Bipolar and loss of husband

Hi all I come and read your posts everyday I hope you are doing okay today, two weeks ago yesterday I lost my husband to metastatic bladder cancer, I have been his primary caregiver for 3 years, it wasn't all bad in those 3 years, but in the last two it was in and out of the hospital a lot, I loved him a lot. The day of the funeral I called my pdoc and she told me that this type of loss is different than the mood swings of bipolar 1 that I have, I was wondering if any of you have had a loss like this and how did you cope? I am still taking my meds and trying to move on. The evenings is the hardest time for me, the other thing is after the funeral, I have not heard from his family at all, his sister is a narcissist and his older brother is nice enough but I feel like I am the third wheel of the family. I married my husband 7 years ago after he had a terrible marriage and his family was so happy for us when we got married, he no contact with his family because the ex wife didn't want contact with his family at all, now I understand why she didn't, my sister in law never texts me back or will call me to make plans when my husband was alive she only called him, she came to to our house one day and I remember her saying "it's all about me" my pdoc said don't worry about them, you are who you are and they are who they are and they will not change, I agree with that but it hurts still anybody have any insights? I am the one that took care of him everyday and I am The Who saw him go downhill for 3 years, I don't know I just don't trust his family and I am sure I will never hear from them again, I just don't understand, thanks Lela

((((((Eddiesmom)))))) I am so sorry for your loss...such a huge loss. I'm sorry I have nothing helpful to say. While I'm fortunate that my husband is alive and well, I can relate to a death not bringing family close like we all imagine it would. My dad died last fall, and I thought my siblings would be there to grieve with, but they had their own agenda and I was left to grieve and cope on my own. And it was very lonely, as I'm sure you're feeling now. However, the loss of a spouse is much more painful than the loss of a senior parent, so I can't even imagine how difficult this is for you.

I'm certain there are others who have kind words and have been in your situation and out the other side. Many hugs.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband suddenly two years ago to a drug overdose. I was devastated. But it was definitely different from my bipolar swings. I didn't fall into a deep depression. I was sad and cried daily, but it was grief, not depression. What I did was kept talking about my loss. I got into an IOP program and talked there, then when that was over I got a therapist who I am still with and talked to her. Lucky for me my husband's family was very supportive of me; my sister in law is actually my best friend now. My MIL lives in Tennessee so I don't talk to her very often. My FIL has schizoaffective disorder and is delusional almost 100% of the time (and was when my husband was alive as well) so I don't talk to him very often either. But my sister in law is the best and I love her.

If you don't have his family's support, just forget about them. You don't need negativity in your life right now. I dropped most of my husband's friends after I found out they were all drug addicts. I don't need those people in my life.

I'm doing well almost two years later. I had to hang on for our son. He deserved at least one functioning parent and I was determined to give him one, since I could no longer rely on my husband for help. The experience has made me stronger. I still wish things could have been different but I know in my heart that there was nothing I could have done to save him.

Just keep talking about it. Definitely find a therapist if you don't have one.

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. Words fail me.

I'm so sorry about your husband.
Sometimes hospitals have bereavement support groups, maybe that would be helpful?

I'm sorry for your loss. I would agree it might be best to let his family go if they're not supportive of you.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine.

So sorry for your loss. I lost my second husband to suicide many years ago. It does get better with time, like a wound healing up and leaving a scar. It was mainly a lot of small steps and living moment by moment.

His family never did like me and only spoke to me for his funeral arrangements. I haven't heard from them and care not to.

I agree with looking for a grief support groups. They can help.

Thanks all for the kind words, I am welling with tears now with feelings of support! I know that I have to let them go, I actually think they did it to his ex wife too, so I know in my heart of hearts it's not just me! I worry about that with being bipolar and not thinking clearly sometimes, I do have a therapist that I just started while my husband was in the hospital and she is great, and hospice offers free groups with loss of a spouse to illness, it's just making it step by step like someone else said, so thanks all for the support I feel better !!! God bless and I will come back more often, Lela

(((((( Eddiesmom ))))))

May you feel surrounded by Love.

I have been helping my mother ever since she lost her husband, my stepdad.
I have been very close to her as she has grieved for the past 6 years. The first two years seemed to be the most difficult for her. Some days are still difficult. She says it gets easier with time.

She'd truly struggled for the first two years and would not seek grief counseling. It was a very tough time for her and, often, for those around her.
She is starting to enjoy life again.

My stepdad's family were never very close. They were much like you describe. One of his sisters does call twice a year, as she is the most open of the whole crew. Since they were never very close before his passing, it makes sense they wouldn't become a lot closer after his passing.

A situation similar to yours, I think.

I hope you can focus on your own grieving and healing. It will take time.

Hope to see you around.

Be kind to yourself.


WC

I think the support group is a great idea. I'll keep you in my thoughts

My heart goes out to you, Eddiesmom I am so sorry and have a hard time expressing myself, but keep posting whenever it helps. We're here for you. That's a traumatic loss.

Last year, I lost my best friend (who I've been inseperable with since childhood) to Colorectal Cancer. She was diagnosed in April 2015 and died in January 2016. It was extremely difficult. I was one of the only people she even revealed that she had cancer to. At times, her father would have me come over and take care of her when he had to leave for the day. She was going through chemo, radiation, and all of that....so I've seen her through all the stages of the illness.

Therapy has helped over a period of time, although the loss still affects me everyday and things haven't been the same since. However, each day, I just try to do my best. I admit I had a manic episode that was even worse as a result of the grief issues I was struggling with. I attached to someone who wasn't right for me out of loneliness and was kind of reckless for a little while, spending tons of money, you name it. The depression that followed mania was extremely bad since I was dealing with the loss on top of it. Now, my goal is to work through feelings of loneliness without numbing myself and to avoid looking for quick fixes. Just being mindful of that goal and thinking of ways to take care of myself helps.

Grief makes it especially hard when also struggling with Bipolar, but I try looking for small signs of encouragement each day. I look for things that give me temporary moments of cheering up, whether it's something funny I find on youtube that makes me laugh, light exercises, movies, taking a bubble bath. These are only temporary ways to alleviate some of the feelings of course, but I continue trying. Be gentle with yourself. Losses really do change you, especially when it's like losing a part of yourself, but please don't give up. You have support here. This place has helped me. Feel free to Private Message me if you need. (((hugs)))

Hi Eddiesmom, I just wanted to give you some virtual ((((HUGS)))) and let you know that your grief is shared by more than you know. I lost my husband of 36 years to pancreatic cancer nine months ago, and life has never been the same, nor will it ever be. From what I hear it does get easier with time, although I certainly haven't gotten there yet and don't expect to anytime soon.

I think the thing for us both to remember is that our grief is different from our bipolar symptoms, and they don't necessarily overlap, although they can. It is possible to experience deep grief without being depressed; I know, for I've done it. You may, however, want to guard against a phenomenon known as "funeral mania", which can set in around the time of a loss and manifest itself as a typical manic episode. Funny how bipolar can go either way (or no way) when tragedy strikes. I've been very fortunate in that underneath my sadness, my mood has been relatively stable.

In the meantime, get counseling if you're not already doing so. I have a wonderful grief counselor from hospice, which is a whole lot cheaper than therapy and does just as much good. I get to have her until the 13th month after his death; after that I probably will go back to therapy. There are only so many friends to talk to about this and I don't want to burden them, especially the ones who aren't widows and thus have no idea of what I'm going through.

Please feel free to post here anytime, and PM me if you want to. I understand.

I just wanted to add my condolences on the loss of your husband. I'm so glad you have a therapist and support here. I was kind of shaking my head at your pdoc. She/He needs to keep a close eye on you.