friends Not Understanding BP

A friend upset me today. I don't think she understands how hard it is for me to make commitments. She was mad I couldn't commit to planning a trip to with her. I just like to be honest with people when I'm not sure I can do something, but in return, she made false accusations about me, verbally attacked me, and made me feel like a bad friend. I do know she is going through a lot right now, but that's no excuse. I didn't expect my best friend to do that. I'm shocked and feel hurt. I feel I've been there for her a lot and want to be there, so when others make me feel I'm not doing enough for them and get angry with me, it makes me angry.

I wish more people understood how debilitating Bipolar Disorder can be. I can't make promises when depressed. I don't like making promises I can't keep, so if anything, I try to be considerate by telling that person straight up. It takes a lot to drag me out of the house, let alone, a trip when I'm depressed. Then, she pointed out I'll plan all these trips other times (that didn't include her), but she doesn't realize I only plan big thing like that when manic, and they always fall apart anyway.

The thing is, I never did anything hurtful to her and always worked hard to be a good friend to her. I just ended a relationship recently due to something that person did to hurt me where I acted out in rage, but I think another reason for the break up is that I felt too overwhelmed being in the relationship. It's hard enough I just lost my significant other, and I'm afraid of losing my best friend, though now I question if I can trust her. I've gone through a lot of losses in the past year.

Maybe I should explain to her how my BP affects me. To be honest, I flew into a rage when she accused me of different things, so we're "cooling off" now. I'm questioning if the friendship can be saved, especially if she learns more about Bipolar Disorder. Or should I cut her off since she has made me feel hurt, made false assumptions, and made me feel taken for granted?

Does anyone here have any feedback? How have your past or present friendships/relationships been affected by others not understanding BP? I hate how this illness causes so much damage emotionally, financially, in relationships, occupationally, etc. I'm so tired of this illness.

I really don't have any true friends except for 1. I don't know if she completely gets it or not, but I think she does to at least some degree since her husband has battled with depression and anxiety for many years.

I have a friend who told me that when she first heard that I'm bipolar she wanted to keep me away from her kids! Shes since changed her mind but still!

I have three friends and one boyfriend and all four have bipolar so they all get it! I'm grateful for that. I met them all in recovery. They are all new friends. I don't have any old friends.

I have learned the hard way to never make "plans" ... if you make no promises you can not be " blamed " when you can not keep them .... I made quite a few people mad over plans changed at the last min ... at not being dependable .... so I isolate myself ....

it is very hard for others to understand that ... they just do not understand ... and most never will ....

sorry for your pain ... I wish I could make it go away ... but alas I can not ...

be strong friend ....

Thank you so much. For me, even when I tried to tell the person I can't commit to anything yet, I still get backlash. So it's like damned if I do, damned if I don't. I can't be all things to all people, and I wish some would realize how hard it can be for me to keep up when I'm unstable emotionally. It seems to be always about them.

I understand that could be because my best friend has issues involving abandonment and trauma, but she can be needy to the point of it having an unhealthy affect on me, even triggering my BP symptoms. I just wish she would understand better and also realize it's not okay to attack me if she's going through a hard time. I don't do that to her.

Plus, it takes a lot for anyone to take time off of work to go on a trip, and it's ten times as hard being depressed and finding it to be a struggle to go to the work or even do something as little as going to a store. Hopefully when I talk to her more about this, she'll begin to understand, but now I can't 100% trust her that this pattern won't continue.

I have been blessed in the fact that while my people don't understand (and I don't expect them to) they are accepting.

So when they're begging to get together and I say I can't even fathom getting dressed, they arrange a movie marathon and everyone is required to wear PJs.

In return I guess, I commit to big / important stuff, and show up even if I'm convinced I'll hate it... If I try I'm usually wrong and end up having a good enough time.(As long as I don't over extend myself)

My people are a small group tho, family that double as friends, a bff and a bf, so maybe that plays a part, idk.

I know how hard it is to commit to stuff, and I try and avoid it too, but my belief is that I at least have to try, because if I am always unreliable, then what am I bringing to the table in the way of sustainability of the relationship... Yes I have BP, but does that mean my needs takes priority over everyone else's?
In my book no, unfortunately not in a healthy give and take relationship, sometimes I have to take one for the team. So yeah, sucks for me in one sense, but tends to pay off in others.

I'm in no way suggesting what anyone should do or believe, just sharing what works for me.

I'm sorry to hear your friend accused you of heinous things, hope you both cool off soon and talk it out, maybe even find a solution that suites you both.

^^ Thanks, Trippin2.0.

Yes, I agree there needs to be give and take. I usually do push myself through depression and try to do things to achieve that balance. I consider myself a people pleaser most of the time, but certain things are just asking too much. For instance, traveling requires having extra money, getting time off from work, etc. So if it were me and a friend straight up told me they couldn't go on a trip, I would understand. It's not like I told the person yes, then backed out. (but now I'm just venting).

I think moving forward, my friend is just going to have to realize I do try my best to "be there," but there needs to be respect that I can't do everything she wants me to do. I think she takes it as rejection since she's had a lot of trust issues in the past, but that's something for her to work on. I do feel for her since she has a lot going on. She did apologize for some of the things she's said. Hopefully we'll cool off and come to an understanding and that this won't continue to affect our friendship. I think it might also help to talk to her about BP. Thanks for your feedback!

Whenever I am invited to a get together I always say 'maybe' because I too am afraid of disappointment if for some reason I don't show up. The only time I will really guarantee to show up is once a month for game night, and that's only assuming my BFF will be there as well, because she's really the only one who gets me and my moods.

I cannot commit and feel I'm doing people a favor by being upfront about it. My brother ripped into me for cancelling after I warned him I might have to and I told him to kick rocks (using stronger language). I HATE that I cannot commit and that I'm often seen as flaky despite my best efforts not to be. When I recently discussed some of my symptoms with my friend I got a feeling she got a little scared and I asked her if it bothered her that I talk openly....she said that if she didn't know me my whole life my symptoms might scare her but since she's seen some of the things happen that caused my symptoms she could never hold them against me and she knows me too well not to trust me. That was relieving.

I think true friends are too important to give up on so I would talk with this friend and see if they can learn to be more understanding and supportive. Of course we are going to disappoint people occasionally but hopefully they care more about our stability than hurt feelings....hopefully we can help them grow and they can help us feel safe. (((Hugs))))

^^Thanks, Elsa. (((HUGS))). I just finished talking things over with my friend since she apologized to me, and I apologized for not being able to be there as much as I wish I could. I wish I could be different. I began to explain to her why my behavior can be very erratic, how the extreme swings affect my behavior, and where I'm at right now mentally.

I was glad she tried to understand the best that she could, and I forgive her for how she reacted and can understand she's going through her own issues, although I admit I'm still hurt from some of it that cannot be taken back. Aside from this fight, our friendship has been strong. Maybe something good will come out of this where she can understand me better.

(((((( xRavenx ))))))

I am late to your thread.
Tough topic. A constantly challenging one!
Wonderful healing work!


WC

I got sick my senior year of HS. I was the popular girl with lots of friends. You think any of those people reached out when I got sick?? Nope. I was labeled crazy and forgotten. I have ONE friend since kindergarten that is BP too. That's the one and only friend I talk to. So my point is, this type of action is pretty common in people without MI. I see it every day! I'm really sorry you're hurting. I would try and explain the illness to her and maybe print out a few articles for her to read. If she's a real friend she'll listen. And if not then you don't need people like that in your life anyway.

Thank you (((Wild Coyote))). I'm working on it.

Thank you That's a good idea. You're absolutely right, if she's a real friend, she will listen and be open to learning/understanding. I think she is, and I hope through her actions moving forward that she shows me that she understands. Only time will tell.

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences growing up. I got sick around my sophomore year of high school, and I, too, had friends who abandoned me when I had my first true episode. I guess this also makes me feel especially worried that people will continue to abandon me, especially based on having Bipolar. I'm trying to keep an open mind though about people and know it's a big world out there--it's just about eliminating people in my life who may be toxic or unhealthy for me to be around....and staying positive that there are people out there who are true blue.