[wildflowerchild25]

The depression. It's coming on slow and it's not constant but it's there and it's getting worse. I can't handle this this year. I can't take time off work. It's a new job and also I don't get paid for disability because I'm in the union but the union's disability insurance doesn't include pre-existing conditions so i'm ****ed.

i can't do this. I can't do ECT again. I just can't. I can't do this ******** again.

I think I'm panicking. What's happening is that I'm getting depressed severely depressed Sunday, spending monday-wednesday moderately depressed, and then I'm ok for the rest of the week/beginning of the weekend. I don't understand it. But it's been happening every week in November/December and now it's getting worse every sunday.

Do you think drinking alcohol has something to do with it? I've been getting drunk every weekend for months now. I think I have a little bit of an alcohol problem. I'm not an alcoholic I don't think, but I'm having trouble not drinking on Friday nights. and i drink alone. This weekend it was two bottles of wine to myself and by myself on Friday night. Then I was mildly depressed Saturday and drank again with my sister in law. I'm not drinking to escape depression, I'm just so lonely and bored...maybe I am drinking to escape. I think I need to stop. I don't know if it can contribute to depression. I've never drank this often before in my life. I was a once-a-month kind of drinker. Even when I was in my early twenties. I don't know.

I saw my pdoc and she allowed me (very reluctantly i might add) to increase my Emsam to every day instead of every other day. I'm not sure how long Emsam takes to work. I've only been doing it every day for five days.

I hope it works. I'm sorry this post is a little incoherent, my brain is mush and i just submitted sub-par work for my online class because I just can't handle the projects anymore. I only have one week left of class and I just need to pass with an 80. I hope I do because I can't handle doing this class over again. I know my final project is going to be crappy but I hope it's at least PASSING crappy.

I hate depression. I try so hard and it just...always comes back to get me. But hopefully the increase AD will help.

[Victoria'smom]

I think drinking will keep you depressed. I'm hoping your AD helps but are you safe?

[Theresa1991]

Honest advice: Stop drinking if it makes you feel more depressed the next days. I have been using alcohol to level out both my hypomania and my depression. I ended up in a very ugly mixed state that came with a lot of suicidal thoughts and self-injury. Drinking is known to severly contribute to depression, my pdoc even calls it a depressant. I mainly quit drinking about two weeks ago and first my mood stabilized and now I am getting hypomanic which I prefer to depression. Anyway I got drunk on Friday and it had an immediate negative effect on my mood the day after. I understand feeling bored one hundred percent. But instead of drinking try to do something that inspires you, maybe meeting a good friend (who also doesn't drink) or go to the movies or anything like that. It did a huge deal for me.

[wildflowerchild25]

It's just recently that I've been feeling depressed the day after drinking but it's worth trying to stop to see if it helps. Thing is my only friends are my sisters in law who both drink heavily. They wouldn't shame me if I decided not to drink but it would be hard because if we hang out they'll be drinking. My brothers birthday is on Saturday but I'm not sure if we are going out or going to his house or if I'll even see him. But I'm definitely not going to drink Friday night. I just hope I stick to that.

I am safe, I'm not suicidal yet. And I want to self harm but it's just an urge, not serious. Worst thing I did was buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke one. But it is what it is.

[JustJace2u]

My t keeps telling me I need to stop drinking, but I'm stubborn and won't listen. I don't drink much to begin with, but I do tend to drink more when feeling depressed.

[Victoria'smom]

Be very careful with the self harm urges. They can get serious fast. What did your pdoc want to do if s/he didn't want to up your meds? When do you see your pdoc again?

[raspberrytorte]

I'd lay off the booze too. That always makes my depression/anxiety worse.

I hope you start feeling better. Hugs, wildflower.

[wildflowerchild25]

She's afraid I will go manic bc when I first started to emsam I was taking it every day and got very slightly hypomanic. That's why we brought it down to every other day. She wanted me to do some convoluted two days on one day off Thing but I told her there was no way I could remember that schedule. So she's going to be calling my t who I see weekly and telling her to watch for mania signs. I don't see pdoc again until January. I have to remember to call and set up an appointment. I'll see her the first week of January.

If the pattern continues I will be fine ina couple of days but it's so hard to drag myself through my day. I make a real effort to rearrange my face when depressed so I don't appear miserable to my students. But when I'm alone in my classroom I just sit there and stare. I have so much grading to do. It's piling up like crazy.

I just have to push through.

[Moose72]

Push through and no more drinking. I think you know it's not good for your mind or mood in the long run.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I think Emsam takes about 4 days to stabilize although I increased it last week and felt it almost immediately. Honestly I understand why your pnurse is concerned but it is normal to get agitated/hypo at first on it and then after your body is used to it you can tolerate more. I struggled to tolerate 6 mg at first but AD-wise needed 9 so went to 9 and used a lot of meds to calm me down for a month or so and then I was fine with just 9. Now I'm on 12 and am not agitated at all (but I think I was more depressed than I knew).

Alcohol definitely doesn't help. It is a depressant and well, I don't know what else to say b/c I have no experience with it. It doesn't play well with Emsam although you're still in the safe zone there.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

[wildflowerchild25]

Peeled myself out of bed today. Managed to make it to work. After my first class my co teacher and professional partner said I need to act "more alive" and that I was too lenient. Uuuugh I wish I could tell her it was because I'm depressed but she wouldn't get it. Plus I don't want anyone at this job to know. I don't trust any of them.

Then I got observed by the curriculum director! I think I pulled it together pretty well but it's hard to say. I'll be meeting with her another day to discuss it. I've heard she is really harsh on teachers when she observes. My first observation went well but I was feeling good that time, plus I had time to prepare. At least I had a good lesson planned for today. I'm just not sure if I did one of the components right.

Now I just want to go home and sleep. But the depression is definitely not as severe today. I wanted to cry after my coteacher told me those things but she's right, what can I say. I just hope I don't lose this job at the end of the year. I really love it. It's just so hard when I'm down.

[betweenarock]

Good job!

[hopeless2015]

Hugs....sounds like you handled the situation, good job!!

[MissCathryn]

I have been on/off depressed for about a week now. I am pretty much depressed most of the time, but I have a few hours here and there that I feel OK.

I do not drink alcohol at all, and it is happening to me. I haven't rapid cycled like this before. It sucks. My poor son. I try to hide it, but it is so hard.

[wildflowerchild25]

Still very down today. I made it to work and am going to try to put on a happy face and "look alive". Good thing is my department meeting was canceled so I can go Christmas shopping after school bc my mom has my son. That might cheer me up a little bit.

[Nene873]

Sorry you're struggling right now. I, too, am having troubles with depression at this time. It's hard to push through it when all you really want to do is break down and cry. Good for you for getting up and getting to work! You should be proud of yourself for that. I hope that you're feeling better soon.

[Jensitive22]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

The depression. It's coming on slow and it's not constant but it's there and it's getting worse. I can't handle this this year. I can't take time off work. It's a new job and also I don't get paid for disability because I'm in the union but the union's disability insurance doesn't include pre-existing conditions so i'm ****ed.

i can't do this. I can't do ECT again. I just can't. I can't do this ******** again.

I think I'm panicking. What's happening is that I'm getting depressed severely depressed Sunday, spending monday-wednesday moderately depressed, and then I'm ok for the rest of the week/beginning of the weekend. I don't understand it. But it's been happening every week in November/December and now it's getting worse every sunday.

Do you think drinking alcohol has something to do with it? I've been getting drunk every weekend for months now. I think I have a little bit of an alcohol problem. I'm not an alcoholic I don't think, but I'm having trouble not drinking on Friday nights. and i drink alone. This weekend it was two bottles of wine to myself and by myself on Friday night. Then I was mildly depressed Saturday and drank again with my sister in law. I'm not drinking to escape depression, I'm just so lonely and bored...maybe I am drinking to escape. I think I need to stop. I don't know if it can contribute to depression. I've never drank this often before in my life. I was a once-a-month kind of drinker. Even when I was in my early twenties. I don't know.

I saw my pdoc and she allowed me (very reluctantly i might add) to increase my Emsam to every day instead of every other day. I'm not sure how long Emsam takes to work. I've only been doing it every day for five days.

I hope it works. I'm sorry this post is a little incoherent, my brain is mush and i just submitted sub-par work for my online class because I just can't handle the projects anymore. I only have one week left of class and I just need to pass with an 80. I hope I do because I can't handle doing this class over again. I know my final project is going to be crappy but I hope it's at least PASSING crappy.

I hate depression. I try so hard and it just...always comes back to get me. But hopefully the increase AD will help.

Wildflower Child I so feel your pain. I am a teacher, or I was, and I can so relate with the Weekly pattern of your depression and anxiety. I endured it for nine years and had one suicide attempt and two breakdowns. I tried, I tried, I tried. I was on medication, saw a psychiatrist and several different therapists, but I just couldn't bear the overwhelming anxiety and depression any longer. I felt inferior and incompetent around my peers. As a HS special Ed teacher I had to co-teach with regular ed teachers. It was tremendously stressful trying to establish an equitable teaching relationship in their classroom. Just writing about it gives me a stomach ache lol. Writing IEPs and conducting IEP meetings required me to fake fake fake professional confidence because I never never never really ever felt it. The only time I felt the spark of surety that I was in the right profession was when I was working with my students. Occasional sparks overwhelmed by the daily black clouds of anxiety and depression was just not worth the toll it was taking on my mental and physical health.
Two years later, I am still dealing with the loss of my professional identity and a strong sense of personal failure, but I am NO LONGER tied up in knots. You might want to consider medical retirement if you have paid into your state's retirement system. I wish I had before I quit as I am not qualified for social security disability because I hadn't paid into social security for over 12 years. I did not advocate well for myself which has been a strong part of that failure I feel. But.. it is what it is, and I am having to learn to live with that, to accept it, so I can move on. I am 54 years old and starting over, but I am getting good support through the county mental health system. Because I have no insurance and a low enough income, the services are free. I am also involved in NAMI which is another source of good support. Vocational Rehabiliation is the next step I will take.
Quitting teaching was the right decision for me. It was traumatic and scary as hell and I had to make some pretty huge lifestyle/economic changes, but I have survived it. I got out alive and with my health still fairly intact. I am wishing you the best of luck through your journey. Hugs Hugs Hugs. You are not alone in this.

[wildflowerchild25]

Thank you so much jensitive. That's exactly what I'm feeling. That I'm just not good enough to do this job. That I don't have the right personality. Everyone I've ever talked to who has seen me teach says that I'm good but I have poor classroom management. I'm far too lenient. But I just don't have it in me to be hardcore nitpicky about every little behavior. I think it's fine to allow them two minutes at the end of class to talk. My co teacher doesn't think so. and I'm sure my eval didn't go well.

I just don't know how I'd live without teaching, at least financially. I'm not qualified to do anything else. I'm certainly in no shape to go back to school. And now that I'm a single mom I've got to find a way to make it work. I barely make enough as it is and I live with my mom and pay no rent. I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to afford living on my own again, which I really want to do. Without teaching I could be a teaching assistant but that would be making half as much. And retail I'd only be making a quarter as much.

And honestly when I'm stable it's fine. I don't get upset. But when I'm depressed i just can't deal with it. And it seems like I'm always ****ing depressed. Even though I just had eight months stable....the depression is back. Again. Why does it always come back.

Well I felt better after this morning though so maybe the upped emsam is working or will work soon. I hope so.

[CarriB]

Oh no! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's the worst. I agree though... stop the drinking. I know it sucks because I love a good drink but it just isn't going to work for you right now. It's a depressant and it's not helping the darkness. Please don't drink and don't drink alone especially! Liquid courage can make us do stupid things.

[Moose72]

This, too, shall pass! Don't lose your job!

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Thank you so much jensitive. That's exactly what I'm feeling. That I'm just not good enough to do this job. That I don't have the right personality. Everyone I've ever talked to who has seen me teach says that I'm good but I have poor classroom management. I'm far too lenient. But I just don't have it in me to be hardcore nitpicky about every little behavior. I think it's fine to allow them two minutes at the end of class to talk. My co teacher doesn't think so. and I'm sure my eval didn't go well.

Sorry you're struggling so much. I know it's hard to stay positive when you're feeling so down.

When I'm depressed, I have a lot of days where I tell myself that I'm not good enough for anything. I start questioning whether or not I'm suited for my job. I also start questioning whether or not I'm good enough to even have friends. It's a horrible, vicious cycle.

Over time, I've grown to realize that we're too often hypercritical of ourselves when we're depressed. We focus too much on our flaws and weaknesses, and don't give ourselves the chance to flourish. All we see are the negatives and none of the positives -- but others can see both, which is actually a good thing.

It's hard, but I've learned to trust others when they say I'm "good" at something, even if I'm hesitant to believe it. I have to remind myself that depression has skewed my perception of myself.

But for what it's worth, for the most part, I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" personality for teaching. What truly matters is passion, not so much personality -- personality is secondary. If you have the passion and drive to do what you want to do, then you will flourish. It's virtually impossible to have a sh#tty (AKA "wrong") personality if you're passionate about your job. Truly passionate people care about how they carry themselves and don't have sh#tty personalities... because sh#tty personalities get them nowhere. And since you're clearly passionate about what you do, I can't imagine you having a "wrong"/sh#tty personality!

And don't worry too much about poor classroom management. You're new to the job and therefore new to the school (I presume). Every school district has their own standards, and I don't think they expect their teachers to get everything right the first time around. (If they do, then they're huge assholes.) You're learning. So I'm sure you can, with experience, start to figure out a happy medium between "very lenient" and "super nitpicky" that will satisfy the higher ups. I would assume it's not black and white, and that you may be able to get away with some leniency.