I had an extremely painful therapy session

Hi guys,

I posted this in the psychotherapy forum too, but I wanted to put it here too so I can share with you guys what's going on with me. I'm having a very hard time right now, and of course with bipolar I'm going to feel extremely bad for way too long:

That was brutal. I can't even find a smilie for how awful I feel right now.

He kept talking about since we've been working together for four years, I need to consider that therapy doesn't last forever, and that eventually I'll need to move on.

In four years, I've cried in front of him precisely twice. Both times were very brief. Today I sobbed for at least 15 minutes while he tried to explain what his sort of plan is.

He works for an HMO, so he's not in private practice and gets paid whether I'm there or not. I have Kaiser, if anybody knows what that is. He's a psychologist for the addiction department. I was assigned to him when I went into treatment for alcoholism. He alluded to the fact that I've been sober for over two years now, so perhaps addiction isn't what I need to work on at this point.

I really felt like he was trying to break up with me, and I was devastated and angry. I have never been that upset in front of him before.

He told me he had anxiety going into this session because he wasn't sure the best way to approach it. I told him he was being too harsh and that I came in to talk about why I'm terrified of abandonment, and he went straight to how he plans to abandon me. I told him he was two steps ahead of what I can handle right now, and that was too painful for me to think about.

I told him several times that I am very attached to him. I tried to make him understand that just the suggestion of abandonment was unbearable to me, especially after I've just revealed something so sensitive. He hit me right where it hurt.

He booked another appointment in two weeks. He said he doesn't have a plan to end therapy, but it's something I need to think about.

I am so crushed. I'm too sick to eat dinner, I can't talk to my family, I can't do anything. It is very hard to tolerate the intense feelings I'm having right now.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this happened and lend my support. I've heard the saying that a good therapist works their way out of a job but I've never heard anything like this. I can see why you're upset. If my therapist (who I'm attached to) said this to me I'd breakdown to.

At your next visit why not ask specifically what he means? I hope you start feeling better soon. Best wishes.

I am sorry you are feeling so down. It's certainly understandable, all things considered.

It's possible he does not feel qualified for the next portion of your recovery. He may feel you've "graduated from " whatever he has to offer?

It's often difficult to think of losing/changing therapists.
We tend to work closely with them and feel a bond.

Sometimes therapy loses direction and there isn't a clear plan anymore.

If I disagreed with him, I think I'd make an outline of what I'd like to cover in therapy. I'd bring my draft of the plan in and see what he thinks. I'd hope to get him to add to the plan, so we'd both know which goals we are working on, etc.

Ask him more questions about why he thinks your time together has run out of therapeutic goals, or why he feels it may be time to "wind down" in therapy with him?

Just a thought or two.


WC

Thank you guys for your responses. I continued to be very upset this morning and cried all the way to work. I had intended to leave him alone until our next session, but I can't handle how much this hurts. So I left him a voicemail trying to explain what I'm feeling. I just thought it was not good to leave it like this for two weeks. I'm so upset that I can't eat, and that could trigger my anorexia. A couple years ago I had an abandonment crisis and ended up so thin I had to go into treatment. He was with me through that, so he should know how extreme my reactions can be to things like this. I don't know if calling was the right thing to do, and I don't know what will happen when he calls back. I'm in so much pain right now.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain.

I think it's a good thing that you felt you could call him and leave him a voicemail.

It's also a good thing that you have insight into the problems this may cause for you. It's best you and your T address these together.

Don't be afraid to let him know your feelings and all this brings up for you.
After all, you're just being an honest client. Therapists want honesty.

Your feelings, your reactions are valid. Please keep reaching out for support here. We will do our best to support you.


WC

I hope you can talk this over with your t before the 2 weeks. He may not be his choice to "graduate" you.

I talked it over with my husband, and he believes this T isn't qualified to handle me. T specializes in addiction, and I have that plus bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, PTSD, and anorexia. My husband says my T probably still doesn't know how to handle me after all these years because I change so much due to the bipolar disorder. He thinks this is too confusing for someone unqualified to work with it. Maybe he's right. It just breaks my heart to think of leaving. I'm so attached.

I'm sorry a underqualified T can be worse than no T.

He called. He assured me he has no plans to end therapy at this point, but he wants me to understand that it will eventually happen. I told him I am trying, and I just had a major breakthrough, and I'm more sensitive and raw than I expected.

I told him I want to start identifying when I'm trying to self sabotage and learn how to catch it and stop it the same way I learned to do that with drinking and anorexia. I emphasized that this is all in the spirit of recovery. It's always hard to tell if he believes me.

I've had such strong urges to self-sabotage in the last 24 hours. I've seriously considered drinking, but I know I'd only be drinking to punish him, and this is exactly the kind of manipulation I'm trying to stop.

I do feel a bit better having talked with him again. Yesterday I was confused and afraid to say much, but today I could say my piece. That did help.

Thank you all so much for your support through these very hard days.

Good job!


WC

I just woke up in the morning, and for some reason I'm feeling kind of angry at him. I feel a disconnect, like I've lost some trust in him.

Sorry you're struggling so much with attachment.

Do you have any idea why you feel you have lost trust in him? And what do you think you're angry about? Or are you not sure?

My perception in hindsight is that even on the phone he was cold and blunt and didn't acknowledge the progress I've just made. I thought he would be happy. He seemed irritated with me.

I'm looking at my list of cognitive distortions because I think I'm mind reading, thinking in black and white terms, and filtering out the positive.

Regardless, I still feel sick and my chest hurts so bad from the anxiety. This has been a brutal experience.

I admire your willingness to examine the cognitive distortions.
We can all benefit from doing so.


WC

Yeah, the "I'll show you, I'll screw me" approach doesn't work. At least you have a clear goal and something to work on.

Yes! That's exactly it. That's exactly what I need to stop doing.

This is all super embarrassing, you guys, but I feel like I'm taking some big steps in the right direction this week. It sucks, but it's giving me a lot of hope that someday I'm going to function a lot better.

(((((( Blaire ))))))

To Your Healing!

WC