pdoc says he feels "useless"

This is what happened at my recent pdoc appt. Sorry its long.

So I saw my pdoc yesterday. And he was uncharacteristically honest.
He said as soon as he saw me he thought to himself- oh great, there she is and she is still depressed. That i was moving like i had lead weights attached to my legs, like even getting the bathroom key was an effort. And that he felt like nothing he was doing was helping me, that he was feeling useless.

He also said he thinks my mood episodes are most likely medication-induced, from the prednisone and other physical meds I have to take. I can't stop them, and bc of my complicated health history I can't take most psych meds and anything I do take has to be double checked w/ my other doctor first. So i am a complicated case. Great, huh...

He said that he didn't think my medications were working anymore. That he thought i was basically walking around un-medicated, because the wellbutrin and/or lamicatal didnt appear to be helping me at all anymore.
To which I sort of agree with.

So he said how he feels completely useless, that there is not much else to except a few SSRI ADs i have not yet taken. I asked him if the medications were not working, was it possible that they were actually making me worse? And he replied "that is an interesting question..." But the only way to know is to stop them and see what happens. I was all like- fine, lets chuck them right now!! But he said its complicated and requires a lot of careful planning and monitoring. Also, that i need to add more coping mechanisms (like a regular exercise schedule, etc).

Because while they may no longer be helping me be 80% back to normal, it is possible that they are helping a little, and that by stopping them i would lose that 20-30% and end up even worse. That he doesnt want to hear i ended up in the hospital or worse. He wants to talk with my medical doctor, and if i decide to try this to plan out a very slow and monitored lowering of the meds i am on now. We are going to wait a few months until summer, when im not working, to try this so if anything goes wrong it wont affect my job.

So my appointment did not go at all as planned. I figured he would want to add some other new med or do nothing. If we stop the meds and I don't feel better or get worse and he cant find anything else i can take, i may be fuuucked. But i have been questioning if they are doing anything for a while now, and if they are not working it is like i am already not taking anything, and I have been (mostly) holding it together.

I dont have anything against meds, if they work. But i am not going to endure side effects and possible long term issues if they are not even working... So i have no new medical interventions available to me to help climb out of this depression, which sucks. I am counting on the spring to get me out of this depression. And i am actually sort of hopeful and curious to see whether i am the same or better off these meds. I know it is risky, but it would be the first time i actually stopped meds the right way, tapering and with a doctor's guidance and support.

Anyway, that is my pdoc appt saga so far...
Not sure if there is any actual question in here, I just wanted to be able to share this with somebody.

im not any kinda expert, but i read that in some cases of depression w/ physical problems on board, doctors use stimulants. is that an option for you?

I'm sorry you are in such a situation NayNay. I'm in a different but similar situation as I have a health problem that may be adding to my mental health issues so it complicates an already complicated issue. Plus, my son is very unwell right now and battling bad depression and anxiety and it's killing me to watch. Enough about me....just letting you know you are not alone with confusion over the effectiveness of meds for you. After my surgery, I might ask for a non stim stimulant as the above poster suggested. Hopefully I won't need it though. Good luck to you and may your best self guide you to the path best suited for you.

PS. Sorry for being so offensive the other day, I hope I didn't say anything to make your situation worse.

Hey- thanks for the idea. My pdoc actually came up with the idea of adding a stimulant (Ritalin) at our last appt, but when I ran it by my medical doctor the idea got shot down bc it interacts with one of the other medications. Which sucks.

I suppose if I am out of psych meds to try, there is still other stuff like light therapy and accupuncture and stuff I can try. Idk. The options left kind of suck though. So It seems like I can either be physically well or mentally well, but I am not allowed to be both!


My pdoc was concerned that if I got worse, the depression might cause me to neglect my physical health by stopping taking those meds as a sort of passive suicidal gesture. I have thought that before- I don't actually have to DO anything to off myself. All I really would have to do is stop taking my kidney meds and wait for the disease to do it for me...

(note- I'm not sui and have no intent to do this. And I sort of suspect that even if I was, I would still take those meds before stepping off a cliff or whatever, as it seems disrespectful to my donor"s family to do anything to harm my kidney. Yeah I know my being dead would harm it; sui thoughts are not rational!).

I feel like I was supposed to die at 13, and bc I didn't and got this transplant and have had mostly good physical health since then, that the price of that is my mental health. And that is really fuccked up. Nobody ever warned me that the medications I would have to take forever might ****kk up my brain and my moods!

I think bc I had this huge health thing as a kid, I sort of thought I was safe from any other huge tragedy or illness happening to me. Like I had endured this deadly illness and gotten over my Bad Thing in childhood, I was done. It was now somebody else"s turn to have something bad happen to them. That's probably a really immature way of looking at life, but I sort of feel like statistically the bad luck should have been done with me after that.

Anyway I got off topic here and am rambling- sorry.
It's just sort of scary that there might not be any medications out there to help me that I am able to take. So right now I am trying to focus on self care and waiting for the spring to lift my mood. And I have to be hopeful that maybe just maybe I will be better off of medication than I currently am while on. At least I have a few months to mull that one over. And maybe get a second opinion. It sucks tho bc doctors are always scared to treat me bc they don't want to screw with my physical health. Ugh.

I'm really sorry to hear of your liver/transplant issue. That is really sad to get saddled with physical issues and mental as a result of the meds that make you "better". (((Hugs)))

Hey- thanks. Somehow i missed ur other reply until now.
Anyway I know you have had to deal with some health stuff too. And stuff with your son. It really sucks and feels sort of like being dealt a double bad hand. By the way, I'm glad u are sounding more like yourself.

But then when I get frustrated and upset about it, I feel guilty. What kind of person is lucky enough to get a kidney transplant and then complains about the side effects of their medication??!! It makes it sound like I don't appreciate the gift some stranger gave me after they died. I do.
But this mood shiit feels like it is getting worse, Not better.

There was a long period of time I was stable and the meds were working and I felt almost normal. It sort of feels like maybe I made all of that up now...
Anyway, I'm not looking for anything here really. I know that nobody is in quite the same situation as me which just makes me feel more alone. But i do appreciate the hugs and a place to rant about it. I hope maybe writing this down for myself will help get some of my angst out.

Because truth be told I am sort of terrified that one of these days I am going to actually follow through on my sui thoughts. I always write a reminder to myself in every new journal "no matter how bad it gets, don't kill yourself", even when I am feeling fine. Bc I know it is not out of the realm of possibility...

I wish that I can go off meds cold turkey, too...but psych meds gets so ingrained into ones brain's chemical composition (especially Lamictal) that it can cause seizures and go haywire.
I'm more scared of the drug then I is of bipolar to tell you the truth so much that I'm scared of missing a dose. I know by 2.5 days of not taking anything...l'll be curled up in a crying ball...again. No thank you.

As fast as you went up on lamictal 10mg a week...the same can be said in going down. I'm presently working down to 300 a day from 400...and its been a few months a getting there.

I'm sorry that you are going through what you are going through...I only hope and wish that it gets better.