When do you call your pdoc?

I'm in a weird place right now but I don't know if it is part of my BP or because honestly my life really sucks. I have nothing to keep me occupied no matter how hard I want it. I can't sit still but I have no motivation. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I have had desires to SI (I haven't acted on it) and I'm not really sure why. I also find myself wanting to take more of my meds. I just want to be numb, I don't want to feel anything anymore. If I had the money I would stay drunk. Any insight on this? Does this happen to you? I could really use some input right now, thanks.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. You're not alone and I can relate to part of what you said. I have lots to occupy me I'm just not doing it. If your instincts are pushing you to call your pdoc please do. I went back and forth about this on Good Friday and finally had him paged. It was the right decision. Best wishes.

Thanks Jennifer, I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wanting something that is unobtainable.

I said this in another thread, but it's relevant here:

My rule of thumb is, if the thoughts are unprovoked and hard to pass, then consider calling your P

I'm in a similar place right now. On the one hand, I'm over everything; on the other, I just want to do things that will get me out of my rut and allow me to enjoy life. Alas, I am also experiencing little to no motivation - no matter how bad I want to do something, it's not going to get done. I didn't think it was BP related at first, mostly life circumstances and ADD, but the more I contemplate what is going on, the more it seems as if everything is teaming up against me. My ADD has been so out of control lately (seriously, my brain is like burnt scrambled eggs most of the time). I think it is pushing me toward some kind of BP episode. Basically, ADD may be driving the bus, but it appears as though our next stop is to pick up our old pal, depression or maybe a mixed state or two.

Nothing is official yet, with regards to being in an episode of any kind, but I have this terrible feeling that if I don't catch this one early, it will take me to a very bad place. Let's just say the last time I felt so mentally uncertain and confused was back in 2004 just before I entered a three year period of rapid cycling and insanely heavy drinking and some other substance abuse. Which brings me to last night...

Last night, in an effort to escape this mental anguish, I fell back into my old ways a bit. I took way more zolpidem than I need to sleep because I wanted to get high. Mission accomplished... but then I took a butt-load of Ritalin I had laying around (no, I don't take it for ADD; we tried it but it didn't work and I just hadn't gotten rid of it yet) to "add to the experience" of life not completely sucking for a few short hours. I suck. I know.

For ten years I have been a good boy, all for it to go down the crap hole just like that. Last night was the second or third slip up in a month or two. It scares me. I don't want to go back down that path, but I am weak. I am very prone to substance abuse when I feel I am losing control of my life and myself. Fine normally, but this isn't normal - not even "crazy normal" tbh.

So I kinda get where you're at, even if it is a bit different. I'd say definitely look into calling your pdoc and or T (if you have one). I was going to call today to see if mine had any cancellations for the end of this week or next week but I haven't done that yet. I still have another week and a half before my next pdoc appointment. Shoot. Maybe I'll see if my therapist can fit me in sometime before then.

I hope everything calms, if even just a bit, for you and that your pdoc/T can help. Not that we really know each other but, given we're in a similar state of being, feel free to PM me if you want or need a buddy to talk to about it all during this rough time.

I wish I could just go to bed and stay there. I did just leave a message for my pdoc though. It will probably be next week before they get back to me. So I guess I have to take everything minute by minute.

I call my psychiatrist if anything out of the ordinary occurs that last more than a day or too. Now, can he always see me? Most often not - so I call and get in immediately to see my family doctor.

My family doctor won't do anything. My pdocs nurses was suppose to call me back today but that never happened. The left a message yesterday that if I feel like I am going to injure myself or someone else to go to the hospital. I have feelings of SH but nothing major. I just want to quit feeling like I'm going insane. I spent most of the day in bed, even missed my sister who was supposed to stop by. I just don't want to fight this battle anymore. I am doing more and more self-medicating. I don't know what else to do. GRRRR

I call my Pdoc if I am in a really depressed state which I can identify easily. It gets tricky if I am suffering from mania. When I get hypomanic my wife watches it carefully because if I get into full blown mania I won't realize something is wrong. I enjoy being manic to some extent.

i enjoy the hypomania, full blown mania is fun at the time but a rude awakening when it is over.

It sounds like you're suffering from depression with a lot of agitation. I can understand why you would want to feel numb. I've been there. I don't think it matters whether it's because your life 'sucks,' as you say, or due to a BP episode, I think you need the help of your pdoc. If for no other reason, then that you could hurt yourself, either by SI or taking too much meds.

While you wait to see your pdoc, do you have any coping mechanisms? That you've learned in therapy, for example? These can be a good bridge as we wait to see our pdocs. Anything you can think of -that's not destructive- to help get you through? i.e. exercise to burn off some of the agitation? Even if it's just at home?

I go to a depression and anxiety group but today it was hard to sit through. They were discussing how thoughts effect you and to try to find positive thoughts. I just can't find anything positive to help lift me up. I don't want to go IP.

Yes, at least for me, to be pressured to find positive thoughts when you need so much more than that, can be maddening.

I hope you and your pdoc can find ways to avoid IP. A change in meds, for example. Be kind to yourself, remember that not every solution is going to work (i.e. positive thoughts), but that's okay and doesn't mean you haven't exhausted every healthy alternative. I hope this works out for the better!

They just called me back and want me to go IP. My husband is going to be so disappointed in me.

Why will he be disappointed? It's not a bad thing to need to be IP.

Well, we are glad you're getting help. (I would think he would be too, really...)
Sending much and healing thoughts your way, vj...

(((((( vjdragonfly ))))))

Please take great care.


WC

I don't know, I think it is because he has to handle things on his own.

I was released Friday. The med changes is helping which is giving me a break from SH thoughts. I've been busy ever since trying to pick up where I left off. Thanks for everyone's support.