[Theresa1991]

I am not sure if I am hypomanic right now, the last ten days I went to bed at between two and six in the morning. I am not doing my work right because I can't concentrate. Yesterday I reached the summit it seems. I went to a party, got hammered and started to show my muay thai skills. One guy really liked it and so we went to the street and fought (just for fun). I completely underestimated it and realized this morning that I really got hurt and might need to go see a doctor. I am so unhappy about the fact that this keeps happening to me. I just want to be responsible and quiet and to things that are good for me but I just seem to need that kick so much. How can I get better? I enjoy all the craziness that comes with hypomania but each time I feel like trash afterwards and get so angry at myself for not managing better.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Theresa1991

I just want to be responsible and quiet and do things that are good for me but I just seem to need that kick so much. How can I get better? I enjoy all the craziness that comes with hypomania but each time I feel like trash afterwards and get so angry at myself for not managing better.

Give it a managed situation such as only at the gym or wherever the risk of harm or of being out-of-place is controlled or at least reduced.

[BastetsMuse]

Originally Posted by Theresa1991

I am not sure if I am hypomanic right now,

It sounds as though you could be hypomanic to manic.... better call your pdoc and get in to discuss what's going on. Good luck.

[bizi]

I am sorry that you got hurt. please take care of yourself.
name calling doesn't help you.
Be kind to yourself, you are precious.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[JustJace2u]

I too am sorry to hear about what happened. I agree that you need to get in to see your pdoc ASAP and try to figure out what's going on before things potentially get worse. Sending lots of your way.

[Theresa1991]

Thanks for the kind answers! I really see I am in serious trouble. Anyway I don't think I am manic because even though I go to bed late I sleep five to seven hours. Sometimes more. I blame myself so much because of the drinking and the drugs that take me to do this stuff. I somehow think that I might not have any deeper problems such as mental illness because still I am not diagnosed. I feel it is just all my fault because I do not control myself better. I keep putting myself in danger and the thought that maybe I don't even have any illness to blame this on but that it might just be my personal failure is suffocating. Decided to stop drinking alcohol completely until I am better. Should have done that long ago.

I'm a jerk sometimes too. We all are. Everyone makes mistakes and some of us need to make the same kinds of mistakes over and over until we "get it". And with this illness, even when we get it, we still might do it again due to lack of insight. Your night of battle sounds exciting and fun to me but I'm sorry you got hurt. You didn't intend to hurt yourself or others and we're just trying to blow off steam and have some fun. I do stupid stuff while manic and often end up with bruises which I don't remember earning. We just have to try our best and in your case, cut yourself some slack. (((Hugs)))

[boogiesmash]

Sorry you got hurt. Hope u level down soon. Btw nice to have a fellow Muay Thai student .

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Theresa1991

Decided to stop drinking alcohol completely until I am better. Should have done that long ago.

Keep in mind that everyone who drinks has a reason for doing so and you might soon find yourself in need of a substitute of some kind to replace the effect of even just a couple of drinks.

[Rabbity9]

Five to seven hours of sleep after drinking isn't quite the same as five to seven hours without. When I've been hypo in the past I've been able to sleep about that much after getting hammered, so I would convince myself that the drinking was actually helping me because I'd actually sleep some! When I didn't drink it was more like 2-4 hours.

Drugs and alcohol can very much complicate things when it comes to diagnosis of mood disorders. The erratic, impulsive, and unsafe behavior associated with mania can be explained by substance use. However, mania tends to make you want to use and abuse substances, so you can't say that it's alcohol and not mania making you do crazy stuff. Mania and intoxication often go hand in hand.

Hypo maybe fun....but it has it's down side...like embarrassment, financial devastation, strained relationshios,...etc.

In wisdom...I avoid hypo as much as dep. Maybe one day you will see? It's like alcohol to me...a feel good addiction....being bipolar for life....it's hard to accept 'normal"...but normal saves life, money, and relationships. We wish you the best of luck!

[Theresa1991]

Thanks again for all the kind and wise answers. I know that I have kind of a substance problem even thoug I am not drinking or drugging myself constantly. Anyway I will cut with all this for a while, also to make diagnosis easier. I hope I can and I won't fall back into depression. I also use the drinking to help me sleep sometimes and sometimes I drug myself just to stop the spinning thoughts. But I know that is not the way. I will try to concentrate on sports and healthy eating. Seeing my friends and work. Maybe I needed to get to that point where I wake up all bruised and in shock about what I did to realize I need to change no matter what mental illness I might have.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Theresa1991

Maybe I needed to get to that point where I wake up all bruised and in shock about what I did to realize I need to change no matter what mental illness I might have.

There you go. Using our struggles to justify habitual, self-destructive actions that merely obscure our troubles during an evening of escape or whatever never gets us anywhere...and yet there were times I drank to hopefully help survive long enough for me to eventually find the help I truly needed.

[Theresa1991]

I was doing pretty much the same. I had reached a point when I just couldn't stand the mood swings anymore so I kind of allowed myself substance abuse to just get over the time till my next appointment to the doctor without realizing that I was making everything worse.