[Jennyanydots]

Hi guys, i haven't been on this site for over a year and my bipolar support group isn't until Wed and I have a lot that I want to get off my chest...I'm also not seeing a therapist but maybe I should start up again. I started dating this guy a couple months ago who is currently in NA (mainly for Xanax but also abused pain killers). His past drug addiction cost him a lot - never finished college, lost jobs and now lives with his parents. He currently has a job but only works part time and was taking classes at the community college (it's summer break now). He's 33. He attends NA (I think he only goes once a week though and sees a drug counselor). He's also sees a therapist. He's a really nice guy and loves to spend time with me and we actually do things like go to the movies, day trips, go out to eat, walks...

I can tell he's been using Xanax again (I liked to take Xanax here and there in my 20s) so I can tell. When I confronted him, he said only sometimes and that it's not a daily thing. I understand that "sometimes" is not "every day" but still, isn't that relapse? Do I want to stay in a relationship with this guy? Will "sometimes" turn into "everyday" again?

I know red flags are going up "dump him!" "dump him now!" I haven't told a single friend or family member about this because I don't want them to judge him or even judge me in someway. As someone living with bipolar, I want to help him and give him a chance. But he can only help himself, right? And if he wants it... We haven't really talked yet about it (I told him through text that I was really hurt and I didn't want to talk about this through text). I will probably see him tomorrow to talk face to face. Has anybody else experienced this situation? Any advice?

[Sunflower123]

I don't have any experience in this or advice for you but I wanted to lend you my support for your talk with your boyfriend tomorrow. I believe Xanax is notoriously hard to get off of and it's admirable that your boyfriend is seeing a drug counselor and going to NA. If he is on Xanax again I guess you need to ask yourself if this is a deal breaker because it could go either way...him getting back off of it or it getting worse. Don't all addicts use the excuse that they are only doing a little bit of X and have it under control? You're in a tough position. Best wishes in your discussion with him....

[wildflowerchild25]

My husband developed a drug addiction to opiates after we had been married for three years. Of course I stuck by him because I loved him dearly and we were already married, so it wasn't a new relationship. He got clean but struggled with relapses. He had three relapses in the span of a year.

The last one killed him.

Maybe I'm cold hearted now, but if this is a newer relationship, I would get out ASAP. You said he has also abused painkillers? It's a short walk from abusing one drug to abusing another. If you're not head over heels in love with him, I don't think it's worth the heartache to watch him relapse and potentially die. I know if I were to ever date I would never date someone in recovery. Maybe that's hypocritical of me as a BP person, but I could never put myself in that position again. I don't think I would survive the heartache.

I'm not disparaging addicts in any way. I just know I couldn't be with someone like that after watching my husband, who was my best friend and my true love, kill himself with drugs. It's just too painful.

[Victoria'smom]

I'd run. He can't have two relationships one with drugs and one with you. You'll always be second to drugs. If you wouldn't be his "back up girl" in a relationship then you need to get out. This coming from a person that has an eating disorder.

Boy, that is a really tough place to be in. I will give you my 2 cents for what it's worth but what matters most is what you think and want.

Similar to WildflowerChild, my first husband developed a drug problem after he was prescribed opiates. We had recently had a child together when he became injured and the pain and addiction soon took over his life. Not very long after, his addiction had taken over my life, my son's life and my parents life. We all loved him so much and it took me far too long to get away because of how much I loved him. If I didn't have a son who I needed to put first, I would likely have stayed in that relationship and died. I'm not being dramatic. My ex husband became violent and worse as his addiction progressed. I finally left and my ex spent the next 15 years in and out of jail and rehabs. I felt guilt in the first few years after leaving because I had made an oath "for better or for worse" but my son deserved more than my ex could offer and I know now I made the correct decision. My ex would have killed us all had we stayed.

With all that said, I don't believe my cautionary tale is what always happens. Some addicts do clean up Their acts and become very healthy in recovery. What does your heart tell you? If it says run, I think you should listen. If it says stay, get a therapist immediately and go to some codependency meetings for support. (((Hugs)))

[Jennyanydots]

Thanks for all the advise. My level of liking him dropped several points after having that brief text exchange with him last night and then sleeping on it. Why can't I find a guy who has his **** together? The last thing I want to do is get mixed up with a drug addict. And it sounds like he still is.

[Jennyanydots]

I do know what you're saying that addicts do clean up. I had a roommate whose bf was in the same situation and he has been clean for years and is doing great! But I know that isn't the case for everybody.

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

Boy, that is a really tough place to be in. I will give you my 2 cents for what it's worth but what matters most is what you think and want.

Similar to WildflowerChild, my first husband developed a drug problem after he was prescribed opiates. We had recently had a child together when he became injured and the pain and addiction soon took over his life. Not very long after, his addiction had taken over my life, my son's life and my parents life. We all loved him so much and it took me far too long to get away because of how much I loved him. If I didn't have a son who I needed to put first, I would likely have stayed in that relationship and died. I'm not being dramatic. My ex husband became violent and worse as his addiction progressed. I finally left and my ex spent the next 15 years in and out of jail and rehabs. I felt guilt in the first few years after leaving because I had made an oath "for better or for worse" but my son deserved more than my ex could offer and I know now I made the correct decision. My ex would have killed us all had we stayed.

With all that said, I don't believe my cautionary tale is what always happens. Some addicts do clean up Their acts and become very healthy in recovery. What does your heart tell you? If it says run, I think you should listen. If it says stay, get a therapist immediately and go to some codependency meetings for support. (((Hugs)))

Once an addict, always an addict from all the training I've had on the subject. I've had lots of real world and classroom education on this. If you don't want to be with an addict, your decision is already made. I think it's best to leave now, before he takes you down with him. (((Hugs)))

[bukowski06]

Hello
I'm sorry that this is going on. I can offer some of my experience as well. My husband who has used substances has explained to me that an addict will use the high from the substance to make themselves feel better because they know that they are hurting someone, so they give up. It's not about you really, it seems to be that they somehow use a tough situation as an excuse to use that substance. It makes me really sad but I can kind of understand why that would make sense to someone with a substance abuse problem.

Originally Posted by bukowski06

Hello
I'm sorry that this is going on. I can offer some of my experience as well. My husband who has used substances has explained to me that an addict will use the high from the substance to make themselves feel better because they know that they are hurting someone, so they give up. It's not about you really, it seems to be that they somehow use a tough situation as an excuse to use that substance. It makes me really sad but I can kind of understand why that would make sense to someone with a substance abuse problem.

I have no doubt that some addicts experience guilt and that put them in a cycle of use but hurting others is not a prime reason most addicts use. The reasons an addict use are numerous but it tends to be a selfish need at the end for most. I'm not calling addicts selfish. Some would but I know from watching it from various angles that it's far more complicated. My ex told me he didn't care about anyone but himself and I believe in his case at least, this was true. Many addicts, most in fact have legitimate mental health issues and don't receive the treatment they actually need which is why relapse is so common. I hope your husband is now well. (((Hugs)))

[wildflowerchild25]

Another thing I learned is drug addicts lie about their addiction. I had no idea my husband was abusing his prescription, but I should have. He would tell me he lost pills, he would tell me they got damaged and that's why he ran out so fast. One time he told me that someone at work had spilled coffee on six of his pills so he had to buy more on the street. That's so obviously a lie, but at the time he had NEVER lied to me before, so I trusted him.

A few days before he died, I found his "kit" in the middle of the floor. It had two small vials, a razor blade, and a credit card in it. I confronted him about it, asked why the **** he still had something like that if he was clean. He admitted to using cocaine with his cousin recently but said it was her idea and he only did it once. I, again, chose to be naive and believe him. I made him throw out the kit in the kitchen trash and then take the trash down to the dumpster. I thought it was done with because he said it was coke not opiates and said he didn't even like cocaine anyway. Well guess what they found in his system the night he died. Cocaine and opiates. So much for "not liking cocaine".

A little investigation on my friend's part after his death revealed that he had been using for three weeks (as soon as we moved to our new apartment). This was coming from his dealer. She said he bought from her twice, then tried to kick it again for a week or so, then came back. So the whole time we were in our new place he was using and never told me and even denied it when confronted.

My point of all this is that if your BF is saying he's using xanax "sometimes" and not every day, it's likely a lie. He probably is using every day, maybe multiple times a day. And if he's not, he definitely will be soon. Addicts can't use their substance or choice "sometimes". I'm addicted to cigarettes and I've tried the cut down method before but the truth is if I have them I'll smoke them. I can't control how much I smoke. If I want to quit I have to get rid of them completely. I believe it's the same for any substance. Any recovering addict I've known has said as much. Maybe you start out using once or twice but it always spirals back into addiction. So if your BF is "sometimes" using, then he's not clean and will not be clean until he kicks it completely.

It's not worth the trouble in my opinion, the potential devastation if something were to happen. I know addicts deserve a chance, but not if he's currently using.

[lilypup]

Relationships are hard enough without substance abuse. If you have no children involved, I think you need to move on.

I do feel sympathy for your friend, however. He is destined for a lifetime of hell if he keeps going.

I've had several addicts in my life that I deeply loved. I still do have one in my life who I love deeply (not myself or my husband) it's a real, legitimate illness and cutting a sick person off is not something I recommend at all. Starting a relationship with someone I knew was an addict would not be something I'd suggest either. It's such a sad and delicate issue. Nobody is going to throw away their life the way an addict does unless they are truly sick and battling demons out of most people's comprehension. Some people do not understand this....do not see addiction as the real illness it is. My heart breaks for anyone who loves someone whose addicted and breaks even more for the person who thinks so little of themselves that they put their life and future at risk each time they use or drink. It's so very sad. I see from this thread I'm not the only person whose battled this sad phenomenon......it's far too common a problem in our society and effects so much. (((Hugs to all who need them)))

[Nammu]

If you really like him leave and tell him that you could revisit the idea of a relationship when he's been clean for a few months. Like mm pointed out he can't have two relationships at one time, it's you OR the drugs not both.

[Jennyanydots]

I spoke with my friend this morning who is in NA (clean for a year now!) and she said the same thing. Exactly the same thing. He can't be in both relationships and we could always revisit the idea of a relationship after some time of him being clean (NA recommends not starting a relationship until you have been clean 1 year). I'm not sure if that is a realistic idea cause I'm not too optimistic that he would be able to stay clean. And from the sounds of the responses above, they NEVER stay clean.

Originally Posted by Nammu

If you really like him leave and tell him that you could revisit the idea of a relationship when he's been clean for a few months. Like mm pointed out he can't have two relationships at one time, it's you OR the drugs not both.

[~Christina]

3 months isnt long to be have invested. I personally would end it .. Maybe down the road he will be clean... but getting involved with an active addict is just not a good thing

jmho

[Victoria'smom]

I'm not saying he wont stay long just there are slip ups especially in stressful situations even in happy stress.

[Jennyanydots]

Im not sure what you mean...

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm not saying he wont stay long just there are slip ups especially in stressful situations even in happy stress.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

Once an addict, always an addict from all the training I've had on the subject. I've had lots of real world and classroom education on this. If you don't want to be with an addict, your decision is already made. I think it's best to leave now, before he takes you down with him. (((Hugs)))

I agree. My dad is an alcoholic and he's almost 70. He's been to AA and gotten the coins and etc and always goes back to alcohol- even after twice having it nearly kill him. (Withdrawal)

[Wild Coyote]

I went through this with my first fiancé. He was clean for 3 years during our engagement. He'd then slipped up and had started to do cocaine and other drugs (he was a psych nurse). All of the lying, the mean dispositions, etc. It was a disaster! He only got worse.

Luckily, I knew enough to listen to my intuition. He was, prior to this, the nicest guy anywhere. I first postponed the wedding and as he kept spiraling downhill, and the drugs were changing his personality, I then broke off the engagement. Our lives were very intertwined by that time. It was a nightmare. I had to have the police remove him from the house and the court restrained him. He had gone over the edge and was threatening my life, repeatedly. He'd turned into a very scary character, someone I did not recognize.

Please be careful. Addiction/drug abuse can change people into someone you do not recognize.


WC

[Victoria'smom]

He'll have times of sobriety but anything stressful (happy or sad) happends can trigger him to use again. It's right now his only coping mechanism so it's his fall back. Once he relapse it starts from where it left off. It doesn't gradually grow it's a full blown addiction. I'm not saying he will always relapse but he needs to build good coping skills. That may mean NA meetings every night a therapist and pdoc. I'm a firm believer that addiction only happens in mental illness.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

He'll have times of sobriety but anything stressful (happy or sad) happends can trigger him to use again. It's right now his only coping mechanism so it's his fall back. Once he relapse it starts from where it left off. It doesn't gradually grow it's a full blown addiction. I'm not saying he will always relapse but he needs to build good coping skills. That may mean NA meetings every night a therapist and pdoc. I'm a firm believer that addiction only happens in mental illness.

So you're saying my dad could have another diagnosis besides alcoholism?

[Victoria'smom]

I see drug addiction is just a symptom of a larger mental health issue.

[bukowski06]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I see drug addiction is just a symptom of a larger mental health issue.

This is interesting take, because in my readings from first person accounts about the development of schizophrenia, some people feel that having started substance abuse from a young age as well having abused a variety have led to the psychiatric diagnosis. It kind of sounds like the chicken-egg argument. I have also read that substance abuse is used as coping/self medication for an already existing undiagnosed underlying mental illness.
For the original poster, NA may be a beginning for getting some help. There are also programs designed for early diagnosis and treatment of a mental illness. I'm not sure where you are located but if you look up prodome, prodormal states, early intervention prevention support there are several facilities in the United States.

[jacky8807]

there are many many many ppl walking this earth that are clean and sober for a long time. I know many of them.
it's not true everyone relapses .
the problem here is he is an active user.
so yes. run